Sister’s Wedding

[AKAotherwise]

My sister has chosen her late father’s brother to walk her down the aisle and not our dad who has brought her up since she was 3.

Her dad had addictions and died and she had only sporadic contact with his family. The uncle would turn up at Christmas and birthdays sent by the grandparents who were too upset to see her on these occasions.
She and my dad have got on but she always introduced him as ‘step’.
When she went to university there was an inheritance that was in the uncle’s name so he is clearly a moral person.
My parents and I are so upset and i just don’t want to go. It’s up to her though isn’t it? I can’t sleep I am so upset. Her other half-sister will also be a bridesmaid but I think we should be closer because of our mum and growing up together. Her cousin will be as well but not my dad’s cousin.
Would you be happy?

@StillCoughingandLaughing

If it's mum and stepdad who are the ones involved in her daily life and have met the groom's parents, this sort of sidelining for a never very present uncle will have people questioning her relationship with her step dad as they are on here.

So the bride should choose who her stepdad to walk her down the aisle to avoid gossip? Because that’s essentially what you’re suggesting.

The OP dismissed the other family relationship as Christmases and birthdays only, but given the sister is presumably older than the OP and the OP herself is married how could she possibly know the ins and outs of the relationships over their adult years?

Exactly. The OP would have been a small child when much of this was going on. How much of her view is actually informed by her mother? Comments about the uncle ‘being sent’ to see his niece - do they sound like the kind of thing a child would come up with on her own? Or perhaps it’s more like something she’d overheard her mother say to her father and has taken as gospel...

I mean the fact the grandparents had no interest in visiting is a whole other issue, it's possible the Mum was trying to mitigate the hurt by suggesting they were too upset, it was too emotionally difficult for them and that's why the uncle was visiting instead. Just a thought. And in my experience, kids can be more astute than adults when it comes to this kind of situation, telling it like it is with brutal honesty.

The age old 'yeah this is definitely a bitter mother and a stepdad who couldn't give a shit' cliches being trotted out on this thread...

Exactly. The OP would have been a small child when much of this was going on. How much of her view is actually informed by her mother? Comments about the uncle ‘being sent’ to see his niece - do they sound like the kind of thing a child would come up with on her own? Or perhaps it’s more like something she’d overheard her mother say to her father and has taken as gospel...

Exactly. The OP likely has no idea of her sister's relationship. The fact she insists she is a sister and the other sister is very much to be a "half sister" is quite telling.

The age old 'yeah this is definitely a bitter mother and a stepdad who couldn't give a shit' cliches being trotted out on this thread...

Not one single person has suggested the stepdad doesn't give a shit. Just said that she's entitled to view him as her step-dad rather than her dad because that's exactly what he is.

Even if they were the closed step-dad and step-daughter in the world her wedding and her father being missing was always going to be a huge thing and the OP seems to have absolutely zero shits to give about her sister.

The age old 'yeah this is definitely a bitter mother and a stepdad who couldn't give a shit' cliches being trotted out on this thread...

It’s ironic that you accuse others of ‘trotting out’ cliches, when this is the second time you’ve made this comment - and on what basis? You don’t know any more than we do about this situation. Maybe the OP’s mother island her husband are indeed saints, being terribly let down by an ungrateful cow of a daughter. But isn’t it more likely that the bride is just someone who gets on perfectly well with her stepdad, but wants a connection to her biological dad on her wedding day?

Even the OP, who is essentially trying to convince us that her sister has dramatically snubbed the man who raised her, admits that she’s always called him her stepdad, and describes them as having ‘always got on’. It hardly paints a picture of a close relationship. If the OP’s sister had always adored her stepdad and was now suddenly ditching him, that would be different. But it doesn’t sound like that based on what the OP has told us - and she’s the one who wants to talk up the relationship.

Why does it have to be as extreme as him either being a superstar stepdad or not giving a shit? A convivial, but not super-close relationship is actually fine.

Exactly @JustLyra

As her half sister she thinks she should dictate the wedding but is appalled that her half sisters half sister is a bridesmaid.

...while thinking her half sisters step father should walk her down the aisle, rather as her late father's brother.

Odd.

So...presumably your dad adopted her? If he was her dad? Odd that you haven't mentioned it.

i can’t sleep I am so upset

Seems a bit of an over reaction

*The uncle is giving her away and is essentially 'FOTB' in place of his brother in the wedding party. The FOTB traditionally gives a speech. How is it a leap to think he'd talk about his late brother, in essence isn't that why he's been asked (unless like he gave her an inheritance he's also paying a lot towards the wedding and this is as much about that).

There being a suggestion of a difficult history with her late father being an addict does make a difference where her mum's concerned...or you'd think the sister would consider that when making her arrangements. Otherwise, if she doesn't care about riding roughshod over her mum's feelings then it's her day but she can't complain if mum and step dad aren't willing to fully go along with her plans and it affects their relationship going forward to some degree.*

He might talk about him briefly, yes, but not make a whole speech about him. You seem to think weddings really are all about others.

