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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister’s Wedding

217 replies

AKAotherwise · 23/02/2021 02:49

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3.

Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions.
She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’.
When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.
My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.
Would you be happy?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 23/02/2021 16:35

So, she wants a blood relative – her uncle, who supported her through university to walk her down the aisle?
Your father is her step father
She wants one half sister and a cousin to be a bridesmaid, but hasn’t asked you or your dad’s cousin?
And you and your parents are refusing to go to her wedding because of this?

The only hurtful thing I can see from this is her asking one half sister and not you. I don’t understand why the others are an issue for you.

RelaisBlu · 23/02/2021 16:52

I would imagine her uncle feels like her closest link to her Dad, so it's the best way she can feel he is there with her on her wedding day.

Try to be understanding about why that would matter to her

Andylion · 23/02/2021 16:54

While I think it's extreme that the OP is considering not going to her sister's wedding, those that are saying it's none of her business are being harsh.

As one PP has said, it is unusual that the sister refers to the man who has raised from the age of three, as her step-dad. I also think the OP meant that she had been raised in the same house as the bride, unlike the other sibling, and assumed they were closer for that reason.

Obviously, these choices, bridesmaid, who walks her down the aisle, are the bride's to make, but I understand the OP's hurt.

JustLyra · 23/02/2021 17:04

@Andylion

While I think it's extreme that the OP is considering not going to her sister's wedding, those that are saying it's none of her business are being harsh.

As one PP has said, it is unusual that the sister refers to the man who has raised from the age of three, as her step-dad. I also think the OP meant that she had been raised in the same house as the bride, unlike the other sibling, and assumed they were closer for that reason.

Obviously, these choices, bridesmaid, who walks her down the aisle, are the bride's to make, but I understand the OP's hurt.

It’s not remotely unusual to refer to her step-dad as such, even though he lived with her from 3, as that’s who he is. Especially when we have no idea of their relationship beyond “they got on”.

The comment about the half-sister also being a bridesmaid says a lot. It shows that the OP doesn’t think her sister’s father’s family should feature in the wedding and totally disregards the fact they are her family. That’s something the Op has probably got from her mother and father. It’s very telling

Figgyboa · 23/02/2021 18:11

Your post makes you sound very young and immature, are you OP.
Your sister is allowed to have whomever she wants to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. To be so upset your can't sleep is ridiculous.
Your dad isn't her father, it's her step-father, there is nothing wrong with her introducing him as such.
Maybe is better if you don't go to her wedding if this is what you think. She deserves better.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/02/2021 18:15

He is her step parent so she is using the correct title.

I see nothing wrong in wanting her family involved in her wedding. Children have no say in step parents, they have to live in the circumstances the adults choose.

TurquoiseDragon · 23/02/2021 18:54

The comment about the half-sister also being a bridesmaid says a lot. It shows that the OP doesn’t think her sister’s father’s family should feature in the wedding and totally disregards the fact they are her family. That’s something the Op has probably got from her mother and father. It’s very telling

I think this sums it up for me. I agree it's very telling that OP's criticisms are all focused on her sister's choice of having her dad's family involved.

OP, I invite you to be really, really honest here. Can you honestly say that there have been no attempts to airbrush your sister's dad's family out of the picture? How much of your sister's dad's family's sporadic contact was their choice, and how much was it down to your parents pushing it away?

Your choice of language when writing about your sister is revealing more than you think. You say your sister and your dad "get on", which doesn't sound like the best of relationships to me. Did your dad assume he would automatically be walking her down the aisle? Just because he's step dad?

You've been lucky by being able to grow up with both parents, and now you are getting upset because your sister isn't doing what you think she should be doing.

Maybe you should talk to your sister, without judgement, and really see how growing up in your household was for her. You might be surprised at what you hear.

Original poster
AKAotherwise · 23/02/2021 19:21

Genuinely grateful for responses. I will totally go to this wedding but I cannot believe that a man she has known for 3 decades and has raised her and treated her as his own since she was three years old has been dismissed like this.

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 23/02/2021 19:22

Have you taken in any of what has been said here?

wellthatsunusual · 23/02/2021 19:23

He hasn't been dismissed. Unless I've misunderstood and he's not invited to the wedding?

JustLyra · 23/02/2021 19:23

@AKAotherwise

Genuinely grateful for responses. I will totally go to this wedding but I cannot believe that a man she has known for 3 decades and has raised her and treated her as his own since she was three years old has been dismissed like this.
He hasn’t been dismissed at all, unless he’s not invited?

He’s not her Dad. He’s your Dad.

You, luckily for you, do not understand the difference because your Dad isn’t dead.

IndecentFeminist · 23/02/2021 19:24

Why would your dad's cousin be involved? That's seriously tenuous.

JustLyra · 23/02/2021 19:26

@IndecentFeminist

Why would your dad's cousin be involved? That's seriously tenuous.
I’m assuming the OP means her cousin from her Dad’s side as she mentions the Bride having her cousin.

I think it’s just another example of the Op showing that she doesn’t think her sister should be closer to her own father’s family than her step-father’s family, yet if her half-sister, cousin and uncle are all in the bridal party it suggests she is close to them...

ChocOrange1 · 23/02/2021 19:33

So she asked her cousin and sister to be bridesmaids, but didn't ask her step sister and step cousin? That does seem a bit strange but if they're on a tight budget and can only afford 2 bridesmaids then its not unreasonable. Or maybe she is just closer to them. I had one cousin as my bridesmaid, but not the other because we have a big age gap and aren't close.

I think you're taking things personally which aren't personal, OP. Presumably you and your dad are invited to the wedding, just not doing the specific job of walking down the aisle. Maybe your Dad could ask whether he could do a reading or something, but be prepared she might say no.
Do you know if they're planning to have a FOTB speech?

JustLyra · 23/02/2021 19:36

@ChocOrange1 She said that other her half sister was “also” a bridesmaids so presumably the OP, also her half-sister is.

So she’s having her two half sisters and her cousin. She’s not having the OP’s cousin. Not that strange really.

JustLyra · 23/02/2021 19:43

No idea how the first sentence there got so butchered. Apologies.

The OP stated that her sister’s half-sister is “also” a bridesmaid so presumably the OP is one too.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 23/02/2021 19:44

It is possible that your experience of growing up in a happy family unit wasn't exactly the same as her experience. Your dad might be wonderful, but it might also be that he didn't love her quite as much as he loved you and she felt that difference. I don't know and you can't really know that either.
Roots are really important for people - it's the reason why babies born from sperm donation are allowed to find out the identity of their biological parent when they grow up and why openness when children are adopted is encouraged. Maybe you can't see it because for you, your roots are part of your everyday life.
For your sister half of her DNA is a bit of a mystery - she will never really know her dad and so it's important that she feels connected to her family on that side.
I do understand that you might feel jealous of her other sister or left out or hurt. But she is still your sister too. Try to understand that she has needs that your dad cannot meet,even if he's wonderful.

custardbear · 23/02/2021 19:55

Is he not invited to the wedding OP? Otherwise he has t been dismissed at all, you never know he may have been considered but a different, relevant option chosen , and that's fine, her choice. You chose your own dad for your wedding

Pukkatea · 23/02/2021 20:00

You are so privileged to have grown up with both of your parents and need to realise that. You can't understand her feelings.

ChristOnAPeloton · 23/02/2021 20:02

He hasn’t been dismissed from the wedding for starters.

TBH it doesn’t really matter whether you can believe or understand her reasons for the choices she made. It’s her big day when all’s said and done. The fact you (and your Mum) seem to think she should be using it as a public opportunity to show how grateful she is to your Dad and his family for “treating her like one of his own” is quite telling as to how much of one of the family she might have been made to feel growing up.

bluebeck · 23/02/2021 20:04

YABVVU

Chimoia · 23/02/2021 20:04

He hasn't been dismissed. She could have chosen all sorts of people or no one at all. I hope he is being graceful about it, it's rather graceless of anyone to complain. I hope you all reflect and put her first for her marriage.

ghostyslovesheets · 23/02/2021 20:06

Poor bride - sounds like you have decided to get all riled up on his behalf - it's NOT YOUR FIGHT it's between her and him

maybe she feels you have always treated her differently and not been very nice to her - like you are doing now.

It's no doubt sad for him but my god you are over the top!

Biancadelrioisback · 23/02/2021 20:07

OP are you married? Have you planned a wedding before?
It's a fucking nightmare trying to keep everyone happy and that if without adding in families with step parents/siblings, half siblings etc.

A wedding should be about the union of the bride and groom. Obviously you can decide to go and celebrate with them if you want but you do not get to tell them what to do or complain if things aren't going the way you want.

There are people right now who are having to trim their entire guest list down to 30 people knowing fine well that they'll end up offending someone by revoking an invitation.

Honestly if you can't just be happy for the couple then don't go, they're better off without you and your negativity.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/02/2021 20:10

Very easy to look at a situation from your own point of view. Many children don’t have the same view of a relationship that the parents or half siblings do.

She shouldn’t have to choose someone unrelated to her to play an important role in her wedding just because her parent chose to be in a relationship with them.