Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

How dare you not be ready and then super attentive in anticipation for your lord and master returning home!! I thought the drill was to put a fresh dress on, some make up on and a smile ready for him? Back in the real world, he’s a bell end with a bad attitude problem He needs to sort his expectations especially before baby arrives

Could he get in if op had locked the door? If op left the key in the door then he wouldn't have been able to use his key.

Tbh I was also wondering this - I'd assumed the keys were in the back of the door on the inside so he couldn't get in? But not sure if OP clarified that or not ...

I'd only assumed that was the case because it seems a very odd, one off behaviour - to demand to be let in when you have your own key 🤔

My husband usually rings me on the way home from work and asks if we need anything bringing in.

I can’t believe in the very pregnant spd state you’re in, he’s expecting you to wait on him hand and foot. He sounds horrible.

@LouJ85

Could he get in if op had locked the door? If op left the key in the door then he wouldn't have been able to use his key.

Tbh I was also wondering this - I'd assumed the keys were in the back of the door on the inside so he couldn't get in? But not sure if OP clarified that or not ...

She did, he could get in. I assume he's just too exhausted from his day down the pit

Also, he has his own key. He didn't actually have to knock. A lot of front doors self lock and require a key.. it's not the worst thing in the world!

@SleepingStandingUp

Also, he has his own key. He didn't actually have to knock. A lot of front doors self lock and require a key.. it's not the worst thing in the world!

Oh I missed this. Still seems very odd as a one off behaviour though, from her description of how supportive he usually is when she's unwell 🤔 which is why I wondered about the bad day at work scenario which he has (wrongly) taken out on her and obviously owes her an apology for.

I'd agree but for how nervous she is to bring it up with him. If that was DH I'd have told him not to scream at 4 yo and I'd have told him he was being a dick over me being to busy to sit by the door in anticipation of his arrival. Op immediately apologised and swore to never do it again, he was still a dick, she slept on the sofa, and she knows mentioning it will cause an arguement (because it isn't the first time he's been a dick)

@SleepingStandingUp

I'd agree but for how nervous she is to bring it up with him. If that was DH I'd have told him not to scream at 4 yo and I'd have told him he was being a dick over me being to busy to sit by the door in anticipation of his arrival. Op immediately apologised and swore to never do it again, he was still a dick, she slept on the sofa, and she knows mentioning it will cause an arguement (because it isn't the first time he's been a dick)

She says I did make it clear I wasn't happy about him snapping at my son, so it sounds like she's been able to assert her upset about the situation to some degree. I read the part about her being nervous to have the discussion but it read to me that she couldn't be arsed with having a conversation that would inevitably go around in circles with him saying he's right and her saying he's wrong, as opposed to because she was scared of him (she does actually say "it's not because I'm scared of him" that she doesn't want to raise it).

I agree the sleeping on the sofa thing is weird at 37 weeks pregnant though. I'm 32 weeks pregnant currently and my DP has been sleeping in the spare room every night to give me the bed to myself so I can be comfy - I'd be very uncomfortable on a sofa and he'd never expect or allow that.

Is it not possible to pause in the middle of live streaming?

You can tell I know nothing about it

@RampantIvy

Is it not possible to pause in the middle of live streaming?

You can tell I know nothing about it

No it’s live, like a one way teams call with the text chat.

@HoppingPavlova

Being honest if I was your DH I would have been unhappy. No excuse to get angry with a 4yo or to cause a stupid fuss about food no one else is obliged to make you.

I would think the boiling point may have been when he got home and found kids rampaging around, clearly unattended and he thought it was a pretty poor show. While the kids may have been ‘put to bed’ they were obviously not in the sleep zone. Walking around opening doors, getting themselves drinks, it seemed to have been ongoing ongoing with the 4yo as OP made a comment on the livestream. If I got home and found the other parent playing computer games in this situation I’d be really pissed. I think the dinner and everything else are furphies and he was then generally pissed with genuine cause and consequently acted very badly all round rather than addressing the root cause of the anger.

No kids were wandering around, I'd like to confirm that again. My son came downstairs WITH ME to get him a drink. He did not wander down alone nor did he ask my partner. What I was doing was no different to watching TV in your room or the lounge whilst the kids are in bed.

