She said we aren't actually "friends" aibu here?

[beeinmybonnett]

Around 18 months ago I became "friends" with someone through work.
She left after a month but we stayed in contact.
Texting every day and met up once or twice monthly.
We went for food,drinks,a weekend away and she even stayed at my house on occasion.

I found out from a mutual friend she had been saying some pretty nasty things about me.
I told her what I heard expecting her to say it wasn't true or laugh it off.
Instead she got defensive "why are you accusing me of that"
I told her I wasn't and it was just what I heard
Then she said "look I've met you probably 15 times,we are not friends,there really is no reason for you to even message me about this non event"
"Please don't contact me again"
I replied saying "sorry I'm confused as to what's happened here,have I done something to upset you?"
She replied "you have asked me and I've told you ,we aren't friends,please fill your time with something worthwhile,I won't reply to you anymore after this exchange "

I'm confused
She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong.
I'm really upset ,I thought we were friends.
What did I do ?

The comment about her always falling out with people reminds me of this.

She doesn't like the fact you asked her about her two facedness and rather than apologise, she's chosen to stick the boot in.

She's right. She never was your friend. Just a cow.

Did you do her favours or treat her to stuff? Just wondering if she's a serial user.

She is the friend equivalent of a partner saying 'oh all my exes are crazy bitches which is why I'm still single'.

Her loss.

Texting every day and met up once or twice monthly.
We went for food,drinks,a weekend away and she even stayed at my house on occasion

OP By any chance did you find yourself paying for these lunches etc.?

You haven't done anything wrong, she's one of those CFs that goes through life causing constant drama, hence the lost friendships. You're well rid.

@TheWernethWife

You did nothing OP- she is a CF.

She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly

There's your answer, OP. They probably didn't treat her poorly, and were as shocked as you are when she suddenly turned against them. It was nice of you to befriend her, but please don't get caught up if she starts apologising, roping you back in and then dropping you again. It's not you, it's her.

I've occasionally met people like this, and they do the same to one person after another. Really not worth bothering with.

Sorry Werneth - I somehow attached my comment to yours.

I found out from a mutual friend she had been saying some pretty nasty things about me

Does this mean you were talking about her behind her back?

Are you seriously trying to twist this to make it the OPs fault? Why are you seeing a negative in a friend giving the OP a heads up of what nasty friend was saying about her?

You caught her out

Rather than acknowledging it, she’s diverting attention to you by making you the villain.

My mother did similar to me

Let me down over and over, when asked (not even challenging) about it, she denied it. In the face of all evidence she continued to deny it.

In the end - when she moved away (hundreds of miles) and told everyone about it except me, I watched it all unfolding, absolutely horrified and in disbelief

eventually when she got in touch to pass on her new address - weeks later - I emailed her and told her how hurt and bewildered I was that she’d done this and her answer was - as per your friend - “well we were never that close”

So I think they’re cut from the same cloth - is it narcissism? Dunno.

But they have a vision of who they think they are, it’s the opposite of the truth. They know what they are supposed to do/say, because they lie to others about the things they did for us (but didn’t)

I’m so sorry you got hurt. That wasn’t fair, you’re a good friend

I would however tell the mutual friend what has happened

I’d send screenshots under the guise of “WTAF!!??”

Expose this awful human

It’s not you love, it really isn’t !

She has slagged you off and knows she is in the wrong, that's why she got nasty/defensive.

Just don't bother with her anymore, she's hurt you so that's that, don't chase her friendship, she doesn't deserve it and you deserve friendship to be reciprocal. xxx

She has been saying stuff behind your back and doesn't like or is embarrassed that you called her out, good riddance.

I’ve met weird people before who categorise people into friends, work friends, acquaintances etc and I always think it’s a bit weird, if I know you socially then we’re friends, if I only know you through work and we don’t chat much then we’re colleagues but I don’t see the need to categorise any further than that.

It sounds like you’re well rid, she’s bonkers!

