Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

275 replies

Ejkipb · 22/02/2021 23:13

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

OP posts:
TippledPink · 23/02/2021 09:53

@theleafandnotthetree But why would you be annoyed that you had to use a key to get in? I thought it was pretty normal to use a key to get in when you get home! Do people really leave their front doors unlocked all the time, that's so dangerous to leave a door unlocked, especially with young children in the house! Anyone could wander in.

ancientgran · 23/02/2021 09:56

@ShinyGreenElephant

Someone "lashed out" at my kid just because they were in a mood I would have smashed the bowl of pasta over their head. If hes started being horrible since youre pregnant thats a huge red flag and you want to be very careful
Violence is such a great response.
SignsofSpring · 23/02/2021 10:00

What I don't get is why you immediately grovelled to him. Why did you start saying you'd never do that again, you won't stream on a Mon if he's coming home? He is unreasonable, he's angry, he's a twat not you. No wonder he's normally nice if you do absolutely everything and bend to his wishes, and no wonder he was cross when you failed to do this on that one occasion.

LouJ85 · 23/02/2021 10:04

No wonder he's normally nice if you do absolutely everything

She clearly states that he usually comes home and is more than happy to help out if she's unwell - so it doesn't sound like that sort of dynamic to me?

VinterKvinna · 23/02/2021 10:14

Also the fact I made a joke on the livestream saying that hopefully when he gets home he will distract my son as he kept coming in the room... This annoyed him also. (I don't know why)
I would be annoyed if my 4yr old was up at 8.30pm and the stay at home parent was 'playing'

The door was locked when he got home as I was upstairs but my son had been downstairs so I always lock it. So when he got home he had to knock and my daughter opened it for him. (This annoyed him further)
when was your son downstairs, and don't you have locked door normally and open with a key from outside

And then when he came in, me being mid-stream and not talkative, then not having the chicken to put with what he wanted for tea, just topped it off. He snapped at my son because my son took a sandwich from the side and went to bite it without asking and he had just made it to go with his pasta.
How did he snapped at your son, with a quick 'oy put that back!!' or worse?

I don't agree with him snapping at my son but this is an issue we are trying to get past with him as he does just take food from the side without asking and obviously that is not okay
so this is a normal thing that happens...

Which of course with a headset on mid-stream I wasn't able to do. I did say hi but not much else of course.
but you say you were fully aware of what your son (upstairs or in bed or downstairs? I'm confused?)

When I put the headphones on to do the stream my little boy was in bed. He only got out to come see me and then followed me down to get a drink. My daughter was in her room and when he knocked I asked her to let him in as I knew it was him. I would never put headphones on and leave my children wandering the house.
Its dark at 8.30 (in the UK) Even if I knew who was at the door, I still wouldnt get my 7 yr old to open the door

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 23/02/2021 10:21

@MrsIsobelCrawley

This post is ringing alarm bells.

Your DP's behaviour is completely unacceptable. Lashing out at your 4 year old son is very wrong.

Asking your 7 year-old daughter to answer the door on another floor because you wanted to continue gaming is not okay.

He had a key with him but chose not to use it
Candyfloss99 · 23/02/2021 10:35

This sounds like such a weird set up.

Candyfloss99 · 23/02/2021 10:36

Who was looking after your 4 year old when you were immersed in your live stream?

VinterKvinna · 23/02/2021 10:38

When I put the headphones on to do the stream my little boy was in bed. He only got out to come see me and then followed me down to get a drink. My daughter was in her room and when he knocked I asked her to let him in as I knew it was him. I would never put headphones on and leave my children wandering the house.
Its dark at 8.30 (in the UK) Even if I knew who was at the door, I still wouldnt get my 7 yr old to open the door

further to this, if DH has a key, I would not expect him to knock on the door, and therefore would not send my SEVEN YEAR OLD dd to open the door!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2021 10:46

@Candyfloss99

Who was looking after your 4 year old when you were immersed in your live stream?
Our of interest, what do you do when your kids are in bed? Sit in silence outside their door? In a chair staring at them? Do you never watch TV or sleep?
Basickitsch · 23/02/2021 10:48

Yabu to have apologised for not “welcoming” him
Home, I used to fling my kids at my husband when he walked in cause I needed a break 🤣 I love my husband very much but even with two very self sufficient kids I generally just shout “hello” from whatever room I’m in if I hear him come home, if he wants to chat he can come and find me! I won’t be at the door with an apron on and a whisky glass in hand to greet him (and just to add my husband has what most would agree can be a pretty stressful job so I do like to know if he’s dealt with something horrific that day, but generally he’d come and tell me if he needed to talk and not get annoyed I wasn’t waiting with his pipe and slippers, also cooking of good for destressing ;) I don’t want to steal all that fun from him 🤣

TheSparkleJar · 23/02/2021 10:59

I have mixed feelings on this, though the main one is that your DP is a prick.

