She said we aren't actually "friends" aibu here?

[beeinmybonnett]

Around 18 months ago I became "friends" with someone through work.
She left after a month but we stayed in contact.
Texting every day and met up once or twice monthly.
We went for food,drinks,a weekend away and she even stayed at my house on occasion.

I found out from a mutual friend she had been saying some pretty nasty things about me.
I told her what I heard expecting her to say it wasn't true or laugh it off.
Instead she got defensive "why are you accusing me of that"
I told her I wasn't and it was just what I heard
Then she said "look I've met you probably 15 times,we are not friends,there really is no reason for you to even message me about this non event"
"Please don't contact me again"
I replied saying "sorry I'm confused as to what's happened here,have I done something to upset you?"
She replied "you have asked me and I've told you ,we aren't friends,please fill your time with something worthwhile,I won't reply to you anymore after this exchange "

I'm confused
She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong.
I'm really upset ,I thought we were friends.
What did I do ?

Sounds like a nutter! You're well rid.

You have dodge a bullet, you don't need friends like that.

Next time don't invest so much of yourself into a relationship.

Ignore that, you didn’t invest that much, you should not keep away from people just because you stumbled upon a nasty person. She is the problem, not you.

Delete, block and move on

"I'm confused
She had previously told me she had fell out with numerous friends over the years after they treated her poorly,but I haven't done a thing wrong. I'm really upset ,I thought we were friends.^
What did I do ?"

What did you do? That's what your take is from this?

@beeinmybonnett, I truly am not having a go at you, but for your first thought to be that this is your fault, suggests to me that you are lacking in self esteem; and feeling better about yourself should be your priority.

You did nothing wrong. Think about what she told you, that she "fell out with numerous friends over the years". That bit is true, and you are the latest friend that she has fallen out with. But "after they treated her poorly" was just a lie. What is more likely, that so, so many people treated her poorly, or - that she is the one who treats others poorly? Who is the common denominator of all these falling outs? Her.

Please, work on why you assumed the fault was yours. It wasn't. It truly wasn't.

Please try not to let this worry you OP. Any reasonable person would see the relationship you described as a friendship. She just didn't like being called out on being awful about you behind your back and is saving face. Onwards and upwards, there are lots of lovely people out there who won't treat you this way.

I was hurt years ago by someone I had known since we were both 4. My partner cheated on me with someone this friend worked with. The OW knew that I knew her colleague (exP told her he knew her through me) and painted this picture of me as a jealous controlling hag. My friend said to the OW she didn't really know me that well and we were not what she would call friends. She had been to every birthday party of mine since the age of 5, we had started at each others houses as teens, and socialised a lot, even sharing a boyfriend at one stage. It cut me to the quick to hear that she didn't consider me a friend (I heard this from the OW, thought she was lying and asked my friend about it, she admitted she had said it and that it was how she felt). I was gutted so I know how it feels. Interestingly when she was struggling with her DH after they emigrated a few years later it was me she called, because I was her oldest friend... we are not close any more.

Definitely dodged a bullet here , she’s one of those people , we have all known someone like this who will move from friend to friend . She doesn’t see people as friends just as convenient people to pass time with . Her response was odd I agree someone else would deny it or laugh off but it’s most probably true . It’s not you it’s definitely her don’t worry about it she’s a user .

Sorry for late reply.
For some reason I haven't been able to get on Mumsnet all day.
No I wasn't slagging her off,a mutual friend told me to be careful what I say to her as she wasn't a true friend.
Then she told me things she had been saying.

She would pay for herself on nights /days out.
She even invited me to see her sisters band play last year (feb before covid ) so obviously I assumed we were friends.
I'm honestly a bit upset about it.

What a nasty woman she is! She's defensive because she's been caught out being a bitch. I'd be hurt too op. You've definitely dodged a bullet.

She sounds unhinged and you are better off without her. I had a similar incident with a ‘friend’ a few years ago. We were trying to arrange something nice for another friend and she decided to stop speaking to two of us because we said we couldn’t do the time she arranged. We were both working and had DC, she doesn’t and had no job at the time. It was bizarre, I was angry at the time but I can honestly say I don’t miss her. Someone who can treat you that badly isn’t a true friend and not someone you need in your life.

I know a few people like this. They get through friends like i change my socks. Best to keep them at arms length. They thrive on their own insecurity and drama.
You're well rid and you've done nothing wrong.

Of course you're upset OP, you've been blindsided by an absolutely horrible person. Please believe this - this is nothing you've done, this is her trying being defensive and turn it around on you.

Step away from the situation for a moment and you will see how ridiculous it is. Take her ridiculous defense at face value. So she didn't consider you to be friends. She went around slagging you off. You asked her why and if you'd done something. Her only defense - we aren't friends. It's still not a reason!

But of course you were friends. She's just caught out and going on the attack. Be grateful you found out now what she's like.

OP, you’re ignoring all the people telling you not to run after her.

I'm done asking questions or begging for her friendship.
I guess you never really know a person.
Like a lot have said Im assuming it's her with the problem not me.

Now you know why she’s got no friends!

She’s nasty. Block and ignore

It's her. Not you. She has issues 💐

Jesus OP! You've done nothing wrong. This woman has a screw loose from the sounds of it. You don't go on a weekend away with someone who isn't a friend...what a strange thing for her to say!

She’s vile, and you deserve better as friends. I would message her back “Ah, now I see why so many people have dumped you as a friend, haha” but I’m bitchy like that.

She's horrible. You're well rid.

@Lalliella
“Ah, now I see why so many people have dumped you as a friend, haha”

Love it

I used to know someone like this.
Whilst we were ‘friends’ over a few years, I heard about her fallouts with other friends.
I’d always thought it wasn’t her fault (only heard her side of course) but that was h til she did it to me. Suddenly went weird and found a reason to fall out with me. It was her pattern.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. This is a personality type that’s out there. Friends while it suits then ghost or deny when the time comes. They are an odd breed but you’re better off without such a fake friend.

I think if I did send her a bitchy reply that would be her "proof" to use to defend her actions.
Obviously that would be the reason she had to stop speaking to me.
I don't trust her at all now and clearly she loves to play the victim.

You have dodged a bullet. Forget her she is nasty. If she ever contacts you again ignore her. This is not your problem it’s hers.