Usually I'm all for children considering their parents feelings, and think there is all too little of that advocated on MN, but seriously? It is seriously unhealthy if her mum can't even hear her dad mentioned. She is her mother, she owes her some kind of help processing his death. She was a small child when he died, presumably. If she's raised her completely clamming up whenever her dad is brought up to any degree, no wonder the bride has issues around the subject.

Long, gushing speeches about what a great person/husband he was would be a bit much, but it's far more likely they'll just say how he would have loved to be there, be so proud, shed a tear and move on. If her mum can't handle hearing that then she needs to sort herself out, for her own sake as much as her daughter's.

I completely disagree that she "cannot complain" if this spoils their relationship going forward. It could only do so if they were awful, selfish people.

I disagree with that in that making the uncle part of the bridal party in place of her step dad could feel very awkward for her mum if it means she has to spend quite a lot of time with him in place of her husband through the day. Something every child of divorced parents has to consider when they get married.

We had that discussion, said we would understand if they didn't want to come, both parties agreed to enjoy the day. They set aside any previous antagonism and celebrated our marriage. There simply was no issue that overrode the reason for attending!

That's what adults do!

If the other side are so shitty then be the better side by making it easy for her. That's what a family does.

I mean, do any of you think she's go8ng to say "OMG, you guys are SO RIGHT I'm going to rescind the offer to uncle and see sense! Thank you, THANK YOU for making me see that my dysfunctional family aren't worthy, thank you for making a difficult situation more difficult and awkward!"

Look at it from her point of view, not yours.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

I disagree with that in that making the uncle part of the bridal party in place of her step dad could feel very awkward for her mum if it means she has to spend quite a lot of time with him in place of her husband through the day. Something every child of divorced parents has to consider when they get married.

We had that discussion, said we would understand if they didn't want to come, both parties agreed to enjoy the day. They set aside any previous antagonism and celebrated our marriage. There simply was no issue that overrode the reason for attending!

That's what adults do!

This history sounds like it could be a little more complicated for her Mum. I'd think a mature, adult child would respect that and be sensitive to it.

OP,

It is her day.

I can well imagine your father's hurt at her choice, but it is hers to make.

It will likely feel that she is making a big public statement as to how she views him and the position she places him in her life.

If he felt they had a positive relationship, it will sting.

This may not be true, but it could well feel like a very public humiliation on a day when the family are in the spotlight.

But it is her wedding and if that is what she chooses, it is her decision.

I can well imagine it will cause a rift.

She wants to include her late father on the day, and it is her choice.

She will also have to accept the consequences to her decision.

It is her right to make this choice for her day.

Likewise she will have to accept that this decision may have consequences.

If you generally have a good relationship with her, whilst you might empathise with your parents, try not to fall out.

That would be a shame.

Your mother is most likely feeling loyalty to your father and yes, appreciation that he did take her on all those years ago.

But your sister doesn't owe your father that appreciation.

I must agree with other poster's concerning her other step sister, of course she might also want her as a bridesmaid.

There could indeed be huge fallout from this in your family, it would be great for them if you chose cold water rather than petrol to add to the fire.

It will likely feel that she is making a big public statement as to how she views him and the position she places him in her life. If he felt they had a positive relationship, it will sting.

See I really don't understand why anyone would think this. Most people are walked down the aisle by their biological father. If people think anything about it, they will probably think "oh how sad that she doesn't have her dad".

If she were to walked down the aisle by her step dad, they would likely be thinking "oh how nice and out of the ordinary!", rather than have just assumed that was what she was going to do.

I get that it would have been a lovely gesture to him if that's what she'd chosen, but I don't think he's missing out on something that anyone would or should have thought he would automatically be doing.

The point isn't how any on us would feel, the OP has said her parents are devastated.

I am acknowledging how HER father may feel.

The validity of his feelings are his right.
They are HIS feelings.

Other people thinking he is wrong in his feelings are neither here nor there.

Her parents are entitled to their feelings.

However, it is HER day and if that is what she wants, they should respect it and not spoil her day by making a fuss.

If this causes long term hurt and upset in the family, she will have to accept that too.

People aren't always reasonable in how they feel, but they are entitled to feel their emotions.

It would be lovely if her step father said not a bother, whatever you choose, your day.
That would be great.
But it doesn't appear to be the case.
Her decision has resulted in great upset.

It's a bit similar to a couple going off and getting married quickly and quietly and not telling anyone.

I think it's their choice to do that.
However, doing it can cause huge upset in families.
This is why some people (me) don't do it.
But I really understand when I hear of others that do.

But this if not about how YOU feel about your dad or about their relationship. Your perception is on that- yours. She might feel differently from how you think or want her to feel. Why are your feelings, or those of her step-father, or even those of her mother more important than hers?

