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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and Stag almost week!

414 replies

drivenmadbyhomeschool · 23/02/2021 15:37

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

RunningOnMusic · 23/02/2021 19:47

If he gets to go away... so do you...

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 23/02/2021 19:47

I don't totally see issue if you can afford it , is there no one else who can help you whilst he is away
And if he doesn't mind you going away , ok might not be possible now but it may be in a year or two.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/02/2021 19:48

Call his bluff.

'Yes dear that would be lovely if you could go for that long however you can't, so why don't we ALL go, you can have a couple of evenings with your friends and we can spend the rest of the time together, enjoying Vegas as you know I have always wanted to go'..

Thats reasonable.. I mean, it isn't and he won't want to do it, but then he'd have to say no to YOU going to the place you have always wanted to go... which makes him the unreasonable one.....

peak2021 · 23/02/2021 19:51

It is in November. Being on your own looking after young children in June when it is usually warm, there's plenty of daylight, and you can do things outdoors fairly easily, is a world of difference from November.

YANBU to object unless you are with him too.

BitOfFun · 23/02/2021 19:58

I like your style, @WiddlinDiddlin .

I agree with the posters saying how hard it is to leave a child with severe additional needs, having been in that position myself until quite recently. I don't think DH or I had more than one overnight away in fifteen years. My adult dd made a peaceful and well-planned transition to supported accommodation, and we started to think about the places we could go together. Then I got Stage 4 cancer, and lockdown arrived just to fuck up my bucket list, it seems!

It still doesn't change how much I appreciate DH staying in the trenches with me at the time. He just would never have put me in the position of being the Fun Police, because he's not that selfish.

Thewithesarehere · 23/02/2021 19:59

I think he is being selfish and you are being a martyr. You must prioritise your needs too but you most likely know that already.

therealteamdebbie · 23/02/2021 20:02

being a parent doesn't mean you have to give up on life.

I think it's very unreasonable to be pissed off because your partner would like to spend a week with friends.

It doesn't matter at all if it's the father or the mother.

Having to drag your family on a stag week or a hen week is just ridiculous and frankly embarrassing.

I have 4 kids, and I have spent a long weekend with my girlfriends in Vegas... If DH had put his foot down, I would have been livid, how controlling is that.

CovidHalloween · 23/02/2021 20:12

Can I just add that he will be jet lagged and utterly useless for another week after he comes back? It’s not just 6 days away, it’s more like 2 weeks+
Away @drivenmadbyhomeschool

JackieWeaverFever · 23/02/2021 20:14

I came on to say yanbu

BUT....

Taking ypur post at face value

If you "can afford it" ( which i take to mean excess income of 10k+ per year) you can also afford to get some help in.

Ie. "Cook" style ready meals, a cleaner some specialist help with the kids

You choose not to have a break that is your own issue. Honestly it is. I would have noooo issue buggering off for 2 or 3 infamous "mumsnet spa days" per year. (currently booking one now as lockdown is lifting yippeeeeee)

If reckon if he is prepared to do upfront legwork (ie change all the beds and clear out laundry baskets and sort washing etc before he goes) I'd let him crack on.

That said, personally I think las vegas is a dump but each to their own...

Five67Eight · 23/02/2021 20:19

Do you have a child with autism @therealteamdebbie?

sbhydrogen · 23/02/2021 20:25

I love my DH and DC more than anything in the world, but I'd 100% rather go to Vegas with my friends 😅 They're trying to market some parts of LV as being family oriented, but it's not really. I went for my 30th with my friends, and I hope to go again for my 40th 💃 I'd expect a lot of grovelling, but I wouldn't stop him from going. Could you invite your parent(s) over for some help whilst he's gone?

therealteamdebbie · 23/02/2021 20:29

This is MN where some posters are convinced evening routines are a 2-adults jobs

The sad thing is, when someone is so territorial about being indispensable and refusing to just let go, it becomes a vicious circle when no, you can't easily go away for a week if the other one has never been allowed to be alone with the kids for 1 hour.

