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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 23/02/2021 11:02

I would worry about the house. He could have it tied up with various legal mechanisms. Have you seen the mortgage documentation?

Fiona2020 · 23/02/2021 11:07

@Blockedoff Do you have your own savings account? What happens if you ever have to go it alone?! I don’t see why people share money. My OH earns more than me. He can spend his money how he sees fit. He wants to buy a motorbike- fine by me it’s his cash! I don’t understand people sharing money. It’s dangerous. I don’t want anyone to have any control over me at all.

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/02/2021 11:07

Why is house only in his name?
You should not be in a situation where you are " being allowed access" to your own money
The fact he changes passwords is weird no one does that even when we are told to
Bit weird you keep checking is there something else you are checking for ?

bigbird1969 · 23/02/2021 11:16

Sounds like you have no idea about the finances within your family, you dont have a card for a joint account, one in which your money goes into. If it is a joint account why are you unable to contact the bank and get a card or open your own account? Also not working doesnt stop your name being on a house. Why is your H changing the passwords to the account? Your so passive and I worry you have left yourself very very vulnerable

Blockedoff · 23/02/2021 11:38

@Fiona2020 I have an ISA in my own name, as does he for tax efficiency.

What would happen if we split, it's all joint or equal amounts invested. I'd get half.

I am not controlled by me husband, I'm not sure why would think I am. Because we have joint funds?

No secret stashes of money, our marriage is based on openness and honesty.

So you having your own money, what do you intend to spend it on? A luxury cruise for one? Or just stash it away in case your marriage doesn't work? What a strange view on marriage.

Youllbeoldertoo · 23/02/2021 11:48

@Fiona2020

Why don’t people separate their money. It’s fricken WEIRD. Okay have a joint account for bills but that’s it! I’m not having my OH see how much I spend in home bargains ever!
@Fiona2020

It’s actually weird for a married couple not to share money. We couldn’t do it any other way. I hate this this is my attitude and this is yours, it’s so childish and petty. You’re a team.

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 23/02/2021 11:48

I would recommend the OP contact her local Citizens Advice Bureau as they will look at her position in the round. It sounds like financial abuse to me too which I think is now illegal - he may not know that.

Imaginetoday · 23/02/2021 11:50

[quote Someone1987]@PontyberryMassive I'd feel bad doing that! When I was on mat leave I used my maternity pay and took nothing off my husband.[/quote]
Wtf...did you have a miraculous conception? Or have a child when he stated clear objections?

You are on maternity leave because you have grown your baby ..his child..from your bodies resources. If you’re breastfeeding you are continuing to do that. It’s not some holiday- you and your baby need time for your body to recover and the baby to receive nutrition

He is not doing you “ favours” to support you financially..it is his duty

If your married that is also what he signed up to: forget the romantic stuff..you both agreed to assume financial and legal responsibility for each other in all circumstances

Stop being an apologist....you didn’t choose to be the sex that grows a child within you...you’re doing that because biology dictated it and your the one paying the penalty of your health to create the child you both want.

Lockandtees · 23/02/2021 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Imaginetoday · 23/02/2021 12:02

@Itchywitchy

I never worried about the house, as we are married, it would all be split anyway. I assumed that would be the case with accounts but I now see how easily he could empty them within a drop of a hat. Blush
Do you have wills? POA?

If not, then you are being naive

If he becomes ill in terms of loosing mental capacity you’ll not be able to do anything with the house without a POA...even if you needed to downsize or move to support him in long term care..

when he dies if you are still alive, house is not yours till after probate. If he doesn’t have a will it’ll be a long process when you have no rights to it

Same with your joint money..accounts will be frozen..no access

Stop sticking your head in the ground and hoping for the best. Could it be that he knows this is your attitude and all this is because he doesn’t trust you with money?

Before a pile on...I’m not setting out to be mean...I’m just horrified that it’s 2021 and there are women like you who are still not taking accountability for their own financial security.

pinkyredrose · 23/02/2021 12:13

never worried about the house, as we are married, it would all be split anyway

I wouldn't be so sure. You really need to find out what your rights are.

harknesswitch · 23/02/2021 12:15

Never ever keep joint finances in an account that you can’t access

This 100000x over

Bluegrass · 23/02/2021 12:23

Quite a few people overreacting based on quite limited information.

OP says she is able to check on the accounts every month for admin purposes so they are not being hidden from her, she just doesn’t like having to ask for the passwords which is fair enough as it is a hassle (and people who are security conscious do regularly change passwords - also the whole code texted to your phone thing is very standard).

She also says the “majority are shares” and so they may well be held in an isa in her DHs name. If that is the case it might be worth considering a separate isa in her own name, but that does add to admin (and possibly management fees) so it wouldn’t suit everyone.

