DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

I'd let him go. We've all had a shit year. He's been offered an opportunity that you can afford and it seems mean to stop him doing it. He can always go another time with you when you can make the logistics of child care work.

My DH and I have been abroad for a few stag and hen dos. I wasnt happy to leave my DC when they were little, that was my choice and he did go away with friends for weekends etc. Didnt bother me as he would have happily stepped up with the DC. Your the primary carer to your 5yr old with autism and you have said your not happy to leave them stating your DC wouldnt cope. Well to be honest if you continue like that your never going to ever get away without your DC. That is your choice, I have no doubt your DH is able to look after his DC to allow you time away. however you have said you wouldnt anyway as your other friends have young DC too. You need to start trusting your DH to step up with your 5yr old. Then you can take time out. It wouldnt bother me if we could afford it that he heads to a stag do for 6 nights.

This isn't about the OP being jealous but about her being pissed off because the consequences of his trip fall on her alone. A decent father and husband would have recognised that it's not about balancing trips abroad and leisure time, it's about leaving her for almost a week with his children who are both young and one who has additional needs.

His holiday increases her burden and if he was in anyway thoughtful, he would have considered what he could do to either lessen that or not cause it in the first place.

If I were you I wouldn't ' be so pissed off if it were a stag that tied in with his sport eg a cycle trip in Spain or something . Las Vegas is all about women, hookers, booze and casinos.

let him go, no need for both of you to suffer. Get him used to taking care of your DD then you can bugger off too. He'll have horrendous jet lag for ages when he gets back too.

@BehindMyEyes it really is - I went there late teens and my eyes were on stalks with the places I walked past in the evening. Sleazy place. I told my mates it was sin city when I got back. It’s nice in the day with the canyon etc

@toocold54

I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Why can’t you go away?

Him going away for this length of time wouldn’t bother me but I’d make sure I go away with my friends for a similar length of time too.

Is it that you don’t have friends/family you can go away with or that he won’t let you go?

Try RTFT @toocold54.

She has said - she has a child with autism.

I live in Las Vegas, NV. We have horrible rates of CV19, and our state is lagging behind getting us all vaccinated. Our schools have been closed for over a year, my child has literally not been into school for one day in the last year.

The casinos are open, but he won’t have the full experience, due to social distancing, barriers put throughout, many bars and restaurants like buffets are closed. All that’s open for eating and drinking is mostly the v.expensive restaurants.

Locals don’t want visitors to come either, we had very low CV19 rates until the casinos reopened last summer. The only ones welcoming visitors are money grubbing f@cking Casino owners.

And that’s aside from all the reasons you husband shouldn’t be leaving you for a week to do all the parenting. We have also raised a disabled child, and mine wouldn’t have asked for this much time away. Far too cheeky an ask.

Jesus, people!

The OP has explicitly stated that she is a carer for her 5 year old with autism. I think it is safe to assume that her difficulties go a bit deeper than having a child that would prefer mummy not daddy to read their bedtime story.

I have a friend who has a child who is severely impacted by autism and honestly, you might as well suggest a fucking trip to Mars as a spa weekend (and she would be up for either, given a chance).

@HollowTalk

What the hell happened to stag nights being a pub crawl, a curry and tying a naked groom to a lamp post?

Get with the times. It’s all about lap dances, prostitutes and how many women you can exploit these days.

@Five67Eight I have RTFT which is why I asked. Surely the child’s dad is capable of looking after the child on his own if op can do it.

He's selfish.

A lot of men are. You have to remind them that they need to take care of you and your needs and your whole entire family.

If you don't make a fuss and put yourself first, he certainly won't. So yes, tell him you want to spend the money on a fully supported family holiday all together.

Las Vegas, just makes me think they'll be strippers and god knows what else....

I think I'd be asking for a divorce actually...

I also have SN child and have never spent a night away from my DC.

DC is 13. I could now but certainly not when DC was 5.

And guess what, nor has my DH ever gone away for a piss up 1000s of miles away. Ever. He's never been on any holiday other than a family holiday.

if you don't have a SN kid, don't comment. You couldn't possibly know what the responsibilty is like.

OK - will he take the kids for 6 days alone while you have a quid pro quo holiday of a comparable cost in say July?