I don't like it when adults get absorbed in things like streaming or TV in the early evening while their kids are still up. If your dc's are young can't it wait until they're asleep and you have the rest of the evening to yourself?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2021 11:01

@TheSparkleJar

I have mixed feelings on this, though the main one is that your DP is a prick.

I don't like it when adults get absorbed in things like streaming or TV in the early evening while their kids are still up. If your dc's are young can't it wait until they're asleep and you have the rest of the evening to yourself?

They were in bed
notalwaysalondoner · 23/02/2021 11:12

Wow, are we living in the 1950s? This isn't acceptable. Even if as an SAHM you both agree your job is to keep the house clean and do all the cooking as well as the childcare, these days men need to recognise that their SAHP is a PERSON with their own life. Not just a different version of their mother whose sole purpose is to look after them..

Grenlei · 23/02/2021 11:17

They were in bed, but not asleep or even near sleep, on the basis that the DD was told to get up and answer the door, and the DS was up for a drink too.

I get the feeling they were in bed because the OP was streaming, not because they were being expected to sleep.

Like most people when I put my children to bed, it was to rest/ sleep and they wouldn't have been getting up to answer the door or get themselves a drink...

Candyfloss99 · 23/02/2021 11:17

@SleepingStandingUp I watch TV or read a book or tidy up. I wouldn't put on head phones and be immersed in something in case I couldn't hear one of them. I would most certainly be available to open in the door instead of sending a 7 year old to do it.

dementedpixie · 23/02/2021 11:19

[quote Candyfloss99]@SleepingStandingUp I watch TV or read a book or tidy up. I wouldn't put on head phones and be immersed in something in case I couldn't hear one of them. I would most certainly be available to open in the door instead of sending a 7 year old to do it.[/quote]
Or maybe he could have used his key and let himself in

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/02/2021 11:19

How old is he? Six?

truthisalie · 23/02/2021 11:24

I also wouldn't send such a young child to open the door. Could be anyone at the door by coincidence. The husband obviously knew the OP was streaming so should have entered the house using his key. If he couldn't find the key, then he should have texted her. I suspect he already wasn't in a mood at the time and not because of the chicken. He wants his wife to be available at any time.

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 23/02/2021 11:25

Cancel the cheque!

LowlandLucky · 23/02/2021 11:25

He is an arse. Who looks after your children whilst you are upstairs playing games with your head phones on ?

slashlover · 23/02/2021 11:39

You said that your son was in bed until he came in but then that

he kept coming in the room
had been downstairs so I always lock it.

RB68 · 23/02/2021 11:46

tell him the 1950s called and would he like you to take your shoes off as well. What is he going to be like when baby arrives... He needs an attitude adjustment to be honest

RedskyBynight · 23/02/2021 11:49

They were in bed

But DS kept getting out of bed, to the point where OP had to lock the front door to prevent him getting out, then to interfere with OP's gaming, and later to go down to the kitchen and try to steal DP's sandwich.
And DD was watching TV (so she might have been in bed but was clearly in not in "going to sleep" mode) and later asked to get up and let DP in.
So not remotely children that were asleep or going to sleep.

HoppingPavlova · 23/02/2021 11:52

Being honest if I was your DH I would have been unhappy. No excuse to get angry with a 4yo or to cause a stupid fuss about food no one else is obliged to make you.

I would think the boiling point may have been when he got home and found kids rampaging around, clearly unattended and he thought it was a pretty poor show. While the kids may have been ‘put to bed’ they were obviously not in the sleep zone. Walking around opening doors, getting themselves drinks, it seemed to have been ongoing ongoing with the 4yo as OP made a comment on the livestream. If I got home and found the other parent playing computer games in this situation I’d be really pissed. I think the dinner and everything else are furphies and he was then generally pissed with genuine cause and consequently acted very badly all round rather than addressing the root cause of the anger.

Swipe left for the next trending thread