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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
Five67Eight · 21/02/2021 08:56

Set it on fire - FFS, calm down.

NoCherryNoDeal · 21/02/2021 08:57

Wouldn’t it be classed as a deliberate fire?

I did say it was extreme!

NoCherryNoDeal · 21/02/2021 08:58

@Five67Eight

Set it on fire - FFS, calm down.
FFS lighten up.
NewHouseNewMe · 21/02/2021 09:03

Was there not a thread ages ago about a poster who had someone in their home who refused to leave it and were convinced that technically it was there's as they lived in it as a child?
Well that is definitely not true. The house belongs to whomever the land registry entry says!

dottiedodah · 21/02/2021 09:04

I think it is your house now and she hasnt got a "right" to it .As you say an elderly couple have been living there anyway. Dont feel bad about it and I think she is being unreasonable saying she had bad memories.

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2021 09:08

Oh I know @NewHouseNewMe but l remember similar calls to the OP about how they should 'be kinder and accommodating and let them sit and work out the issues or something and rubbish advice that the police could possibly remove the OP!

BunnyRuddington · 21/02/2021 09:12

I think I’d be a bit pissed off at somebody trying to spoil my enjoyment of my new home by telling me they had bad memories. Personally, I would speak strongly to Nicola about that regardless of whether Allison comes round

That's the bit I'd be pissed off about too. It's really unfair.

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 09:29

Oh I would hate the idea of this and absolutely would not allow it.
My home is my sanctuary, it’s private and it represents so much to me- peace, tranquility, happiness, freedom etc. I decide who is in my home.

I know that there were 3 owners before me, and as it happens I know quite a bit about the history of it as I know the last owner, and the owner before her was her mother, and that woman knew the original owners. I know there have been deaths in the house, I know there’s been the usual stresses and strains of life, the ups and downs that everyone contends with. But I also know that living here has been overwhelmingly positive for everyone that lived here, and they have happy memories of the place. I like knowing that, it means something to me. I would not be one bit happy with someone like Alison wanting to come in to get closure on something apparently so traumatic that she hadn’t been able to get closure on it in the decades since it happened. Nope. That’s what counselling is for. And her reaction is also an indication that she’s not someone who reflects the op, it’s still all about her.

Lockdownbear · 21/02/2021 09:30

It's the thought of her getting really upset and telling me what went on before that I wouldn't want to know.

I'd maybe feel different if it was a more upbeat request in the middle of next summer when the pandemic has settled down - I have great memories of that house and would love to visit - that I'd consider.

But not in the middle of a pandemic before people have vaccines, the bad memories thing puts me off too, as it could very well stir up other memories that shes suppressed.

Sally872 · 21/02/2021 09:37

I would have helped. I would have had the children out and allowed her a visit when safe. Most likely scenario is a 15 min visit with her reflecting quietly and some polite chit chat.

If you were worried about her needing some support you could have suggested she brought a friend.

That said it is your home and you don't owe her anything. I just believe in helping when I can. If you truly believe the house could be ruined for you or your children then it is understandable that you can't help, I just struggle to see a scenario that would ruin it for me.

TonightMatthew · 21/02/2021 09:38

I'm a very private person but I do think in the circumstances I would have let Alison come round. She's not a stranger, she's someone you know, even if you've not seen her for years. It's possible a walk round could help her and I really don't see how it impacts on you. Her experience there's doesn't impact on your enjoyment of the house.

Fair enough you've made your decision OP and seems like many on this thread would do the same, but I probably would have made a different one.

Nith · 21/02/2021 09:49

@NoCherryNoDeal

Wouldn’t it be classed as a deliberate fire?

I did say it was extreme!

It still wouldn't void the insurance. Do you really believe you can't claim on insurance if someone deliberately causes damage to something you possess?
Bringonthebloodydrama · 21/02/2021 09:49

I'd let her. But I am admittedly a people pleaser.

However, if it would help someone move on at the cost of a minor inconvenience to me, I'd want to help.

Sometimes seeing a place through adult eyes helps minimise its enormity in memories. I had a tricky time when I moved from primary infant school to the bigger middle primary... (had a teacher that shouted a lot and it reached a head when I ended up refusing to go). Well I purposely took my kids for a walk past there recently, and was amazed at how tiny it was. It helped. I'm 41 and that happened when I was 7.

