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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use son’s money for this

314 replies

Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2021 14:55

My sons have savings - around £3k each which has accumulated over the last few years from DH’s aunt who kindly puts an amount away for them monthly.

We have control over these accounts. Our sons are 3 & 8. DH’s aunt has made no conditions about how the money should be spent.

Both sons have additional needs (autism) and older boy’s room needs redoing. He’s got various obsessions and interests and his room is tricky to organise. We need to upgrade the furniture and storage. We’re thinking a high sleeper with a desk and wardrobe abs bookcases underneath then proper toy storage in the room too.

Parent A thinks we should save ourselves for this but it will be a while as we’re paying off a car and both are averse to taking on more debt

Parent B thinks we could use the money from DH’s aunt but isn’t wedded to it.

We can’t quite agree on the right choice. It’s not causing any friction but parent B wavers.

First world problem I know!

YABU - use the savings

YANBU - wait and pay the car then do the room.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2021 19:03

Can I just clarify - I’m not talking about decorating which surely means paint, carpets etc.

I’m talking about a specific bed and storage.

OP posts:
squooz · 21/02/2021 19:04

Having a son with ASD his room is an important safe space for him and a couple of years ago I redid it using wall decals to decorate according to his obsession and to give him a wall full of shelves for his own ‘library’ - best thing I did - he loved it and was so happy - if you can make his room really functional for his needs whilst also giving nooks and spaces to showcase his special interests it will make him very happy in that space and that can be really important for kids with ASD. I often used bigger money gifts from relatives to buy practical things for my DS with ASD because often they help his happiness and well being and that’s what I tell the rellies and they are all very happy to support him.

user1487194234 · 21/02/2021 19:15

I give my nieces and nephews money at birthdays and Christmas and honestly couldn’t care what their parents spend it on

Workinghardeveryday · 21/02/2021 19:17

Sorry but as I understand you want to do these things, I really think the Aunt did not give the money for this but for their future!! Deposit for first house etc etc. Unless you know for sure you can pay it back quickly, I would definitely not spend it!!!!

Middersweekly · 21/02/2021 19:19

YANBU the money will be used for the betterment of your sons personal space and bedroom. It’s for him, not for you or your DH. I think he will be happy the money has been spent on creating him a new and happy environment/ safe space.

FuckyouBrennan · 21/02/2021 19:20

@Merryoldgoat no problem. We’ve just made a sensory room for my son, the stuff isn’t cheap & it has made a massive difference to his life.

Umbongoumbongo999 · 21/02/2021 19:21

Use the savings. This is a specific benefit to your dc, and is something above the basics that you are already providing. It is also something they will use/enjoy for years. There's a balance between planning for the future and enjoying the now.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/02/2021 19:22

@Merryoldgoat

Can I just clarify - I’m not talking about decorating which surely means paint, carpets etc.

I’m talking about a specific bed and storage.

I don’t see a difference between paint or a bed. Both are down to parents to provide not a child to buy them themselves from savings.
BraveGoldie · 21/02/2021 19:26

Definitely talk to the aunt.

I would expect her to think it was a great way to spend the money.... something that helps her nephew, maybe even brings him happiness, every day, for ages? And then might do the same for the second nephew? Surely none of us could ask for a better way for a gift to be spent? And it's only a proportion of the gift too....

Honestly, I don't get why this wouldn't be ok. Do we think the aunt would prefer that money to be spent on sweets and playstations? Or why would it be better to deprive kids now - when their development is so crucial in order to save the money for later?

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2021 19:27

@Workinghardeveryday

Sorry but as I understand you want to do these things, I really think the Aunt did not give the money for this but for their future!! Deposit for first house etc etc. Unless you know for sure you can pay it back quickly, I would definitely not spend it!!!!
Deposit for first house - Christ if only!

I doubt that’s on the cards Sad

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 21/02/2021 19:31

I get that it's not right if the parents could pay and are instead using the money they would spend on furniture for a personal holiday for themselves but that's not the case.....

In this case, either DS gets what he needs and will help him now by using the aunts gift or he won't get it for a significant time. The Aunt is contributing money to make her nephews' lives better..... I can't imagine she would object!

RightSaidRed · 21/02/2021 19:33

@Merryoldgoat I would spend the money and get the room done. If you can fit one of these in they are brilliant for special interests and collections as all the treasures can be seen but do not need dusting.

To use son’s money for this
RightSaidRed · 21/02/2021 19:34

These!

To use son’s money for this
linsey2581 · 21/02/2021 19:34

@Merryoldgoat Family fund is not means tested. Our son got a computer and a voucher towards a holiday to Disneyland Paris (which has been cancelled 3 times because of COVID fingers crossed for November)

gamerchick · 21/02/2021 19:39

Family fund applications can and are rejected due to income. It depends on how much money is available.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2021 19:41

@linsey2581

Maybe it’s changed? It’s very clear that you need to be in receipt of a qualifying benefit - I’ve attached a pic from the website

To use son’s money for this
OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2021 19:43

@RightSaidRed

That’s fabulous! He’d love that for his cubes and cars

OP posts:
Sosco76 · 21/02/2021 19:44

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned but if you don't receive Disability Living Allowance for your sons already, then this might be a route to explore.

roxanne119 · 21/02/2021 19:47

I would use it but be thrifty with how it’s used and replace it when you can . I have children on the spectrum and it benefits them to have order and control

linsey2581 · 21/02/2021 19:51

@Merryoldgoat we don’t have any of those benefits however son previously had DLA but has now moved to pip. Family fund are fantastic. They can provide garden equipment, holiday vouchers, sensory equipment, beds, an extra washing machine or dryer or fridges if you require it for any medication. If you haven’t already I do strongly advise that you apply for dla, I didn’t do it when my son was diagnosed at 4 as I didn’t want to admit that my son was disabled I was still going through that grieving type process. But I’m glad I did as I’ve managed to buy things that gives him a better quality of life. And from 1 asd mum to another just remember your doing a fantastic job x

caringcarer · 21/02/2021 19:54

You as his parents should find his bedroom furniture. Surely the money is to save for him until he is older. Having additional needs you as parents should look after all of his current needs but when he is older he should look after his own needs and could use these savings to help him. You could ask Aunt but really I'd be surprised if she meant it to pay for stuff normal parents provide and more likely meant it as a nest egg for child.

BBCdramaaddict · 21/02/2021 19:55

I took some money out of my sons account to pay for a car seat he needed and we couldn’t really afford at the time. We could have bought a much cheaper one but I wanted one with great reviews. I did feel guilty about it though. It friends how much is need and how much is want imo. Can it wait a little?

RightSaidRed · 21/02/2021 19:56

@Merryoldgoat best thing we ever got DD. ASD can result in a very messy bedroom. Once all the collections were visible the searching for tiny things and subsequent mess reduced dramatically. Also that unit has a key which means when friends/family are over anything precious can be kept safe.

House deposits may not feature in the future but £3,000 has the potential to grow in excess of the savings limit for benefits when DS is an adult - particularly if lovely aunt keeps adding to it Smile so I would spend the money and I hope you have a fun time choosing new things and making a nest for DS.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 21/02/2021 19:57

Thank you @linsey2581

It’s very nice to hear that and I really appreciate it Flowers

And thank you to all other posters who understand the challenges of raising two children with ASD regardless of how you think the money should be spent Flowers

It’s not what we expected but it is what it is and out sons are our world.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 21/02/2021 20:01

I'd use the savings. If Dh aunt didn't specify what it was for then you could have wasted it on toys over the years for all she knows. However, you chose to save it and now is a good time to put some of it to good use for the benefit of your dc.