@Thingsdogetbetter

When she told you she had fallen out with NUMEROUS friends in the past, you should have recognised the huge red flag. Numerous friends treated her so badly she had to drop them! Really?

Surprises me when people think they are somehow immune from friend's shitty behaviour. "I knew she was a backstabbing bitch to everyone else, but I never thought she'd do it to me!" or "I knew she borrowed money off people and never paid it back, but I never thought she'd do it to me!"

I realise this one is a little less obvious, but she has a history off cutting off friends. And now she's done it to you rather than face up to the fact she's been bad mouthing you. She got caught and lashed out to deflect blame. And it worked! Instead of being angry at her, you're all caught up in whether this was a friendship or not.

Sharkcages are for friendships too!

This. I had a friend tell me once that some of her friends she no longer wanted to be friends with had phoned and asked her why she didn't call them anymore and didn't she like them anymore. She reassured them but told me laughing, ' No I don't want to be friends with them anymore'. I knew then that one day she would do the same to me. And she did. I carried on being friends with her as I liked her company but I was no longer emotionally invested in her as I knew I would have a sell by date for her.

Really. If you see someone being shitty like this to a friend, rest assured it will almost certainly be your turn at some point in the future.

Isn't this what happens when you confront a narcissist?

I’d be so temped to reply with ‘well aren’t you just a fucking loon, good riddance!’

You did nothing wrong OP, she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Block her OP she's not your friend. She obviously has issues.

Yep it's official, she is a fucking loon, loop the bloody loop, batshit crazy and an auld cow. I'd be tempted to text one last message telling her the reason she has fallen out with so many friends is because she is a Grade A Bitch and then block her.

She sounds awful. Lucky escape there OP! I know it’s hurtful and confusing but she’s clearly the one with issues, not you. Forget this clown.

I had a work colleague I was friendly with for a number years. It waned off a bit when I left the job but we still continued to meet occasionally. One day she contacted me to say she was going to be nearby and asked to meet me in a coffee shop. When I met her, she had lost a dramatic amount of weight. We chatted for awhile and then she mentioned meeting another mutual work colleague. My face must have fallen a little as she then stated that they met because they were 'friends' and we 'weren't really friends'. It was such an odd and rude thing to say me/anyone.

I was really shocked and hurt at the time. In hindsight she wanted to show off her weight loss. I can't imagine how insecure she was to have contacted me to meet up to validate/admire her weight loss. She showed her true colours that day.

You're much better off OP.

She sounds like a loon! I had a friend who would react like this whenever she was caught out, even with trivial stuff. She would deny, deny, deny even if she was caught red handed. Once she decided to eat a McD's in a bar & when the barman came over & told her she'd have to eat it outside she denied having it - even though she was clearly holding the bag.
You should text her one last time telling her you're glad you finally got to see her true colours.

Psychopath (her not you!)
You are well rid, ignore if she contacts you - don't get sucked in by her again.
You weren't friends because she's not capable of the feelings necessary for friendship.

You need to accept that sometimes a friendship means more to you than it does to the other person. Ive experienced this sort of thing more than once in my long life. What you consider to be a close friendship fizzles out suddenly over a seemingly trivial event. or difference of opinion. Seemingly the relationship never meant as much to the other person. No matter what you do you cant mend it.

You have done nothing wrong and have to move on. We cant make others over into the friends that we want or need.

Next time don't invest so much of yourself into a relationship.

Yes she's told you what happens with her friends.

Only now you can fill in the other side of her story.

Sorry this happened, it's hurtful.

We went for food,drinks,a weekend away and she even stayed at my house on occasion.

Sounds very much like a friendship to me.

She's nuts and you're well rid.

She’s batshit. You have spent more time with her than I have with my best friends! I would take this hint and leave her be; focus on those that deserve your attention.

What a CF, stay clear, horrible person to have around, hypocrite, bitchy and prone to gaslighting. Good riddance, interesting she is trying to make you feel as if you are in the wrong.