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Original poster

Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

275 replies

Ejkipb · 22/02/2021 23:13

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 23/02/2021 07:39

I think it’s interesting the first thing the OP said was an apology. Is it really true, OP that you didn’t like being busy when he got home - or was that mainly because of the atmosphere he created.

And she’s also scared to raise the topic again for fear of an argument.

These are not indicators of a healthy relationship.

As an aside, I’m also boggling at the weirdness of not having the kind of chicken you like to go with your pasta so making sandwiches to accompany it instead...

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 23/02/2021 07:52

@Ejkipb

He's not entitled and not usually an arse either. But once something annoys him it's so hard to deal with him. It's like everything else is magnified and so much worse to him.

He made it very clear that in his opinion it was rude of me to do my livestream when he was due to finish work. This annoyed him a lot. Also the fact I made a joke on the livestream saying that hopefully when he gets home he will distract my son as he kept coming in the room... This annoyed him also. (I don't know why) The door was locked when he got home as I was upstairs but my son had been downstairs so I always lock it. So when he got home he had to knock and my daughter opened it for him. (This annoyed him further) And then when he came in, me being mid-stream and not talkative, then not having the chicken to put with what he wanted for tea, just topped it off. He snapped at my son because my son took a sandwich from the side and went to bite it without asking and he had just made it to go with his pasta. I don't agree with him snapping at my son but this is an issue we are trying to get past with him as he does just take food from the side without asking and obviously that is not okay. Irrelevant, he would normally not snap like that about it. I just feel like all stemming from me not picking up the phone when he left work, and being on the stream, has led to a night of me lying awake and stressed on the sofa and him upstairs not speaking to me. It seems ridiculous.

So your kids were left unattended whilst you live streamed gaming and your DD had to unlock the door whilst you were gaming upstairs, and you wonder why he was annoyed?

Who was looking after your children then?8

Yesmate · 23/02/2021 08:00

The more updates I read, the more frustrated I am OP. Stop making excuses for him. So he had to knock on the door, so what. Your door should be locked with a four year old in the house anyway. He sounds entitled, controlling and like a man child. Either lay the boundaries now or consider your future with him seriously. Stop making excuses for someone who sounds horrible.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 23/02/2021 08:00

@ChippyChickenChips

Get off the fucking computer. I'd be annoyed if I had to knock to get through my own front door.
Exactly especially when the little girl is settled in bed whilst mum cannot be arsed to get off the game and leave her daughter in bed. This is just not on, never mind about the dinner.
Apandemicyousay · 23/02/2021 08:01

I don’t really know what streaming is, but is it for fun or is it an income stream? If it’s for fun I’d expect some interaction with my partner as they came home, similar to watching TV ie. switch it off and have a real lchat with them. If it’s some income stream and work, that’s different.

17bluebirds · 23/02/2021 08:08

I'm not sure its something that can easily be turned off, Apandemicyousay.

I'm no expert, but I think other people watch her playing games. So if she stopped as soon as he got in, others would be cross.
If they watch it for entertainment, it would be like the tv show you are in the middle of watching being switched off cos the broadcasters partner came home.
However, I do think OP should consider moving it a but later, when DC are properly asleep, say 9pm.

dementedpixie · 23/02/2021 08:11

he had a key, he can unlock the door himself, he's not helpless

dementedpixie · 23/02/2021 08:15

From OPs posts:
Also, he has his own key. He didn't actually have to knock

He wanted to inconvenience her as she wasn't showing him enough attention! I sometimes forget to unlock the door for dh coming home and somehow dh manages to unlock it himself. I also am often doing an exercise class and shout a hello but don't stop what I'm doing as he's not needy like that

Ileflottante · 23/02/2021 08:20

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Could he also be pissed off that you left a five year old unsupervised whilst you played computer games with headphones on?
Please read the thread. The little boy was in bed. After she had finished her game, the little boy got up and asked for a drink.
Ileflottante · 23/02/2021 08:22

@SakuraEdenSwan1 you can read, right? The OP’s children were in bed while she played her one-hour, pre-planned, weekly game.

The older girl answered the door to OP’s partner because he refused to use the key he had.

The little boy got out of bed after OP has finished her game, to ask for a drink.

Yaya26 · 23/02/2021 08:23

Sorry to be rude but he sounds like a complete a-hole and you sound like you pander to him. You and your children should not have to tiptoe around him. My husband is no angel, nor an I but if he acted like that the roof would lift and he’d be wishing he could do a night shift. Imagine snapping at a child for taking a sandwich. Is it not great to see them with an appetite and eating ? He’s a grown man - make another one!

butterpuffed · 23/02/2021 08:24

@Somethingkindaoooo

Jesus!

It sounds like he was having a bad day and was grumpy.

You need to start a thread for it?

You already said he's not normally like that.

Christ on a bike!

Agree. Seems like a total overreaction to him being like this once re streaming

You said he normally does the meal when you're unwell.

And you said he's normally good with the kids.

Maybe he'd just had a bad day at work, was tired and grumpy fgs.

