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AIBU?

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Original poster

Married colleague texting me

156 replies

EmilaSa · 22/02/2021 10:41

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation - my married (with 2 kids) colleague has been texting/ emailing inappropriate (sexual) messages.

I have in no way encouraged this. I have recently found out he's done it to a few other women from the office too.

We're all WFH at the moment, so haven't actually seen him in person for a few months.

I can't block him because we're on the same team and need to exchange messages/ emails.

I don't know his wife and I feel that if I go to my boss he will take his side, as they are friends.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 22/02/2021 13:17

I think SilverLining22 likely started this thread under a different name given “op” has not come back at all

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 22/02/2021 13:22

Be very blunt. Text back You are making me uncomfortable, this is not happening and you need to stop. It's disrespectful to me and disrespectful to your wife.

SoulofanAggron · 22/02/2021 13:44

I think SilverLining22 likely started this thread under a different name given “op” has not come back at all

@Regularsizedrudy What gives you that impression? The scenario in the OP isn't far fetched at all.

Regularsizedrudy · 22/02/2021 13:56

No not far fetched at all unfortunately. But the fact op asked for advice but has not responded to anything but silverlining has posted multiple times (despite ops lack of engagement) makes me suspicious

Derbee · 22/02/2021 14:20

Why does he need a warning before you report to HR? Women are conditioned to be polite and try and minimise the potential impact to the perpetrator in these situations.

Take screen shots, report to HR. Ideally, if you know the other women well enough, get screenshots from them too so you can all report at the same time.

Derbee · 22/02/2021 14:21

And I’m sorry that you have to even say that you haven’t encouraged it. It’s such a bloody sad reflection of these situations.

Brainwave89 · 22/02/2021 14:24

I am sorry this has happened to you. It happens too often to too many women. I would keep a copy of all the texts so you have an audit trail. Then go back to the individual and have a clear and hard discussion which says this is unacceptable and should stop. If it does not stop then go to HR with both the original texts and the request to stop. Earlier on in my career I faced a similar problem and despite me asking for this texting to stop, my then more senior married colleague proceeded to book us an away trip. When I turned up he had only booked one room. That was when I went to HR, who initially turned their fire on me. This was the 90s and they asked if I had led him on, and what I had worn when we met. Only when it was escalated to the HR Director (a woman newly appointed), did he get the sack.

Notnownotneverever · 22/02/2021 14:26

If it is WhatsApp then screenshot and quickly before he deletes the messages after not getting the response he wants.
Then communicate with HR and your manager at the same time. Personally I would not go only to your manager if you have concerns over them not dealing with it impartially.

Original poster
EmilaSa · 22/02/2021 14:27

Sorry, I was working. I have no idea what SilverLining said, so I'm not really sure how to respond....

It's quite a small company/ team, so there's no real "HR Dept" as such. Which makes it more awkward.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/02/2021 14:30

@EmilaSa

Sorry, I was working. I have no idea what SilverLining said, so I'm not really sure how to respond....

It's quite a small company/ team, so there's no real "HR Dept" as such. Which makes it more awkward.

Ugh poor you I hate that we have to deal with this shit.

If he's done the same with others then can you take this to the most senior person in the company as a group?

What a prick. And don't feel that him being married is a reason you have to give for this making you uncomfortable, if a single man was sending unsolicited sexual / suggestive messages to colleagues they should be disciplined (fired IMO) too.

Have you replied at all to the messages thus far?

MissKhan1990 · 22/02/2021 14:32

@Bubblebu

If he is also messaging you about work related matters can you not simply reply to the work related questions and totally blank the inappropriate stuff? Unpleasant to receive it but if you are all WFH eventually he will just get bored and only message you on the work matters?

The getting HR involved all depends on the type of HR department you have...........

