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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married colleague texting me

156 replies

EmilaSa · 22/02/2021 10:41

I'm in a bit of a tricky situation - my married (with 2 kids) colleague has been texting/ emailing inappropriate (sexual) messages.

I have in no way encouraged this. I have recently found out he's done it to a few other women from the office too.

We're all WFH at the moment, so haven't actually seen him in person for a few months.

I can't block him because we're on the same team and need to exchange messages/ emails.

I don't know his wife and I feel that if I go to my boss he will take his side, as they are friends.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

PopUpName · 22/02/2021 15:20

Christ I just read some of the replies suggesting that you tell him directly to stop, then 'threaten' HR. ?? WTF, people. It's like Me Too never happened.

Don't engage with your harasser. Shop him immediately to HR, the CEO, whatever it takes in your company.

BibbityBobbety · 22/02/2021 15:24

Since you don't have an HR dept you could talk to - I would message him very firmly and say something like, " X, these messages are extremely inappropriate and unwanted. The sexual undertone of your messages (reference any explicit ones) makes me uncomfortable and I want you to stop. Let's keep all communications between us professional."

If he doesn't stop, or gets defensive, then I would talk to your boss - with screenshots. They may be friends, but unless your boss is very naive, he won't want to risk a sexual harassment claim (or wrongful termination if he does that) and bad press - so will shut this down. Keep screenshots, and records of all conversation between you and the creep, and also between you and your boss.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/02/2021 15:26

@PopUpName

Christ I just read some of the replies suggesting that you tell him directly to stop, then 'threaten' HR. ?? WTF, people. It's like Me Too never happened.

Don't engage with your harasser. Shop him immediately to HR, the CEO, whatever it takes in your company.

This, this this this!

And don't threaten to tell his wife etc. Don't use another woman as leverage to regulate a man's poor behaviour.

Can you go to your boss as a group if it's happened to more than one of you?

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2021 15:27

Can you expand, is it dirty jokes he’s sending to many people or is it specific sexual advances to you? Both are unacceptable but very different in objective.

oakleaffy · 22/02/2021 15:32

It sounds like it is a small Workplace.

No HR.

In my case it was a small team with Harasser at the top.

No where to go.

You have to threaten to tell his Wife.

I stopped working for my hassler, as it got to the point where he was being very inappropriate indeed.
Found out later that other single women who worked for him were equally harassed.

I got my male friend to answer the phone to him, and the creep said :

''Ah, are you trying to get into her knickers, too??''

Bosses of own companies think they are above the law.

CaveMum · 22/02/2021 15:32

I'd speak to ACAS for advice but emailing your manager (and perhaps cc in a sympathetic colleague so that your manager can't claim not to have received the email or try to misrepresent the contents) stating that you expect him to be spoken to and appropriate disciplinary action taken otherwise you will be seeking legal advice.

I am in no way au fait with the legalities but I would have thought an employment lawyer could have a field day with this and take the company to the cleaners on your behalf if there is evidence he has done this before and no action taken.

EBearhug · 22/02/2021 15:35

I second contacting ACAS or your union, if you're in a union.

Original poster

EmilaSa · 22/02/2021 15:39

Thanks yes I have taken screenshots. I replied but just tried to dodge what he was saying and reply to the work stuff.

Didn't seem to make any difference. The whole thing is weird.

In reply to pp - it's sexual advances in terms of what he'd like to do together, yuck/ he misses seeing me / what I wear not envy.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmilaSa · 22/02/2021 15:39

= not envy!

OP posts:

sadie9 · 22/02/2021 15:40

Don't respond to the individual messages. Delete and do not answer.

If he continues then reply back 'Derek - this is Linda from work here, you must have this number mixed up with someone else. So please stop sending these on this number. Thanks!'

This gives him the opportunity to feck off with himself.

BibbityBobbety · 22/02/2021 15:50

Don't reply to any messages with a sexual undertone or where he is being inappropriate. Even if you ignore that bit and only focus on work.

Send him something similar to the message I posted.

