Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

[Ejkipb]

@RavingAnnie

But you need to have the discussion. Because his expectations are unreasonable and if you don't challenge them this way I'll keep happening. Personally I would just keep it very simple and be very clear: "I will not be there to greet you every evening so please don't expect that. I may be busy or want to do other things. It's an unreasonable expectation that I am available when you walk through the door from work and I won't commit to it."

I don't quite understand why you locked the door but if there is a good reason simply say that on repeat.

If he starts to get very angry/shouty, be ready and prepared to walk away. Tell him you won't engage unless he can discuss the matter civilly. Walk away also if you feel yourself getting upset.

Hold your nerve, be clear, be firm. Don't back down or get upset or angry.

My DH is lovely and super supportive. But sometimes he can be very unreasonable and stubborn. I find the above technique most effective at getting through to him. The walking away is important as otherwise they can draw you into a heated argument with their unreasonable stubbornness.

Don't let it lie as you are validating his unreasonableness. Good luck.

I will try that tomorrow. Thank you for your advice.

[JustLyra]

Be very careful here @Ejkipb

It might be a bad day, but there are a lot of things you’ve said about his expectations when he gets home from work that could be red flags.

He shouldn’t be taking his bad mood out on a 4yo. And it’s no drama to have to wait a few seconds to open the door that’s locked because if having a small child - especially if he could have used his key.

The fact you are nervous about bringing it up isn’t a good sign. You should be able to talk to your partner about things you disagree on.

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

Snapping at a four year old is bullying behaviour. He has so much more power than your four year old, it's really not ok to do that.

He is being emotionally abusive. You should your tongue and avoid raising anything with him because he'll overreact and turn it into an argument. What a great way to train you not to question him and control your behaviour.

Absolutely ridiculous not to just use his key and let himself in. Ridiculous not to just say 'oi, that's my sandwich.' without getting cross. Ridiculous to sulk and seethe over your wife not abandoning her hobby to 'greet' you at the door every day.

What kind of environment is this for your children?

[PurpleRainDancer]

@ShinyGreenElephant

Someone "lashed out" at my kid just because they were in a mood I would have smashed the bowl of pasta over their head. If hes started being horrible since youre pregnant thats a huge red flag and you want to be very careful

He’s a spoiled brat. Take care OP don’t let him treat you or your children like this

[PurpleRainDancer]

Meant to say completely agree with @ShinyGreenElephant

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

Could he also be pissed off that you left a five year old unsupervised whilst you played computer games with headphones on?

[TurquoiseDragon]

@Ejkipb

He's not normally man of the year no, and I am nervous about speaking to him about all of this tomorrow.. but not because I'm scared, but because I don't want the argument that I know it will turn in to.. at the end of the day he thinks that I am wrong for doing my scheduled stream at the time he happens to finish work (which changes weekly, my stream time does not) .. He is also unhappy that the door was locked and so he had to knock. It's cold, I get that.. I also know that if he was not annoyed by me not answering the phone and being on my stream, he would not have been so annoyed about the locked door or the lack of chicken. However, me bringing this up in the morning will only cause him to reiterate the fact that I was rude for doing the stream. And yet I don't believe that I was. And so it won't be solved. It's a revolving door that I don't want to get caught in.

This, and this...

But today was just so different. And the only difference from my part is that I hadn't not done it because I'm I'll or tired, but because I was doing something I enjoy and that's where the problem has stemmed from.

...is rather telling.

OP, this is your first pregnancy with him, and abuse frequently begins at a time a man thinks he has the woman trapped, such as pregnancy. And abuse isn't always what you think it might be.

You seem to be treading on eggshells, on reading your posts. Not a good sign.

And it's all very telling that he was present when you arranged the livestream yet he now goes on about you being rude, etc when he knew very well that you were going to be livestreaming.

One night a week getting his own tea isn't going to kill him. And maybe it's an idea that he has his own key.

And he should be on the couch, you should be in bed, if that's more comfortable.

I'd be wary of this bloke, red flags are emerging, especially that he's lashing out at your son.

[Sally2791]

He sounds vile,he seems to think you are there to meet all his needs and pander to him. I agree red flags are emerging, be vigilant.

[MouthAche]

The kids are 7 and 4 and they answered the door to him at 9pm.. And he was mad at that


I would be mad at that as well !!

[RantyAnty]

How long have you been together?

Does he realise how rude he is being to be furious and stomp around telling people off for some very minor inconveniences to him?

You mentioned that since you became pregnant he bites at you about things. What kind of things?

[Cokie3]

OP, why are you with him? He sounds like a vile, misogynist grub. I'd throw his tea at him and tell him to get the eff out.

[Cokie3]

But once something annoys him it's so hard to deal with him. It's like everything else is magnified and so much worse to him.

He CANNOT AFFORD TO BE LIKE THAT when he has 2 children and a pregnant partner, soon to be 2 children and a newborn. He HAS to find a different way of coping. His behaviour is fine if he is on his own, but as he is part of a family, he needs to be mature enough to not take out everything on people around him. He sounds very emotionally immature and lacking skills an adult needs.

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

If DH sent dd7 from her bed downstairs at 8.30 to open the door to me because he was on the computer I'd be pissed off.

[MonkeyNotOrgangrinder]

Is everyone missing that this man only had to wait for the child to open the door because for some reason he didn't use his key (which he had with him)

Sounds to me like he was eager to manufacture something to be angry at.

He doesn't like you doing the livestream, is the inescapable conclusion

[typicalvalues]

I knew before it was asked that they were not his children. This is his first experience of pregnancy and guess what? He. does. not. like it. Neither does he like you having a life of your own. I can guarantee you now, that the next sign you will get that he is abusive will be a smack in the mouth. Head shoved into saucepan perhaps. Thrown against a wall. Thrown onto bed. You won't do anything though as he's already in control of you. Just warning you. Do with that information what you wish.

[typicalvalues]

It's almost cut and dye behaviour. It is abusive behaviour 101. You've had your warning. You won't get a second. Your head will be smashed in.

[Drivingmecrazy2021]

So what worries me the most is that there is indications in this post that you are in an abusive relationship physically or otherwise and I am not someone in here who jumps to that conclusion easily. However what jumps at me the most is the first thing you did when the zoom meet ended was say “ I won’t do that again etc “ you were already very aware that he was not going to be happy and automatically tried to smooth things for something that actually shouldn’t be an issue.

[typicalvalues]

Does he drink alcohol at all?

[WhoWh0]

He had a key?

He stood there and waited in the cold when he had a key?

I would not cop any attitude in the slightest if my OH whinged about having to put his hand in his pocket to get out his key because I had locked the door due to everyone being upstairs. What a tosser....

[Woebegonad]

So - you've quit your job, you're not married, you've two young kids from a previous relationship and you're 37 weeks pregnant to a chippy, moody, nasty asshole?

It's like Relationships Board Bingo.

[vixxau]

If my husband was game enough to say that to me he'd be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of his (short) life!

[Sapho47]

@typicalvalues

It's almost cut and dye behaviour. It is abusive behaviour 101. You've had your warning. You won't get a second. Your head will be smashed in.

:/


People of this view do you never ever have an argument or raised voices with anyone in your life

[typicalvalues]

Oh I have had. But I recognise control when I see it. It will only get worse and it WILL get violent.

[Happyhappyday]

So there are several red flags for abuse here:

-change in behavior since becoming pregnant
-you leaving your job to become sahp and losing independence
-there are children in the home that are not his (increases your chance of being abused physically)
-being in the chat for the game you’re playing- feels a lot like monitoring your behavior.

His reaction to your son taking his sandwich is... not normal. I literally cannot imagine my husband yelling at any child about a sandwich... no matter how hungry he was. Like ever. That’s not normal or ok.

His reaction to you not being immediately available also not normal.

I would honestly suggest you call a domestic violence helpline, be as honest as you can about your situation and try and really listen to what they have to say. His behavior is not normal, it is not in the realms of normal and as several PPs have said, there are clear signs of escalating danger, for you.

[gutful]

I will preface this by saying I dislike "gamers"

What jumps out at me is the OP is usually expected to have a phone conversation with the partner while he is on his way home, then he has to have the after work greeting & usual meal being made. It's a lot of fuss to make over someone each & every day.

That to me would feel really suffocating & controlling.

It sounds like he was in a strop because the OP was having fun & distracted. If she has taken ill to bed then he is OK to make his own dinner. But because she has chosen to engage with another activity then he got upset.

Also it sounds like there WAS dinner - there was pasta.

I do agree being locked out of the house is not fun. But then that contradicts what the OP says that she isn't expected to greet him at the door.

She did mention that she is expected to give him a kiss hello, which (being Sicilian) I understand on a cultural level. But not when it's the after work call as well.

It sounds like the partner really needs the OP's focus to be on him & feel very important when he comes home.