Sister’s Wedding

[AKAotherwise]

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3.

Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions.
She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’.
When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.
My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.
Would you be happy?

Wow. Just wow. There’s a lot of self centred stuff posted on here but this is just another level. You need to be thankful that you will never be in your sisters position, and grateful that you have both parents.
She doesn’t have to be grateful for you or your dad. It was his choice to become her stepfather not hers.
She has not dismissed him in the slightest.

My friend had a difficult relationship with her dad and a great one with her stepdad. Her dad was very well-off and financially generous - and loved to make a big show of this - but wasn’t up to much on the hands-on parenting side.

When she planned to get married, he insisted on paying for a big expensive venue. She was worried about who would give her away - knowing she would upset one of her ‘dads’ - so compromised by asking her mum to do it. Her dad went nuts. No WAY was he paying for a big wedding if he didn’t get to walk her down the aisle. It was happening with him or it wasn’t happening at all.

She told him she wasn’t being dictated to and would pay for her own wedding. He hadn’t expected it for a minute - but she followed it through, he didn’t go and they haven’t spoken since.

Attempting to dictate choices in these circumstances is a very dangerous game.

I know it is difficult at the moment, but do get a life when the chance permits. Can't sleep? so upset? Jesus.

what a stupid fuss over a two minute parade. May this be the worst thing that happens to you.

If it is an issue about your dad, surely as an adult he could have talked to her? Why ae you so worked up?

He hasn't been dismissed. He's invited. You all seem to think that you can just replace her dad with your dad, her paternal family with yours. That's not how it works. Whatever you've been told by your mum and dad about her dad, he's her dad, and he died when she was young, she wants to stay connected to him, not replace him.

From what I understand she has her sisters and her cousin as bridesmaids. She didn't choose your cousin, who isn't her cousin. Will you be having her cousin as a bridesmaid?

It's almost as though you all think she should be grateful to her stepdad for... what... not making her live in the cupboard under the stairs?

I had a similar scenario where my stepdad thought he was better than my dad. My dad wasn't great. My step dad was shit. I walked myself down the aisle. It was still a battle explaining that he wouldn't be dressed as the fathers were because he wasn't a father of the bride or groom. People really do over estimate themselves and their loved ones.

I think it is fine to feel hurt for your Dad. I imagine you feel sad that she doesn't view him the same way you do. However, as everyone has said, it is her choice to make and now you know how she really feels.

Your dad can get to walk you down the aisle maybe one day.
Who she chooses has to be her choice and maybe she is close to her uncle as well.

Your sister's wedding is about her and her partner and what they want. It isn't about your dad. He hasn't been dismissed - my own father didn't walk me down the aisle because it wasn't what I wanted, someone else walked with me. Does that mean my dad wasn't included as an important part of the wedding party and day? No.

Is your dad actually upset by this, or is the upset coming from you and your mum? Sounds like your Dad may well have other chances to walk his children down aisles if they so choose, why does your sister have to be the one to put him in this role if it's not her first choice? Honestly, if family members were going to get up in arms about the roles they wanted to have at my wedding, I wouldn't have bothered to get married at all. Let your sister make her choices, and focus on enjoying the day and the union.

Your poor sister.

I hope she has a lovely wedding and you don’t spoil it for her.

The time for your dad to shine is at your wedding. This is hers. Hers.

YABVU. It’s her day, not yours or anyone else’s. Please accept her decision and don’t ruin this for her.

I don't think the OP will be back and even if she is I don't think she's interested in learning anything from this thread.

I agree. She had clearly made up her mind and was assuming everyone would agree. That’s why her one brief reply didn’t cover anything anyone else had raised.

I think I posted in order to vent my upset. My sister has never been the cuckoo in the nest and is a full and complete member of our family. She received an inheritance from our grandfather like all of the cousins and was a bridesmaid at my aunt’s wedding.
My dad has been Dad to her since she was three.
Her real dad was never ‘airbrushed’ out and I think the fact she has a relationship with his family proves this.
Of course she has a right to invite who she likes to her wedding and her uncles, aunts and cousins should be there but not to ask ‘our’ dad to walk her up the aisle is a kick in the teeth for him and our mum is devastated.
It’s made me question everything.
I didn’t want to go to the wedding but that was an emotional response. She hasn’t spoken to me about anything and doesn’t know my feelings.
I am married myself with children and know the stresses of arranging a wedding. Someone asked if I had invited her cousins . Of course I didn’t as I have never met them but she grew up with ‘my’ cousins.
As far as I am concerned she is my real sister and my dad is our dad who is heartbroken. This is not taking away anything from a bond she had with her real dad. No one ever suggested that she should be grateful for my dad ‘taking her on’ it was a complete non issue.
I totally accept what people have said and wasn’t just looking for people to agree but I remain really upset but we will all go and paint smiles on our faces.

@AKAotherwise

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3. Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions. She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’. When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person. My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin. Would you be happy?

She might not have seen your childhood the same way you did and she may have Felt an outsider in your family

Although even you say my parent not our parents so maybe you did see it similar.

My dad has been Dad to her since she was three.

@AKAotherwise This is the bit you’re not grasping.

He hasn’t been Dad to get since she was three. He’s been step-dad to her since she was three. There is a difference for her.

She’s never called him Dad and has always referred to him as her step-dad which means she’s never felt like he was her Dad. Because she had a Dad.

It’s quite sad for her really that you’ve all been making assumptions all these years when she’s been very clear and has maintained the obviously strong link with her Dad through his family.

It’s also very sad that the relationship she has with your Dad is seen now as such a lesser thing by you because it’s really not.

I can understand being a little sad but not hurt. What if your sister had asked your mum instead? Would it still be a problem. It was her own dads job to walk her down the aisle. She had to pick someone else to take his place. Do you not think she maybe feels like she just wants to keep a bit of her biological dad in the wedding this way by having his own brother do the honour?

I'm sorry OP but you're seriously blinkered here. Stop looking at her life through your own lens, she obviously had different relationships and views to you, ITS HER CHOICE
Don't paint a smile on, bloody smile for her like I'm sure she does for you. Just because grandad have her inheritance this doesn't buy your sister away from the other side of her family

@AKAotherwise

I think I posted in order to vent my upset. My sister has never been the cuckoo in the nest and is a full and complete member of our family. She received an inheritance from our grandfather like all of the cousins and was a bridesmaid at my aunt’s wedding. My dad has been Dad to her since she was three. Her real dad was never ‘airbrushed’ out and I think the fact she has a relationship with his family proves this. Of course she has a right to invite who she likes to her wedding and her uncles, aunts and cousins should be there but not to ask ‘our’ dad to walk her up the aisle is a kick in the teeth for him and our mum is devastated. It’s made me question everything. I didn’t want to go to the wedding but that was an emotional response. She hasn’t spoken to me about anything and doesn’t know my feelings. I am married myself with children and know the stresses of arranging a wedding. Someone asked if I had invited her cousins . Of course I didn’t as I have never met them but she grew up with ‘my’ cousins. As far as I am concerned she is my real sister and my dad is our dad who is heartbroken. This is not taking away anything from a bond she had with her real dad. No one ever suggested that she should be grateful for my dad ‘taking her on’ it was a complete non issue. I totally accept what people have said and wasn’t just looking for people to agree but I remain really upset but we will all go and paint smiles on our faces.

You shouldn't have to paint a smile on your face. If your sister getting married doesn't make you genuinely smile then have a word with yourself.

I agree it’s selfish, but some brides let the wedding prep go to their heads. There is every chance that afterwards she’ll end up regretting leaving your dad out but it’s her mistake to make. All you can do really is decide whether this is the hill your relationship dies on.

Also it’s not a given that just because she chose her dead dad’s family to have ‘main parts’ at the wedding that she’ll want anything to do with them later and if they aren’t close there may even be a fall out. All you can do is be there for her if you want to be.

not to ask ‘our’ dad to walk her up the aisle is a kick in the teeth for him and our mum is devastated. Then they need to have a rethink. That they have helped her maintain a relationship with her dad's family is all to ther credit. That she can include them in her wedding is down th your mum and dad having facilitated that contact. They should be proud of her managing to accommodate everyone!

It’s made me question everything. And you need to think long and hard on that. Why has it? Has it made it clear to you that you are not the same 'daughter' in the family? That's probably how she has felt for the whole of life. She's shattered your cozy family view. But that is yours to deal with, not hers.

As far as I am concerned she is my real sister and my dad is our dad who is heartbroken. Of course she's yourreal sister. Who hasbeen feeding you that overly emotional crap? Lok arond, where is the emotional blackmail coning from?

This is not taking away anything from a bond she had with her real dad. No one ever suggested that she should be grateful for my dad ‘taking her on’ it was a complete non issue. Except it is a BIG issue now! WHy is that do you think?

I remain really upset but we will all go and paint smiles on our faces. Please don't. If you do go be genuinely happy for her. Don't ruin her day by being all starined and overly polite! That's just nasty!

And YOU will regret it!

Could you gently suggest that both her uncle & your dad walk her down the aisle? Dress it up by saying it would be a nice gesture from her to recognise the importance of both families in her life. I don't think it should be one or the other but a blend of both families. It's because of the influence of both families, she is who she is & her wedding would be a great time to celebrate it.

I agree it’s selfish

To have her own relative, the closest living relative to her dead father, give her away at her wedding? Bloody hell.

I think it is lovely way for your sister to include both of her families

I think you and your parents are blowing this way out of proportion. It’s a 2 min walk down the aisle. She’s not disowning your family.

You’ve had the benefit of growing up in a loving stable home - with your mum & dad a constant in your life, even if you’ve had your ups & downs.

She has not. She lost her father in heartbreaking circumstances before she was old enough to form any real relationship. Her father being an alcoholic was not her fault. She’s suffered a very real and very emotionally confusing loss there.

Can you stop for a moment, look at your own kids, and imagine it would affect them if your husband suddenly vanished? They would still feel it in 20/30 years time, but presumably only god memories to look back on.

Your dad has obviously been a wonderful step father to her, massive credit to him, but that doesn’t stop the hurt and desire to connect with whatever little part of her father she still has left. Cut her some slack, and get some perspective.

Apologies for typos!