DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

Fine, provided you also get to away for a long weekend too.

@MaLarkinn do you have a disabled child and so know what it’s like to be a cater?

I wouldn't have a problem with DH going. But he wouldn't have a problem with me having a week away either.

The reading comprehension of some on here is just boggling.

Seems reasonable to me and yes my DH has been to Vegas for the best part of a week on a stag do plus a bunch of times with work (as have I). It’s just a bunch of guys blowing off steam - let him go and be gracious about it then plan where he can take you on his return. Really not a big deal.

@TheGlitterFairy As a PP said, didn't you see the bit where OP said she has a child with additional needs?

You stated he would facilitate you having a break. You choose not to have one.

@JesusAteMyHamster OP doesn't think it's an option right now. It's not a choice. He can say that he would 'let' her do it (I don't know if he has said that) but she might know more of how he/they would cope.

What do you mean she 'doesn't sound like she would do that to her DH if the positions were switched'? What would she be doing to him? Taking a well earned 6 day break with her friends while he looks after his own kids?

Leaving him to handle the kids by himself at a young age when one has SEN. I don't know why people are finding this so hard to empathize with/understand. Especially as OP is looking after the child with disabilities all day while he's presumably doing other stuff, and she said the LO is clingy to her. As he's not the one caring for their child most of the time, she's got no way of knowing how it would go, but can probably guess if the DC is very attached to his mum.

@drivenmadbyhomeschool PP's are right that maybe he could somehow develop more experience of handling the kids by himself/being more involved?

It's unreasonable.
Unless you tell him that you will also be going away for six days with some of your friends.
It's also a huge dent in your bank account.

I'd be annoyed he said weekend when he knows full well it is nearly a bloody week.

It is definitely time he does more parenting with your five year old. Very pathetic that he can't manage the child as you do. What if you died? It would be the child who struggled more.

I’ve only got one autistic child and she is extremely “high functioning” and leaving her overnight when she was young was a very big deal. When DH had to travel for work sometimes it felt like I was being left to drown. I don’t think people can really understand just how intense it can be to parent some children. Then to add another child to the mix and it’s just not fair to leave you to do it alone for anything that isn’t absolutely necessary.

There is no guarantee that they would be able to travel to the USA this year. The travel ban affecting UK and European citizens to visit the USA is still very much in place with no indication as to when it will be lifted.

NO !! absolutely not, how incredibly selfish of him to even consider going

In fact I have read that it is likely to be in place for the rest of 2021.

I wish you'd turned on voting!

I wouldn't be OK with this at all. He's being extremely selfish

I hate the idea of someone in a relationship “letting” the other do something.
Yes the ideal is he would think for himself and come to the conclusion that it’s a bit unfair on the OP but he hasn’t. He still wants to go regardless.

I agree it’s selfish but the alternative is to tell him he’s not allowed. Or try and make him feel so shit about it he decides it isn’t worth it.

I think the compromise that he goes this time and you both agree to go back together for your 40th’s is worth considering.

No I think he needs to stay. Perhaps if dc were older and he did equal care but No, I think you must be doing a fantastic job but everyone has their breaking points and it's his job as your partner in life to keep you far far away from yours.

My kids don't have additional needs, they're a lot older than yours and there would be no fucking chance he'd be going away like that, in the same respect I never would.
^This with bells on.

yanbu given current circumstances
from what i'm reading you don't have a balance in nights out or weekends away either imo
I think its important for you to have time to yourself much as its important for him to have time to himself and should rectify that
your child may be dependant on you but thats not going to change unless you both work towards him stepping up and taking some of the responsibility so you can have some time to yourself....when we're allowed

@goarbdj

Op your husband should leave the bitch and run for the hills!!!

ODFOD.

Some of the responses here are insane.

My DH is perfectly capable of looking after our autistic twins alone, as am I. But we try to limit how often this is necessary because it’s really bloody hard. We will have nights out individually with friends but wouldn’t go away overnight individually unless absolutely crucial. Some people have no clue.

YANBU!!!,

firstly it's 6 days that's more of a weeks holiday than a stag weekend

Secondly all that money spent on someone's stag who he isn't even that close to is RIDICULOUS IMO wether you can afford it or not!

Also what you've said reeks of imbalance in the relationship - he has several weekends away etc etc...

This isn't about making him suffer or 'letting' him do this that or the other it's about him realising the work and sacrifice you make for the family and staying with you and supporting that...

Friends have marriages where the husband behaves like this - it's not pretty.

- I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

'No. That's my red line - 6 nights away is taking the piss when it heaps so much more on me and I shoulder most of it anyway. But hey! It doesn't matter - because you've always been not bothered about Vegas when I've suggested us going - so you won't mind at all. Right?!'

That I am unreasonable!

Basically, 'that's not fair!'.

That's where he'd get a very hard stare from me and a 'No. Life isn't fucking fair, is it? Because if it was, I'd have weekends away with my mates and hobby time too.'

I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Why can’t you go away?

Him going away for this length of time wouldn’t bother me but I’d make sure I go away with my friends for a similar length of time too.

Is it that you don’t have friends/family you can go away with or that he won’t let you go?

“ Wow. I can’t imagine treating my husband like this. Or him me. I’d be out. Game over. Gone forever and not just six days.”

If you were childish enough to leave a happy 10 year marriage and your disabled children because you couldn’t go away for an expensive stag week with someone you hadn’t bothered seeing in years, then I think most of us would be helping you pack TBH Bluntness.

Tbh, the idea of him even bringing this to the table would have me wondering what kind of a selfish idiot I'd married.

It reminds me of when I was at secondary school and they gave us the Ski Trip letters to take home. I never even passed them to my parents, much less whined to attend, because I knew what they'd have to go without.

@LocalHobo

I think you are unreasonable in not beginning to ensure your autistic 5 year old can be left with someone else overnight, and obviously DH should be the first to step up. Who knows if you will have to be unavailable at some stage? As to the stag do in Vegas, why, when the groom is not a good friend would DH rather spend 6 days with him and various hangers on than you? So yeah, he shouldn't go.

I am friends with a couple in a similar situation though, and I know the DH in that relationship feels his wife uses their child as an excuse to no longer do late night/overnight social events but resents him doing things.
It will be interesting to see if things have changed with them when lockdown is over.

I agree with you. For me the big issue would be OP should have a break. It would be good for her and if it is good for her it will be good for the children.

OP you think your 5 year old couldn't cope but have you thought what would happen if you were ill or had an accident and disappeared to hospital for days or even weeks? Much better to have some little breaks, maybe just one to start with, that are planned.

The Las Vegas thing is something for you to sort out with him. I can say it wouldn't bother me but that doesn't help you.