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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister’s Wedding

217 replies

AKAotherwise · 23/02/2021 02:49

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3.

Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions.
She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’.
When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.
My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.
Would you be happy?

OP posts:

wellthatsunusual · 23/02/2021 02:59

I think it's normal that she referred to your dad as her step dad, as that's what he is. She is clearly keen to feel some sort of connection with her father's family. It's not an attack on you or your dad. If you grew up with both parents whilst she grew up with one parent and a step parent, it's normal that she might not view things quite as fondly as you do, even if your dad was good to her and was generally a positive presence in her life.

JustLyra · 23/02/2021 03:10

Introducing your Dad as her step-dad is understandable because that’s who he is.

Also why should she be closer to you than her other half-sister? Why would you remotely be upset about her having a good relationship with her other sister?

It’s her wedding and her Dad is dead so can’t give her away. Think about that for a second will you - imagine if you couldn’t have your dad...

Her uncle sounds like he made the effort to stay in her life and he probably reminds her of her Dad.

starrynight21 · 23/02/2021 03:26

You seem to have some ideas of what people's relationships "should be". You are wasting emotional energy on issues which don't make any sense. Why "should" she be closer to you than her half-sister ? Relationships don't have rules like that about who should be closer to who.

If she calls your father her "step father" that's OK, after all he IS her step father and nothing will change that. And if she wants to walk down the aisle with her uncle then so be it. He sounds like a nice man , she wants to include him.

I'd suggest putting your indignation away, and just wishing her well on her wedding day instead of finding fault with her very personal choices .

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2021 04:56

I don't think that you or your Mother are acknowledging the pain she's been through because her dad let her down and then without resolving anything with him, he died. She's had a turbulent time. She wants her wedding to include blood relatives, that's her right. Your Father is her Stepfather, so that's what she introduces him as. It's interesting how you described her Uncle, "her late Father's Brother", you seem to want to pick her family for her. She was thrown into a situation, as all children of Mother's who go on to marry and have more children are. Your Mother picked your Dad, not her. He's your Dad, not hers, she wants a connection with her Dad via her Uncle.

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2021 04:58

Also try to avoid putting your Mum in the middle. Your Mum should speak to her privately and it's fine for what's said to stay between them. Even more so if it helps your Mum see both sides. She shouldn't miss her daughter's wedding. If you want to put a nail in that coffin, that's upto you.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 23/02/2021 05:39

When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.

What does this line mean? Did she get an inheritance from the uncle she’s chosen to walk her down the aisle?

Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.

What does this line mean? What does your dad’s cousin have to do with anything?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2021 06:10

Has it not occurred to you that perhaps your dsis understands your family’s side of her family gives her unconditional love and support. But that she needs or at least is seeking support and approval from her father’s side? I would think she’s doing this because she wants to keep the connection with her dad’s side of the family. You got to live with your dad all your life. She got a loving stepdad but she also got a shitty father, who loved alcohol / drugs more than her and is now dead. Unless there is some kind of massive backstory, where she’s said she wants nothing to do with you all, please go on supporting your sister. And no, she shouldn’t be expected to have her step cousin as a bm. No one should be expected to do that.

LizzieBirmingham · 23/02/2021 07:21

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. She clearly has a complicated family background and is trying to find ways of including people from both sides of her family on an important day for her. It’s not really anything to do with you, and you’re being quite unfair to be upset that she isn’t choosing to do things the way you think is right. There’s no right or wrong answer - its just a matter of what feels appropriate to her.

Aprilx · 23/02/2021 07:25

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart

When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.

What does this line mean? Did she get an inheritance from the uncle she’s chosen to walk her down the aisle?

Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.

What does this line mean? What does your dad’s cousin have to do with anything?

I cannot get past that first sentence either. It makes no sense whatsoever.

custardbear · 23/02/2021 07:32

I wonder if your half sister has many feelings she needs to house due to her own father dying. Your dad can't be just a replacement, some people may find this is possible for them, but your sister has her own thoughts and feelings and need for family to be surrounding her at this special time for her

She may have had a crappy dad but that doesn't negate that side of her family

I think above all she needs a mum, and half sister that support her and her needs rather than lining up who you think she needs to do what on her most special day

Support her

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/02/2021 07:33

Would I be happy that my sister was in contact with her troubled and deceased father's family?

Yes, I would!

Would I have a moment of hurt over her choice? Probably. But then I'd remember it's her wedding, her life and her family. She has a family situation that I don't have and I would remind myself of that, at every opportunity.

