Page 6 | Married colleague texting me

IEat · 22/02/2021 17:41

You can block him and tell your boss why
Don’t put up with the crap of others because of work.

Wellthisisafuckup · 22/02/2021 17:53

I fucking despise the way that men think they can bloody behave like this and then we as women have to think ‘Did I do something to give him the wrong impression?’

Send straight to HR and block him, if he wants to speak to you let him put it in an email. He should be sacked for gross misconduct.

MySocalledLoaf · 22/02/2021 17:55

You are getting some awful advice on this thread and I don’t mean the deleted posts. Please find some competent advice outside Mumsnet.

Beautiful3 · 22/02/2021 19:12

I would forward his messages to hr asap, and ask them to tell him to stop. Dont keep quiet.

ArcheryAnnie · 22/02/2021 19:26

Do you have a union? Talk to them.

Screenshot everything. Don't delete his messages - they are evidence.

DO NOT send anything to his wife. (Good grief! Why would anyone suggest this!)

Don't engage with him at all re the harrassing texts. Only reply, if at all, to straightforward work texts.

Ask your boss to put his actions in writing in an email to you.

If you get stitched up, come back and tell us.

Wiredforsound · 22/02/2021 19:40

Do not warn him off. It is not your job and you shouldn’t have to have responsibility for warning him. Just pass the lot over to HR/director and get in touch with ACAS. Make it someone else’s problem - it shouldn’t be yours.

Wiredforsound · 22/02/2021 19:42

@Wellthisisafuckup is right. This is sexual harassment and therefore gross misconduct. Your company has a duty of care towards you and all its employees.

VestaTilley · 22/02/2021 19:44

Go to HR, and your bosses boss. This is sexual harassment- you could sue about this in the employment tribunal.

If your boss doesn’t act then go to the police. And send the messages to his wife.

Do not reply to the man.

Wellthisisafuckup · 22/02/2021 20:12

If the business has any kind of HR in place then there should be a sexual harassment policy.

Speak to ACAS asap and raise a formal grievance.

Keratinsmooth · 23/02/2021 09:52

As I mentioned up thread, I’ve been on the receiving end of inappropriate WhatsApp messages, from a senior colleague, who had different line managers and mates with my most senior boss.

It’s not as straight forward as ppl suggest. I would probably respond to the inappropriate stuff, with something like, “the suggestions aren’t welcome, let’s crack on with work shall we?”. Then see what happens. If they persist then tell them that you are not happy receiving such messages and that if they persist you will take it further, then if they do, you have to.

You could consider telling them that you won’t respond to messages on phone and only to email you? Might that also work. I’m sorry this happening to you, it’s awful. I was actually afraid to look at my phone at one point, I wish I had nipped my situation in the bud earlier. I’ve left the company (for a better role) and it’s a huge relief not hearing from this guy

Lweji · 23/02/2021 10:18

It’s not as straight forward as ppl suggest. I would probably respond to the inappropriate stuff, with something like, “the suggestions aren’t welcome, let’s crack on with work shall we?”. Then see what happens. If they persist then tell them that you are not happy receiving such messages and that if they persist you will take it further, then if they do, you have to.

You could consider telling them that you won’t respond to messages on phone and only to email you? Might that also work. I’m sorry this happening to you, it’s awful. I was actually afraid to look at my phone at one point, I wish I had nipped my situation in the bud earlier.

Can you expand on that? What do you mean by nipping it in the bud earlier? What did you do? Ignore it?
Did you ever report it?

Charliec12 · 17/03/2021 07:38

I have also been involved in this it started off as a laugh between me and my manager and it led to me nearly having an affair with him. Just be careful. I got away from it by being a bit more distant and I realised he was saying inappropriate things to other female colleagues too so I felt a total mug. It was then very difficult havibg to work at that conpany. I didn't report anything to HR as I get on well with him and I was to blame too. The bigger picture is his wife is likely to find out and blame you for being involved with it all

thenewduchessofhastings · 17/03/2021 07:43

Screen shot the messages and keep a copy just in case.

Go to HR if that's an option (I know unfortunately with some companies it isn't an option).

Block him;he doesn't need to be texting you outside of work.

makingmammaries · 17/03/2021 09:21

Don't assume the other affected women will necessarily back you up. Keep records of everything. Tell the guy, repeatedly, to stop. Then see if he does. Going to HR may make you unpopular in the workplace if the guy is well-liked, and it is amazing how stories can get twisted. I think I'd be complaining to his wife before I complained to HR, but that's bitter experience talking.

