Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

[ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown]

I don't want to jump with this but OP I'm sure you know pregnancy is the top time for a partner to start to become abusive.

[Biffbaff]

And you're sleeping on the sofa at 37 weeks pregnant with SPD? And he's letting you do that? He's a twat OP. It's not rude to say a quick hi in the middle of something when your partner gets home, far from it.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op

Why are you defending your Partner so much then?
saying he is not entitled or a Arse.!


I amagine the reason why in your eyes, he does not come across as being like that.!

Is cause he is so used to having his own way most /lot of time,and you acting like his mother doing stuff,run off your feet)for him at home.

He takes you for granted and gets irritated, if house hold chores do not run like clock work, etc.

[Ejkipb]

No, my little boy wasn't downstairs when I put my headphones on, he was downstairs earlier in the day when I went up to put washing on. When I put the headphones on to do the stream my little boy was in bed. He only got out to come see me and then followed me down to get a drink. My daughter was in her room and when he knocked I asked her to let him in as I knew it was him. I would never put headphones on and leave my children wandering the house. My headphones also do not cancel out the noise. I can still hear everything hense how I heard him knock. I wasn't talkative with them on as people watching the stream can hear me speaking so I was trying to just talk about the game. I did acknowledge him and did have a small conversation about a game he has. Just wasn't as chatty as I usually would be that's all.

[ktp100]

This isn't normal, sorry.

You do have the choice to put up with it or not, OP. I'd have to tell him he was acting like a twat, at the very least.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Your Partner sounds like a manipulative control freak underming your self esteem /relantship.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I am a gamer. Putting that out there now.

However.....

If I have read correctly you have a 7 and 4 year old who were upstairs but you had a head seat on?Went to unlock the door to potentially....who? Did they know it was him? Did you? Did you even hear the door?

As I say, I am a gamer but there is no way I would use a head set in that situation.

[Ejkipb]

If you read my other replies you will see the answer to all of that.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

X post

Still wouldnt use a head set unless there was another adult in the house. And I wouldnt want either of them answering the door, how did you know it was him? Did you actually see it was him?

That said, he suggests you do something and then gets arsey when you following his suggestion leads to a minor inconvenience to him? Tell him to get his arse on the sofa and not yours.

[Ejkipb]

Just to clarify again for anyone thinking I put a headset on and allowed my daughter to answer the door without my saying so....

My head set is NOT noise cancelling, I have it so low that I can still hear the hamster rummaging around in his cage in the next room.. I speak on it to my stream but noone talks back therefore I don't need volume. Just the mic aspect..
My children were both in their rooms. My son in bed, my daughter watching TV. I heard the door, and I knew he was due home any minute so I asked my daughter to get the door. Again.... I can hear everything as she opens the door.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Agree with others: this is not normal or healthy. His weird hang-up about you having to be "available" for him when he steps over the threshold, and your seeming acceptance that you have transgressed.

It's totally not normal for a woman to believe she has to put every part of her life on hold when her husband returns. Even in the 1950s women wouldn't routinely have behaved like that.

You say he's not normally entitled or an arse: I have no way of knowing if that's true or if your standards are a bit out of whack. I do know that if you tolerate this sort of shit it will get worse.

[Ejkipb]

I agree with what people are saying, and that is why I have created the thread. I just needed clarification that it wasn't me being hormonal and overreacting to him being angry.

I agree he has a right to be a bit meffer about the door being locked. And he had a right to stress about my son touching his food.. however the reaction to me being on a game when he got home in my opinion was completely out of order. I just needed clarification of that. Thank you everyone.

[nopulp]

At 37 weeks pregnant with SPD my dh was coming home to me in bed, making dinner for my kids and tidying up.

[Symbion]

Crosspost on your son. Think I would leave any uninterruptible gaming to when the children are both properly settled for the night myself. Maybe when he encouraged you he hadn"t anticipated juggling both kids being up and him trying to cook while you were doing it.

Anyway it's a good opportunity for an honest discussion of what things are going to be like once the baby arrives. Our eldest was colicky, DH used to come home to 6 hours of screaming every night!