You seem to be feeling a little bit left out of her family. Try to empathise, this might be how she has felt for most of her life. She is making the best of it, you should too!

You and your parents need to take a step back. And stop with the pity party before she realises you resent her choices, her having another family.

BramStoker · 23/02/2021 07:39

Please be supportive of her decisions as I'm sure she has put lots of thought into making them

I imagine that it is important to her to keep a link with her late father by involving his family in her wedding

You don't have to understand her reasons just respect them

It sounds like your Mum would prefer to sweep history under the carpet and have your sister behave like her step Dad is her father but he is not. That doesn't mean she doesn't love or respect him though.

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2021 07:41

It’s her wedding so it’s her choice who she wants to walk her down the aisle.

FoolsAssassin · 23/02/2021 07:42

Yes I would be happy. She’s obviously had a difficult time with her Dad and I think it’s good that her Uncle is involved. I’m not clear on the inheritance bit but it sounds like he has contributed financially to her goimg to university and been involved in her life. He shouldn’t be judged because of his brother, mine is a complete arsehole.

I don’t see why she would have your Dad’s cousin as a bridesmaid, her cousin is a much closer family link. Also I think it is good she is close to her other half sister.

If I were you and your Mum I would be pleased that she has managed to move on from the shit hand she was dealt with her Dad and made the most of the situation and would be fully supportive, not upset. Yiu are risking making her feel alienated and pushing her closer to her Dad’s side of the family I feel reading this.

Teardrop2021 · 23/02/2021 07:44

She has a right to have a part of her father family involved in her wedding..tbh its nothing to do with you.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 23/02/2021 07:49

You can't sleep because your half-sister wants her close male relative to walk her down the aisle, and hasn't chosen her stepfather cousin to be her bridesmaid?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 23/02/2021 07:51

There should be an apostrophe in there, I'm not implying her stepfather is her cousin.

Lollypop701 · 23/02/2021 07:54

So the man who has brought her up since she was 3 isn’t walking her down the isle, vs the uncle who showed up at Christmas sent by his parents? I get that she wants to involve her dads family, and agree this could be to do with building stronger bonds. But that does not mean that she should exclude the family who brought her up, unless there is a massive back story we are unaware of. It’s a slap in the face IMO.

FilthyforFirth · 23/02/2021 07:55

Wow you sound hard work. You had a lovely life growing up with both parents around. Can you honestly not see how different, and hard, it was for your sister? Stop trying to control her.

Also, no idea what you are going on about re the inheritance and cousins...

AmelieTaylor · 23/02/2021 07:57

I understand where you're coming from. She's rejecting your Dad who has brought her up, as his own, since she was 3 and you her half sister that she grew up with.

Given how young she was when her father died snd she was still only 3 when your Dad started bringing her up, calling him step-Dad is unusual.

Do they have issues?

If she was so clearly rejecting me & my Dad I'd wonder what the hell was going on & why she felt this way & why she wanted to tell the whole world that your Dad hasn't been a good enough Dad to her, to walk her up the aisle.

It's her choice, but it reflects on you & your Dad, so I'd want to know what her problem is.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 23/02/2021 07:58

It’s not your decision - let your sister make her own choices, and you can do the same if/when you get married, if you haven’t already.

Trust me, planning a wedding is stressful enough without emotional blackmail and other people’s hurty feelings.

Jobsharenightmare · 23/02/2021 07:59

Even though your dad brought her up from three, she didn't necessarily see him as her dad (hence calling him step dad). But even if she did, she is entitled to ask someone she is biologically related to to walk her down the aisle. The back story here is that she's had a troubled life really and is obviously still young and working through it.

Sillysandy · 23/02/2021 08:02

Ah that's harsh on your dad, her stepfather but really coming to terms getting married without your own dad there (I'm speaking from experience) is very emotional. Try not to see it as a rejection of your dad but her bringing her own dad in. I urge you to support her on this. She possibly feels guilt over the sad life he had and her enjoying a family unit elsewhere. I think it's nice his brother will walk her down the aisle. Could you suggest to her that she puts a small photo of her dad in her bouquet too, that's what I am doing.

judgingcat · 23/02/2021 08:02

He is her step dad though and she's entitled to have who she wants at her own wedding. Personally I don't blame her as you're all causing needless issues on what should be a happy day. I'd pick the other side of the family too.

notanothertakeaway · 23/02/2021 08:09

I think this is more about reaching out to her father's family, not rejecting your dad. Family relationships and loss are complex. Better to support her decision. And accept that, however wonderful your dad is, her relationship with him is not the same as yours

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