@RampantIvy

Is it not possible to pause in the middle of live streaming?

You can tell I know nothing about it

It's not possible to pause really, however when my son came in asking for a drink, I simply said bye and signed off.. then went downstairs with him to get him a drink. I'm not sure why people are making out on here that I was ignorant to my children whilst on the livestream. I wasn't. And I ended it to see to my son, as I would if I was doing anything at all.

I personally think it was a combination of things. We spoke this morning and he has said that it was purely down to me not speaking to him much when he got home, he didn't feel like he was "welcome" his words. I acknowledged his feelings and said that I won't do a stream when he is due home again. But I also explained that him being annoyed for this reason was not good enough reason to act the way he did.

@MzHz

Your kids aren’t his? Your pg with the first with him?

Has he changed since you became pg and if so, how

Think small, think about all the teeny things that came before this.

I have my suspicions but I’d like to hear more from you first before I reply fully. I want you to really look at what’s happening between you

No, to be honest he's been fantastic through the pg. He could definitely do more around the house some days like, but not anything major and he always does jobs if I ask him to. Although I'm very impatient as far as housework goes so I usually just do it before he has the chance to offer.

Yeah I'm not scared of him, he has never been abusive in any way towards me or my children. He's usually great. We did speak thismorning and he said it was purely down to not feeling like he had been welcomed home and he felt that I had been distant or "off" with him. It upset him and made him irritable. That was all. I explained that this isn't an excuse to act the way he did however I understand he felt upset and I won't stream when he is due home again.

Oh Op he doesn't need to abuse you he's got you right where he wants you without lifting a finger. Think carefully about the next thing you're asked to give up, please.
What a needy man.

@Bagamoyo1

YABU. Yeah your husband was a bit of a dick, but gaming with headphones on while looking after 2 young kids, leaving the door locked despite knowing your husband was due home - that’s pretty crap really. And if this was posted by a woman about her gaming husband, she’d have been slaughtered.

It's the exact same as watching TV whilst your kids are in bed. Which they were. I wish people would read all of the comments first. Also... I have never done this before.. it was literally my first time doing it. I'm not a huge gamer. I have a slot once a week that started 2 weeks ago. This was the first one without him already home. But the kids were in bed. My headphones cancel out noise no more than having my television on would. I use the mic... Not the sound through them. And the door being locked was because myself and the kids were upstairs. In my opinion that's safety. He has a key. I appreciate your comment and opinion but I really think you're picturing someone with noise canceling headphones on ignoring their kids and that is not me.

@Ejkipb

Yeah I'm not scared of him, he has never been abusive in any way towards me or my children. He's usually great. We did speak thismorning and he said it was purely down to not feeling like he had been welcomed home and he felt that I had been distant or "off" with him. It upset him and made him irritable. That was all. I explained that this isn't an excuse to act the way he did however I understand he felt upset and I won't stream when he is due home again.

And did he apologise to you?

[quote TippledPink]@theleafandnotthetree But why would you be annoyed that you had to use a key to get in? I thought it was pretty normal to use a key to get in when you get home! Do people really leave their front doors unlocked all the time, that's so dangerous to leave a door unlocked, especially with young children in the house! Anyone could wander in.[/quote]
That is my point! I don't know why people keep saying I was wrong to have the door locked !!

He did apologise after me explaining how he made me feel etc.

@HugeAckmansWife

Jesus Christ they were not "rampaging around"!! One 4 yo getting up for a drink and one 7 yo watching tv who was only out of her room because the DP couldn't be arsed to get his key out of a pocket. The OP has said she CAN hear everything that goes on despite the headphones- they are not noise cancelling ones. It is perfectly normal for adults to get on with their own thing with kids in the house. No wonder so many people on here claim they are anxious and depressed if it's considered such a crime to be doing your own thing for an hour once a week, in the house and well aware of what is going on.

Thank you for your comment! I suppose most of these people commenting think that all the parents working from home having to wear headsets with children in the house are neglecting their kids too. This is the first time I have ever done a stream without my SO already in the house, and the kids were in their rooms with me fully able to hear them. Cannot believe some people.

