Sister’s Wedding

[AKAotherwise]

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3.

Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions.
She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’.
When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.
My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.
Would you be happy?

OP, you need to stop looking at your family through your lens. Her family experience from her perspective is going to be different to yours, and you seem unwilling to acknowledge that. This is why I suggested you sit down and talk with her.

I remain really upset but we will all go and paint smiles on our faces.

Nasty. Your poor sister, you can't even be genuinely happy for her?

@TurquoiseDragon

OP, you need to stop looking at your family through your lens. Her family experience from her perspective is going to be different to yours, and you seem unwilling to acknowledge that. This is why I suggested you sit down and talk with her.

The OP doesn’t seem interested in looking at anything from her sister’s perspective. We’ve heard how she’s hurt, her dad is hurt, her mum is hurt... even her cousin is hurt. Yet her sister’s feelings don’t get a mention.

As far as I am concerned she is my real sister and my dad is our dad who is heartbroken

But your dad is not her father and she is your half sister. You don't seem to care about how she feels, only about how you feel. I can't imagine this is something that just happened out of the blue, so your long term habit of rewriting her history to suit yourself has probably come to a head for her.

I am genuinely beginning to think she's better without you.
It's your sister's wedding. You smile because it's joyous. He had the chance to walk you down the aisle.

I get why her step dad is upset but it sounds like you're going way overboard with not being able to sleep and being devastated!

Ultimately it's about her getting married, not who you or anyone else thinks should walk her down the aisle 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP doesn’t seem interested in looking at anything from her sister’s perspective. We’ve heard how she’s hurt, her dad is hurt, her mum is hurt... even her cousin is hurt. Yet her sister’s feelings don’t get a mention.

Indeed.

I'd bet it's highly unlikely the OP's habit of describing herself as "sister" but relegating the other sister to "half-sister" or feeling like her cousin is more important than the bride's cousin is something that just comes from her. It's probably something the whole family do and it's so disrespectful.

3 years old is a really key part of a persons psychological development. There is no way your sister wasn’t utterly psychologically traumatised by the death of her father at that age. You don’t seem to understand that. She didn’t lose the man you describe as troubled and unreliable, she lost her daddy. She’s getting married and it’s bringing up all sorts of feelings around loss and grief, so she’s found a way to acknowledge that during her wedding day.

You don’t see it like that because you aren’t her.

You’ve said she doesn’t know how you feel but you don’t really seem to understand how she feels.

I understand your Mum and Dad's upset. My DH has been in my eldest daughter's life since she was 3, there's more to being a Dad than biology. Her bio Dad chose to lose contact with her as she got older and has always been emotionally abusive to me.

I could understand your sister's decision better if it was her actual bio father she'd chosen to walk her down the aisle but as he's passed away, choosing her Uncle over your Dad who's been so involved in her upbringing must be a blow.

Yes go but in your situation I'd be plastering on a smile, not showing my feelings but also leaving as soon as possible afterwards. She knows she's making a point, she knows how much this will hurt your Mum and how awkward the day will be for you all. Making that choice, she can't expect relations to be quite as easy in the future.

You're making this about you and your parents. You may consider your dad to be her dad and you to be her full sister because that's all you've ever known.

Your sister is the one who has another sibling, another father and another family. She is allowed maintain these relationship as she likes without the histrionics of you, your mother and your father been devastated.
Maybe she sees you all living and breathing and been part of her big day been enough and is having her uncle walk her down the aisle as a nod to her father.
I think it's very sad that the family she grew up with can't support and be happy for her without making it all about them.

@VeganCakes

I understand your Mum and Dad's upset. My DH has been in my eldest daughter's life since she was 3, there's more to being a Dad than biology. Her bio Dad chose to lose contact with her as she got older and has always been emotionally abusive to me.

I could understand your sister's decision better if it was her actual bio father she'd chosen to walk her down the aisle but as he's passed away, choosing her Uncle over your Dad who's been so involved in her upbringing must be a blow.

Yes go but in your situation I'd be plastering on a smile, not showing my feelings but also leaving as soon as possible afterwards. She knows she's making a point, she knows how much this will hurt your Mum and how awkward the day will be for you all. Making that choice, she can't expect relations to be quite as easy in the future.

No thought at all for the possibility that she is actually motivated by processing her own feelings about losing her father, then? I mean, I am a step parent and even I can see how this is in no way a snub, and actually a perfectly understandable, emotional right of passage for her in regards to her late father. Surely her family that love and care about her are supposed to care about helping her process that?

@AKAotherwise

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3. Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions. She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’. When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person. My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin. Would you be happy?

You've kind of got me about the dad, however....

You think your half sister should have her step father to walk her down the aisle and you, her half sister as a bridesmaid, but you have a problem with her half sister being a bridesmaid because you two grew up together? And you can't sleep and are so upset?

This is very ....weird. and self centred.

