DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

You arent being controlling or unreasonable it is what it is. Life isnt always fair and we cant always do what we want.

I think you need to calmly tell him this, that it isnt your fault he cant go and it isnt you being controlling or unreasonable it is just how it is. Its ok for him to feel it - that is life but he is going to have to be an adult and grown up (maybe not say this bit) and accept that this is the way it is.

And then leave it dont try to compromise or tell him he needs to realise that it is impossible for him to go

@drivenmadbyhomeschool

I didn't shout (I don't really, neither of us are shouters plus kids in bed!). I was very cross though. He WFH so he's in the house but to be honest we're not really speaking - we are being civil of course I'm not a child but he's sulking and I have nothing to say to him. Honestly I'm so disappointed with his attitude.

I'm busy home schooling DD and playing with toddler, and he's working so until the children are in bed later we won't have a chance to speak about it again. Probably a good thing, it's never good to just rehash whilst pissed off.

It's rare that we fall out, generally.

Seems he's acting like a small child as he's he's sulking. What a prick.

I've read your update, OP, I'm sorry you are locked in a bit of a battle over this.

From what I understand, the difficulty here is the differing impact that either of you taking a week out would have on your family.

If I understand correctly, him taking a week out and leaving you to hold the fort would be shit for you, but largely OK for your children (assuming you can hold it together).

Whereas if you were to disappear for a week, it would be shit for him and ALSO really distressing for the children, because of the upset caused by the disruption to their routines etc.

So for him to go away, all he has to worry about is squaring it with you, whereas for you to do the same, you are burdened with the guilt of knowing that your children are going to suffer in order to facilitate you having fun.

So it isn't fair for him to say that he would do the same for you, when he knows it just isn't as simple as that.

I'm not sure what the answer is but I really feel for you, and I understand why you feel so upset about it.

@drivenmadbyhomeschool

Oh and also, he does care for DD. He is a great Dad overall. But when it comes to her remaining routined, resolving her (frequently and extreme) meltdowns, taking her to school, getting her settled at night after accidents/anxiety attacks it's me that she needs.

Could he cope if I died or was hospitalised etc? Of course he could he'd have to and she would eventually adjust. But to put DD through that upheaval - not to mention the disruption this would cause to our younger child - for no good reason other than he fancies pissing off on a jolly for nearly a week is selfish in the extreme.

100% agree. I know you wouldn’t even consider going on a week long hen do and expecting him to manage - the fact that he has to take the kids to his parents when you’re not there yet expects you to manage alone for a week while he goes on yet another jolly says it all.

I hope you show him this thread, and I hope he gets what a selfish prick he’s being.

Why does he think it's not fair?

There are two issues here:

The first is a pressing need to normalise care from DH so that DD can be left with him without distress. A nephew of mine is autistic and both parents are equally involved in his care and equally ‘safe’.

The other Is the selfishness over the stag.

If you said you might consider it if he were prepare to care for DD singly for 6 days - what would be his response? Would he just say fine without thinking because he’s so desperate to go and think it might never happen, or would he be more honest that that is not something he would ever be prepared to do?

This is very difficult, because whatever thr outcome there is going to be huge resentment on the side of the other party. Rightly or wrongly, Both view the other as unreasonable.

The best solotion is a compromise. Not perfect for either, but also not dig your heels in relationship ending bad.

And in the interim normalising care with other people for your daughter that does not cause her the sort of huge distress you describe. Be it him, carers, or grandparents, so that if this arises again, either one of you can take a break and the other has a support network in place.

But there really shouldnt be resentment on his part.

He clearly is showing a man who (like frankly us all) has struggled with lockdown and presumably a curtailing of his social and leisure life (again like us all) who has a desire to "party like its 1999" at the end and this trip to Vegas has come and he sees that as a chance to get away and do that.

But it isnt 1999 he has responsibilites in life being an adult approaching 40 for whom downing everything and going away to Vegas is something they can do.

This isnt a friend he is close to so it isnt about that. I think it is a reaction of wanting to escape having been trapped.

But he cant and I disagree I dont think there is a compromise that didnt already exist in the relationship before lockdown.

Planning to go away to Vegas right now is just something he cannot do and I think OP you just need to leave him with that and hope that he recognises that it isnt YOU keeping him from it. It just is what it is. It may not be fair but frankly none of what has happened over the past 2 years is.

