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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married colleague texting me

156 replies

EmilaSa · 22/02/2021 10:41

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation - my married (with 2 kids) colleague has been texting/ emailing inappropriate (sexual) messages.

I have in no way encouraged this. I have recently found out he's done it to a few other women from the office too.

We're all WFH at the moment, so haven't actually seen him in person for a few months.

I can't block him because we're on the same team and need to exchange messages/ emails.

I don't know his wife and I feel that if I go to my boss he will take his side, as they are friends.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 22/02/2021 10:42

I don't know his wife and I feel that if I go to my boss he will take his side, as they are friends.

Go to HR.

Lemmeout · 22/02/2021 10:44

HR.
However, text back matter of fact.
Your messages are inappropriate. Message me like this again and I will be going to HR.

Twickerhun · 22/02/2021 10:45

Go to HR if you have one. Get the others who have inappropriate massages to do the same. Keep a record of the messages. Then totally and utterly blank him on anything not work related.

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2021 10:45

Yes to HR
Send him a message making it clear you do not want to receive anything further like that from him.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 22/02/2021 10:48

I don't know what to do

Simply text back saying his messages are totally inappropriate and to never send anything like them again. If he does contact HR.

Aprilx · 22/02/2021 10:50

I think friend or not, the boss is unlikely to be as unprofessional as to take his side in this scenario. But HR is also a good option.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 22/02/2021 10:50

If a manager was found to not be taking a complaint of sexual harassment seriously their job would also be at risk. They may be friends but I doubt that means he would choose his friend over his job. You have black and white evidence as do multiple others if you want to take this further

Illberidingshotgun · 22/02/2021 10:56

Reply and tell him that his messages are unwanted and inappropriate. Also tell him that you have saved copies of everything and that it will be reported to HR. Inform your manager of all of this, if he sides with his friend then he will also be at fault, but that's his problem, not yours. Your obligation is to keep your manager informed.

Rillington · 22/02/2021 10:59

Contact your Manager and HR. Totally inappropriate.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2021 11:01

I wouldn't get into a conversation with him. I'd screenshot the messages (don't delete them) and send them to the manager. Copy in HR.

LindaEllen · 22/02/2021 11:02

I'd send a message requesting that he keeps communication professional, and if he sends you anything else inappropriate you will be showing copies to both HR and his wife.

peak2021 · 22/02/2021 11:04

Tell him first you do not want these kind of messages, if that does not work, then HR or his line manager.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/02/2021 11:05

God I hate that you have to say that you didn't encourage this. That fucker is out of line and it is in no way your fault nor any of the other women who he's done this to. Screenshot. Inform manager and HR, make sure you mail more than one person and have a supportive colleague CC'd so this cannot be swept under the carpet. This is not some dirty little secret you have to be ashamed of. This is all on him. His wife is nothing to do with you, nor are his kids, so leave them out of it. It doesn't matter if he's single. This is still absolutely inappropriate and needs dealing with now.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2021 11:05

You don't have to tell a colleague that you don't want inappropriate sexual messages. That should be taken as read. It's not up to the OP to enter into dialogue with this creep.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/02/2021 11:07

I also wouldn't message back as that only gives him a heads up to go to his mate and get his angle in there first. It's not on you to tell him it's inappropriate. He knows this. It doesn't matter to him. He'll keep doing it to other women and this will never stop. Ignore his message and take it to an official place, as a work matter ought to be.

ChikiTIKI · 22/02/2021 11:08

Record everything, pass it on to HR and let them deal with it.

Snowymcsnowsony · 22/02/2021 11:08

Can you make a group chat? Even adding 1 other person will stop him..

HollowTalk · 22/02/2021 11:10

Do the other women in the office have evidence of this, too? If so it would be worthwhile all of you complaining to HR at the same time.

RandomMess · 22/02/2021 11:13

Absolutely HR. You absolutely want proof. If you know for sure he has done this to other female colleagues and you all have evidence how about doing it all individually at the same time?

Can you join a union I just say this in case it backfires on you??

I would also be interested on what the law says about this?

mnahmnah · 22/02/2021 11:17

Screenshot and send to HR

AintPageantMaterial · 22/02/2021 11:22

God I hate the way that you have to say that you didn’t encourage this

Exactly this. How would any woman ‘encourage’ this?
What would you say? “God, I’m bored with my current library of dick pics. If only some helpful soul would forward some porny images to me to get me over my slump”?

Do not feel defensive about this. Get angry.

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2021 11:25

Is it on a works email account?

Leeds2 · 22/02/2021 11:25

Do you know whether the other women have reported him, or told him to stop?

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2021 11:26

I'd block his mobile number. If he needs you he can email.

Cpl1586407 · 22/02/2021 11:27

Take screen shots. Message him and say "this is beyond inappropriate and you need to stop this"

Take more screen shots.