Charliec12 · 18/03/2021 10:30

@makingmammaries

Don't assume the other affected women will necessarily back you up. Keep records of everything. Tell the guy, repeatedly, to stop. Then see if he does. Going to HR may make you unpopular in the workplace if the guy is well-liked, and it is amazing how stories can get twisted. I think I'd be complaining to his wife before I complained to HR, but that's bitter experience talking.

Totally agree with you I would also speak to the person first before going to HR. I am sure his wife will get wind of it soon enough too :(

Bubblebu · 18/03/2021 13:22

"I think I'd be complaining to his wife before I complained to HR, but that's bitter experience talking"

this is not logical.
Plenty of men (especially serial unfaithful) do not give a monkeys whether their wife finds out or not for a whole host of reasons. Perhaps those men are ready to divorce, perhaps they want their wife to leave them, perhaps their whole marriage is based on a mutual understanding of infidelity by one or both of them.

Do not bother thinking that somehow grassing him up to his spouse is going to go in your favour. Aside from the fact that his wife is none of your business it is not her job to become a catalyst in improving the situation for you.

And incase the above conclusion is rebutted by you with "but i will be doing the wife a favour" (assuming she does not know) - she will find out eventually - the truth always comes out - but your situation does not mean she should be informed/involved.
(I say this as a wife whose husband cheated on me (unbeknown to me) and even then I would not want to have been "told" in advance of the breakdown of our marriage by the person involved.

Charliec12 · 03/08/2021 00:37

Going back to office when you have feelings for someone how to cope. Things were on and off we would flirt and sext a bit for last few years but in April he started ghosting me. I am really hurt by it all particularly as I find work lonely now not chatting to him. He is doing things like telling me my colleagues have sexy bodies so I think he will get with any female. Right now I feel like jacking work in especially as I will have to see him more from beginning of Sept as we go back to working in the office

Maggiesfarm · 03/08/2021 01:06

@unmarkedbythat

I don't know his wife and I feel that if I go to my boss he will take his side, as they are friends.

Go to HR.

Yes! That is if you have a decent HR department at your firm.

I know somebody to whom the exact same thing happened - only worse because he actually texted a picture to her. She went to the person who 'did' HR who laughed and said he'd been there for years, don't take it too seriously. Yet he was a pest! Late fifties too, worked in maintenance and was always turning up fixing doorknobs, shelves or whatever. Horrible man, and he got away with it. She went off sick and eventually resigned.

Don't let that happen to you, op. If he does it to others, and they are prepared to speak out, complain en masse.

Good luck.

DismantledKing · 03/08/2021 01:08

Bloody Zombie thread

Maggiesfarm · 03/08/2021 01:58

D'oh!

Hannayeah · 03/08/2021 02:34

I know it’s a zombie thread but wanted to say, I mercilessly mocked the guy that made inappropriate remarks to me and maybe it was t the right tactic, but he left me alone.

I also told him once, in person “yesterday you said X to me. That is not OK. Do not do it again.”

But I think the mocking was more effective.

I’d seriously consider taking screenshots and sending these messages to him “Look what that creepy married loser at work wrote to me! Ugh!” And then “Oops, that wasn’t for you.”

THEN tell your boss. Now they will both just wonder… but they will know you aren’t putting up with this nonsense and that you aren’t going to keep quiet about it. Probably horrible advance, but I despise the idea that I have to involve HR just because someone else is being a weirdo.

CustardyCreams · 03/08/2021 04:23

The manager really can't take his side. I would ask for a zoom call with your manager, during the meeting share screenshots of the messages and say, “I don’t want disciplinary action, I just want him to stop and behave professionally. Can you have a word with him and make sure he stops doing this to the women in the team? It makes us feel very uncomfortable.”

Hawkins001 · 03/08/2021 05:04

@EmilaSa

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation - my married (with 2 kids) colleague has been texting/ emailing inappropriate (sexual) messages.

I have in no way encouraged this. I have recently found out he's done it to a few other women from the office too.

We're all WFH at the moment, so haven't actually seen him in person for a few months.

I can't block him because we're on the same team and need to exchange messages/ emails.

I don't know his wife and I feel that if I go to my boss he will take his side, as they are friends.

I don't know what to do.

All the best op

SpeakingFranglais · 03/08/2021 06:36

Your boss doesn’t need your mobile number.

HRhave it. My team has a group WhatsApp but we can manage perfectly well without using it, ever, and use Teams messaging and work email. All tracked of course.

DeepDown12 · 03/08/2021 06:59

If there's no HR - Email to manager (even if he doesn't respond). Then if it happens again or no follow up from the manager - respond to the same email, but add manager's manager to cc asking for the follow up.