To use son’s money for this

[Merryoldgoat]

My sons have savings - around £3k each which has accumulated over the last few years from DH’s aunt who kindly puts an amount away for them monthly.

We have control over these accounts. Our sons are 3 & 8. DH’s aunt has made no conditions about how the money should be spent.

Both sons have additional needs (autism) and older boy’s room needs redoing. He’s got various obsessions and interests and his room is tricky to organise. We need to upgrade the furniture and storage. We’re thinking a high sleeper with a desk and wardrobe abs bookcases underneath then proper toy storage in the room too.

Parent A thinks we should save ourselves for this but it will be a while as we’re paying off a car and both are averse to taking on more debt

Parent B thinks we could use the money from DH’s aunt but isn’t wedded to it.

We can’t quite agree on the right choice. It’s not causing any friction but parent B wavers.

First world problem I know!

YABU - use the savings

YANBU - wait and pay the car then do the room.

I voted YABU because it's not your money. However, you do have the ability to speak to the aunt and ask her if she would mind you using some of the money for this.

Parenting a child with special needs always involves more costs. Have you applied for DLA? If not, why not? Your older son will qualify now and the younger one when he turns 5.

My father put money aside for my kids. It was to enhance their lives. We have used it for different things such as a school trip that was out of our budget, paid for extra physio sessions for our ds and a childminder so that we could be in hospital with one of the children. we have mostly not touched it. If this is something that will enhance his life then do it. We did speak to my father and he said that is what it is for .

That money should be for his future. Maybe swap the car for a cheaper one if it is being given priority over DS’s needs?

I wouldn't use it for this. If you spend the money on things you'd have purchased anyway, then the gift would essentially be to you not the children. You'd just be using it to pay your own bills. If it's at all possible, I always ensure that monetary gifts are saved or spent on 'extras': luxuries I wouldn't have been expected to buy.

Are your children getting dla? That would cover this sort of thing.

PIP says this
You can get PIP whether you’re working or not.

You must be aged 16 or over and usually have not reached State Pension age to claim.

You must also have a health condition or disability where you:

have had difficulties with daily living or getting around (or both) for 3 months
expect these difficulties to continue for at least 9 months
You usually need to have lived in England, Scotland or Wales for at least 2 of the last 3 years, and be in one of these countries when you apply. If you’ve recently returned from living in an EEA country, you might be able to get PIP sooner.

PIP is for adult children. DLA available from age 5.

It’s not related to earnings, it’s calculated on the child’s needs.

Regardless, I would use the savings in the meantime. A lot of assumptions here that it’s for your son’s futures. The present is more important. Especially when you have children who need extra support. I have two of them and investment in their childhood will influence their future.

If the aunt is keeping track and mentions at a milestone birthday for example how much they have, might cause friction. As some have said, once you sip into it, it probably won't be replaced, especially as it will take 2 years for the car payment and whatever else comes up in life. Aunt's offer is a gift to the kids, you'd still need to look after them even of the aunt wasn't contributing. I'd leave the money and scrimp elsewhere.

@Merryoldgoat the future is uncertain for all children. Your DS’s may go on to be high earners in their special interest or not or something else entirely! We have a very fluid approach to money in our family. You have secondary school and puberty to navigate yet and all the hoops that presents. Be happy now, have the best home environment now. It reads like your boys are loved and supported and I imagine that when money is available that you plough it into their well-being.

If you go ahead tag me on the room design .

Use the savings then replace the money.

@RollWithThePunches said it better!

Oh well given some of the views on this thread if I ever have grandchildren, I will save separately for them long-term and give them money for fripperies. If my son wanted to buy something like a high sleeper bed for his offspring but couldn't afford it, I might buy it as a separate thing, but I wouldn't expect the child's savings to be used.

@poppycat10 sounds wise to keep the savings if you have a specific use for them in mind. Lovely that you would fund fripperies and consider buying beds and long term savings.

I know this isn't what you asked but as someone else mentioned DLA I just wanted to hop on and say that DLA is not means tested and is for any child that needs more support than an average child of the same age (regardless of whether or not they have a diagnosis). The forms are long but definitely worth completing and any money you get can be used for your child as you (as parent/carer) see fit.

