To use son’s money for this

[Merryoldgoat]

My sons have savings - around £3k each which has accumulated over the last few years from DH’s aunt who kindly puts an amount away for them monthly.

We have control over these accounts. Our sons are 3 & 8. DH’s aunt has made no conditions about how the money should be spent.

Both sons have additional needs (autism) and older boy’s room needs redoing. He’s got various obsessions and interests and his room is tricky to organise. We need to upgrade the furniture and storage. We’re thinking a high sleeper with a desk and wardrobe abs bookcases underneath then proper toy storage in the room too.

Parent A thinks we should save ourselves for this but it will be a while as we’re paying off a car and both are averse to taking on more debt

Parent B thinks we could use the money from DH’s aunt but isn’t wedded to it.

We can’t quite agree on the right choice. It’s not causing any friction but parent B wavers.

First world problem I know!

YABU - use the savings

YANBU - wait and pay the car then do the room.

I’ve part furnished my house on a very small budget - primarily through eBay and Facebook marketplace etc. High sleepers are always for sale.I would look at a mixture of second hand with some new bits ( the mattress etc ) and try to. It the costs right down. I would probably not want to dip into the kids money because it’s theirs and i would want them to use that for stuff they find fun or a hobby not home decor. If your finances are so tight that you can’t find the money for this over a period of some months then I don’t think you’ll re-pay the money at all.

Ask the aunt.

If it were be I'd be expecting it to be saved for college expenses/uni/leaving home

Lots of priveldge on this thread.

@Disressingtimes

If the aunt hadn’t given your children money how would you be buying these things?

I think the money is theirs, you shouldn’t be spending it on things that are a parents job to provide.

This.

It’s not your ‘decorating’ fund.

@Ohwhatllipick

Just to say, if you’re getting a high sleeper with desk, have a look on eBay/gumtree. They are hard to get rid off and you can often get good as new ones free or cheap. I’d ask the aunt too. (About the money not the high sleeper!)

I’d not thought of this! Thank you. I will look.

What’s the point of accessible children’s accounts if not to find things to benefit them in the here and now as necessary?
If the aunt specifically wanted to save for adulthood, she should have asked the OP to set up an ISA and slid into that.
If she specifically wanted the lot spent on nonsense, she should be sending toy shop vouchers.
As things are, she’s happy to leave the child’s parents in control to spend or not spend the money for the child’s benefit as they see fit.
I’ve been quite clear that the savings account DFIL pays into monthly will be dipped into if we need it to cover school trips, must have tech, club memberships etc if our circumstances are such that we cannot fund it ourselves. He’s happy to pay in knowing this. Hope not to need it, but if DS needs something and that’s the only way we can pay for it, that’s what it’s there for.

We would never consider using a child's money to fix up their room. That's our financial responsibility, not theirs. Our teen is autistic. They have a couple of savings accounts that have been paid into by other people. That money is not ours to spend.

If you are absolutely stuck, ask the aunt who has been saving for them.

I've had a convo recently with MIL. She's been saving for them, and is now concerned about the building society writig to tell them about that money. She wants to delay the point at which they get their mitts on it, so I've agreed to support her decision to the best of my ability.

YOu're asking the wrong people, here, OP. Talk with the person who set up the account. If you're not comfirtable with that, ask yourslf why.

We have saved small amounts monthly to cover things like this. There was no other way.

If I had given money to a niece/nephew/grandchild, I would not expect the parents to take the money for DIY. It isn't for that, it's long-term savings or for the child to spend on fripperies or a mix of both.

Ah sorry! I missed the post where you said it would be about £800 not the whole lot. I think that's a bit different as will still have some left to help out when they are older for eg. School trips if you can't afford them then or leaving home.

What’s the point of accessible children’s accounts if not to find things to benefit them in the here and now as necessary

They're accessible so the child can get at the money, for example, there might be a school trip they want to go on that the parents couldn't afford otherwise. Or for fripperies - eg the parents might say you can have new trainers but the price limit is £30, kid wants trainers costing £70 so takes out the £40 difference from their bank account. That is what it is for, in my view. Not for the parents to use it to decorate the bedroom, although there is a grey area where the child might want a specific thing for their bedroom like a particular lamp or bookcase.