If you reply to even part of the message, you've given him legal leverage to say you responded, didn't tell him you found it offensive, so he didn't know he was being inappropriate. Twisted but unfortunately the reality, and you want to deal with this in a calculated way to get the best outcome for you. The best way is make sure you're covered - documenting that you have very clearly told him to stop, then not responding at all if he doesn't, and making your boss aware (document this too so he can't say he didn't know).

CaveMum · 22/02/2021 15:51

Don't delete the messages - you may need them as evidence.

OhCaptain · 22/02/2021 15:55

@PopUpName

Christ I just read some of the replies suggesting that you tell him directly to stop, then 'threaten' HR. ?? WTF, people. It's like Me Too never happened.

Don't engage with your harasser. Shop him immediately to HR, the CEO, whatever it takes in your company.

Exactly! Reporting shouldn’t be a threat, it should be the only option that comes to mind when someone is fucking harassing you.

ginandwineandbaileys · 22/02/2021 16:03

I'm sorry of this has been asked before, but is this on a work mobile. If so, then you have proof. If not, why would he have your private number? I'd block and only communicate via email

poorbuthappy · 22/02/2021 16:05

How long have you worked there?
And is the colleague senior to you?

StephenBelafonte · 22/02/2021 16:08

I'm assuming you didn't give him your private phone number and email address so I guess this is on a works device, in working hours. Yes, absolutely report him to his boss - he's supposed to be working.

Lweji · 22/02/2021 16:13

I would start looking for a job anyway. Just not to be caught out.

But, your options are:

put up with it (ignore it, tell him to stop, but essentially no action)
report him and take it to whatever consequences
leave without addressing it

If he is mixing it with work messages, it's even worse in my opinion.

I would gather all evidence (including all your replies to any messages with such content), take advice (ACAS...), report to manager/boss, and be very assertive about this. As in "it needs to stop, as I am being harassed". Then it would depend on what he does. If he does nothing, or you end up worse off, you can sue him and his company.
If he has done it to other women at work, it may be a good idea to join forces.

MizMoonshine · 22/02/2021 16:20

HR.
Forward messages to his wife via Facebook.

LadyHedgehog · 22/02/2021 16:23

@PopUpName

Christ I just read some of the replies suggesting that you tell him directly to stop, then 'threaten' HR. ?? WTF, people. It's like Me Too never happened.

Don't engage with your harasser. Shop him immediately to HR, the CEO, whatever it takes in your company.

But the OP said there is no HR and he is very friendly with the boss. Unfortunately sometimes people have to make practical decisions, even when they know what the 'right' thing is to do. I have the impression the OP is scared of losing her job due to the friendship if she reports it.

Obviously, the right thing to do is report it immediately. We should all work in places where reporting something like this does not put you at risk of losing your job/ a lengthy tribunal/ being in financial hardship. Sadly, this is not the case for many.

My advice in this case would be:

Start looking for another job.
Tell him his messages are inappropriate and making you uncomfortable.
Once you have another job lined up, report him.

RhymesWithOrange · 22/02/2021 16:29

You have to tell him to stop. Tell him you consider it sexual harassment. Tell your boss in writing / in an email with screenshots of the messages. If it happens again be prepared to take legal advice and/or go to the police.

FoxAndRabbit · 22/02/2021 16:52

I disagree with pp saying you need to tell him or warn him off. You can simply ignore / block and report him. Why should it be your responsibility to try to reason or bargain with him. He is inappropriate, full stop. There should be no second chance or warning. Please op get some self respect here. You have done nothing to deserve this and it shouldn't be your problem - it's his.

Report ASAP!

crispychicken12 · 22/02/2021 16:53

Report him.

Krazynights34 · 22/02/2021 17:19

OP as someone who has really suffered because of sexual harassment (physical assault actually), the sooner you act, the better.
You should be able to message whoever does the management- if it’s the boss, do it anyway.
If he doesn’t immediately take action the police most likely will.
You don’t need to suffer this.
The police were wonderful to me!

Alonelonelyloner · 22/02/2021 17:28

tell your boss

Wait

boss does nothing then go higher and go to ACAS

Do NOT just warn him and complain quietly to others.

People, man mostly, have been getting away with this shit for generations. It's fucking sickening.

MrsBrunch · 22/02/2021 17:33

I don't understand why you wouldn't just show the messages to your boss and get them to speak with him. What's the problem?

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