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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
SnoozyBoozy · 23/02/2021 16:40

@Itchywitchy

This was over ten years ago, he won't even remember it (and I certainly won't be reminding him of it). As far as I'm aware it was just on the bank documents to allow him to take the mortgage out.
I don't earn very much at all and our mortgage lenders have always said it's worth taking my earnings into account as they're so small comparatively.

But I am on the mortgage in name and the deeds to the house are also in my name. So saying you can't be on the mortgage or deeds is completely incorrect. When you remortgage, insist on having our name on both.

SnoozyBoozy · 23/02/2021 16:40

sorry, it's NOT* worth taking my earnings into account

Itchywitchy · 23/02/2021 16:44

Is it a big operation to get my name on the mortgage when we remortgage? Or is it a quick change? It's just that I know if it's too much hassle then he will say not to bother.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 23/02/2021 16:45

my god.... this is very frightening ...

OP you have been gas lighted .. manipulated .. financially abused ... 😔

and He has full control of EVERYTHING ...

listen to the advise on here.. please... these posters are very knowledgeable 🌺

Itchywitchy · 23/02/2021 16:45

I will look for the document tonight.

OP posts:
Blockedoff · 23/02/2021 16:46

@Itchywitchy it's irrelevant how much "hassle" it is or it isn't, it's got to be done.

Why don't you deal with the remortgage and deal with the change of ownership?

Is the remortgage because you've come to the end of a rate deal or because you want to borrow additional funds?

Guidebutton · 23/02/2021 16:51

You need legal advice separate from your husband's which you should also have received when you signed the original consent to the mortgage. (The lender usually ensures this happens as if not, the consent is unenforceable).

There will be a cost and it will be less straight forward than just remortgaging as it is, but it's not "difficult" and you absolutely must make sure that it's done. He should want it to be done, to protect you too.

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2021 16:52

@Itchywitchy

Is it a big operation to get my name on the mortgage when we remortgage? Or is it a quick change? It's just that I know if it's too much hassle then he will say not to bother.
No - if you're remortgaging anyway, it's just assessing you both on income/outgoings rather than just him. There will need to be a solicitor associated with getting your name on the deeds, but that's just admin.

If I were you I'd offer to do all the legwork, then it's no "hassle" at all, is it?

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 23/02/2021 16:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 23/02/2021 16:53

I have been a SAHM for over 15 years, I am on the mortgage and the house deeds. I think you have been far too trusting.

And no remortgaging is not hard. I always arrange it through London and Country (L&C) who are a whole market, no fee broker recommended by MoneySavingExpert. They do all the leg work, get in touch with me and I then talk to Dh. We call them back and they do it all for us.

Re shares, why are they all in his name? Even if they are in one name only why are there no shares in your name? I have investments in my sole name as does Dh, I currently have a lot more than he does. This is to show me how much he trusts me and how much I should trust him.

If you are the one responsible for the finances then they should be in your sole name or joint names with you having easy access that doesn't involve going through your Dh.

LubaLuca · 23/02/2021 16:59

You need to be more ballsy all round. Do your own research - if something sounds unlikely, check it for yourself. Get your finances back on track and don't let yourself be put in such a precarious position again

Aprilx · 23/02/2021 17:01

@Itchywitchy

Is it a big operation to get my name on the mortgage when we remortgage? Or is it a quick change? It's just that I know if it's too much hassle then he will say not to bother.
It drives me batty when people decide to even up the finances and first thing they ask about is getting onto the mortgage!

Mortgage is the loan that was used to buy the house, it isn’t the house itself. It is the house deeds you want to get on not the mortgage, obviously only fair to be on both but think about the asset not just the liability.

combatbarbie · 23/02/2021 17:07

My husband is on our mortgage and deeds, he is self employed but only just started so his income was put as £0.

The signing of this document saying you have no interest in the property is ringing bells far too loudly. Did you sign it at the bank or at home? If the house is due remortgage then you simply put it as a joint application.if I remember correctly there is a fee for the name change on the deeds. I paid approx £1000 15yrs ago when I removed my mum and I took full ownership of that mortgage.

Pansypotter123 · 23/02/2021 17:07

It isn't just the house though. It's all the other finances in his sole name, including stocks and shares. What sort of value are we talking about, @Itchywitchy? And as I asked previously, have you each made a Will? Do you know the contents, if so. Which country do you live in? Sorry if I've missed the replies.

