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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

438 replies

cherrybunx0 · 25/02/2021 12:46

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/02/2021 19:57

I have two, 31 months between them.

Its fabulous.

Despite the second being a harder child generally (poorer feeder/sleeper/eater, silent reflux, prem, growth issues, ill a lot), the second is easier in that you know what you are doing & don't worry about some of the ridiculous pfb things.

Now with a 4 yr old and 18m old I do not find 2 twice as much work, the opposite really, 4 year old entertains 18m old loads and it's made lockdown much easier. They are great company to each other and me!

FlapAttack23 · 25/02/2021 20:06

Brilliant for me having two as they are each other’s play mates and I love their bond and relationship. But that’s luck based. That for me is enough to balance out the negatives of the bickering and absolute relentless nature of everything else about it but yes it’s hard!

I did a 3.5 age gap which helped with childcare costs and reduced the level of competition a lot.. works perfectly for us and I an rubbish at just having one of them .. I love how they play and bounce off each other for good chunks of the day

sunnydaleslayer · 25/02/2021 20:07

Yes and yes

For all reasons PPs have mentioned

Lelophants · 25/02/2021 20:12

If you have a big age gap like 5 years that may work better for your situation, especially with fiances. I have a few friends with larger gap and they are close to their sibling.

sweetnessnfight · 25/02/2021 20:18

My first was difficult and the second easy, I'm really happy I had my second.

lioncitygirl · 25/02/2021 20:21

its harder. Mine are 2.4 years apart. I wouldn't change my son for ANYTHING, because i love him to death, but if i had know the toll it would take on my marriage (might separate) and my mental health - i would prob stick to 1. And i feel awful for even saying that.

AlwaysLatte · 25/02/2021 20:31

Our two are 2 years 5 months apart due to miscarriages in between, but we wanted them super close like their older two brothers at 14 months apart (from my husband's first marriage). But in retrospect I prefer the younger ones' age gap. The older two were quite competitive in their tweens and teens (great friends now) but the younger two seem less so. But it's mostly about personality, which you can't predict or plan for! I didn't appreciate until our last just how different children from the same parents and environments can be!

ElphabaTheGreen · 25/02/2021 20:35

Can’t believe all these people saying two aren’t double the work. I found having a second child three or four times harder than just one! (2yrs 4mo between mine) Even now, when I’m left looking after one of them the ease of one compared with two just hits me like a truck and I’m almost jealous of parents of onlies.

That said, I am glad we had two as they absolutely adore each other and keep each other entertained (mostly - the bickering can be infuriating).

Both of mine were TERRIBLE sleepers OP - TERRIBLE. Like, awake every 1-2 hours a night from birth until almost two (both of them) and completely dependent nappers (on me, car, pram or sling - never solo in a cot which I would have killed and died for, especially when I had a toddler desperately needing 1:1 time away from his baby brother). It was a fucking nightmare and every baby/toddler stage DS2 went through made me wonder why the hell I was putting myself through it all again. Now that those hellish, godforsaken years are behind me now, though, two has definitely been worth it.

Babyboomtastic · 25/02/2021 20:41

I think the best way to compare, is when parents of 2 find themselves with just the one for the day. Especially when the second was a baby, if the grandparents had our toddler for the day, with just the newborn it was literally like a mini break! That's when you see how much additional work an extra child has, but one child also then seems much easier than they did before Grin

Cocogreen · 25/02/2021 20:45

3.5 year gap which was perfect for us. They’re both in their 20s now, still very close.
Frankly with a bigger gap I didn’t feel like 2 was really hard - a lot of my friends did the 2 year gap and that looked hard with two bad sleepers, two in nappies etc. When my son was born his sister was at kindergarten so I had some time to myself during the day when he slept and she had little jealousy.

WednesdayalltheWay · 25/02/2021 20:46

Very interesting reading all the posts. I can't really help as I only have one. As far as I can see the only reason to have another would be to give DD a sibling, and that's not enough of a reason to go through it all again, plus huge extra financial cost and cost to my career..knowing this from day one has really enabled me to enjoy the time with my daughter knowing each stage is the only time I will experience that, without any anxiety about another baby.
You're so young, I don't think you need this pressure right now! Having a 15m old is quite exhausting enough I would have thought !

anormalperson · 25/02/2021 20:48

16month age gap here, the first year of having 2 was a complete blur but now theyre the best of friends at 6 and 7 . Ds and dd . Glad I had them close together .. now

independentfriend · 25/02/2021 21:23

I wouldn't try to have another child now - your existing one will be only just 2 if you are fast in conceiving. I'd postpone the decision until at least the autumn of this year [ie. hopefully post COVID with restrictions on hospital visitors/companions at appts and so you'll be likely to have a more typical maternity leave of eg. cafes / baby groups / trips out] and then if you do want a second, plan so that your eldest will be 4 or so when your youngest would be starting at nursery.

