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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use son’s money for this

314 replies

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 14:55

My sons have savings - around £3k each which has accumulated over the last few years from DH’s aunt who kindly puts an amount away for them monthly.

We have control over these accounts. Our sons are 3 & 8. DH’s aunt has made no conditions about how the money should be spent.

Both sons have additional needs (autism) and older boy’s room needs redoing. He’s got various obsessions and interests and his room is tricky to organise. We need to upgrade the furniture and storage. We’re thinking a high sleeper with a desk and wardrobe abs bookcases underneath then proper toy storage in the room too.

Parent A thinks we should save ourselves for this but it will be a while as we’re paying off a car and both are averse to taking on more debt

Parent B thinks we could use the money from DH’s aunt but isn’t wedded to it.

We can’t quite agree on the right choice. It’s not causing any friction but parent B wavers.

First world problem I know!

YABU - use the savings

YANBU - wait and pay the car then do the room.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/02/2021 16:06

Definitely use it and whatever DLA they get. If it bothers you then put it back in when the cars paid off as has been said. Anything that makes life easier is a go from me.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 20/02/2021 16:07

Another one saying ask the aunt. She’s done a very kind and generous thing so why not ask her what she thinks? I’m sure she’ll probably be on board with the idea.

PumpkinPlantPot · 20/02/2021 16:07

Could you discuss it with the aunt? My grandfather does similar for my DD and when I needed the money for swimming lessons for her he was more than happy as it improved her quality of life (she has a muscle condition which is improved by swimming regularly)

Disressingtimes · 20/02/2021 16:07

If the aunt hadn’t given your children money how would you be buying these things?

I think the money is theirs, you shouldn’t be spending it on things that are a parents job to provide.

ChippyChickenChips · 20/02/2021 16:09

I'd use the money. I have a DD with sen and I'd do anything to make life better sooner rather than later. I'd pay it back gradually with regular manageable amounts.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 20/02/2021 16:09

@Disressingtimes

If the aunt hadn’t given your children money how would you be buying these things?

I think the money is theirs, you shouldn’t be spending it on things that are a parents job to provide.

Absolutely this
FuckyouBrennan · 20/02/2021 16:09

OP I have a disabled son and I know any family who have given money would be more than happy for it to be used towards anything that could improve his life and makes things easier for him. Infact I think they’d be really proud to of helped in some way.
I understand your hesitations but I would say go for it. You could always ask the aunt?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/02/2021 16:10

I'd ask the aunt, too. But I think if it would make his and your lives easier now, use those savings, why not, and think yourself lucky to have the money handy and to be able to do it. What would you do otherwise? Save the money until it becomes many more thousands, and then what?

Akire · 20/02/2021 16:13

Ask the aunt, if she cares enough to save for them I’m sure she would love to be asked. If it was only for a car or Uni fees then surely she would have said. If your kids have extra needs and this would really help them day to day go for it.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/02/2021 16:14

@Disressingtimes

If the aunt hadn’t given your children money how would you be buying these things?

I think the money is theirs, you shouldn’t be spending it on things that are a parents job to provide.

I think you're working on the opposite of the "sunk costs" fallacy! The OP is lucky to have the money available now and unless the aunt objects and says this wasn't her intention, the family is able to benefit from the aunt's kind generosity to make the son's life better now. Who knows what may happen in future?
NeedToGetOuttaHere · 20/02/2021 16:18

I’d ask the aunt too.

Chewbecca · 20/02/2021 16:18

I put money into an account for my step grandchild.

Illogical though it may seem, I would be a bit peeved if her parents spent it now. I see furnishing their bedroom as the parents' responsibility to fund.

I am putting money away for the SGC to access themselves when they're over 18.

Mellonsprite · 20/02/2021 16:20

I think it would be ok to use the money but pay it back.
Ultimately I do think it’s the parents responsibility to furnish the room, but if it isn’t going to get done otherwise I would see it as temporarily borrowing it.

Shaiva · 20/02/2021 16:22

I don’t see why the aunt needs asking tbh as their was no conditions put on it.

She will most likely be over the moon it’s being put to such good use. Send her pictures of the kids enjoying their new rooms.

rookiemere · 20/02/2021 16:22

My DPs put money into an account for DS that we can access. We used it at Christmas time as the laptop he wanted for school was a lot pricier than we had budgeted for. Figured that was an ok use as for educational purpose. Same way getting a room done up is something lasting so it’s an ok use.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 16:23

I think I will talk to the aunt.

We don’t get DLA for either - I don’t know whether they’d be eligible?! Maybe I’ll check but I suspect we earn too much which is obviously fine.

OP posts:
Shaiva · 20/02/2021 16:25

@Chewbecca

I put money into an account for my step grandchild.

Illogical though it may seem, I would be a bit peeved if her parents spent it now. I see furnishing their bedroom as the parents' responsibility to fund.

I am putting money away for the SGC to access themselves when they're over 18.

You put conditions on the money your giving them. The aunt in the OP hadn’t so it’s different circumstances
Chewit2022 · 20/02/2021 16:25

Do you not have any savings yourself?

If not, then definitely

Otherwise, no

gamerchick · 20/02/2021 16:26

@Merryoldgoat

I think I will talk to the aunt.

We don’t get DLA for either - I don’t know whether they’d be eligible?! Maybe I’ll check but I suspect we earn too much which is obviously fine.

DLA isn't means tested. David Cameron claimed it for his kid. It's their money and you should claim it for them.
laudete · 20/02/2021 16:27

I'd suggest you ask the aunt. If this type of thing wasn't her intention and she finds out you dipped into the kids' savings, she may stop paying into accounts that you can access. If she's happy with using the money for their immediate benefit, this seems a practical thing that will bring real enjoyment.

firsttimemama · 20/02/2021 16:28

I would use half. I may “borrow” the whole amount to get the job done, and then pay back in half, in instalments if necessary when the other debts are cleared. I see it as partly the parents responsibility to decorate /furnish, but if the improvements would be enhancing for him and necessary for that. I would view that as an acceptable use of sons money. BTW I have done this myself.

PrinnyPree · 20/02/2021 16:29

I'd say ask the Aunts permission, but if you use the money you pay it back.

If I started a savings account for my nephew I'd definitely be a bit miffed if it got spent decorating his room as its his money and children shouldn't really have to pay to decorate their own room. However I wouldn't mind if the parent needed it short term and paid it back.

Love51 · 20/02/2021 16:29

@ChippyChickenChips

I'd use the money. I have a DD with sen and I'd do anything to make life better sooner rather than later. I'd pay it back gradually with regular manageable amounts.
I don't have children with Sen, I work with children with Sen. Do what you as parents decide is best for the child.

My parents gave me money when the children were born and been crystal clear it was for anything I wanted, gas bill, holiday, childcare, longer mat leave. DHs aunt hasn't put restrictions, check if you are worried!

MixedUpFiles · 20/02/2021 16:30

For me it would depend on the intention. We have gotten some contributions from relatives in that go directly into an account for dd that is for education only and it’s purpose is clear.

She has also gotten money that is just money for a birthday or a bit in a valentines card and has gone into her personal savings account.

M0rT · 20/02/2021 16:30

I would spend it now.
My DSis asks for clothes and books for her DC as her house is full of toys.
I'm happy with that, I'm giving a gift from a place of love not to meet my shopping needs.
When I want to indulge my inner child and buy toys I donate them to children's charities.