Thethingswedoforlove · 23/02/2021 17:11

I can’t imagine ever being embarrassed by something with my dh. I’m so sorry you feel this. Are you able to discuss it with him at a time unconnected with wanting access? Can you set up a protected something which keeps track of what the passwords are? Or agree a system which you would both know so if a password is changed you know what it is? Eg agreeing one for every letter of the alphabet and if it was one starting with d it would now be the e one or something? There must be a way around this for tou. He needs to be a part of that solution.

Doyoumind · 23/02/2021 17:14

OP it just doesn't feel like your DH is a good man. You absolutely mustn't have your salary paid into an account that you don't even have a card for, never mind all the other issues about access to savings and your name being on the mortgage or deeds. I bet your name isn't on the bills or anything, is it? All these things mean you won't really have a credit rating and that isn't going to be good if you ever do split.

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2021 17:16

Itchy, you're not giving a whole lot of detail - which is your prerogative, but it's unclear to me if your husband IS actually a bit of a controlling bastard, or if it's just that somewhere along the line the financial aspects of how things have been set up have just been mismanaged and misunderstood through ignorance rather than malice.

You say you're generally happy. You say in your opening post that your DH has "lots of" the finance accounts in his name (not all?) and that he's happy for you to check them.

There's all sorts of reasons why the passwords might keep changing - I reset things if I've forgotten frequently, and it happens more if it's a log-in I share with DH like the bloody broadband account, because either of us might forget to update the other that we've clicked the "forgotten password" link. The 2-step verification codes are annoying but that's not your DH's fault.

You must have bought groceries and what-not without a joint account card so you clearly have had some sort of system going about the money. He's not stopping you knowing what money there is in the marriage.

The deeds thing is concerning but again this could be a well-thought out financial protection for him leaving you vulnerable or it could be that he just took someone's word for it that this document needed signing and thought not much about it.

You haven't said he's controlling or you feel hard-done by, but a lot of posters have shouted loudly about abuse. Do you think you might be being financially controlled or abused, or do you think it is just historic reasons for why the accounts are mostly set up this way?

You need to educate yourself and protect yourself either way, but how you approach it is going to need to be different depending on what you feel about how your husband behaves to you.

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 23/02/2021 17:19

I don’t get why savings can’t be in both your names! No way would Intolerate this control

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 23/02/2021 17:36

"Allowed" you access Hmm

He sounds a right piece of work.

Guidebutton · 23/02/2021 17:38

Yes, as PP says, you don't want to be on the mortgage and not the deeds. The mortgage is the debt.

ILikeMyName · 23/02/2021 17:40

OP, please, you need to seek legal advice, and soon (as in before the end of this week) because you are in a very precarious position. Your H (because in no one's world is he a 'D' H, based on what you've said) has done you up like a kipper. You haven't answered what a pp asked yet, but why haven't you phoned the bank today and asked for a debit card to go with your joint account?

I was a SAHM for 5 years when our DCs were small. We had to be careful with money, of course we did, but the difference was we still had a joint account, and I was on the deed/mortgage. And I was never questioned about what I spent, why and when on the joint debit card.

Without a doubt, OP (and I know this is hard to hear and understand) but you are living in an abusive marriage. You need to consult a solicitor (and soon) and make plans to leave. Your H will never change or agree to any changes. You have rights, and you need to put the into practice now. Like 'last week' now.

Please tell us you've done this. This man does not have your interests at heart, sadly. [sad

Technonan · 23/02/2021 17:45

You're allowed to hold shares in joint names. I'd be very nervous of this. At the moment, legally, that money is his and you might have to fight for your share. I wouldn't accept the single names thing for a minute if the shares were, in fact, from our joint income.

Itchywitchy · 23/02/2021 17:50

There's so much whizzing around my head. So if I go on the mortgage, how do I change the deeds also? As far as I know, a bank won't accept you being on the deeds without being on the mortgage. I only have a very small part time income.

OP posts:
ChampagneWorries · 23/02/2021 18:03

Hsbc are the only bank to my knowledge that will allow you to be on the deeds but not the mortgage.

Lenders changed this on the deeds but not mortgage thing about 5-6 years ago

Bluntness100 · 23/02/2021 18:07

@Itchywitchy

There's so much whizzing around my head. So if I go on the mortgage, how do I change the deeds also? As far as I know, a bank won't accept you being on the deeds without being on the mortgage. I only have a very small part time income.
Op, are you actually reading the posts. You don’t need to earn anything ever to be on the mortgage and deeds, numerous posters have confirmed this, and no it’s not a big deal to do it. The mortgage company do it, all you do is provide Id.

Also what does it matter what he says, you’re an adult, and need to take responsibility for yourself now.