DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

Right, well I guess we will send our disabled twins back then, since our lives are so unbearable.

I said I couldn’t do overnights (very little sleep, lots of screaming) and care in the day by myself for six days straight. Of course we both go out, he absolutely works (from home) and I work part time around them.

There’s a big fucking difference between going out with mates and pissing off to another country for almost a week - it’s not that we aren’t “allowed”, it’s that neither of us would ever do that to the other.

Bloody hell, therealteamdebbie, I don't think I've read anything as rude and insensitive all week!

*It's not parenting, it's prison.€

Er, yes, that can be life with an additional needs child. Let alone two.

Did you not realise that?

@pasturesgreen

He's massively taking the piss. YANBU.

^^ this. And if he’s a reasonable human being he should realise this without you having to tell him.

Don’t let him go. Vegas is not very nice: mostly gambling and tarts. The food isn’t much. It’s not fair on you.

@Five67Eight

*It's not parenting, it's prison.€

Er, yes, that can be life with an additional needs child. Let alone two.

Did you not realise that?

No. If ONE parent can deal with it, so can the other. A father is (or should) be just as able as a mother - a vagina doesn't give you magical powers, or means you become the main carer.

Apart from breastfeeding, parents are absolutely equal. There's no reason why they cannot take turn for having weekends away, and why it must be the responsibility of the mother exclusively.

If ONE parent can deal with it, so can the other.
A father is (or should) be just as able as a mother - a vagina doesn't give you magical powers, or means you become the main carer.

Apart from breastfeeding, parents are absolutely equal. There's no reason why they cannot take turn for having weekends away, and why it must be the responsibility of the mother exclusively But that poster didn't say it had to be the mother exclusively. They said with two disabled children neither parent would leave the other for a week or weekend. I say this as a mother who is the higher earner with a partner who does at least 50% childcare and household tasks.

It also sounds in the case of that poster that it would be unsafe for either parent to be left alone with the children for that long due to having little to no sleep. If the children keep you awake all night and all day you can't possibly be fit to parent them alone for a bloody week. That's unfair to the parents and the children.

Honestly it's like some posters are internationally "forgetting" the children in the OP and some of the subsequent posters have children with disabilities.

When men of a certain age start acting selfishly and demanding unreasonable things for themselves that are not in line with married and family life it just screams midlife crises.

My DH had one, a full breakdown I would venture to say, and his selfish demands and actions (normally completely out of character for him) over a two year period very nearly tore our family apart. Irreparable damage was caused.

I don’t get some of the responses you’ve got OP. Can’t get my head around them. I think your OH is taking the piss for a few reasons.

1. I could understand if it were a close friends stag do. I doubt it is though because your only invited to the evening part of the wedding.

2. Leaving you with two young children with additional needs for 6 days and nights really isn’t on.

3. He suddenly wants to go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go to but he didn’t particularly want to go to when you asked.

4. His response when you told him how you felt about it. That was a shitty response.

I think you are right and that he’s massively taking the piss. I do however think you need to try to let him facilitate you going away for a few days. It’s in everyone’s best interest really in case you have to in an emergency I.e you were taken ill. I think it would also give him a bit of a wake up call and he would be less likely to swan off on these weekends / weeks. At the moment he would ‘hypothetically’ facilitate you going away because he hasn’t had to do it for a good length of time but when he has I think he will change his tune.

I also asked my husband what he thought and he just said ‘man child.’

You say he'd help you get some time to yourself butthats not feasible.

So in a few year when ds is older and you want some time to yourself and rs feasible like it is for him now would you be pissed if he brought up you wouldn't let him go?

I have autistic twins, one with quite high needs. A few years ago, so they would have been about 6yrs old, my DP’s work arranged an annual piss-up - in Vegas. Just to really put the boot in, it was my birthday while they were away.

I’m in a similar position to OP in that even now, I couldn’t go away overnight. And there is absolutely zero chance I could be in another country and not able to get back home quickly. Life it what it is.

My DP used to go away with work every year, no work done, it was a free holiday the boss paid for them all to enjoy. It was usually Europe but for some reason going to Vegas felt much worse, and it was longer too, around 5 days rather than the usual 3-4.

I was incredibly fucked off that he went. We won’t ever have the chance to go because of the needs of the kids, so to be fair I didn’t try and stop him. I just felt sad that he happily left me on my birthday and juggling full-time work plus caring for two disabled kids without a second thought.

Years later if anyone even mentions Vegas or it’s mentioned on TV he can’t help but launch into stories about what occurred when HE was in Vegas 🙄 Fuck. Off.

I’m sorry, I’m not much help really but just to say I totally get it - and I get that you want him to be the one to say, actually, I wouldn’t do that to you. I’ll hold on until we can go together.

I felt my DP would resent me if he didn’t go as the whole office was going. And I still felt fucked off because I didn’t think he stopped to think about my feelings in his glee to get away. In your circumstances- a stag do for a distant friend - I would be furious.

I felt my DP would resent me if he didn’t go as the whole office was going

But you resenting him ... well, that’s just a woman’s lot.

Not blaming you, in case it’s coming across like that. But why are women expected to suck it up, not be the nag or the handbrake, in case it causes resentment in partners?

But then women end up seething and resenting in the background, and that’s OK?

And then those same men wonder why their sex life has withered away to nothing. absolutely no dot-joining at all...

Already commented on this but 100000000% agree with what @Five67Eight says.
Women are seen as the 'ball and chain' type still if their partners aren't able to go galavanting with mates all the time while they maintain the home and do all the work for the children.

@Five67Eight - Your comments are totally fair and I don't disagree at all.

I think what was partially at play was my guilt for the fact that this would probably be a once-only chance for him because of our home circumstances. Definitely also the unconscious pressure not to be the big, mean partner and ruin his fun.

This was a few years ago now, and when I was typing my comment I realised that actually I'm still angry as fuck about it. I was so, so hurt at the time - not because I couldn't cope, because I did and I can. Just the inequity of it, and the total lack of any acknowledge of that.

*acknowledgement

@WaterOffADucksCrack

If ONE parent can deal with it, so can the other. A father is (or should) be just as able as a mother - a vagina doesn't give you magical powers, or means you become the main carer.

Apart from breastfeeding, parents are absolutely equal. There's no reason why they cannot take turn for having weekends away, and why it must be the responsibility of the mother exclusively But that poster didn't say it had to be the mother exclusively. They said with two disabled children neither parent would leave the other for a week or weekend. I say this as a mother who is the higher earner with a partner who does at least 50% childcare and household tasks.

It also sounds in the case of that poster that it would be unsafe for either parent to be left alone with the children for that long due to having little to no sleep. If the children keep you awake all night and all day you can't possibly be fit to parent them alone for a bloody week. That's unfair to the parents and the children.

Honestly it's like some posters are internationally "forgetting" the children in the OP and some of the subsequent posters have children with disabilities.

Exactly. For some reason that poster extrapolated “I couldn’t do it alone for a week” into “I don’t let my husband leave the house”.

Unless it was a family emergency or a critical work trip, neither of us would do it. We might mention to the other one we’d been invited but I don’t think we would even ask because neither of us would expect the other to cope alone for almost a week.

A year ago at Christmas DH bought me a voucher for an overnight spa break at a lovely hotel nearby. It was a massive gesture because I haven’t been away overnight by myself, and he only has once for work. At the time I was handling their EHCPs by myself and i was not doing well mentally. Thanks to COVID I never got to use it, but I will go once things settle down.

When people don’t have disabled kids or have family who can take their kids overnight, they really don’t get it. This is not a case of being controlling. For some of us, the freedom that many take for granted doesn’t exist. And it’s bloody insulting to suggest that makes me some kind of prison warden or that our lives are horrific.

For me he would have to arrange babysitters and cleaners beforehand to support. Then I would want the same on his return. 7 days away somewhere.

I would say no and put my foot down. Its not fair for him to go off on a holiday alone that you can barely afford when you could have a family holiday with that money and probably spend less. Why should you and the kids miss out.

My husband wanted to go to Portugal for five days golfing for his stag. Said it's only a grand for this fancy hotel and golf everyday.
I said for that grand we could have a week at haven as a family after the wedding and spending money.
He soon dismissed the idea when he realised how unfair it was on the rest of us.

[quote ExhaustedFlamingo]@Five67Eight - Your comments are totally fair and I don't disagree at all.

I think what was partially at play was my guilt for the fact that this would probably be a once-only chance for him because of our home circumstances. Definitely also the unconscious pressure not to be the big, mean partner and ruin his fun.

This was a few years ago now, and when I was typing my comment I realised that actually I'm still angry as fuck about it. I was so, so hurt at the time - not because I couldn't cope, because I did and I can. Just the inequity of it, and the total lack of any acknowledge of that.[/quote]
I’m not surprised you’re still angry. I know exactly what it’s like to be in this situation with disabled twins - I don’t think I would forgive DH if he did this especially leaving me holding the fort on my birthday.

If he had to go on a work trip, the discussion would be what can we do to make this manageable.

The PP banging on about how both parents are equal is missing the point. I don’t know one mother of a young disabled child (let alone with additional children) who would even consider doing this in these circumstances, whether their partner is capable or not, yet clearly it’s not uncommon for the fathers. Equal, my arse.

Exhaustedflamingo there is just something about Vegas isnt there as well.

DH had an annual work trip they deemed Kick off for the year - a few presentations over 2 days a lot of evening drinking etc. Never had a problem with it until they floated the idea of Vegas and then it became something different.

They never managed it - and now the whole thing was off but it was something about the idea of Vegas.

I think it is a few things - the price (flights spending money) the time - you need at least 4-5 nights plus the jetlag when you come back and the whole thing.

Here the DH is saying I want to spend lots of family money (and I reckon its 3-4k at least) having a blow out on ME because this is all about him given his relationship with the Stag without a care and it is a step too far.

As an aside though Vegas has changed even before COVID, I think the hey day has gone and is something else now

Sounds to me like he's using the fact that your DD needs mean that you can't go away as a justification to say 'well i can't care for DD so i might as well go on holiday'
What he's not taking into account is that for those 6 days, you get no break at all, not even your usual 'me' time. In my circumstances with no child with additional needs, that wouldn't be a problem but you have and i expect that you rely on that time for your well-being and the thought of being without it is what is bothering you. It would me.

I have read all the responses.

My life isn't like a prison. Do I wish my DD didn't have a disability and we could do thing like 'normal' parents? Of course. I think people have maybe not read the part where I said in normal non COVID times I do have some of my own time. I see friends, I go for dinner, I leave the house to go to the gym, DH takes the children over to his parents for the day (three pairs of hands not one!). But these are for a few hours, at the moment that's all we can manage. I accept that.

The parents of disabled children who've posted get it, mostly I think. Caring for a child with disabilities (plus a toddler) day and night is entirely different to parenting an NT child. Doing it alone for six days when it's not absolutely essential is pretty intolerable.

I am hopeful that in time, when she's older we will both be able to get away more, together and with our own friends. But at the moment this is how our life is. She comes first.

We haven't made much progress I'm afraid. We had a disagreement after the children went to bed, with me saying I think he's completely taking the piss and him saying I'm controlling and unreasonable. I have basically said to him that he's making me reevaluate our relationship because I can't believe he can't see how selfish he's being. And he is.

Oh and also, he does care for DD. He is a great Dad overall. But when it comes to her remaining routined, resolving her (frequently and extreme) meltdowns, taking her to school, getting her settled at night after accidents/anxiety attacks it's me that she needs.

Could he cope if I died or was hospitalised etc? Of course he could he'd have to and she would eventually adjust. But to put DD through that upheaval - not to mention the disruption this would cause to our younger child - for no good reason other than he fancies pissing off on a jolly for nearly a week is selfish in the extreme.

Op have you spoken to him calmly. I know with my dh my wrath gets his wrath in response. When I calm down and outline why I’m angry without personally attacking him and his actions he normally sees my point of view and either apologises or drops it. Just wondering if this is becoming a stale mate because you’re so angry ( and rightly so of course)

I didn't shout (I don't really, neither of us are shouters plus kids in bed!). I was very cross though. He WFH so he's in the house but to be honest we're not really speaking - we are being civil of course I'm not a child but he's sulking and I have nothing to say to him. Honestly I'm so disappointed with his attitude.

I'm busy home schooling DD and playing with toddler, and he's working so until the children are in bed later we won't have a chance to speak about it again. Probably a good thing, it's never good to just rehash whilst pissed off.

It's rare that we fall out, generally.