The oddest thing is not having a debit card for the joint account she mentions, but it is not clear if that account is being used as a long term savings account only for bigger purchases alongside a current account for all day to day expenditure.

It’s also not clear if they use credit cards for the majority of their expenditure, with a direct debit set up to clear the credit card debt every month. Some people prefer that set up to using a debit card as they get to accumulate points on almost everything they buy.

Without more info it is premature to start shouting about financial abuse - especially as the OP doesn’t say if they’ve ever spoken about putting more assets in her name, so we have no idea what her DH’s opinion might be.

Imaginetoday · 23/02/2021 12:29

[quote Fiona2020]@Blockedoff Do you have your own savings account? What happens if you ever have to go it alone?! I don’t see why people share money. My OH earns more than me. He can spend his money how he sees fit. He wants to buy a motorbike- fine by me it’s his cash! I don’t understand people sharing money. It’s dangerous. I don’t want anyone to have any control over me at all.[/quote]
Fiona- i think that assumes you both have spare cash to spend on motorcycles or Homebase.
My DH and I create a budget for joint spends ( and kid costs historically). Set it in January for 12 months for last 30 years. The budget is needs not wants. We both paid our salary into that joint account and then take out “ pocket” money for individual spends we didn’t need to explain. Pocket money split in ratio of income which has changed a lot over years
Practice was that most of time our needs jointly the budget meant little left personally 😳.

For a lot of people joint accounts are an easier visible way to ensure your joint needs are dealt with first.

Fiona2020 · 23/02/2021 12:30

@Blockedoff 1) I’m not married we live together and have done for a while.
2) I might buy myself a new Louis Vuitton or a new car etc who knows.

My parents never shared money. My mother paid our school fees and my dad paid the bills. The both have their own separate accounts and spend their money how they wish.

As you said it’s personal choice and it’s certainly not for me.

Blockedoff · 23/02/2021 12:35

@Fiona2020 you enjoy your Louis Vuitton, OH and I are looking forward to visiting Thailand again as soon as we can (together). We all also looking to move in five years time, together.

My parents shared all their money, my mum never worked after she had children, it worked really well.

When we married it said for richer for poorer, so it works for us.

Blockedoff · 23/02/2021 12:38

@Fiona2020 I also spend my money how I wish, as I e stated previously I am not controlled by my husband, nor is he controlled by me.

You seem to have a strange view of marriage that if the money is shared that the DH controls everything?

It's really not true in most cases.

Fiona2020 · 23/02/2021 12:45

@Blockedoff Of course. Everyone is different. Enjoy Thailand :)

timeisnotaline · 23/02/2021 13:40

[quote Someone1987]@PontyberryMassive I'd feel bad doing that! When I was on mat leave I used my maternity pay and took nothing off my husband.[/quote]
But why?? Didn’t he want the baby? Wasn’t it his? Why would any decent man not pay towards looking after his child? When I was on mat leave I did a budget for dps income and my mat pay and that was our family income. If you had to pay for the baby on my own what is the point of your dp?

BlueThistles · 23/02/2021 14:11

@Itchywitchy

I never worried about the house, as we are married, it would all be split anyway. I assumed that would be the case with accounts but I now see how easily he could empty them within a drop of a hat. Blush

Yes ...

you need to tell him to want the Accounts changed to joint Accts..

All of them... this week

and you want your Name on the mortgage asap

but you are correct... you are married but all the same get your name on there 🌺

Blockedoff · 23/02/2021 14:28

@PontyberryMassive you took nothing off your husband whilst on maternity leave?

This statement is unbelievable!

Is it not his child?

Original poster
Itchywitchy · 23/02/2021 15:54

I'm in a complete panic as I'm so worried about the house. Sad Does my name not being on anything mean that I wouldn't be entitled to anything if he left us? We bought the house when we were married but put it in his name only as I was a sahm at the time. I had to sign something for the bank to say I had no interest in the property for my husband to be able to take a mortgage out in his name only.

OP posts:
Blockedoff · 23/02/2021 15:58

I'm in a complete panic as I'm so worried about the house. Does my name not being on anything mean that I wouldn't be entitled to anything if he left us? We bought the house when we were married but put it in his name only as I was a sahm at the time. I had to sign something for the bank to say I had no interest in the property for my husband to be able to take a mortgage out in his name only.

See a solicitor, this is financial abuse. Why would your name not go on he house because you were a SAHM? Did it stop belonging to you?

HollowTalk · 23/02/2021 16:00

You had to sign to say you had no interest? When you were married?

Original poster
Itchywitchy · 23/02/2021 16:01

@HollowTalk yes, but that wasn't him, that was the bank because I wasn't on the mortgage.

OP posts: