Sister’s Wedding

[AKAotherwise]

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3.

Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions.
She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’.
When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.
My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.
Would you be happy?

I can see it is hurtful and a snub to your dad and you. It sounds like she might have some complex feelings around it all. This could be a way of strengthening ties with her birth family or dealing with the hurt of not growing up with her biological dad.

I think you should still go to the wedding. I think there could possibly be a conversation (maybe from your mum) about ways to include your 'side' of the family, but it would need to be done sensitively and might blow up.

What exactly is it that has upset you so much?
What are her intentions here?
Is she using the wedding purely as a vehicle to intentionally snub and humiliate your dad in public?
Is she being disrespectful by refusing to follow an obligation placed on her at 3 years old.
Is she using the wedding to send a public message to your mum that she didn't choose a good enough bloke.
Can you see how dramatic you and your mum are being.
I guess I have a different perspective because I adopted. Adopted kids are often expected to be grateful (by the public) so a lot of the training knocks that out of you. You have children for your own sake - not with random expectations of things they might do in return.
You seem to think that because her bio dad was a drug addict and she's known your dad since 3 that should wipe out her loyalty.
Well again - adopted kids retain a strong sense of identity linked to bio parents and you mess with that at your peril. You honour it, acknowledge it and talk about them (unless v specific circs). Otherwise it gives them severe identity problems.
Your life seems very black and white. Terrible uncle only popping in occasionally. Or uncle who felt that less disturbance to the family unit the better, was he welcomed on those visits or did he keep coming back in the face of barbed comments about drug addict brother?
Why can't your sister celebrate both sides of her family, both sides of her heritage? A wedding is so linked to a sense of history, family. To cut one side out seems mean.
You've got your bio mum and dad. You've never had to deal with the emotional angst she has. So stop with the tears and celebrate her wedding how she wants.

It's her wedding and you're making it all about you.

If you love her, be happy for her and support her. If you don't, once you have the date, make a polite excuse not to go.

All this drama touches a nerve for me. My dad died when I was very young. My step dad insisted he was my dad and created all sorts of drama and pressure I couldn't handle to force me into the daughter role. It was awful and ruined our relationship. I'm not saying your family was anything like that, but you're risking souring it in the same way.

A wedding is a time of reflection. It's likely tinged with sadness that her dad never came good and was able to be there for her. Her uncle was there for her. Its the next best thing and sounds like that helps her heal a hole in her heart.

I'm sure your dad's love and support since she was 3 means the world to her. Maybe she has something special in mind for him. Maybe she takes him for granted - if so that's a good thing that she can trust he's always going to be there for her and loves her unconditionally. He has every right to feel a little bit hurt, put on a brave face and get on with celebrating and being happy for her.

You and your Mum have nothing to be hurt or upset about and need to have a stern word with yourselves before you hurt your sister who has done nothing wrong.

100% absolutely NONE of your business!!
If you were my sister said any of this to my face, I would never forgive you.
It’s her wedding and it’s her choice to have her father’s brother walk her down the aisle. Maybe she chose him over her step-dad because they share DNA?
I would tread very, very carefully here @AKAotherwise and keep your nose and opinions to yourself!

I don't really understand the inheritance but.
But it's her wedding and she can't have her dad walk her down the aisle, there are lots of emotions from that alone, before you include the stepdad which could also make more emotions, such as not wanting him to "replace" her dad.

You need to support her not get upset at her choices.

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with referring to her step-dad as her step-dad. It sounds like you haven't acknowledged the hole that losing a parent can leave in someone's life and so I'm not surprised she isn't as close to you.

Your family seems to be pressurising your sister to do what they want with little regard for what she wants. Asking her to pretend to have a different relationship with her stap-father than she actually does, just to make him, your mum and you feel better is really unhelpful IMHO. People need to accept her decisions and if they feel that it means their personal relationship with her is not as close as they want they can choose to work on that if they want. Yes I'd be happy that my sister was getting married and felt there was someone in her family she felt close enough to to ask to walk her down the aisle. Other than that it's not for me to 'feel happy' about the decisions she makes about her wedding day.

He’s your Dad- not hers. Why should she be made to pretend otherwise just so the rest of you can play happy families?

You say they “got on”. Meh. Could mean anything. I get on with lots of people. Doesn’t mean I’d choose them to walk me down the aisle.

I can understand her choice to include her family in her wedding. They may be on her late father's side but they are her family. How do you know her Uncle 'was sent' to see her? It reads as though you feel he didn't want to...maybe he loves his niece in his own right & was happy to have time with her. She clearly felt it was positive & you should be happy for her that she felt that as a little girl. Growing up without a parent can be hard for a little child, teenager. Just because your DM introduced your DF & created another family unit does not erase your DS's own father or his family. Her Uncle clearly supported her in college too....she has another family & is connected to them in a way you do not understand & wants to stay that way. I am sure your DF (her DSF) is a wonderful man & that she loves him & appreciates him...but she has all her life been her father's daughter whether he is living or deceased & has not forgotten about him. It is always so applauded when DSF's do the 'giving away' thing like the ultimate celebration of a successful second/blended family. Are you feeling her choices are tarnishing the shine? Because they won't unless you let them. As a pp said it sounds like you & your DM are feeling some resentment because your family are not being given the status of her nuclear first family...but maybe this is how she has felt her whole life, a little but separate. Bereavement & loss are complex, she has experienced them so young. Be grateful that you have both your parents with you so far but you have not both had the same childhood experiences. I'm sure you love her no matter & she does you...you are sisters. But she has another family & she wants their involvement & support on her special day. And it should be one of her happiest too. Respect her choices, support her & start looking at things from her point of view.

Unless your father, her step father, is paying for the wedding, I don’t think she has a moral obligation to have him walk her down the aisle.

If your half sister is choosing a member of her own father’s family to walk her down the aisle as an acknowledgement of her father’s family, her father’s brother standing in for his deceased brother, that is perfectly reasonable. Plus she’s had a connection to this uncle. You’re not in her shoes so you cannot understand what she feels, her connections to her father’s side of the family.

Shouldn’t your viewpoint really be that you’re happy for your half sister and support her marriage? Why make it about your feelings? The entire event is about her marriage to her soon to be husband. You’re invited to help celebrate that, not cause hard feelings for her.

Yes, of course you can have your own thoughts/feelings, but the wedding isn’t about that. It’s about her marriage and what is important specifically to her.

This is not to say she doesn’t care about your father. The two relationships are separate, not one or the other.

It’s pretty fucking horrible that you don’t want to go to your sister’s wedding because you’ve decided she’s doing her relationships wrong.

She might be better off with none of you there.

She's chosen her uncle over her stepdad, which is entirely fair, and you are being a big old drama llama and making it all about you.
Stop it, grow up and leave her be.

I don't see what your garbled sentence about inheritance or her stepdad's cousin has to do with anything?

You say 'our dad', but it sounds like he's your dad, and her step dad.

I think it's lovely to want to have that family connection, by asking her dad's brother to give her away. It's an acknowledgement of where she came from, and that she hasn't forgotten that.

I think that's lovely.

Would you be this upset if her father was still alive and able to walk get down the aisle himself?

Eurgh! None of your business stay out of it

Entirely her choice. She clearly sees your dad as her step dad, which is what he is. Just because you think he should replace her dad doesn't mean that's how she feels. She wants a connection to her dad, not a replacement.

Maybe she is closer to her uncle than you're aware of; if she is old enough to be getting married than I imagine she is old enough to communicate with people without you chaperoning it?

Also, maybe she is aware that her stepdad - your dad- may well walk you down the aisle one day, or perhaps already has. Maybe in that case she feels he's had that experience already and wants to afford such a special moment to someone else who is in her life.

You haven't mentioned if your dad (her step dad) is as offended as you seem to be?

Also, I don't understand the lines on the inheritance or cousin as others have mentioned, so I'm not sure of the relevance there.

She probably just feels emotional about her dad not being there and wants to honour him/feel like he is, it's not a snub.

Your poor sister. Weddings throw up all sorts of emotions especially when she has a complicated relationship with her dad's family. You should be supporting her, not acting like a spoilt child and only thinking of yourself.

So you want her to ignore her dad's family completely and not give them a role in the wedding? You're miffed that her actual cousin is a bridesmaid but her step dad's cousin isn't? Hugely unreasonable.

I can see why you’d feel hurt, because she is choosing an uncle over your dad.
But he isn’t HER dad.

She wants a link to that side of her family, which is a perfectly normal and reasonable. Don’t mistake her desire for her family connections with rejection of your family. It’s not about you, OP.

Does your family try and wipe her dad out of the picture?

I still get so annoyed when my mums husband refers to me as his daughter or himself as my dad. He isn't my dad, he married my mum, I have my own dad and no amount of them acting like he never existed will change that.

I can imagine that's how your sister feels, especially with comments about her dad being a drug addict and your dad bringing her up. I'm sure she still feels a sense of loyalty to her dad and misses him even if he wasn't a perfect father.

My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go.
You are this upset and don't want to attend your sister's wedding because of her choice as to who will walk her down the aisle?

It’s up to her though isn’t it?
Yes. It is her wedding. Her choice. And I'm not surprised she made it: your post is insane and if that's the sort of pressure she has always lived with, she must be bloody sick of it. Your dad sounds like a lovely man, but if he really is a lovely man he won't be taking offence and making a drama out of not being asked to walk his stepdaughter down the aisle. Surely he, and you, can see why she might want the other side of her family to be part of her life?

I can’t sleep I am so upset
That's ridiculous.

Her wedding and her choice who walks her down the aisle. She is probably very sad about the fact that her father died when she was so young and that she didn't have the chance to get to know him and that he won't be there on her wedding day. So choosing her uncle is likely her way of keeping a connection to her father on such a special day.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't love her step dad or care about him.

Would you have been so upset if she had asked her mother to walk her down the aisle instead?

She is also perfectly entitled to refer to her step Dad as her step dad instead of her dad. My half siblings love my mother very much but they still call her their step mother because that's what she is.

@OhCaptain

It’s pretty fucking horrible that you don’t want to go to your sister’s wedding because you’ve decided she’s doing her relationships wrong.

She might be better off with none of you there.

This!! You’re being so nasty!

Her uncle carried on seeing her when the rest of the family struggled. He looked after an inheritance for her. He is clearly a trusted member of her family. Why would you begrudge her that? I am genuinely a little gobsmacked at how self involved you all are.

I can't get over the grandparents refusing to see their granddaughter because their son died.