PLus there is every chance it is a pipe dream anyway. I have a US (family) holiday booked for October half term and I am well aware that it may not happen (as our my children).

He kept saying last night that he deserved a break. He does! So do I, along with the rest of the country.

And he's having a break anyway, he's booked to go to Europe in September for two nights with his friend to do their hobby. I am doubtful that it will go ahead as it's a mass event (thousands of people) but he's booked it with the thought that if it's rescheduled he'll already have tickets.

I have no objection to him doing this, if it's allowed/safe COVID wise etc. Even though it means rearranging a family members birthday party so that he can go (if they're allowed by then too!).

@drivenmadbyhomeschool

He kept saying last night that he deserved a break. He does! So do I, along with the rest of the country.

And he's having a break anyway, he's booked to go to Europe in September for two nights with his friend to do their hobby. I am doubtful that it will go ahead as it's a mass event (thousands of people) but he's booked it with the thought that if it's rescheduled he'll already have tickets.

I have no objection to him doing this, if it's allowed/safe COVID wise etc. Even though it means rearranging a family members birthday party so that he can go (if they're allowed by then too!).

Yes I’m sure lockdown has been super tough for him, whereas I’m sure you feel well rested and raring to go... 🙄

I know what the last year must have been like for you. I have been completely broken by it. What is he doing to facilitate the breaks you need? FA, obviously.

I am so angry for you. He is beyond unreasonable - I understand that other posters who don’t care for disabled children may struggle to understand this, but he shouldn’t because he lives there too!

What does he say when you ask him how he thinks it is for you being the full-time carer to your eldest child? He's got this two day trip planned now, what does he say when you explain that you can't have even that?

Assuming your child does not always need you full time at some point in the future, will you get a six day trip abroad with your friends on the family dime? No, really, will you?

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

What does he say when you ask him how he thinks it is for you being the full-time carer to your eldest child? He's got this two day trip planned now, what does he say when you explain that you can't have even that?

Assuming your child does not always need you full time at some point in the future, will you get a six day trip abroad with your friends on the family dime? No, really, will you?

He says 'that's your choice' not to go away for two nights that he'd be fine with it. But it's easy to say that when in reality he knows that's not going to happen and he so wouldn't cope well. DD would be so unsettled by it for days and days, my toddler would suffer because DD takes so much hands on work.

It's not my choice at all. It's just how it is, at the moment. Hopefully it won't always be like this.

Aah I see he thinks his break should not only be from the relentlessness of Covid but from his family as well.

And that his break causes you an intolerable level of stress and work and isn’t one that he can give you back.

And he already has a break booked in for himself and has no thought that his family may need one too

No wonder you are rethinking things he is coming across as a grade A selfish arse who hasn’t grasped yet the world does not revolve around him

Like you OP, I have an autistic 6yo (who relies on me heavily and who I am the main carer for) and a 2.5yo.

I wouldn't want DH to go away for the long either. I can just about manage an overnight, but even that is hard.

People without disabled kids won't get it. It IS different. It IS harder.

I think you have fundamental differences on how you parent your disabled Dd.

From what you write, you think you’re parenting the “right way” and DH will do it the “wrong way” and you may well be right, but there is something of a chasm between what you think your Dd needs and what he thinks.

So he’s saying you can leave us and you think that’s impossible.

You need to work out why that is.

With your last update OP I think your husband is quite a selfish and entitled man.

And FWIW- I think your dh is being really selfish.

Hopefully it won't always be like this

For things to change, you need to use this as a catalyst to increase DH's involvement with DD so that she's not solely dependent on you.

He desperately needs to understand the reality of being singly responsible for both children & learn how to cope with it.

Only then will he really understand what it is that he is asking of you when he fucks off.

Fwiw I think he's being totally unreasonable. One night ok - 6 nights - way too much.

However, you have made a rod for your own back by enabling the status quo.

He says 'that's your choice' not to go away for two nights

But it's not! You can't, your child can't cope without you! How can he be the father of this family and not know that?

OK, so call this bluff. Say that you do intend to go away somewhere for two nights as soon as it's allowed, book it. The famous MN spa day, go to a hotel on your own, just book it so he's at home with the kids by himself. What does he say?

@Atalune

I think you have fundamental differences on how you parent your disabled Dd.