TwoIsAZoo · 25/02/2021 21:30

It depends on how easy or hard your first is compared to your second. If your first is hard and your second is easy, you will find it easier than someone with the opposite of easy first/harder second. There is also no guarantee that one will be easier than the other. My second is much easier than my first, that's just luck.

I found 1-2 easier than 0-1, but so much more washing and cleaning up. I would only have another if you really want one. It's OK to have one, if that is the right family size for you. Mine was going to be an only child, then we change our minds. There are pros and cons to both.

Definitely wouldn't have a third, I know my own limits!

SunscreenCentral · 25/02/2021 21:34

7 year gap. They are great. Don’t worry about it too much, you’re young. Have another baby if you WANT another baby and for no other reason.

Mary46 · 25/02/2021 21:37

Its tough two in nappies. But everyone is different. I had him in school she was 9 months. They teens now. Op whatever works for you. Good luck

Igglepigglesgrubbyblanket · 25/02/2021 21:43

I have two DC 2 years 5 months apart. The first was an 'easy' baby, the second was a non sleeping colicky nightmare & I had pnd.
I honestly regretted the decision for well over a year. Once my second was about 3 I felt like I'd come up from under water.
It was more than double the work for me.

IdblowJonSnow · 25/02/2021 21:46

OP you're young. Your little one is still so little! Get some contraception sorted and take your time over this massive decision.

My 2nd child was a surprise. I was happy with one and my first was a terrible sleeper. Guess what, my second was too.
There is no need to rush and if the thought of having two preschoolers makes you anxious then plan for a gap.
We were very good as a 3 and I had no desire to have another baby just to give my first child a sibling.

addictedtotheflats · 25/02/2021 21:53

I always thought I wanted two close together but now I don't know if my DS is a wild child or im just acopic, probably the latter... my DS is 22 months and im aiming for a 3.5 year gap to get his 30 free hours childcare so I can afford to put him in nursery during my next maternity leave (assuming I get pregnant as planned) plus maternity + covid lockdown/restrictions = torture for me so another reason why I'm delaying it. I also work full time and squeeze in overtime where I can. Its hard. I admire people who manage 2+ kids, even more so single parents

snackmammy · 25/02/2021 21:58

I felt the same for a long time. I had my second last year (5 year age gap) and it's been the best thing I ever did. DS has brought nothing but joy to all of our lives and is a much easier baby than DD was although she wasn't too bad. I'm much more confident and chilled out this time and feel like he has completed us.

I won't lie first couple of weeks were tough adjusting to new routine, baby blues, recovering from birth (although fast and easy still takes time to feel yourself again)

I'm so glad I took the leap and went for it as seeing the love they have for each other makes my heart burst! And it's easier second time as routine already established so new baby just has to fit in. Don't rush, take your time and see how you feel personally 5 years was a great age gap for us and I'd possibly like another in the future (DH not so sure) good luck with whatever you decide x

BlueJag · 25/02/2021 22:01

We have one and it's amazing. We have been so happy and between the two if us we always had so much to give him. We have lavish him with love and attention. Our son is just the best. He is 15 and a joy to have around. My dh and I were older parents and we decided that one was a gift. We've been together 31 years and we are looking forward to more time alone once our son is more independent.
We are very lucky Smile

BlueJag · 25/02/2021 22:03

PS: our son loves being a singleton. He never once asked for a sibling.

rattlemehearties · 25/02/2021 22:05

Having two kids during lockdown has been a godsend. They play together and occupy each other. Everyone I know with just one kid is struggling far far more.

rattlemehearties · 25/02/2021 22:06

Can't believe there are parents of one saying "two is double the work"... it's not? You're experienced from first time round so the crazy baby stuff is marginally easier, for instance. Lots of hand me downs so shouldn't be as expensive.

midsummabreak · 25/02/2021 22:12

Your ash doesn’t mind either way so do what suits you. I have three siblings who had one child and when their children were young they enjoyed sports and music groups with other children, and childcare (and also through their cousins). Having no children is a valid choice, and so as is having one child. Many families make it work beautifully.