She said we aren't actually "friends" aibu here?

[beeinmybonnett]

Around 18 months ago I became "friends" with someone through work.
She left after a month but we stayed in contact.
Texting every day and met up once or twice monthly.
We went for food,drinks,a weekend away and she even stayed at my house on occasion.

I found out from a mutual friend she had been saying some pretty nasty things about me.
I told her what I heard expecting her to say it wasn't true or laugh it off.
Instead she got defensive "why are you accusing me of that"
I told her I wasn't and it was just what I heard
Then she said "look I've met you probably 15 times,we are not friends,there really is no reason for you to even message me about this non event"
"Please don't contact me again"
I replied saying "sorry I'm confused as to what's happened here,have I done something to upset you?"
She replied "you have asked me and I've told you ,we aren't friends,please fill your time with something worthwhile,I won't reply to you anymore after this exchange "

I'm confused
She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong.
I'm really upset ,I thought we were friends.
What did I do ?

I don’t believe for a minute this is about expectations around friendships or whether it was one or not. I think most people would consider this friendship if they were in it. The comments (which would be totally unnecessary if you were genuinely trying to cool a relationship) are just intentionally cruel as a defensive tactic. As most posts recognise. Please don’t focus on those posts that mention this angle - this behaviour really is not about you op.

I worked with someone like this. Not a friend, but we chatted a lot in the office about all sorts of things. Then she came back from a work trip and blanked me. Never spoke to me again! Never had anything like it happen to me professionally before. However, as I wasn’t invested in a friendship I just found it rather amusing. Had we been socialising out of work I’d have been upset. She didn’t stay with the company long after and I wondered if she’d fallen out with someone more significant (we weren’t in the same team). I also wondered if it was why she’d worked at a lot of different places!

She love bombed you

She sounds like a narcissistic psychopath.

That bitch is crazy, you've dodged a bullet there!

She's not worth any more of your thoughts. I'd imagine her defensiveness is all the proof you need that she was being nasty behind your back. It's good you found out now about her, rather than later.

It's possible that she has a personality disorder - perhaps Borderline. Try not to take it personally - difficult, I know, but she clearly has problems. It's not you, it's her.

I would text her back saying ... it’s no wonder you haven’t got any friends! And then block. She is clearly serial offender.

Block her and don’t wait for her to do it to you. She’s fallen out with those other friends for a reason. Sorry it happened to you.

@Giraffey1

I would text her back saying ... it’s no wonder you haven’t got any friends! And then block. She is clearly serial offender.

Bad idea. The OP just needs to block and move on.

Poor you OP. It’s awful when this happens and you can’t help but analyse what you may have done ‘wrong’ to the nth degree.

A similar thing happened to me. I now realise I was love bombed by her. She was a local mum and our ‘friendship’ went from 0-100 in days. I hadn’t experienced it before but we spent a lot of time together. Our DHs became friends. We’d have days out, holidays etc and then it suddenly stopped. She even rolled her eyes when I saw her in the street. I was devastated for a long time. It was like a break up. I didn’t know what I’d done ‘wrong’. I then recalled how much she’d bitched about previous friends, even current friends behind their backs and have seen how many BFFs have come and gone since our time (she lives locally).

Some people are off their rocker OP. This woman clearly got caught out by being a nasty bitchy gossip and that’s the best response she can come up with. You had a lucky escape for sure. You definitely don’t need “friends” like this woman in your life!

No wonder she's lost many friends, behaving like that! More fool her; she's likely to remain friendless all her life.

Not your fault at all, OP.

You sound as if you might be a bit overwhelming - texting every day! - and she went along with it for a while before it got too much. I wouldn't count a person I'd worked with for a month as any more than the barest acquaintance. It's a shame it ended in unpleasantness but perhaps next time you need to take things more slowly. Work colleagues are rarely more than that.

It’s very hard to understand some people’s poor behaviour . This is what this is poor behaviour. Sadly for what ever reason you pass through life and you meet people like this . You shouldn’t let this one incident put you off reaching out again to make friends . 😊

Not very nice person. Doesn't worth your friendship.

OP, this is the friendship equivalent of dating a man who tells you that all of his exs were "crazy".

Do not contact her again. People like her often exaggerate anything you do or take them out of context to use them against you. Take screencaps of your message where you confronted her and anything else relevant as there is a chance she will try and manipulate any shared contacts. After that, block her as these types of people always come crawling back like nothing has happened, be it months or years later.

In the future, someone saying they have had many bad friendships should be a red flag. Either the person is manipulative or has poor boundaries and tends to attract abusers. More often than not it will be the former, telling you this to gain sympathy and trust.

You did nothing she is being a part of the body that excrement comes out. It's likely that her previous "friendships" happened because of very similar circumstances. Don't worry about her. Cut her out your life, you're better than that.

You’ve done nothing wrong. She’s a pr* who got caught out. Don’t spend another minute worrying about it.

Does she have mental health problems? She sounds cookoo. You are better off away from her.

Even her claiming you weren't really friends doesn't make her being nasty about you ok. You have a perfect right to not be happy about someone being like that.

@LushAlice

It's possible that she has a personality disorder - perhaps Borderline. Try not to take it personally - difficult, I know, but she clearly has problems. It's not you, it's her.

Why does every fucking thing need to have a label?

She sounds like a twat who says shitty things like she has to the OP and as a result, has very few friends.

She's a cow. End of.

She is a very disloyal person.
I can imagine her "look, I love X, don't get me wrong, but....."
And then it gets back to X.
And then this happens.
This is why she's lost so many friends in the past.
In six months you will see/hear of her cosying up to the next victim.

Sounds like she was a user. The fact that she was talking about you behind your back means that she is not a true friend. I’ve had a few experiences like that and these people are not worth it.
You have done nothing wrong. She is the one with the problem.

I’ve learnt to keep friends at a distance. That way I don’t get hurt.

I used to have a 'friend' like this. Absolute nutcase. You've done nothing wrong. Learn from it, move on.