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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use son’s money for this

314 replies

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 14:55

My sons have savings - around £3k each which has accumulated over the last few years from DH’s aunt who kindly puts an amount away for them monthly.

We have control over these accounts. Our sons are 3 & 8. DH’s aunt has made no conditions about how the money should be spent.

Both sons have additional needs (autism) and older boy’s room needs redoing. He’s got various obsessions and interests and his room is tricky to organise. We need to upgrade the furniture and storage. We’re thinking a high sleeper with a desk and wardrobe abs bookcases underneath then proper toy storage in the room too.

Parent A thinks we should save ourselves for this but it will be a while as we’re paying off a car and both are averse to taking on more debt

Parent B thinks we could use the money from DH’s aunt but isn’t wedded to it.

We can’t quite agree on the right choice. It’s not causing any friction but parent B wavers.

First world problem I know!

YABU - use the savings

YANBU - wait and pay the car then do the room.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 20/02/2021 18:17

Absolutely use it on the room, I give money to a niece and would much rather it was spent on something "sensible'' like updating her bedroom instead of fast fashion and make up I don't say anything though.

Siepie · 20/02/2021 18:18

Personally I wouldn’t use it to furnish a child’s room, but then I don’t have much experience with autistic children. If his room is causing significant distress, I would use the money rather than leaving your son unhappy. If it’s just a ‘nice to have’, I’d wait.

His needs could change in the next few years anyway - by the time you’ve finished paying this money back, he might want less toy storage and a bigger computer desk, for example. Would you then have to take more money out of his account?

Do check with the aunt as well. My grandma put money aside for me in a similar way and it caused a big family row when my parents let me spend it on a v expensive school trip in sixth form, but a few posters have said a school trip is exactly the right thing to spend it on!

Youseethethingis · 20/02/2021 18:25

They're accessible so the child can get at the money
Again, like ISAs for long term untouchable savings, there are more appropriate accounts for pocket money when a child is 7 years or older.
Not a savings account set up at birth thats only accessible via their parents.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 20/02/2021 18:29

An acquaintance's daughter spent the first 5 years of her working life paying for the attic conversion in her mother's home. When her younger sister was born she didn't want to share a bedroom and the agreement was she would pay the money back when she was older.

I think some things are for the parents to pay. If the money is used then it should be paid back.

m0therofdragons · 20/02/2021 18:29

@Chewit2022 nope, it’s a basic requirement for a dc - suitable living conditions would include furniture.

DishedUp · 20/02/2021 18:30

The money is clearly not intended for that. Furnishing his room is realistically your responsibility

I think if things were really tight I would be okay with it as the aunt, but they obviously aren't that tight as you've bought a 7k car. Its a bit shitty to buy a reasonably expensive car and then take money from your sons savings to do up his room.

I would probably borrow from the account and set up a standing order or something to repay it. Say 50 a month or whatever you can afford.

SecretSpAD · 20/02/2021 18:32

My parents gave me money when the children were born and been crystal clear it was for anything I wanted, gas bill, holiday, childcare, longer mat leave. DHs aunt hasn't put restrictions, check if you are worried!

Yes, this. I don't understand why anyone would want parents to struggle and therefore for a child to not have things he or she need now, when there is money available rather than save it for some nebulous point in the future (where if the kids are anything like we were when we were 18 any inheritance/savings were pissed up a wall!).

Viviennemary · 20/02/2021 18:32

I think if you use the savings it should be with the intention of paying the money back.

ChippyChickenChips · 20/02/2021 18:33

No child is going to be wowed by a storage system!

You'd be surprised. My dd with sen would spend hours rearranging it to her liking. She'd be ecstatic.

52andblue · 20/02/2021 18:34

DLA is not income related so no harm in applying.
It is not necessarily easy to get for a condition such as ASD though.

I think the ASD is the thing here. Normally, furnishing a room out of money given to a child would be a bit odd. BUT this might improve his quality of life now and you can repay into the Aunt's money over time. Check with her if you can and you'll feel better.
I have used some of my ASD child's DLA to buy particular things to help him organise his environment better. He is calmer, feels more of a sense of self reliance / control and it is worth it for those things alone. It's not a case of just using Aunts money for a nice new bed because you don't want to pay for it.