I would speak to the aunt but if I was putting money into a bank account for a nephew I would have no issues with it being used for the nephew for his room which is the only space in the house that is entirely for him. I have always allowed my sons to have their rooms decorated however they wanted as I get a say in every other room.

It is all well and good pp saying things like use it for driving lessons or a house deposit but unless you have witnessed or have first hand experience of having children with ASD then you may not realise the possible limitations.

My best friend's DD has ASD. She went into supported housing at 18 due to her behaviour at home which was endangering the other children in the house. She remained there until 21 when you are meant to have learned all the basics of looking after yourself, bill paying etc and she was then moved into normal housing association housing. My friend lurches from one incident to the next with her DD. She is now 38, classed as a vulnerable adult by the police and social services. My friend describes it as having a 10 year old who never learns from their mistakes. She is terrified of a time when she is no longer here to fix all the problems for her DD.

I think re-doing his room will be lovely for him. Definitely look into DLA for them both.

If the rooms need doing now could you not use Aunts money. Then when you have paid the car off add funds to the boys account to 'pay them back as such.

How long would it take to save? Personally if I thought it would affect sons life to wait negatively, I’d do it now. Don’t tell aunt. But replace as soon as possible.

I think you should apply for DLA for both of them. If he requires an ehcp then he will qualify. You still have to show his needs, it’s not a given, but I’d assume he needs a lot of support.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to use the money but I would personally wait the short period. Buy some parts and get started on what you can and then buy it when he is awarded (or use savings if he isn’t).

Sometimes people who don’t have disabled children can assume what money goes on. My DS gets DLA and I am still always skint as he always needs something, or I use it to improve quality of life by going on short trips (he loves to travel), classes and even therapies.

I think you would be reasonable to use the money for therapies, special classes or reports for his EHCP also as these would hugely benefit him.

@RightSaidRed

I know you mean well but I have two children who are very unlikely to be high earners. The 3 year old is severely delayed and I’m currently watching him hoot and spin in circles. The older I would expect will be able to work in some capacity but I doubt he’d have the application required to be a high earner.

Yes, the future is uncertain for all children but I think it’s a false equivalency to compare children with additional needs to those who don’t.

For those who asked: it never occurred to me the boys might qualify for any financial support. My DH and I have fairly well paid jobs and whilst money is a bit tight at the moment we’re very far from the breadline thank goodness.

I have downloaded the form and will look at what’s required for next week. I’ve just had EP, OT and SALT assessments done for the EHCP so should have enough evidence.

Thank you all.

I’m going to look at our budget for next month. We’ve had a fairly expensive start to the year but this should pass and now PIL are vaccinated they’ve advised they want to restart our childcare bubble.

I’ve also just realised that this thread is nearly irrelevant - younger DS will get 30 free hours from April and I’ll save around £600 a month then so a) the room becomes very doable and b) car can get paid off much earlier.

Fucking hell. I could’ve saved 10 pages if I’d remembered that. Christ. Really sorry.

Um. Well, the aunt did not specify this money for anything specific. I would suggest using a portion of this money on the room, but being very certain that each piece purchased will be something that can grow and evolve with him. Nothing that cannot be used for years to come.

Make it a sensory room. It will be a huge investment and be meaningful to them. Let your kids pay.

As we have all learned in the last year
Time is short. Speak to the aunt about your plans. We all need to do what we have to do to be comfortable and content at the moment. Good luck to you all

I'd ask Aunt, but I'd also pay it back if I did use it. To me things like a room are the parents responsibility. With autism the life long needs will be big, to me that money is for the future.

@Merryoldgoat I didn’t want to limit your boys by making assumptions as a stranger not knowing their difficulties. Great news on imminent financial lightbulb moment. Looks like room and early car loan payment are in sight! Good luck!

Your son wants a room fit for use.
Right now he is going to be home a lot still.
Use the money and do his room, he will thank you far more for having more space to use to play than he will looking at an amount in a bank account.
People are so , ah you can't spend his savings, they get caught up in it.
Sell his items your getting rid of and add that back, old clothing on facebook, and when times improve and your better off , if you really feel the money was not well spent then add it back.
As his Aunt I would be thrilled if you told me I had paid for his room to be updated, and that the money had been used for a definite reason and not spent on discarded toys.