I think if you will struggle to do their rooms without using it then you could and hopefully pay it back in.

Do you anticipate any expenditure when the DS gets older that you might want to use the aunt's fund for?

Not use the savings would be my decision. My kids have high five figures thanks to generous grandparents plus us saving and we have never touched it as it is for them, university, houses, etc.

As a parent of children with ASD I agree with OP that a super cool bed is probably better than any toy 🤣, it’s not just a piece of furniture, it’s a place where they feel safe, a place they can play, hide and climb. My DD’s would prefer that than a fancy toy or a day out. It’s something that will get a lot of use and improve their living spaces.

My DD’s have some savings, eldest wants to go to uni but youngest is more severely autistic and will never be able to go to uni or live alone, she won’t be able to drive or buy a house so money sat in a account when she needs/wants something right now seems silly. Luckily we use her DLA for most things but it doesn’t always cover it.

@poppycat10

If I had given money to a niece/nephew/grandchild, I would not expect the parents to take the money for DIY. It isn't for that, it's long-term savings or for the child to spend on fripperies or a mix of both.

A really cool high sleeper bed is not really DIY though? 😐

No I wouldn't make my child buy their own furniture.

Lost interest

DLA support: If your children have needs, they may qualify for DLA. Autism is a condition of the brain. Cerbera have an excellent guide that you can download. I'd recommend printing a copy off, if you are able. That way, you can annotate it as much as you need to.

It's very useful (I've used it to support a few DLA applications). That information can also be applied to PIP forms in years to come. Keep the Cerbera forms, and your responses to it, in a file. You *will be grateful for that (in the sense that you'll be glad you kept it).

Link to Cerbera guide: cerebra.org.uk/download/disability-living-allowance-dla-guide/

@poppycat10 that just shows how different we all are. If I had given money to a niece/nephew/grandchild I'd expect it to be spent on them and would be delighted if it was saved then used for a bigger purchase. It's bedroom furniture for the child in question, the OPs not suggesting spending it on remodelling the kitchen.

If I had given money to a niece/nephew/grandchild, I would not expect the parents to take the money for DIY. It isn't for that, it's long-term savings or for the child to spend on fripperies or a mix of both.

But to an autistic child especially, it can make a world of difference. OP wants to decorate it so that it will make their space immeasurably better for them, and for them to enjoy. If it was simply to replace a broken bed then that's different, but putting thought into what they will enjoy and find beneficial is surely much better than spending of 'fripperies'. If the aunt was so keen for it to be solely spent by them surely it would be put into an account they could access when older, plus it's not like OP has said I bought a gold plated bar of chocolate for £800 so can't afford to. They don't have the saving etc to do it at the moment. I don't get this money sitting in accounts when it can be doing something positive.

I have an autistic son and I would use the money if it's the only way that the rooms would get redecorated. It's money that's there to help them and makes their lives better. We are currently looking at redecorating the bedroom of our DS who is 5 and he is so fussy and particular about things it's a nightmare. We got a large tax rebate based on our DS being officially diagnosed (I'm not in the UK so not sure if it's the same there) and we are using it to completely renovate our bathroom but to be fair DS has major issues with washing and water and freaks if he hears a shower so a lot of things that are being added are for his benefit . Every autistic child is different so if your child's bedroom is their safe snd happy space (like my sons is) and somewhere they will benefit from then 100% do it and don't feel guilty

Like many others, I think I would use the money now to get the bedroom done out as he would like BUT, I think I would aim to replace it when I was able - in your case, when you've finished paying the car loan.

I would use in fact did use money given to dc to buy something fun for them - a garden climbing frame or trampoline or a table tennis table or something, but even I think that decorating a bedroom and replacing furniture with more suitable stuff is not usually what a child would choose to do with their money, if they had the capacity to make that choice. I do feel that is a parent's responsibility long term.

I've given money as presents to nieces, nephews and godchildren before now and absolutely feel that it should be used for anything that the parents feel will enhance the child's life. A bedroom definitely does that.

Redecorating really sounds like a waste of the savings.

Forward 10 or 15 years, the furniture will be long gone, but so will the money when they could actually use it.

I'd rather buy furniture second hand - they cost next to nothing on market place or other. I agree with above, it wouldn't even occur to me to touch their savings for this.