OP I do empathise with how you feel. However I have read your updates and the thing that comes through is that you care more about your own feelings and to some extent those of your dad, than you do about your (half) sister. It's her wedding. And I hope you don't share how you feel, I know what it's like to have some unsupportive family at my wedding and it's vile. You all need to put your big girl/boy panties on and realise that this isn't about you or a snub to your dad. It's about her, on her wedding day. You say you're married, you had your day.

I can see your sister’s point of view - my dad died before I got married. I had my uncle walk me down the aisle. It’s about representing her father and his side of the family. She may love her step dad and he may have been the best dad in the world, but if you/step dad/mum have your way, you are writing out her dads side of the family and making it all about your family and not hers.
Respect her choices and the representation of her dad. It’s absolutely not saying anything about her step dad.

No thought at all for the possibility that she is actually motivated by processing her own feelings about losing her father, then? I mean, I am a step parent and even I can see how this is in no way a snub, and actually a perfectly understandable, emotional right of passage for her in regards to her late father. Surely her family that love and care about her are supposed to care about helping her process that?

There are surely ways for her to process the loss of her father who died when she was so young she likely doesn't remember being with him without damaging her relationship with her mother who actually raised her and the man who's been a parental figure nearly her whole life. Instead of the uncle who turned up with presents and money for uni.

Look I'm non traditional when it comes to weddings, DH and I walked down the aisle together at our small one. Nowadays when most people live together and many have children together before marriage being given away by a parent is a bit daft to me! But I recognise how much it still means to many and the sister knows this is going to greatly upset her Mum and Step Dad. It is a snub. Guests will certainly be questioning why privately.

Nowhere does the Op say her Mum isn't happy about the Uncle and other relatives being at the wedding or that she blocked contact when they were growing up. Sounds like the opposite despite the fact it's fair to assume there's a difficult history between her and the late father with his addiction problems. The usual unfair cliches being trotted out on this thread about the mother's family obviously wanting to erase the father's memory.

Ultimately the sister will probably regret damaging her relationship with her Mum, Stepdad and the Op for a token act on one day which isn't going to heal any difficult emotions for her. Who are the ones she'd go to on a daily basis for emotional and practical support, childcare? Probably not the Uncle.

Who are the ones she'd go to on a daily basis for emotional and practical support, childcare? Probably not the Uncle.

How can you possibly say that?

The only thing we know from the OP about the relationship is that, despite him being around since she was 3, she has never called him Dad or even referred to him as Dad.

That says that her sister has never seen him as her dad which suggests to me it was never as rosy as the OP tries to paint.

Far more likely that the bride was way more the outside child than the OP has ever realised.

He hasn't been dad to her since she was three. She has a dad! Your dad didn't become her dad just because he started seeing her mum.
He has been step-dad to her.
Honestly I think you're all kinda out order for feeling this way. You dont know her dad, all you know is what your parents have told you. And now they're "devastated" that she hasn't chosen her mums husband over her dead dads closest relative. I'd be amazed if she hasn't picked up on this opinion of her dad and your dads superiority over the years.

Ultimately the sister will probably regret damaging her relationship with her Mum, Stepdad and the Op for a token act on one day which isn't going to heal any difficult emotions for her

If they choose to damage the relationship due to this, thats on them, not on the Bride. If they want to be dicks about them, nothing she can do

Op, I really sympathise with you.

While pp are right, I do feel you could do with a little more understanding.

The problem with immediate family relationships is that they are 'shared' in so many ways and so it does affect us emotionally when we realise that someone else - especially a sibling- doesn't see them in the same way. It can shake our sense of security within the family and leave us questioning whether the love we feel for people is reciprocated.

So, while I agree with pp, I think you're fully entitled to feel the way you do and the reaction both you and your mum have is completely valid - because in a family, we're all inter-affected by each other.

That said, of course the difficulty is in how you process the emotional shock and resolve your feelings.

It might well be that your sister is conscious her choices will have caused waves but not knowing how to deal with them, or being too scared to confront them, she may just be ignoring it. Does that sound like something she might do?

I can easily imagine her posting on MN worried out how her choices might affect her family. Of course, she'd be told to do what feels best for her and that's correct.

Its difficult to know why she's made her choice, if not impossible, based on your posts but perhaps she feels a sense of obligation to that side of her family. Perhaps also, she is trying to build and strengthen relationships with them. Maybe she even believes those relationships to be something they're not...Who knows, certainly not us or even you.

There's an old saying that a pair of siblings raised the same way will have had completely different experiences of their childhood and you don't have to look for on this site to see this borne out!

Your sister may well have been harbouring feelings for years that she has not felt able to share.

But, when it comes down to it, your mum, dad and you need to make peace with the rejection you feel.

I think you've done the right thing in choosing a safe, neutral place to say how you feel and get your hurt off your chest.

