Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

[IEat]

@LadyCatStark

Urgh is he in the 1950s? Perhaps you should have fixed your hair and slipped into something pretty for him too.

Exactly what I was going to say.

[Teentitansonloop]

Unfortunately I think this might be the start of him ramping up control. They always start subtlety.

[HoppingPavlova]

Should have added I would have been pissed if I had of come home from work to find this stuff going on and not being controlled by my DH.

[HoppingPavlova]

Yes I let my 7, almost 8Yo make her own drinks of water, I'm a terrible parent.

No, but you are a parent doing something else rather than being in control of the situation. After being put to bed kids don’t need to get up and get drinks and food. Why are you humouring this? No normal child will dehydrate if they don’t have a drink from when they go to bed until they get up. Both of your children do this and it doesn’t seem to be abnormal for you. It’s an attention grabbing and stalling tactic because they don’t want to be in bed and they seem to know they have control of the situation rather than the other way around.

[Cokie3]

@Ejkipb

I personally think it was a combination of things. We spoke this morning and he has said that it was purely down to me not speaking to him much when he got home, he didn't feel like he was "welcome" his words. I acknowledged his feelings and said that I won't do a stream when he is due home again. But I also explained that him being annoyed for this reason was not good enough reason to act the way he did.

Why does he need to be 'welcomed home'? Normally my spouse or myself just walk in, say hi on the way to the kitchen to get a drink or turning on the tv. And that's it. He acts like he has been away on active duty for 6 months, or on holiday and needs a 'welcome party'. I really don't understand this 'welcome' part. WHY does he need it? Ask him why. Tell him he isn't special, there is no grand parade, and to get his head out of his arse.
Who does he think he is, that he needs to be 'appropriately' welcomed home? Just a mere 'hi' or a nod from either of us is fine and I really thought that was how it was for every couple. He sounds full of himself if he needs a full on 'welcome' home just for doing normal daily work. Seriously, wtf is that all about? It's not normal.

[SleepingStandingUp]

To be fair I'm heavily pregnant and have SPD so I haven't been the most affectionate lately so maybe it's that getting to him I'm unsure. But he did apologise thismorning. That sounds like code for no sex recently and he's irritable because we've not had sex and it's my fault he's moody for not giving him sex.

That's going to get worse not better v shortly

[Humblebumbleoh]

Can you rationalise to yourself why he didn’t just use his key?

Could it possibly be because he set this up...and ended up getting what he wants?

Tosspot.

[slashlover]

It's the exact same as watching TV whilst your kids are in bed. Which they were. I wish people would read all of the comments first. Also... I have never done this before.. it was literally my first time doing it.

You previously said Also the fact I made a joke on the livestream saying that hopefully when he gets home he will distract my son as he kept coming in the room

So was your son coming into the room or not?

[Helloandhelloagain]

Well he sounds a barely of laughs. Life is too short for that wanker. Put him
In his place because this is a form of abuse. Deep down you know it .

[VinterKvinna]

Yes I let my 7, almost 8Yo make her own drinks of water, I'm a terrible parent.

That was your takeaway from my post... yes, thats exactly why we think you are a terrible parent

[VenusTiger]

@dementedpixie - thank you - don't like that term at all !! reminds me of Del Boy . I'll be off then.

[dementedpixie]

Significant Other

[VenusTiger]

What's an 'SO' ?

[LouJ85]

but my SO had commented on the stream saying he was 2 mins away

I'm also now wondering how he commented on the stream whilst presumably driving, if he was 2 mins away? 🤔 that might be my own assumption though - he may have pulled over

[JustLyra]

but my SO had commented on the stream saying he was 2 mins away and then 2 mins later a knock. I remembered I had locked the door and assumed he had things in his hands.

So, he knew you were streaming and even though he had a key he knocked?

Then he had a massive strop because you didn’t end the stream and let him in personally.

The more you say about him the worse he sounds...

[ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown]

Since he has apologised, it would be an interesting experiment to accept his apology, and continue to schedule your screening for that time. Or, tomorrow when he gets home you're reading dc stories in bed or have gone to sleep yourself. How do you feel about doing that? How do you think he'd react?

[TurquoiseDragon]

No, he said work was fine, he had just said that he felt like I was being distant because I was preoccupied.

Preoccupied with something he already knew about. So he's being a dick, and this, to me, is controlling behaviour.

Especially as you have apologised to him and promised not to do it again. Definitely a controlling dick.

If he can't cope with you sometimes being preoccupied with something else when he gets home, then he's going to be in for a shock when baby arrives.

Everything you've so far posted is leading me to think that his behaviour on Monday evening was deliberate, to put you off having your attention elsewhere when he's around.

He had a key, why did he knock and not use it? Even when I lived with my abusive ex, he always used his key to get in, he never bothered knocking.

[LouJ85]

@Ejkipb

Oh and I agree with pp about not giving up your hobby! If he's apologised then presumably he's seen the error of his ways and therefore he should understand that you're perfectly entitled to have your hobby? Why are you giving it up?

[JustLyra]

No, he said work was fine, he had just said that he felt like I was being distant because I was preoccupied. To be fair I'm heavily pregnant and have SPD so I haven't been the most affectionate lately so maybe it's that getting to him I'm unsure. But he did apologise thismorning.

Did he apologise completely unprompted or after you brought it up with him?

[LouJ85]

@Ejkipb

Maybe it was just a one off then? I'm glad he apologised anyway.

I can sympathise on the heavily pregnant front - I'm 32 weeks currently and so done with it! I don't have SPD to cope with either, so you must be exhausted and in pain

Take care of yourself and good luck with baby

[Nancydrawn]

OP, it sounds like you've backed down entirely. He gave a begrudging apology and now you're giving up your hobby (that he encouraged!), which is also a social outlet, so that he can feel more 'welcome' upon his return home once a week.

Boil it down to that: he gave up one qualified apology, you gave up your hobby entirely.

That seems like a very unequal reaction to the situation.

[Carouselfish]

This isn't a normal relationship between equals. Who the fuck does he think he is? Sounds like everything revolves around him.

[JustLyra]

@Ejkipb

Yeah I'm not scared of him, he has never been abusive in any way towards me or my children. He's usually great. We did speak thismorning and he said it was purely down to not feeling like he had been welcomed home and he felt that I had been distant or "off" with him. It upset him and made him irritable. That was all. I explained that this isn't an excuse to act the way he did however I understand he felt upset and I won't stream when he is due home again.

So he’s got his own way then - he’s thrown a ridiculous temper tantrum, including aimed at a 4yo, and ultimately he’s got his own way because you’ve stopped streaming...

Be very careful OP. You’ve basically just shown him that if he throws a tantrum you’ll do what he wants.

It is not normal for a grown man to have a tantrum because he’s not “welcomed home”. He was at work for the day, not in the trenches for four years.

[Ejkipb]

@LouJ85

There is nothing wrong with someone coming home, letting themselves in, seeing their partner is busy or happily doing something on their own, and just seeing to themselves until they're finished. I think his behaviour is pathetic. My partner is always chuffed to bits when he sees I'm absorbed in something I enjoy. I like gaming. He'd pop his head round the door and give me a wave and then go see to himself, sort his own dinner etc til I was done. That's normal adult behaviour.

I do agree with this to be honest. If I'm busy doing something when my DP comes home from work he'll just kiss me on the forehead or something and then go and start making his tea (and mine if I hadn't already eaten). He definitely doesn't expect to be "welcomed".

But, having said that, this high maintenance behaviour of expecting a welcome home doesn't sound typical of your DP, either... so it's weird how it's suddenly different on one day only. Did he say whether anything had happened at work that day?

No, he said work was fine, he had just said that he felt like I was being distant because I was preoccupied. To be fair I'm heavily pregnant and have SPD so I haven't been the most affectionate lately so maybe it's that getting to him I'm unsure. But he did apologise thismorning.

[QOD]

what does all this "slot time" and "streaming" mean? is it you joining in on pre arranged games?