From what you write, you think you’re parenting the “right way” and DH will do it the “wrong way” and you may well be right, but there is something of a chasm between what you think your Dd needs and what he thinks.

So he’s saying you can leave us and you think that’s impossible.

You need to work out why that is.

It's not that @Atalune. He doesn't do things 'wrong'. He does do some things differently to me and DD responds OK to that because that's how Daddy does it, no problem. She much prefers him bathing her for example. I've no idea why but weekend baths with Dad helping to wash her hair she loves, weekday baths with me helping she moans about. Swimming is something she will also only do with him she refuses to come with me unless he joins us too. It's an association I think. Water time with Dad is fun playtime, water time with Mum is 'quick, get washed it's time for bed'

It's more that I have been a SAHM (now full time carer) for DD from her birth and now have DD2 as well. Pre-COVID DH worked with a long commute and was out of the house from 7-7 Monday to Friday and then all of a Saturday afternoon doing his hobby. So I have done so much more of the looking after them than he has. I am fundamental to DDs key routines, yes he could physically take her to school for example, but if it was him not me she's go having a meltdown all the way and would need to be physically dragged off of him to leave (which school wouldn't do). She will come with me happily. Because I've always done drop offs and pick ups as he's at work.

There is no point in DH starting the routine with him taking her to school etc when it's likely that he'll be back in the office full time again by the summer. Same for most of her routines. Her visual timetabling, I do for example, every day. I can spot her triggers a million miles away and work quickly to regulate her and help. He often doesn't see things coming until too it's too late and she's at the point of no return then.

He works hard to provide for us all I would never say he doesn't but that does mean that automatically the majority of the care falls to me. He can't work full time and be anywhere near as an effective carer to our child as I am. It's impossible.

There are different types of special needs diagnoses, not all children react the same or need the same type of parenting. Some are very hands on, others aren't. Which is why many posters here have offered different views.

From what you've now described, it seems your child does indeed require extreme hands on parenting. So have you tried explaining to your husband why specifically you can't go away and why you need him around to support? With concrete examples and being honest about your needs, rather than framing it as him being selfish and inconsiderate.

You've admitted you're the full time carer while he goes to work. That you've never left the children solely in his care particularly overnight. So how exactly is he supposed to know just how much it takes from you, if you don't actually tell him/show him/leave him to deal with it. If you've never left him up deal with it alone, he isn't just going to realise how much effort it is.

He is human too, with his own stresses and worries. So accusing him of being selfish, horrible, whatever it is, is only going to make him feel upset and defensive. Just because you're married doesn't mean he can read your mind or understand exactly the toll this is taking, because it is not his experience with your DC. So just talk to him, without being accusing, explain why you need him around, why you can't take days off and why this is a 2 parent job. You're much more likely to get him wanting to help you then and not go, because he does love you, and your children. He isn't going on this trip to spite you or be malicious, he's going because he thinks you'll manage fine without him as you've always done and never complained before.

Just be honest, and have a conversation that comes from a place of sharing your burdens with him, and being a team. Rather than making it you vs him.

It's clear that many posters have not patented a child with a disability.

YANBU op. I'd be dismayed if my DH suggested this in your situation. You're in the trenches, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job, but it's a partnership.

Him going (for relaxation/fun) will come at the cost of your energy/time/relaxation. He's paying for his free time with yours, and that's crap because it's in short supply.

op thank you for that detailed response and it makes total sense to me now. You’re “job” is her carer as well as her mum. I get that now a lot better. You sound like an amazing mum.

DH is being very selfish.

I think he is being utterly unreasonable to suggest this and it is a huge indicator of how selfish and uninvolved he is for him to even consider this.

You write that he does a bit but if he is absent as much as he is, it is apparent that he does very little.

Getting a weekend away every three months is a huge amount too.

Very selfish.

I think it must be endless being the active parent of a disabled child, so the it’s not fair would have me incandescent. it’s not fair? Did you say it’s not fair?? ITS NOT FAIR???
Honestly I’d probably get him to do a school drop off when school goes back. Not a series of them if it’s distressing for dd, but 1. And things like that. And if he says it was hard I’d be all someone who is supposed to love me told me recently ITS NOT FAIR I don’t want them to go to Vegas for a week because I can go away anytime I like.