[MrJollyLivesNextDoor]

Well I am old (50) and quite lazy but if I was at home all day (children or not) I would make dinner for my partner - regardless of whether I was live streaming whatever that is. Dinner would consist of the same meal that me and the children had eaten.

Am I missing something?

[WinterSunglasses]

Go and get into your bed so you can be comfortable. You don't have to speak to him or have a row. If he says anything say it's best to sleep on it all now and talk in the morning. But don't stay on the sofa in pain, that's unfair.

[Ejkipb]

He sounds amazing. Huge amount of respect for that.. he has come home from work before and helped with housework and the kids when I have had an awful day.. This is what I mean by he's not entitled.. this is why I am so shocked that he's reacted like this. If he came home and I was in bed I'll he would help anyway he could. But he's come home to me streaming on a game. this is what seems to have triggered all of this.

[Ejkipb]

People commenting about how 'if I was at home all day id make him dinner' please read the entire post. I usually do! But the children had their tea whilst we were out at the park and I have nausea today that is so bad I haven't had tea myself due to the thought of being around food making me want to throw up. I don't feel like this is something to focus on here? I've already said I almost always have his tea ready. You're missing the point of the post.

[namechange30455]

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Well I am old (50) and quite lazy but if I was at home all day (children or not) I would make dinner for my partner - regardless of whether I was live streaming whatever that is. Dinner would consist of the same meal that me and the children had eaten.

Am I missing something?

Would your partner huff about in a mood and snap at a 4 year old kid if you didn't one time, because you were unwell and/or had taken one hour out of a busy week to socialise?

If he would then he's just as abusive as OP's partner.

[Ejkipb]

In reply to Symbion. He wasn't juggling any children. As I said above... My daughter was in her room watching TV (settled for the night, she only went down to let him in and came straight back up) my son was in bed until he came in and asked me for a drink (he then followed me down to get a drink, and went to grab the sandwich whilst I was making his drink.. I had ended the stream at this point) ..

[DeeCeeCherry]

Bloody hell, sounds like living at home with your parents. I couldn't be asked to be subjected to any man's moods and rules. Life's too precious and short.

I was never expected to cook during late pregnancy. If I'd had a tough day H would cook something quickly when he got back from work. It's not rocket science - millions of women who work outside the home still cook when they get in, if they have to.

[Fiona2020]

Well I’m sure he knows where the supermarket is. He can go buy his sodding chicken

[Mamanyt]

If this is a one-off, fine and well. Something happened at work, he came home in a foul mood, and snapped at his family. Not a good thing, but not terribly unusual (regretfully). But do keep an eye out. If this becomes a pattern, you may want to seek couples counseling, or rethink your marriage entirely.

You are neither a housemaid nor a house pet, to greet him at the door with a wagging tail and all his needs met before he can ask. You are a partner, and you deserve respect and consideration.

[starfishmummy]

Think I would leave any uninterruptible gaming to when the children are both properly settled for the night myself.

This. I certainly wouldnt be sending a 4yo to answer the door at 8.30!!

[2020iscancelled]

BIG MASSIVE RED FLAG

Your partner has started to turn nasty now you’re pregnant.

That is a classic sign of escalating abuse.

Your partner was furious - your words - that you arranged to do something which interrupted your usual schedule. As you say, this was the FIRST time you did it, and he is furious with you.
Enough to lash out - again, your words - at your child.
This is really significant OP - you’re stepping out of line and he is putting you clearly back in place, he is willing to use anger and shaming to do it.

You say you don’t know how the situation has escalated- it hasn’t escalated, that would imply that situation is beyond anyone’s control. But it’s not, HE has controlled the situation and ensured that it goes to this extent. It’s not accidentally escalated, he has forced it.

Whatever you did it was always going to end up like this, as he simply wasn’t happy with you from the get go.

He sounds vile tbh.

Let’s be honest, isn’t it worrying that your partner expects you to be waiting at the door like a skivvy, tea on the table and all attention on him, when you’ve got a baby on the way who will take up ooohhh 95% of your time. As babies do.