Lancrelady80 · 20/02/2021 18:36

Use the money now BUT set up a standing order the moment you take it out to pay a certain amount back into the account each month to replace it. We had to do that when the car died.

Just using it and saying "we'll replace it when we can/when x is paid off" etc won't work. There'll always be something else that needs doing. Instead, decide how much you can afford to repay each month, how many months it'll take and set it up. Even if it's £20 a month.

52andblue · 20/02/2021 18:37

I'd DEFO 'pay it back' over time though. As another poster said, for a child with ASD to have a small sum 'behind them' as they reach 16 /18 is invaluable. It's my biggest worry.

Lancrelady80 · 20/02/2021 18:40

Oh, and try eBay, Facebook marketplace etc to cut costs first!

mootymoo · 20/02/2021 18:42

I would use the money now and put it back later!

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 18:45

Ok. Thanks everyone. Fairly evenly split - we’ll talk to DH Aunt and make a decision.

OP posts:
rossclare · 20/02/2021 18:47

I used to put money in to an account for my niece. I hadn't said how i foresaw it being spent, but in my head it would be used for Uni, a car, a house deposit - life changing things.

I found out that my brother was using it for things like those sleeping bags that were popular a few years ago and i was so disappointed.

I stopped the money immediately, but i wish that i'd said at the beginning that i would like it spent on x,y,z.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 20/02/2021 18:49

@Merryoldgoat - you're in a tough spot and I can see how it would benefit your son abs you'll replace it. Personally I'd have no qualms about doing it.

On a side note, i wanted to say that you should definitely explore DLA - it's not means tested and it could be very important to get your son the award as it can help with access to other support services as well as the monetary aspect.

Seek even online advice before you return your claim, though. It's very important to complete it throughly and with as much supporting info as possible.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 18:54

@MyGazeboisLeaking

Thank you - I will look at DLA. I have literally zero idea about it - I assumed it was means tested but it would be great to have funds to pay for OT or similar help for him.

OP posts:
WaltzForDebbie · 20/02/2021 19:07

Something else to bear in mind is that most teenagers don't like highsleepers and you are supposed to get thin mattresses for them that aren't very comfortable. If he gets tall his feet will hit the end. So you might end up spending out again in 4-5 years when he grows. Is there a cheaper way you could add storage without going for the highsleeper?

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 20/02/2021 19:10

My son had a Scalleywag high sleeper with matching furniture, that was very versatile but quite expensive.

Livelovebehappy · 20/02/2021 19:11

I would ask the aunt, but tbh, as the parents, things like decorating the house should fall to you. Would doubt that your aunt would intend for the money to be used to fund stuff that ultimately are down to parental responsibility.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 19:14

@WaltzForDebbie

Something else to bear in mind is that most teenagers don't like highsleepers and you are supposed to get thin mattresses for them that aren't very comfortable. If he gets tall his feet will hit the end. So you might end up spending out again in 4-5 years when he grows. Is there a cheaper way you could add storage without going for the highsleeper?
We’d pass it to his brother then. I did think about this and thought the same but realised his brother will be 8 in 5 years so perfect to pass along then.
OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 20/02/2021 19:15

I would never tap into my DC's money for something like this as I would consider it frivolous. Depending on how self sufficient your boys will be in the future, the money would be better spent on education / driving lessons etc, etc.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 19:18

@Alexandernevermind

I would never tap into my DC's money for something like this as I would consider it frivolous. Depending on how self sufficient your boys will be in the future, the money would be better spent on education / driving lessons etc, etc.
I would be very surprised if either could drive in the future. I’m expecting them to be living with us a long time.
OP posts:
SusannahSophia · 20/02/2021 19:21

@Merryoldgoat, people who have NT children and/or plenty of money aren’t going to understand. Spend it now, repay it when you can afford it.
Apply for DLA, expect to be turned down, then appeal. Get someone to help you to fill in the DLA forms.