This is terrible advice. Why should she blank it out. He has no excuse working from home or not. The slimy fucker probably thinks that he can get away with it. As its not technically at work. Attitudes like yours are the reason people get away with stuff like this.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2021 14:37

I would text back to him, saying “These messages are unwanted and constitute sexual harassment. I have saved them all, and will forward them all to our manager if you do not stop sending them.”

TillyTopper · 22/02/2021 14:39

Screen shot everything. Go to HR and show them, tell them you want to block in and will only communicate via work channels such as email and it absolutely must be professional only.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 22/02/2021 14:47

I would text back to him, saying “These messages are unwanted and constitute sexual harassment. I have saved them all, and will forward them all to our manager if you do not stop sending them.”

This, and similar recommendations from PP.

What, if anything, have you said to him about the messages so far?

OhCaptain · 22/02/2021 14:49

@EmilaSa

Sorry, I was working. I have no idea what SilverLining said, so I'm not really sure how to respond....

It's quite a small company/ team, so there's no real "HR Dept" as such. Which makes it more awkward.

It doesn’t make it more awkward, it just cuts out the middle person.

Straight to your manager.

All this one more chance shite is why it’s still prevalent. He’s a grown man. He fucking knows it’s not ok. He’s not making mistakes. There’s no confusion.

It’s cut and dried.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/02/2021 14:50

HR
However, text back matter of fact
Your messages are inappropriate. Message me like this again and I will be going to HR

This.
Screenshot the messages too, and don't delete them. Just make sure you do message him about being inappropriate.

It's quite sad to feel you all have to cover up for a sex pest. I wouldn't even be polite about it. Sexual harassment is never acceptable.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 22/02/2021 14:53

@MissKhan1990 I see your point, and certainly every victim of sexual harrassment should feel confident in going to HR and receiving support. However in reality, sadly, this is not certain - I was being sexually harrassed at work and went to HR for assistance, and they told me I had to deal with it myself, they did nothing; I ended up feeling worse than if I hadn't, totally powerless (I left the company for unrelated reasons not long after). If it ever happened again, I'd be wary of going to HR, and would definitely be prepared for disappointment, however I agree with you that it would ideally be the best course of action (if OP's company had an HR dept).

DavidsSchitt · 22/02/2021 14:56

"However, text back matter of fact
Your messages are inappropriate. Message me like this again and I will be going to HR

This."

No. Not this Hmm

Report him. No chances

Thelnebriati · 22/02/2021 14:56

EmilaSa Contact ACAS today. Your company is obliged to have procedures in place for reporting harassment.

www.acas.org.uk/

SnarkyBag · 22/02/2021 15:00

I’d block him on your phone and then email boss screen shots of everything he’s sent you. See what the bosses response is and go from there

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/02/2021 15:00

If you don't have HR then speak to your manager

cuparfull · 22/02/2021 15:00

Keep all the texts and any emails as records in case this turns bad for you given his boss is a friend. Cover your back at all times is something I've learnt to my cost.
Then tell him his texts are inappropriate, and must cease immediately. Keep record of that aswell.
I wouldn't threaten HR at this stage, use that if he persists.

Woebegonad · 22/02/2021 15:04

I'm just slack-jawed in amazement at all the people on this thread who think you have to give sexual harassers just one more chance to mend their ways. As though they give a shit for a woman's opinion.

Don't engage, don't reply. Report, escalate. Remove yourself from the equation. This is between him and his employer now.

oakleaffy · 22/02/2021 15:07

Ugh, horrid creep.

I had someone I worked for years ago do this, too..... I found out he tried it on with all the women who did work for him. {Married with kids}

He called himself ''Tinky''....... ''Call me Tinky''

My gay friend snorted with derision and mimicked: ''Whip me, and call me Tinky!''

But it wasn't so funny to me.

Thought he was God's gift.

Threaten to tell his wife?

PopUpName · 22/02/2021 15:16

Screenshot the lot and report him. Someone must be in charge of hr. There is no 'his side' to take. He is sending you inappropriate emails.