This thread is a shambles. OP you've done nothing wrong. But I do think you've validated some pretty dickish behaviour from your partner. He's had an apology from you for not making him feel "welcome" when he got home and now you've promised never to do it again. I mean FFS!

There is nothing wrong with someone coming home, letting themselves in, seeing their partner is busy or happily doing something on their own, and just seeing to themselves until they're finished. I think his behaviour is pathetic. My partner is always chuffed to bits when he sees I'm absorbed in something I enjoy. I like gaming. He'd pop his head round the door and give me a wave and then go see to himself, sort his own dinner etc til I was done. That's normal adult behaviour.

There is nothing wrong with someone coming home, letting themselves in, seeing their partner is busy or happily doing something on their own, and just seeing to themselves until they're finished. I think his behaviour is pathetic. My partner is always chuffed to bits when he sees I'm absorbed in something I enjoy. I like gaming. He'd pop his head round the door and give me a wave and then go see to himself, sort his own dinner etc til I was done. That's normal adult behaviour.

I do agree with this to be honest. If I'm busy doing something when my DP comes home from work he'll just kiss me on the forehead or something and then go and start making his tea (and mine if I hadn't already eaten). He definitely doesn't expect to be "welcomed".

But, having said that, this high maintenance behaviour of expecting a welcome home doesn't sound typical of your DP, either... so it's weird how it's suddenly different on one day only. Did he say whether anything had happened at work that day?

@VinterKvinna

Also the fact I made a joke on the livestream saying that hopefully when he gets home he will distract my son as he kept coming in the room... This annoyed him also. (I don't know why) I would be annoyed if my 4yr old was up at 8.30pm and the stay at home parent was 'playing'

The door was locked when he got home as I was upstairs but my son had been downstairs so I always lock it. So when he got home he had to knock and my daughter opened it for him. (This annoyed him further)
when was your son downstairs, and don't you have locked door normally and open with a key from outside

And then when he came in, me being mid-stream and not talkative, then not having the chicken to put with what he wanted for tea, just topped it off. He snapped at my son because my son took a sandwich from the side and went to bite it without asking and he had just made it to go with his pasta.
How did he snapped at your son, with a quick 'oy put that back!!' or worse?

I don't agree with him snapping at my son but this is an issue we are trying to get past with him as he does just take food from the side without asking and obviously that is not okay
so this is a normal thing that happens...

Which of course with a headset on mid-stream I wasn't able to do. I did say hi but not much else of course.
but you say you were fully aware of what your son (upstairs or in bed or downstairs? I'm confused?)

When I put the headphones on to do the stream my little boy was in bed. He only got out to come see me and then followed me down to get a drink. My daughter was in her room and when he knocked I asked her to let him in as I knew it was him. I would never put headphones on and leave my children wandering the house.
Its dark at 8.30 (in the UK) Even if I knew who was at the door, I still wouldnt get my 7 yr old to open the door

My son was in bed! He got out of bed to come ask ME for a drink... Where I IMMEDIATELY ended my stream and went with him to get one.. before returning him back to bed MYSELF!

My son was downstairs moments after me due to choosing a toy from his downstairs toy box to bring up to the bath with him. Ages before SO was due home. I NEVER go upstairs with the kids without locking the door as it's unsafe.
His snap at my son was just a very loud "No, that's my sandwich, what are you doing you can't take that it's not yours".. sort of telling off, but much louder and angrier sounding than usual. He did not physically harm him or anything like that.
My son taking food from the side is a normal thing yes, he will do it when I am preparing meals and he will also take food from my plate when at the table... We are trying to get him out of this as obviously it's a bad habit.
I couldn't talk to my partner much mid stream because it would sound odd to the people watching (as he would know as he streams himself) ... Not because I couldn't hear him. And as stated several times. By the time I started my stream the kids were in their rooms.
It is dark at 8:30 and I wouldn't have allowed my 7yo to open the door usually, but my SO had commented on the stream saying he was 2 mins away and then 2 mins later a knock. I remembered I had locked the door and assumed he had things in his hands. My daughter was coming out of her room to ask me if she could go down and get herself some water anyway and so I said yes please will you let SO in on your way to the kitchen.
Yes I let my 7, almost 8Yo make her own drinks of water, I'm a terrible parent.