Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

@Ejkipb

He's not entitled and not usually an arse either. But once something annoys him it's so hard to deal with him. It's like everything else is magnified and so much worse to him.

He made it very clear that in his opinion it was rude of me to do my livestream when he was due to finish work. This annoyed him a lot. Also the fact I made a joke on the livestream saying that hopefully when he gets home he will distract my son as he kept coming in the room... This annoyed him also. (I don't know why) The door was locked when he got home as I was upstairs but my son had been downstairs so I always lock it. So when he got home he had to knock and my daughter opened it for him. (This annoyed him further) And then when he came in, me being mid-stream and not talkative, then not having the chicken to put with what he wanted for tea, just topped it off. He snapped at my son because my son took a sandwich from the side and went to bite it without asking and he had just made it to go with his pasta. I don't agree with him snapping at my son but this is an issue we are trying to get past with him as he does just take food from the side without asking and obviously that is not okay. Irrelevant, he would normally not snap like that about it. I just feel like all stemming from me not picking up the phone when he left work, and being on the stream, has led to a night of me lying awake and stressed on the sofa and him upstairs not speaking to me. It seems ridiculous.

Quite the dripfeed. I’d be angry in that situation too. considering he usually isn’t angry when you don’t make tea, I think it’s a little harsh for you to be judging him so negatively.

What the what the...

YANBU. It's not your job to be on call to wait on him at all times in every way.

YABU.
Yeah your husband was a bit of a dick, but gaming with headphones on while looking after 2 young kids, leaving the door locked despite knowing your husband was due home - that’s pretty crap really. And if this was posted by a woman about her gaming husband, she’d have been slaughtered.

Gaming is very addictive so surprised your partner suggested it. Tbh it sounds like he had a bad day but shouldn't have taken it out on you.
Think that suggesting this is abuse is a massive over reaction. You both sound a bit sulky tbh.

Even if he came home at a consistent time, it would be unreasonable of him to expect you to arrange your life so as to always be available to greet him when he comes home. Since his finish times change, however, it moves from "unreasonable" to "lunacy".

it sounds like you both need to have a conversation about expectations of each other. the concept of 'greeting at the door' is very old fashioned, but fine for people who choose to do this for each other. you have other things going on in your life so no, you can't be on stand by to be a door mat he can walk across as he enters the house. the bloke needs a wake up call. He sounds like a child.

has led to a night of me lying awake and stressed on the sofa and him upstairs not speaking to me.

At 37 weeks YOU are the one on the sofa??!

That takes top prize for him being a dick.

@Bagamoyo1

YABU. Yeah your husband was a bit of a dick, but gaming with headphones on while looking after 2 young kids, leaving the door locked despite knowing your husband was due home - that’s pretty crap really. And if this was posted by a woman about her gaming husband, she’d have been slaughtered.

If everyone was upstairs I would have locked the door too. That's why he could have used the power of his key to get in

Jesus Christ they were not "rampaging around"!! One 4 yo getting up for a drink and one 7 yo watching tv who was only out of her room because the DP couldn't be arsed to get his key out of a pocket. The OP has said she CAN hear everything that goes on despite the headphones- they are not noise cancelling ones. It is perfectly normal for adults to get on with their own thing with kids in the house. No wonder so many people on here claim they are anxious and depressed if it's considered such a crime to be doing your own thing for an hour once a week, in the house and well aware of what is going on.

Lets be honest the only reason he knocked to be let in was to disturb the op. He could have used his key, most normal people would so why the hell didn't he? because it was deliberate to get the op off onto the back foot.

I hope you are OK, OP. As others have said, there are so many concerns here that all seem about control. If you treat him as the most important person in the house, everything is ok. But if he thinks he is not your absolute priority, the problems start. He knows you are streaming but is angry that you haven't already stopped and are not already waiting to jump to attention the moment he gets home. He has a key but refuses to use it, precisely to try and now force you to stop what you are doing, open the door, and give him that attention. But this doesn't work, because your daughter let him in, so you have now 'ignored' him twice and are still not showing him that he is more important than you. Then the tea you made being not good enough, it's another power play. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that this was all because he knew you were doing something fun for you.

You say he isn't normally like this, and if you are busy or ill it's all fine. Is that true, or is it only fine when he is getting his own way? Could this change be because he is now the only income earner? When you were also working were things more equal, with both of you being allowed your own downtime? Maybe he now sees himself as more important because he is the sole earner, and views your role as 'lesser', therefore you should now start pandering to him?

I'm a SAHM. I almost never have tea ready for DH. I greet him if I happen to be near the door, or am not in the middle of something. Sometimes someone even accidentally locks him out. All of this is fine. But he did have a phase when he resented my 'easy life' and definitely didn't like being left with chores and kids if I did something to enjoy myself. This sounds like it could be similar to your situation. What fixed this for my DH was him realising that being at home with 3 kids, one with autism, wasn't the dream life he imagined. And that I was actually far more stressed and in need of a break than he was in his admittedly easy job. My staying at home was supposed to be temporary, which he was perfectly happy about. It was when we realised that actually, I wasn't going to be walking back into a new job that our issues started and he became resentful. The thing that really fixed it was him reading the incident diary I had started keeping to help with DDs autusm diagnosis. It really opened his eyes and he was shocked because he had no idea that's what I was dealing with all day. He had been imagining me having a lovely time, not always being bothered to do the housework, and then sometimes even daring to go out and leave him with the kids! When the reality was quite different. Now he is appreciative, recognises what I do, and admits he doesn't doesn't know how he'd manage without me doing what I do. So things can change. He needs to realise that your days can be difficult, especially when you are feeling ill, and that you deserve a break too. And most importantly, that he is not more important than you. I really hope things can change, OP. But if not, start making plans for yours and your children's independence.

If you lock our front door and leave the key in no-one can unlock it from outside. Maybe the OP's front door locking system is the same?

I think I am reading a different thread. 😳 If I got home at 8:30pm to find myself locked out, children running around unattended because my husband was locked away gaming and then didn’t acknowledge me for thirty minutes I’d have the hump too. It is rude. My DH would have had some dinner ready for me too, because he is a nice and throughout spouse.

And your son sounds like he needs some discipline and you are not allowing your husband to do this. Snapping seems to have changed to “lashed out” very quickly. I am wondering if this really went down as bad as you say are sure you he didn’t just say “Oi leave that alone it’s not yours” or is he not allowed to do even that.

*thoughtful

You must be reading a different thread. For a start - He wasn't locked out he had his key. Actually maybe you should RTFT.

Could he get in if op had locked the door? If op left the key in the door then he wouldn't have been able to use his key.
I would have done a live stream while the kids were still awake and not settled. I know they were in bed but clearly not stalled or asleep.
Letting your dd answer the door is dangerous. I presume she went downstairs to do this while you were upstairs.
If this was the other way round, everyone would be blaming the man for gaming. Shocking double standards.

Jesus Christ they were not "rampaging around"!! One 4 yo getting up for a drink and one 7 yo watching tv who was only out of her room because the DP couldn't be arsed to get his key out of a pocket.

Read the OP. They made a joke about DH coming home as the 4yo kept coming in and interrupting. That is not a 4yo getting up once for a drink and irrespective that’s not the kids ‘being in bed’. That’s the space after kids are put to bed where they dick around where you still have to keep an eye on them (while internally screaming get the fuck to sleep). It’s not appropriate to play computer games you don’t want to leave during this time, you are still ‘on’ for parenting. The priority for computer games you don’t want to leave would be after they are actually asleep not the period when they have been put to bed but don’t want to be there. Watching tv and reading a book are different as you would just instantly pause tv or put book down to parent during this time. A computer game would also be fine if you could immediately leave it, didn’t have headphones, were talking over them and didn’t want to leave the game which is what OP is describing.

HugeAckmansWife
Jesus Christ they were not "rampaging around"!! One 4 yo getting up for a drink and one 7 yo watching tv who was only out of her room because the DP couldn't be arsed to get his key out of a pocket. The OP has said she CAN hear everything that goes on despite the headphones- they are not noise cancelling ones. It is perfectly normal for adults to get on with their own thing with kids in the house. No wonder so many people on here claim they are anxious and depressed if it's considered such a crime to be doing your own thing for an hour once a week, in the house and well aware of what is going on

^This

Stop making his tea and stop apologising for been busy when he gets home for a start!

@DontFuckItUp

Stop making his tea and stop apologising for been busy when he gets home for a start!

You see, I don’t think gaming and streaming is “being busy”. I think it’s pissing around like a teenager when you’re an adult with young kids that you’re supposedly in charge of!

[quote Candyfloss99]@SleepingStandingUp I watch TV or read a book or tidy up. I wouldn't put on head phones and be immersed in something in case I couldn't hear one of them. I would most certainly be available to open in the door instead of sending a 7 year old to do it.[/quote]
Op has said she can hear the kids so she's no more immersed that you will be on a book or a show where you might not be able to hear them on another floor. I agree I wouldn't have expected my 7 to get up and open the door, but I would expect my lazy ass partner to put his key in his hand, into the whole and turn, all without me being their to mop his brow from over exertion

You see, I don’t think gaming and streaming is “being busy”. I think it’s pissing around like a teenager when you’re an adult with young kids that you’re supposedly in charge of!
So is it ok for op to not answer the door and not sort his dinner of she's reading Chaucer or embroidering a cushion?

Do people really leave their doors unlocked just so their husbands don't have to use their keys when they get home?

Your kids aren’t his? Your pg with the first with him?

Has he changed since you became pg and if so, how

Think small, think about all the teeny things that came before this.

I have my suspicions but I’d like to hear more from you first before I reply fully. I want you to really look at what’s happening between you