Maybe Alison confided in Nicola the reasons for wanting to visit, without expecting Nicola to betray her confidence. Maybe the whole message hasn't been relayed properly. Maybe Alison was working up the courage to contact you directly and is upset Nicola interfered.

You know what though, life is hard and shit enough without some posters needing to write such aggressive responses. None of us know the full story, not even the OP.

SD1978 · 21/02/2021 09:50

To those saying OP is unreasonable. If the issue was abuse, you'd be good with being told/ finding out that serious sexual assault (for example) took place for years in the room that now has your kids in it? And that wouldn't affect how you see the house or the safe pace for your family?

TonightMatthew · 21/02/2021 09:53

Not really no...

SugarfreeBlitz · 21/02/2021 10:03

Some people, if you give them an inch will try and take a mile. I try not to give an inch to anyone I don't know well if it incurs on my personal space.

I'd assume Alison needs professional help , which you can't give her- or that she wants to wallow in something from the past. She should have said her goodbyes to the house when she left it or when it was for sale, really.

Even if Alision was abused there or something else happened, you can't change the past and a visit to the house doesn't change anything. It's not her home any more and maybe she needs a Dr, therapist or a priest to help her find peace.

Cindy87 · 21/02/2021 10:03

I'm really surprised that so many people are saying they would agree to this. I absolutely wouldn't. I'm sorry she had a bad time but that is what therapy is for. A person's home is their private space and no one has a right to affect your feelings towards it. Similarly, I have some horrible childhood memories but I would not only not want to revisit that house, even if I did I wouldn't ask that of someone who has now made it their home.

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 10:06

You know what though, life is hard and shit enough without some posters needing to write such aggressive responses. None of us know the full story, not even the OP.

Nobody has been aggressive. That word seems to be thrown out mostly by people who validate their own opinion by saying 'well I would help, but that's just the sort of person I am. I like helping others in every and any circumstances because I'm so pious, shame others have forgotten what it is to be kind Sad'.

These are awful times for everyone. Your home at least should be your private sanctuary, away from the misery of the world, and other people's problems. Alison is not the op's problem, she is under as much obligation to 'help' her as she is to some randomer who knocks with the same story one day. No is a perfectly acceptable answer, and the request was bloody weird. Especially doing it through a middleman (unless the friend has jumped the gun in asking of course).

fassbendersmistress · 21/02/2021 10:11

I think you are right to say no. Alison is being opportunistic. The thought of visiting the house may not have popped in to her head until she heard you had bought the house. Did she try to visit when it was owned by the other couple in the intervening years? If she was desperate she could have visited when it was ‘on the market’?

In any case, having been through lots of therapy for trauma, there are many ways you can address something that happened in a particular place without needing to visit it. So you saying no, whiskey disappointing for her, should not be holding her back in any way.

ThePlantsitter · 21/02/2021 10:11

In my case is not even the 'bad vibes' thing it's just that someone who grew up there would feel they had more ownership of the space than me and I would find that unsettling in my home.

I can understand why others would help and that's ok but I wouldn't, and that's ok too innit.

fassbendersmistress · 21/02/2021 10:12

** whilst not whiskey!!

Original poster
letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 21/02/2021 10:53

I’ve read all the responses and it’s still definitely not happening.

I don’t think she’d set fire to the house Grin but I still feel uneasy that she’d offload god knows and I’d be left with that. Every house will have its secrets - I’d prefer to keep it that way

OP posts:
Mrr3 · 21/02/2021 10:53

Hmm Why didn't she phrase it more natural or just inquisitive - I'd love to come around and have a look because it was my childhood home and to say goodbye /some other normal positive thing. Then she could have just walked around and done whatever it is she needs to do which is probably just stand in the rooms for a few moments to reflect.

Would have made it more possible and less weird for you. I also think it's unfair to impose her experience and negative association with your new home..that's her experience and memory and something connected to her family - not yours or your home

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 10:54

FFS OP she was probably abused and needs closure and a sense of peace, I highly doubt she's going to do anything awful like take a dump in your kitchen.

Original poster
letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 21/02/2021 10:55

@Mrr3

She doesn’t live locally anymore so she’d need to travel here. She’s about 2.5 hours away (We are all in Scotland)

OP posts:
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