Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

[Ejkipb]

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

BIG MASSIVE RED FLAG

Your partner has started to turn nasty now you’re pregnant.

That is a classic sign of escalating abuse.

Your partner was furious - your words - that you arranged to do something which interrupted your usual schedule. As you say, this was the FIRST time you did it, and he is furious with you.
Enough to lash out - again, your words - at your child.
This is really significant OP - you’re stepping out of line and he is putting you clearly back in place, he is willing to use anger and shaming to do it.

You say you don’t know how the situation has escalated- it hasn’t escalated, that would imply that situation is beyond anyone’s control. But it’s not, HE has controlled the situation and ensured that it goes to this extent. It’s not accidentally escalated, he has forced it.

Whatever you did it was always going to end up like this, as he simply wasn’t happy with you from the get go.

He sounds vile tbh.

Let’s be honest, isn’t it worrying that your partner expects you to be waiting at the door like a skivvy, tea on the table and all attention on him, when you’ve got a baby on the way who will take up ooohhh 95% of your time. As babies do.

It's also hypocritical of your husband to show how pissed off he is about being treated "rudely" by... being rude to everyone And as other pps have said he is in for a massive shock when he gets home to a baby!

Are you from a middle class backgroud OP?

This is my point. He doesn't expect it, if he came home and I was lying on the sofa or in bed or whatever because I was so tired or because of the pregnancy etc. He would usually happily help out. It has happened before where I have been really tired or ill and he's come home and done loads to help. Even settled the kids. But today was just so different. And the only difference from my part is that I hadn't not done it because I'm I'll or tired, but because I was doing something I enjoy and that's where the problem has stemmed from. It doesn't seem right or fair. 99.9% of my time goes to the kids anyway, and the other 1% I'm catching up on housework or getting a bath.. this is something I've started recently after his advice.. and it's the only thing I do just for me, that I enjoy. I used to work 50 hours a week, until this pregnancy.. and it's been hard adjusting.. so I'm enjoying having something back that isn't just running this house.. esspecially given that very soon there's going to be another child in the house for me to take care of and I probably will have to stop the streams then all together. It just doesn't seem right. I understand that he felt I had been rude but I don't understand how angry he got.

@Mamanyt

If this is a one-off, fine and well. Something happened at work, he came home in a foul mood, and snapped at his family. Not a good thing, but not terribly unusual (regretfully). But do keep an eye out. If this becomes a pattern, you may want to seek couples counseling, or rethink your marriage entirely.

You are neither a housemaid nor a house pet, to greet him at the door with a wagging tail and all his needs met before he can ask. You are a partner, and you deserve respect and consideration.

This

Abuse can start in pregnancy so given this is your first with him, and you're now financially dependent on him, I'd keep a watch for red flags, and ensure that you and the three kids always have an option available.

7 to answering the door alone? Not cool but he doesn't seem to care about that
Door locked from the inside? Yes v annoying. Child touching your food - told off yes but no one deserves being screamed at.

You not there to greet him like a good little wifey and ask about his day and generally make him feel that the purpose of your whole day is to greet him at the door like a good little wifey? Utterly ridiculous.

How will he react if he comes homes and you're on the bed mid feed? Or just stuck under a sleeping baby or mid resolution on a Poonami baby?

It isn't rude to be busy when someone else walks in and to offer a quick hello.

If you're doing the whole headphones thing, did he not think it through and is worried you're talking to Other Men?!

That could be the case.

Especially as thw op said he might have been annoyed by something that was said in the stream which impies he might be watching/reading it.

Although I suppose the op could start selling her gamer girl bathwater and hire a private chef

This doesn't sound good OP🤔
he has his abusive behaviour escalated during your pregnancy?

I knew he was watching the stream as he was commenting in the live chat responding to others and seeming to be having a laugh.. 🤔
If only! 😅 I don't think that would sell very well haha but I'll keep it in mind 😅

He doesn't have abusive behaviours.. this is my primary concern, he is one of those people that doesn't like to be ignored, and doesn't like to have to repeat himself etc. That's just him as a person, but he's not abusive by any measure. He's actually very supportive usually if i've needed him to be.. he just hasn't been today and that's why I've felt the need to post this as I don't understand if I'm reading too much in to it.

Ok so he's normally man of the year. So you need to ask him tomorrow what was going on - how he shouted at your son, how he spoke to you. Make it clear that you are not a puppy to be waiting on the doorstep and he's capable of making his own dinner. Within a month you're going to be far too busy to pander to his inner Princess and he needs to understand that.
As he's not abusive there's presumably no concerns from you about explaining this all to him

Demanding that the attention is on him and that you cant be distracted by something else is abusive. Insisting he won't tell you twice is demeaning and belittling. He snapped at your child because he was a little annoyed at you. What happens to your kids if he really gets mad?