LakieLady · 23/02/2021 08:26

@Ejkipb

I agree with what people are saying, and that is why I have created the thread. I just needed clarification that it wasn't me being hormonal and overreacting to him being angry.

I agree he has a right to be a bit meffer about the door being locked. And he had a right to stress about my son touching his food.. however the reaction to me being on a game when he got home in my opinion was completely out of order. I just needed clarification of that. Thank you everyone.

Why hasn't he got his own key? He could have let himself in then, at least it would have been one less thing for him to be pissed off about.
Stratfordplace · 23/02/2021 08:30

I’m so pleased another poster asked about the live-streaming. Do you get paid for this op?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2021 08:30

In a few weeks you will have a screaming pooing feed machine attached to you. You won't be necessarily able to greet him at the door with his dinner on the table.

At the best BEST he's lazy and entitled. O want you to open the door and greet me with a kiss and have what I want in for dinner even if I haven't told you what it is. I don't want you to ever be to distracted to do all this. I should be the very most importantest person in your whole life.
Good luck with that in 3-5 weeks time.

SunnySideUp2020 · 23/02/2021 08:30

Sounds like he wanted some attention that evening or was looking forward to have a chat with you... but you didn't answer his call and didn't open the door for him or come say hello.
I don't think this is about dinner or missing chicken. He was just annoyed that you prioritised your stream over him.
Had a little needy moment I'd say.

As for snapping at your son, it happens. He was feeling frustrated and the kid eating his sandwich made it worse. Calling him an abuser over that is a bit much. Parents can lose their shit sometimes. We are not robots.

That being said, i would expect him to calm down, realise he's been a bit of a diva, that you are pregnant with spd (so not fun days- currently going through the same. My sympathy) and allowed to have a hobby, your son didn't take food out of his mouth and the world hasn't ended because he was by himself when he came back from work. He should apologise for being a dick.
If he insists that you are at fault or cannot admit he overeacted, i would really watch for red flags from now on...

But otherwise, anyone can have a bad day and be an arse sometimes.

PensionsYes · 23/02/2021 08:32

OP - if the roles had been reversed -

would you have shouted at his child and gone off in a (controlling) sulk?

Would you make your wife sleep on the sofa despite all the pain she is in?

I think you might have realised that this behaviour isn’t normal - it’s a lot to get your head around. Don’t let him trample you. At the point you’re ready - you will be able to up and leave.

I hope the birth goes well OP. The great thing about SPD is it disappears when you give birth. The end of that at least is in sight!

LakieLady · 23/02/2021 08:33

Apologies, somehow overlooked the posts about the key.

Anyone who stands outside their own house, waiting for someone to let them in, when they have a perfectly good key and could open the door themselves is simply odd, imo.

It maybe ok if they have their hands full of precariously balanced shopping or something, but otherwise, it's weird.

Grenlei · 23/02/2021 08:35

I doubt the OP is paid for streaming - very few gamers earn money from it, you need huge numbers of subscribers to do so, and to spend a lot more time on it than 1 hour a week.

It seems a bit sad to me to pack the kids off to bed where they clearly weren't anywhere near asleep just so the OP could stream. Nothing against gaming per se, but I think the whole streaming thing is really the preserve of childfree teenagers and 20somethings.

Cam77 · 23/02/2021 08:39

"He streams himself, he did so the other night when I had openly told him I was having a really low evening and felt depressed and anxious.. he went downstairs and streamed for an hour. It just seems very unfair."

Why are you telling us this and not him? Tell him occasionally you might be busy when he walks through the door because you have your own jobs and own life and cannot plan to be sitting waiting for his arrival like a wife out of the 1950s.

Stratfordplace · 23/02/2021 08:45

Grenlei thank you! I’m clueless

user18467425798532 · 23/02/2021 08:46

"Abusive" doesn't mean "hits you and calls you names" , it means using manipulation and intimidation to control you.

Which is what you've described.

VinterKvinna · 23/02/2021 08:46

@ShinyGreenElephant

Someone "lashed out" at my kid just because they were in a mood I would have smashed the bowl of pasta over their head. If hes started being horrible since youre pregnant thats a huge red flag and you want to be very careful
I dont normally react to these types of posts, but seriously- would you really respond with physical violence? Or is this just you saying 'I wouldn't put up with it, and would be very angry and protective '?
TheRebelle · 23/02/2021 08:50

Red flags OP, lots of red flags.

Why have you given up your job instead of leaving your options open by going off sick and then taking maternity leave?

Why do you have to speak on the phone when he’s on his way home?

Why doesn’t he let himself in?

The children aren’t his, your youngest is four and you’re pregnant again already?

He suggested the streaming then is annoyed you’ve done it, gaslighting?

He’s annoyed because the exact type of chicken he wanted wasn’t in the fridge?

They’re all little things on their own but they add up to a picture of something bigger.

I’d really be making sure you’re financially independent of him and have family or a friend you can go to stay with if needs be, this relationship doesn’t sound healthy.

FilthyforFirth · 23/02/2021 08:55

I think you both sound in the wrong to be honest. Him for expecting to be treated like a king upon his arrival and you for sending a small child to answer a front door at night time. Seriously, who does that? Shocking.