She said we aren't actually "friends" aibu here?

[beeinmybonnett]

Around 18 months ago I became "friends" with someone through work.
She left after a month but we stayed in contact.
Texting every day and met up once or twice monthly.
We went for food,drinks,a weekend away and she even stayed at my house on occasion.

I found out from a mutual friend she had been saying some pretty nasty things about me.
I told her what I heard expecting her to say it wasn't true or laugh it off.
Instead she got defensive "why are you accusing me of that"
I told her I wasn't and it was just what I heard
Then she said "look I've met you probably 15 times,we are not friends,there really is no reason for you to even message me about this non event"
"Please don't contact me again"
I replied saying "sorry I'm confused as to what's happened here,have I done something to upset you?"
She replied "you have asked me and I've told you ,we aren't friends,please fill your time with something worthwhile,I won't reply to you anymore after this exchange "

I'm confused
She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong.
I'm really upset ,I thought we were friends.
What did I do ?

Oh, and I recommend avoiding all contact. Block her. Don't get into dialogue as she will twist it. If she comes crawling back, ignore her.

Count yourself lucky Op you have found out so early in the friendship. I wasted years on someone like that. She had no friends from when she was at University (of course she was the victim). She would fall out with other friends, but it was never her fault. She ended up after years of friendship doing something really very nasty. When I pulled her up on it she fell out with me. She didn't speak to me for over a year. Then all of a sudden she wanted to brush it under the carpet as if it hadn't happened. She kept messaging me. I went with ignore, ignore, ignore.

Why does every fucking thing need to have a label?

It doesn't have to. But sometimes imho it is helpful to try and understand a person's behaviour in terms of how it may relate to a personality disorder or a MH issue. That doesn't excuse people for dickish behaviour, but it may provide reasons, which in turn might help the OP feel assured it's not her fault.

Be kind to yourself and grieve then move on.

Might hurt now but I think you are better off without that type of ‘friend’

MrsJBaptiste - if it's a recognisable condition - and Borderline is - it helps put it all into perspective. It's a pattern of behaviour that is sad rather than bad. I'm sorry you find it difficult to understand that.

She sounds like a crazy person. Be glad you found out now.

She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong

Like lots of other posters I’m highlighting this as it sounds like you are part of a long list of people cast out for an imagined slight against her. It’s not about you in the end and you’d be wasting your time to try and work out what’s happened.

I’m not very keen on armchair MH dx either. Personality disorders are not that easy to diagnose and often comorbid with other MH problems so it seems unfair to use these labels so casually. So many women are misdiagnosed with Emotionally Unstable PD and I don’t think it gives the OP any perspective, nor should OP waste time speculating about PD. Far better to use energy on seeing other friends.

Honestly op she sounds like a dick, good riddance.

I had a friend like this. We had a long standing work arrangement together. Covid knocked it on the head. When things picked up again I made arrangements with her to pick up where we left off to find she’d arranged to do it with someone else. Not a bloody word to me. Haven’t really heard from her since. No idea what happened there, as far as I know we hadn’t fallen out, she just didn’t bother to inform me that my services were no longer required. Really hurtful actually.

Anyone who tells you they've fallen out with more than one person in the past...is probably a nasty person. Run.

"I'm confused" Of course it is shit behaviour.

"She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong." She sounds like a whole heap of trouble you are better off without.

"I'm really upset ,I thought we were friends." Maybe you were once but she sounds very screwed up so you are better off without.

"What did I do ?" I agree with purplecorkheart "Sounds like she does not want to be called out in her bad behaviour. Block and move on."

and Flatoutonsofa "Oh, and I recommend avoiding all contact. Block her. Don't get into dialogue as she will twist it. If she comes crawling back, ignore her."

You did nothing wrong.

Nasty. And she’s relying on you to blame yourself and think you did something wrong, but you didn’t.

You’re well shot and better off without that in your life. But I’m sorry you got hurt.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

She’s been caught out with her shitty behaviour and she’s turning it around on you to take the focus off herself and to save herself from having to explain why she’s been slagging you off behind your back.

The fact you say she’s fell out with many friends previously speaks volumes. And notice how she’s always the victim in that scenario? According to her “they’ve treated her poorly”. Bullshit. I’d put money on it being the other way around. If she’s done this to you, how many others has she done it to? Plenty I bet.

It’s tough when someone cuts you off like this and you know you haven’t done anything to warrant it. But I guarantee this isn’t about you doing anything wrong. She’s the one who did wrong and when she got caught out, she ran, rather than explain herself. You’re better off without “friends” like this.

YOU did not do one thing, and now you know why she has "fallen out" with numerous friends over the years. Heave a great sigh, and move on with an easy heart and mind. Some people just cannot be a friend. She is one of them, apparently.

This doesn’t surprise me at all.
My daughter was very close friends with a girl all through lower sixth. They kept in contact over the summer, although we were away travelling a lot.
The first day of upper sixth the girl totally blanked my daughter (nothing had happened). My daughter was desperately hurt, but thankfully she had lots of other friends. She heard from a few people that the girl has ‘suddenly’ dropped friends before.
My daughter found out the week before uni started that the girl was doing the same course & worried that there’d be awkwardness.
Then she received a series of Snapchat videos from the girl, in them she apologised profusely & said it hadn’t been my daughter’s fault & she didn’t want any difficulties at uni. My daughter just replied ‘Okay’
There are about 400 people (85% male) on the course, my daughter never encounters the girl, she has a fantastic group of friends, the girl, pre-Covid, rarely attended lectures & now doesn’t attend zoom lectures. My daughter realises now that the girl was never really her friend. Friend’s don’t hurt each other.
I would advise you to move on, that women is not your friend if she treats you so badly. You will feel bruised for a while, but ultimately, you have dodged a bullet.
My daughter has never been happier & has learnt to be more discerning about friends.
I hope you find someone worthy of your friendship.

She is not a nice person as you have now found out. I suspect, like others on here, when you brought up what you'd heard looking for an explanation she realised her game was up & it was just easier to shift the focus & blame & drop you. I understand your upset but I'd be cross too & block her & delete..she is not your friend & has few left by the sound of it

She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly she’s a cunt and has consistently been one.

You did nothing wrong. She's a nasty person. You are a good person. Here endeth all you need to know.

some people are like that unfortunately :( but hey, at least the trash took itself out 😌

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape op. She sounds like someone who doesn't understand what the concept of being a "friend" is , and quite frankly who needs enemies when you have "friends" like that. My advice - cut your losses and move on , you sound like a good friend , unlike her !

Ps just a thought she is "gaslighting" you. Its what domestic abusers do to their victims to make them seem neurotic /crazy when they are anything but (albeit on a smaller scale ).

I've had this sort of thing happen to me before, and it's bewildering and upsetting. It's difficult sometimes to figure out what's going on in other people's minds, and it sounds as though this person has issues. If she was a good friend for a while, maybe you should let her know that she can contact you again in the future if she wants to?

Agree with everyone else saying she clearly has serious previous form.

I’m reminded of Darcy’s observation about Wickham - ‘he is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends - whether he may be equally capable of retaining them is less certain’.

IME experience people who fall out with their friends all the time are bloody hard work. While at first you can feel that you've been taken into their confidence as they tell you all about their trials with someone, if they get on to their falling out with a second, third, fourth person, it's probably time to apply the brakes to the friendship.

I used to have a friend like this and while we never actually fell out, he did let me down sever times. It was entirely his own issues that underlay it all.