The 50s called, they want your husband back

He's not normally man of the year no, and I am nervous about speaking to him about all of this tomorrow.. but not because I'm scared, but because I don't want the argument that I know it will turn in to.. at the end of the day he thinks that I am wrong for doing my scheduled stream at the time he happens to finish work (which changes weekly, my stream time does not) .. He is also unhappy that the door was locked and so he had to knock. It's cold, I get that.. I also know that if he was not annoyed by me not answering the phone and being on my stream, he would not have been so annoyed about the locked door or the lack of chicken. However, me bringing this up in the morning will only cause him to reiterate the fact that I was rude for doing the stream. And yet I don't believe that I was. And so it won't be solved. It's a revolving door that I don't want to get caught in.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Well I am old (50) and quite lazy but if I was at home all day (children or not) I would make dinner for my partner - regardless of whether I was live streaming whatever that is. Dinner would consist of the same meal that me and the children had eaten.

Am I missing something?

Sometimes I can’t be arsed to cook. My husband has a choice as to whether to feed himself or go without.

I wouldn’t change a set plan to feed my perfectly capable husband.

I can't imagine being stuck on a computer when my children are around. I'd prefer to have a nice dinner ready. Not because I have to. I would want to. Computers games are the wreckage of family life

He would never in a million years hurt one of my children, that I am 100% certain of. He shouted at my son because he was stressed already and my son went to take his sandwich. He didn't abuse him. Every parent has been there. I'm not okay with it but I myself have snapped (shouted) at the kids when they've done something they know they shouldn't and I'm already stressed. (Usually because of them tbh 🤣 but irrelevant..) doesn't make me abusive or suggest that if I get stressed in the future I'm going to harm them.... !

I'm not trying to defend him but that notion doesn't make sense. It's rash.

I will speak to him in the morning and attempt to come to some sort of conclusion... But from what I can foresee he will be adamant that I shouldn't have been on the stream and I will be adamant that I did nothing wrong. Esspecially given I apologized as I felt rude despite it being a pre-organized thing.. we'll see.. again.. thank you for everyone's advice.

Get off the fucking computer. I'd be annoyed if I had to knock to get through my own front door.

If he's as good as you say normally the you might need to monitor the situation. Some men can turn once there partners are dependent, pregnant, vulnerable. It sounds a bit like the household is starting to be unbalanced by revolving around his needs, wants and moods. It's not healthy for one person to set the emotional tone. It's your and your kids lives too. Don't let him turn your home into a mini dictatorship.

@ChippyChickenChips

I can't imagine being stuck on a computer when my children are around. I'd prefer to have a nice dinner ready. Not because I have to. I would want to. Computers games are the wreckage of family life

It’s an hour a week, she’s hardly neglecting her kids.

I go out with my mates (outside of lockdown) a couple of times a month. I’m out for at least 6 hours without the kids! I also go to the shops alone sometimes. My DH goes fishing.

We abandon the children for our own selfish pleasures. Big deal.

Chippychicken.. if you read the entire thread.. I spent the entire day with my children (park, homework, colouring, playing netball), as I always do...... it wasn't until they were in bed that I did my stream, it was in my bed via a tablet.. no different to parents watching TV or reading when their kids go to bed... It isn't wrong to do something yourself once your kids are in their rooms. It's that kind of view that causes depression in parents..

@Ejkipb

Chippychicken.. if you read the entire thread.. I spent the entire day with my children (park, homework, colouring, playing netball), as I always do...... it wasn't until they were in bed that I did my stream, it was in my bed via a tablet.. no different to parents watching TV or reading when their kids go to bed... It isn't wrong to do something yourself once your kids are in their rooms. It's that kind of view that causes depression in parents..

Don’t explain yourself!!!

@Ejkipb can he not open the door from outside with a key?

I don't know what your lifestyle is like chippychicken, but you've jumped on my post, where everyone else has given constructive advice.. and you've got the wrong idea, suggested I neglect my kids or family for a pc screen, (that I literally do once a week for an hour!!) .. and swore on my feed already. I don't think you're the right person to give advice. Also, he has his own key. He didn't actually have to knock. A lot of front doors self lock and require a key.. it's not the worst thing in the world!

But you need to have the discussion. Because his expectations are unreasonable and if you don't challenge them this way I'll keep happening. Personally I would just keep it very simple and be very clear: "I will not be there to greet you every evening so please don't expect that. I may be busy or want to do other things. It's an unreasonable expectation that I am available when you walk through the door from work and I won't commit to it."

I don't quite understand why you locked the door but if there is a good reason simply say that on repeat.

If he starts to get very angry/shouty, be ready and prepared to walk away. Tell him you won't engage unless he can discuss the matter civilly. Walk away also if you feel yourself getting upset.

Hold your nerve, be clear, be firm. Don't back down or get upset or angry.

My DH is lovely and super supportive. But sometimes he can be very unreasonable and stubborn. I find the above technique most effective at getting through to him. The walking away is important as otherwise they can draw you into a heated argument with their unreasonable stubbornness.

Don't let it lie as you are validating his unreasonableness. Good luck.