It's a valid choice if it's your preference of course, but you can't complain when you are then stuck, or when god forbid you get sick or have an emergency and suddenly not available!

Sugarandteaandmum · 23/02/2021 20:32

Don't think anyone should be planning a foreign trip this year, tbh, aside from anything else. Give it another year. This is a global problem.

FuckyouBrennan · 23/02/2021 20:35

@therealteamdebbie

This is MN where some posters are convinced evening routines are a 2-adults jobs

It's a valid choice if it's your preference of course, but you can't complain when you are then stuck, or when god forbid you get sick or have an emergency and suddenly not available!

This!

And before any other posters ask; yes! I do have a disabled child.

aweegc · 23/02/2021 20:38

Not only will you be at hone alone with the kids, he'll be having fun in the exact place you've been wanting to go to. And then if you do go on your birthday, it'll all be new to you and he'll know it already, so you don't have the same shared experience.

But that's not the point.

Life is unfair. Like when you're the sole carer for a child with additional needs and can't get away (even is said child is wonderful). There is absolutely no reason why he has time to go on a stag week, plus do all his hobbies and have weekends away and does not have time to spend with his child to ensure that his partner could do the same sometimes. What on earth would happen if you had to go to hospital? This would be unbelievably traumatic for his child. He needs to step up here, I'm even if it's hard abs "unfair".

He is the parent of a child with additional needs. He's almost behaving as if he's got kids in boarding school!

Five67Eight · 23/02/2021 20:46

This is MN where some posters are convinced evening routines are a 2-adults jobs

Clearly the OP doesn’t think this, given he gets to go away and have his hobbies.

SinkGirl · 23/02/2021 20:47

This is MN where some posters are convinced evening routines are a 2-adults jobs hmm

Well here they are. I can’t handle overnights for 6 nights by myself and care for my kids during the day too.

NeedToKnow101 · 23/02/2021 20:58

@AryaStarkWolf

I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This would annoy me the most tbh

And me.

Mittens030869 · 23/02/2021 21:05

* Why have stag nights turned into weekends turned into whole bloody holidays? It's a bit ridiculous*

I agree. They used to be just a pub crawl, currie and stunt played on the groom to be.

Abouttimemum · 23/02/2021 21:10

@Mittens030869 I also agree, it’s ridiculous!! I couldn’t imagine either of us spending that amount of time and money on a holiday that wasn’t a family one to be honest.

LolaSmiles · 23/02/2021 21:16

This is MN where some posters are convinced evening routines are a 2-adults jobs
They're not, but it sure is easier having a hands on partner in the house who is regularly and actively involved in parenting his own children instead of pissing off to play with his friends all the time.

Porridgeoat · 23/02/2021 21:20

Only if he has the kids for 6 nights and 7 days in return.

GalaxyGirl24 · 23/02/2021 21:23

This would bother me! Firstly because 6 nights and days!!!!!
Secondly because you've never had a break but it sounds like he has breaks frequently with hobbies and holidays away with mates.
Thirdly because of the fact that he hadn't seemed keen with you but then with mates it's a good idea.

If this was me and my DH I'd be bothered by it.

Mittens030869 · 23/02/2021 21:26

@Abouttimemum

Exactly. It wouldn't even occur to my DH to consider going on a six day stag holiday. Not because I'm controlling, he just wouldn't want to be away for so long.

And similar to the OP, our DD1 (11) has SEN and adoption related attachment issues. So neither of us have been away on our own more than a couple of times and not without a considerable amount of discussion about it.

therealteamdebbie · 23/02/2021 21:28

@SinkGirl

This is MN where some posters are convinced evening routines are a 2-adults jobs hmm

Well here they are. I can’t handle overnights for 6 nights by myself and care for my kids during the day too.

so your partner doesn't work? Is never "allowed" to go out?
YOU never go out?

It's not parenting, it's prison.

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