I would be okay with it but would expect the same type of arrangement in return

On the one hand your saying at nearly 40 years old with a family he shouldn’t be going to Vegas for a piss up but also suggesting it for your joint 40ths? Vegas is hardly a family holiday destination I can see why he would think it’s more suitable to go with his mates and I don’t think he is ‘taking the piss.’

I wouldn’t begrudge him of going when he can afford it, we have all had a difficult year, but I would deffo be booking myself a holiday with my friends or at least a girls spa weekend so it’s not all one sided.

YRNBU if he wants to live the life of a single man he should not have married and had kids. Hes technically asked you if he can leave his responsibilities to you for a week so he can go on an all lads piss up. Your DH is being very selfish considering he gets away with friends frequently and you don’t get as much free time as him. If my OH wanted to go away for that legnth of time I would say no. Plus my OH feels bad if he has to go away for a couple nites which i don’t mind. Tell him hes bring unreasonable as a married man with kids to go swanning off for a week on the piss. Plus id be pissed off that hes more keen to go with his mates than he was with you.

It wouldn't cross my husband's mind to say yes to this kind of trip. Unless you have spare money for this, but it just wouldn't be an option for us. How much is it costing and will it come from joint funds? YANBU.

Fuck that, I'd say no too.

You came to Mumsnet because you know everyone will be on your side.

You both deserve a week long holiday with your mates, without kids, I’m sure. Most parents do.

But the answer you’ll get entirely depends where you post it !

If you want everyone to agree with you, come to Mumsnet.

If you want a fight, go to Fathers4Justice forum.

If you want a sit on the fence fluffy hearts and flowers, go to Netmums.

If you want the honest diabolical truth, poll your local Facebook ‘local news and views’ type page.

Let him go, when he comes back, he can return the favour at some point. Not worth the argument really (shrug emoji).

@cheeseismydownfall

Jesus, people!

The OP has explicitly stated that she is a carer for her 5 year old with autism. I think it is safe to assume that her difficulties go a bit deeper than having a child that would prefer mummy not daddy to read their bedtime story.

I have a friend who has a child who is severely impacted by autism and honestly, you might as well suggest a fucking trip to Mars as a spa weekend (and she would be up for either, given a chance).

In fairness, the OP has said that she hopes to be able to leave both DC and go to Vegas with her DH in a few years' time, so presumably her DC's additional needs are not as great as your friend's child. But I agree that everyone saying, 'Just take a week off yourself' is missing the point.

I wouldn't have a problem with this. We all need a break.

It's your choice not to take a break so you can't really hold it against him that he would want to.

@Whammyyammy

6 days is short for Las Vegas tbh, considering the flight time, even if direct.

The cost would be concerning, I've been and my husband has been many times with the RAF. Each time he always sends a fortune, at least £750 per week, normally more, he doesn't gamble and obviously doesn't pay for hotel or flights.
Add on a few excursions to grand canyon, hoover dam, shooting ranges..... its expensive and sort of things a stag week involve.
Vegas is not a place I'd like to see again, but one of those places you got to see. If you can afford it , support him in going, its goid fun.

So if he goes now, he won't want to go with the OP who actually really wants to go!

@cheeseismydownfall

Jesus, people!

The OP has explicitly stated that she is a carer for her 5 year old with autism. I think it is safe to assume that her difficulties go a bit deeper than having a child that would prefer mummy not daddy to read their bedtime story.

I have a friend who has a child who is severely impacted by autism and honestly, you might as well suggest a fucking trip to Mars as a spa weekend (and she would be up for either, given a chance).

This. If you don't have an autistic kid, you probably have NO IDEA how disruptions like that affect them, how long the after effects from changes last or just simply how HARD it is to parent them day to day. She's not being the mean old wifey here.

In fairness, the OP has said that she hopes to be able to leave both DC and go to Vegas with her DH in a few years' time, so presumably her DC's additional needs are not as great as your friend's child. But I agree that everyone saying, 'Just take a week off yourself' is missing the point.

Either the autistic 5 year old is ok with his dad or he's not. There are mothers of neurotypical children that age who'd fear leaving them for 5 days without justification. We can't be sure DS wouldn't be ok with just dad.