Try not to question things too much. I'm sure your sister loves you all - and undoubtedly knowing how much you are all devoted to her will be important to her. But she's clearly trying to show the family that she hasn't lived with how important they are to her too.

In getting married, she's also creating her family for the next phase of her life so I'd see her wedding as the way in which she's bringing other people in.

Love isn't restrictive, there's room for everyone. Try not to see this as a rejection of you but her way of embracing others and her way of honouring her dad and ensuring that he's with her on the day.

@VeganCakes Exactly - fathers giving away their daughters is an archaic and stupid tradition that people ONLY feel strongly about to this day because it is steeped in tradition. It's a time when, rightly or wrongly, people often think about their father's role in their life. This girl has grown up knowing her dad is dead and she will never get to know him. Yes it would be nice for her step dad if her strongest emotion at that time was the desire to show him she appreciates him stepping up, but the fact is her feelings about her loss may be stronger at that particular time that is traditionally shared with a person's biological father. A loving family would understand that and be there for her.

It is the people who think their feelings about their relationship to her should take precedence over her feelings about honouring her dead parent, that are spoiling the relationship between them. Not her.

I do think you're taking it too personally. If you're married presumably your dad walked you up the aisle and therefore he hasn't missed out on that experience?

It's a terribly old fashioned thing anyway - I really didn't want my dad to give me away but I knew what drama it would cause and so had to give in for a quiet life.

It's her wedding and she should have what she wants. Your mum needs to remember that while she might think your dad treated her the same - your DS may have felt differently.

@VeganCakes

No thought at all for the possibility that she is actually motivated by processing her own feelings about losing her father, then? I mean, I am a step parent and even I can see how this is in no way a snub, and actually a perfectly understandable, emotional right of passage for her in regards to her late father. Surely her family that love and care about her are supposed to care about helping her process that?

There are surely ways for her to process the loss of her father who died when she was so young she likely doesn't remember being with him without damaging her relationship with her mother who actually raised her and the man who's been a parental figure nearly her whole life. Instead of the uncle who turned up with presents and money for uni.

Look I'm non traditional when it comes to weddings, DH and I walked down the aisle together at our small one. Nowadays when most people live together and many have children together before marriage being given away by a parent is a bit daft to me! But I recognise how much it still means to many and the sister knows this is going to greatly upset her Mum and Step Dad. It is a snub. Guests will certainly be questioning why privately.

Nowhere does the Op say her Mum isn't happy about the Uncle and other relatives being at the wedding or that she blocked contact when they were growing up. Sounds like the opposite despite the fact it's fair to assume there's a difficult history between her and the late father with his addiction problems. The usual unfair cliches being trotted out on this thread about the mother's family obviously wanting to erase the father's memory.

Ultimately the sister will probably regret damaging her relationship with her Mum, Stepdad and the Op for a token act on one day which isn't going to heal any difficult emotions for her. Who are the ones she'd go to on a daily basis for emotional and practical support, childcare? Probably not the Uncle.

You are making an awful lot of assumptions here. The nature of AIBU - indeed, any anonymous forum - is that we only get one side of the story. But we usually at least get one first-person account, even if the others involved might tell a different story. Here, we’re only getting the OP’s description of someone else’s childhood and familial relationships - and even that could be second-hand. Does the comment about the uncle being ‘sent’ to see the sister sound like something a child would come up with on her own? Or does it sound more like the complaint of a (justifiably) bitter mother who was let down by the father of her child?

We also don’t know what the age gap is between the OP and her sister. Maybe her mother left her elder daughter’s father before she even gave birth and was pregnant again within six months. But maybe she was widowed when her daughter was three, and the OP didn’t come along until two or three years later? What age are your first clear memories from? My first memory is from when I was three, and I don’t have consistent memories of my life before the age of about five. If the OP is five years younger than her sister, her earliest memories of her could easily be as a ten year-old. That’s a lot of her sister’s life she could have missed. Maybe her dad’s family were much more involved in the early days? It would certainly explain why her stepdad was always her stepdad, not dad.

OP, I have three full siblings. We are close in age. We have the same parents. We grew up in the same house, in the same conditions.

We nonetheless have four completely different sets of relationships with our parents. I don’t get to dictate how my siblings relate to our parents.

When children lose a parent, they re-grieve that loss at every developmental stage that they pass through. Into adulthood. There's no "getting over it"...it's all about finding a way to reintegrate the loss into the newest stage of their life. Graduations, marriage, having their own children...the loss is always there under the surface. What could have been, might have been...

The OP doesn't state clearly (at any point) in their post when her sister's father died - just that her mum got together with the stepdad when she was 3 so we can't say for sure how long the father was in her life. Clearly, her sister has doesn't view these relationships the same way as everyone else in OP's family...that could be the starting point of a conversation if OP really wants to be a supportive and loving sister and not just an injured party by association.

Amen, Tureen...