Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

Omg when you said he was "locked out" I thought you meant that the door was double locked for safety purposes, ie he couldn't use his key and had to be let in.

But actually he had his key the whole time? Why on earth does he expect to be able to open the front door without one? That is ridiculous!

The dynamic here is all wrong. I agree with pps that the fact you are walking on eggshells around him is troubling, him being in the game chat is controlling of him, you knowing that if you displease him it would set the mood, he doesn't like something so you blame yourself and look for ways to change things.

He is the one in the wrong here OP. You shouldn't have to change your behaviours just because he doesn't like them. In a healthy relationship none of this would be a problem. I don't necessarily agree with the pp who predicted violence next time but I do think you should look up signs of emotional abuse/coercive control and see if that resonates with you.

Wait he HAD his key? That's mental.

OP said she isn't expected to go greet him at the door - but that makes it sounds like she actually is.

Is it possible he knew that you were streaming so intentionally knocked on the door as a power play? To see if you would jump when he knocked.

Then he got stroppy because your focus was actually on other people & you were having fun without (or despite) him

@Ejkipb

He doesn't have abusive behaviours.. this is my primary concern, he is one of those people that doesn't like to be ignored, and doesn't like to have to repeat himself etc. That's just him as a person, but he's not abusive by any measure. He's actually very supportive usually if i've needed him to be.. he just hasn't been today and that's why I've felt the need to post this as I don't understand if I'm reading too much in to it.

But this is pretty unpleasant, borderline abusive...

I'm sure no one 'likes' to be ignored...

But ignoring you, by not speaking to you for this 'slieght' of not giving him a "nice welcome home '.... When you're unwell and are normally busy.... And was just having an hour off, that he ENCOURAGED you to do...
This is mad...

If my partner said this to me I'd assume he was joking... Because he would be...

But to do this to this extent is not good.

It IS entitled and demanding..

Pre covid I would speak to my dh on his way home. When he gets in the kids would usually pounce on him for hugs and kisses and so would I. He always greets me when I get in from work, sometimes he is busy and not immediately which has never been a problem for me and vice versa. I always lock the front door and he would open it from the other side. My dd always seems to want what I eat, I do find it annoying but at 4 nearly 5 she will ask permission and I wouldn't deny her another chip or bit of rice from her mummy's plate. Lashing our verbally at a small child for this would piss me off.

I don't see an issue with streaming after your kids were in bed, you are allowed to have a life. For me the biggest issue is that his behaviour was not OK. Having to cook his own tea once in a while shouldn't be a big deal, nor should a child having a bite of his sandwich or having to wait for someone to open the door. I would be wanting an apology. The one thing that didn't help was you acknowledging that you won't game at that time because you want to be able to greet him when he gets home. Are you a stepford wife? Your acknowledging it has compounded in his head that he has something to be upset about, he doesn't. You were busy one night it doesn't make you a crap partner. What about when your baby comes and you are changing a nappy or in the middle of a feed and too busy to greet him or make his tea?

Was he having a bad day!
I would of walked out the door and left for quite sometime.
How will he cope when you are ore occupied with the baby?
This is a Pull your head in Mate! for your husband

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

I don't want to jump with this but OP I'm sure you know pregnancy is the top time for a partner to start to become abusive.

Yes it’s interesting you say his attitude towards you changed when you got pregnant OP. This is not good at all

This whole thing is odd.
He was on the stream with you, whilst at work, then left work, tried to phone you , even though he knew you were still on the stream, then got home, all within 30 mins.

Then he didn't have a key to get into his own house, so had to be let in by your dd.

Then you had a short conversation ehilst you were on the stream, he went to cook pasta, with a sandwich (odd combination) by which time you were downstairs with your ds.
So the time he was on his own couldn't have been more then 20 mins!
I'm sure an adult can cope with being alone for 20 mins.
It is all very odd.

I would be annoyed if my partner had locked me out, failed to adequately supervise young children so they could play computer games and expected young children to go and unlock an external door alone.

It would make me question what the usual supervision is like when I’m not at home.

Computer games are for when young children are either in bed or being supervised by another adult.

Firstly yabu for the phrase "full time mum" all mothers are full time even if they work, but that's by the by

Secondly yanbu, his attitude is appalling and if I were you I would be planning my return to work ASAP as he clearly believes that by funding the fans lies lifestyle you are his servant.

Do not accept this. What you don't challenge in relationships you reinforce by accepting.

His behaviour is unacceptable- have a frank discussion about you being a SAHM
and ensure it's a fair joint one which you both agree on with rules.

You both deserve free time

OP reading this post, I felt tense and uncomfortable.

You have 2 young kids to take care of and are 37 wks pregnant with complications: your husband should be taking care of you right now, not making you feel bad and sleep on the sofa.

I hope you got into your bed and got a decent nights' sleep in the end. He should be appalled at his own entitled, selfish behaviour. I hope he realises this and apologises to you.

This said, if I was you I might have just texted him earlier in the evening and said 'remember i'm doing that thing at x time this evening so hope you get home ok, I will chat to you when i'm done. There is x,y,z you can make yourself for tea' - he might have been mardy as he'd forgotten? Not that that's a reason to be a dick though.

Also if someone ate my food I would not be happy especially if I had just made it and they had just had their tea, this is unacceptable behaviour from any child over 4 years old in my personal opinion but not worth verbal abuse but I would give a punishment (iPad withdrawn etc)

I work shifts and plan all the meals and make sure to plan easy dinners on the 2 days a week where I know I'll be at work. If I'm honest, if I came home at 9pm after a horrible shift, had to wait to get in, the kids were still up and tea wasn't ready I wouldn't be the nicest person in the world, especially if my DH was playing a computer game. It doesn't sound like that's quite the situation because he had a key and there was a tea. I am absolutely hopeless after a shift, I have enough energy to put uniform in washing, shower and climb into bed. I would definitely shout at DS (4) if he was mucking about in the kitchen and eating my tea.

@typicalvalues

Oh I have had. But I recognise control when I see it. It will only get worse and it WILL get violent.

All of us who have been through "normal" arguments and abusive, controlling behavior are cringing right now.

Red flags all over the place, OP.
You’re not married, you’re not working, your have children and are pregnant. Who owns the house you live in? Do you have money of your own/financially independent or do you rely on him for everything? You’re in a very vulnerable position OP and should try to think about how you can look after yourself and children.

Just re reading your original post, it is this bit that makes me feel particularly uncomfortable:

^^When I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home.

You 'shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home'? WTAF? That is mental.

As soon as you can, go back to work, get some independence back in your life. Do you have friends and family close by OP? Hopefully you do, and when the kids are back at school and the baby is born you can spend time with them while he is out at work. In other words keep reaching out and make sure you have a life outside of your home/family life. Don't let him isolate you.

Not the point of the thread, but I wondered too about how he could watch the streaming and make live comments while travelling home and fixing and eating his strange combination dinner of pasta and sandwich.
He is quite the multi-tasker.

But generally, I found the whole thing sinister.
I also knew before we were told that the other children weren't his.

I can't ever imagine shouting at a 4-year old for eating a sandwich.

It wouldn't matter what kind of say I'd had, or how hungry I was. I'd be concerned the 4-year old had gone to bed hungry and offer him the sandwich and make another one.

I also worry about the way the OP appears to have given up her job. There was no talk of maternity leave and going back afterwards.

I'm concerned at the lack of awareness about the insecurity of her position as an unmarried mother of 3 (2 to a previous relationship) with this man.
Vulnerable. These men don't like having physically ill, anxious or depressed women as partners either. The empathy just isn't there.

So you apologised to him before he even said anything, for something prearranged that he suggested?

Why couldn’t he have asked if anyone else would like a sandwich while he was making one?
He’s started to suggest you take a bath in the evening?

There are some red flags here. He shouldn’t be snapping at you for doing something he suggested you do in the first place; were you only supposed to do it if it didn’t inconvenience him? Was it some kind of test that in his eyes you’ve failed? Be careful here, as people said, abusive behaviour can escalate when you’re pregnant. It could be a complete one off and a bad day or it could be the start of something worse. Don’t dismiss behaviour like this, you have nothing to apologise for.

He sounds like a twat and you sound like a slave, imagine when the baby arrives and you can't jump up and greet him etc and your focus is fully on the baby.

Cant see this lasting with such a man child.

Ok, I am old . What exactly is "live streaming"?
Clearly it isn't watching Netflix, and I am not at all familiar with online gaming.

@ChippyChickenChips

Get off the fucking computer. I'd be annoyed if I had to knock to get through my own front door.

Take a fucking key with you then

Jesus!

It sounds like he was having a bad day and was grumpy.

You need to start a thread for it?

You already said he's not normally like that.

Christ on a bike!

It doesn't read like you and this current boyfriend have been together very long. I would never be in your situation but I honestly wouldn't allow a boyfriend to shout at a 4-year-old. It just isn't fair.

If you're saying he had been perfect up to the point you wanted a baby with him then you need to handle him very carefully if he is getting like this during pregnancy.