You need to stop seeing this as a snub. Are you close? That you are a bridesmaid suggests this.
I'd take her asking her uncle to walk her down the Isle as more of a way of her involving her father in her big day.
It must be so hard to get married without one of your parents there especially if your only really memories of them are idealised ones from childhood.

You need to speak to your mother and father and try to get them on board and be supportive of your sister rather then sharing in group hurt feelings over a precieved snub that probably wasn't even meant to be a snub.

@billy1966 I do agree with your posts but in relation to this part...

Your mother is most likely feeling loyalty to your father and yes, appreciation that he did take her on all those years ago. But your sister doesn't owe your father that appreciation.

I'm not sure about that. If I'm reading the Ops posts right not only has he been the father figure in her life for the last 30+ years since she was 3, his family embraced her equally to the Op, his father, the sisters step grandad left her an inheritance, his sister, her step aunt made her a bridesmaid for her wedding etc.

Absolutely right this is her decision to make as to who gives her away but I'm uneasy with the idea she's not behaving a little poorly by seemingly completely disregarding his and her mother's feelings and the emotional and practical support he and his family have given her through nearly her whole life.

@AKAotherwise Of course bride has ultimate say in her wedding and who does what, however can she really remember her dad? She was 3 when your dad became her step-father. Was her dad still alive by this point or deceased. Perhaps she is closer to her uncle than your dad? I was closer to my dad than my mum growing up but now am closer to my mum

If this causes long term hurt and upset in the family, she will have to accept that too.

Does she? Or could she stand up to them and say ‘I made my decision - you need to accept it and stop making it about you’?

It is completely up to your sister, any issues you have on this I think you need to put to rest, it is her wedding.

Absolutely right this is her decision to make as to who gives her away but I'm uneasy with the idea she's not behaving a little poorly by seemingly completely disregarding his and her mother's feelings and the emotional and practical support he and his family have given her through nearly her whole life.

“Completely disregarding” is such over dramatic language.

You’ve no idea how much time or thought went into the decision.

Also even the OP, who is trying to make a point about her Dad, says that he and the bride “got on”. Not a hint of closeness between them (the girl has never called him Dad). Just “they got on”.

No course I don't, the decision does seem to have come as a shock to her Mum, step dad and sister though as if she's just announced it rather than discussing it with them first. Cold way to treat the guy who's cared for you nearly your whole life and is your Mum's husband of 30 odd years. Even if she, or her groom, have a personality clash with him it's not great in my view.

This is why I think with all the different unconventional family set ups people have nowadays, going for traditional bridal party roles and trying to shoehorn the adults in your life in to them is a bit weird, rather than just inviting everyone you want to celebrate with you, sitting them with who you know they'll be comfortable with etc. That's the way to go for me.

If the sister hadn't chosen anyone to 'give her away', this public hurt wouldn't have been caused.I've said all along it's her decision and the Op should go, but the sister is the one responsible for a future rift if there is one.

@VeganCakes Where on earth are you getting the 30 odd years from? We’ve no idea how long the mother has been married. Nor do we actually know how old the bride was when her father died.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts about how old she or her half-sister are.

Perhaps her Mum, step dad and sister should have a think to themselves about why they have not taken any heed over the years about the fact that the bride has clearly never seen her step-dad as her dad. That’s been clear by th fact she’s never called or referred to him as Dad.

but the sister is the one responsible for a future rift if there is one

No, the person who causes a rift by being unable to accept that the bride wants the closest person to her Dad to give her away will cause any rift.

Scrap that. I see the three decades comment. Apologies

They are all entitled to their feelings about this.

Some might think it is her day and she should do exactly as she pleases.

Others may think that yea 30 odd years as her step father doing his best day in day out, and she goes for her Uncle, that must sting.

She has chosen her Uncle, but if her mother and step father are terribly hurt and it changes how THEY feel, well she will have to accept that too.

In the real world we don't get to dictate other people's feelings and right to be hurt.

They have no choice but to accept HER decision.

But she will also have no choice but to accept that THEY are upset.

Weddings generally are quite public affairs and her choice may draw comment.
Her mother and her husband may be sensitive to that.

MY own opinion is that I could understand the hurt of her step father if he has tried to do his best by her.

What a pity both men couldn't have been asked.

Weddings can be very sensitive, emotive occasions for some people.

Just because she tells them "I don't accept I upset and hurt you, get over it" changes nothing.

People feel how they feel.

If the sister hadn't chosen anyone to 'give her away', this public hurt wouldn't have been caused.I've said all along it's her decision and the Op should go, but the sister is the one responsible for a future rift if there is one.

One person can’t create a rift. The mother and the stepfather are responsible for their own behaviour and actions. If they choose to cry ‘woe is me’ because of a decision an adult woman makes about their own wedding day, I’d say that’s making a massive contribution towards any ‘rift’.

I don’t see how or why, if the stepdad genuinely sees the bride as his daughter, he would let this permanently change the nature of his relationship with her. Their bond can’t be that strong if he can do that.