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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
WagnersFourthSymphony · 21/02/2021 03:11

This is deeply weird. It's one thing to ask to look round a childhood home for old time's sake (which is a bit entitled, but often indulged) but quite another to go on about 'bad memories' you need to put right.

Neither is reasonable. But no one should feel remotely guilty about refusing someone casting negative vibes.
No matter how rational you think you are, someone like that leaves a trail of neediness behind that you can never entirely clean up.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 03:23

@gutful

Wow can’t believe you’re being so uptight & petty. How mean to get your heckles up just because your DH hasn’t met this person that you know. Just have her round for a cup of tea. It seems quite nasty to not permit this.

We had a knock on our door from a random old man who had lived in our house years prior. We let him in & he showed us photos of the house & told us lovely stories about the home’s history.

I really wonder what kind of person would begrudge someone this.

WOW I cannot believe you are comparing your pleasant experience ... Confused

with this deeply traumatic painful childhood trauma this person has asked to revisit ... in OP's new home Hmm

ClaryFairchild · 21/02/2021 03:42

I grew up with having my private space constantly invaded by community expectation that visitors had the right to see all parts of the house, and as the youngest was frequently turfed out of my room for visitors to stay in. As a result I rarely allow people into my bedroom, and my DSs get to choose, and usually just allow friends into their bedroom.

So no way would I have anyone through the private areas of the house. Public areas only.

I would guess that bad memories are more likely to occur in private rooms, so I definitely wouldn't allow this.

MyOtherProfile · 21/02/2021 03:56

If I was the Op I would have to find out what she expected to do at the house. Is it too late to ask your mutual friend how she intended to deal with these demons if she was invited in?

gutful · 21/02/2021 04:08

@BlueThistles does the OP expect to catch a ghost ? Or that the trauma will transfer over to her & curse the entire house?

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 04:10

OP has already explained several times now why she does not want anybody in her childrens bedrooms.. stirring up past childhood traumas.. she doesn't want anybody using her family home as therapy for past traumas at all... she does not want someone who is still dealing with the harsh realities of historical abuse to use her new home to exercise those unpredictable demons ..

Why is this so difficult for posters to accept... 🤔

Five67Eight · 21/02/2021 04:59

I know you’ve made your decision - but you started the thread to ask others, so...

I’m in the ‘it seems really churlish to say no’ camp. I can’t imagine saying no to such an easily-fulfilled request. It seems so mean not to!

Clearly Alison’s mistake was in saying Bad Things happened there. Maybe if she’d just said she’d love the opportunity for a wander down memory lane, you’d be more willing.

Anyway, decision made....

Nonameslob · 21/02/2021 05:02

I can't see how revisiting her childhood home will help, surely therapy is a better option.
I would let someone who just wanted a nosey around their old home but not in this situation.
When we bought our first home the neighbour very kindly told us on the day we were moving in that the previous owner had been savagely attacked in his bed by intruders and that's why he sold it. It put a bit of a dampener on our excitement of owning our first home! The plus side was he had put every security measure in place as a result and when an attempted burglary was made on our home a few years later they weren't able to get in.
I think you did the right thing OP, especially as she wasn't willing to shed any light on what happened first.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 21/02/2021 05:41

It's irrelevant what anybody else thinks OP. You are not comfortable with it, and that's good enough. Your house, your family, your decision.

MRex · 21/02/2021 07:07

@Nonameslob

I can't see how revisiting her childhood home will help, surely therapy is a better option. I would let someone who just wanted a nosey around their old home but not in this situation. When we bought our first home the neighbour very kindly told us on the day we were moving in that the previous owner had been savagely attacked in his bed by intruders and that's why he sold it. It put a bit of a dampener on our excitement of owning our first home! The plus side was he had put every security measure in place as a result and when an attempted burglary was made on our home a few years later they weren't able to get in. I think you did the right thing OP, especially as she wasn't willing to shed any light on what happened first.
I thought that should have been declared on the paperwork if you're in the UK. Did you follow up with solicitors?
MRex · 21/02/2021 07:24

I have very happy memories of both my childhood home and my grandparents' home. Both will have been redecorated and have new furniture. I can't imagine wanting to look inside, what would be the point? It's disturbing the residents for no good purpose. I can just about imagine asking to take a brief look at my grandparents' old garden and the back, because of the bits my grandad built, but I could just cross a field and look from there without disturbing the residents so I probably wouldn't.

Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 07:30

Even though the OP is being kept in the dark by her friend, we’re all imagining it to be some kind of violent physical or sexual abuse right? Which is absolutely awful but would account for why she’s still struggling with it.

However, who would honestly feel
comfortable with someone they barely know in their new home wandering all over it and probably learning that in your kid’s new room was where the worst of it took place. It would absolutely taint your feeling of the house. I cannot believe people are tearing into the OP for this and calling her selfish. Shock it’s her new home! A big expensive haven for her and her family.

I very much doubt that visiting the house would suddenly cleanse Alison’s feelings of the whole thing anyway. Sometimes it can revive hazy memories.

Mrgrinch · 21/02/2021 07:46

So on MN you never answer your own front door, but you allow strangers (I would consider someone I knew 15 years ago a stranger now) into your home to do god knows what?

MRex · 21/02/2021 07:57

It might not be abuse. Family arguments leading to divorce, a problematic sibling relationship, learning about an awful event while in a particular place, a death, a traumatic accident... There are many other options. It doesn't matter what the reason is though, traumatised people should drag their woe into a therapist's office, not into someone else's kid's bedroom.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2021 08:08

The op could easily have said sure she can come for a coffee an have a wander round if it helps her, but make it clear I don’t want to know anything about the bad memories and that’s the condition.

The op and some posters are acting like this woman is going to come in, spill her guts to the op and her kids, perform some mad rituals and forever taint the place with woo energy.

Never heard anything so ridiculous. Typical mumsent hysteria at the thought of having someone in your home.

NewHouseNewMe · 21/02/2021 08:12

I think you did the right thing OP.

No way would I want someone with negative energy about my house sitting there telling all.

Now put it to the back of your mind and enjoy your new home Cake

MRex · 21/02/2021 08:24

@Bluntness100

The op could easily have said sure she can come for a coffee an have a wander round if it helps her, but make it clear I don’t want to know anything about the bad memories and that’s the condition.

The op and some posters are acting like this woman is going to come in, spill her guts to the op and her kids, perform some mad rituals and forever taint the place with woo energy.

Never heard anything so ridiculous. Typical mumsent hysteria at the thought of having someone in your home.

You don't know this woman, nor what "bad memories" she has, nor how she will react. On any day of the week, I would not want a sad-faced grump at the door - and that's presuming she won't start crying, shaking, wailing etc. Much cleaner to just say no than regret unnecessarily allowing her in.
Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 08:25

@Bluntness100

The op could easily have said sure she can come for a coffee an have a wander round if it helps her, but make it clear I don’t want to know anything about the bad memories and that’s the condition.

The op and some posters are acting like this woman is going to come in, spill her guts to the op and her kids, perform some mad rituals and forever taint the place with woo energy.

Never heard anything so ridiculous. Typical mumsent hysteria at the thought of having someone in your home.

I don’t normally disagree with you but I do on this. It’s her new home. It doesn’t matter if the woman comes in and sits quietly and then leaves, it’s knowing something so awful happened in the house that a woman is still struggling all these years on, and she’s coming to confront that in your new home. It wouldn’t leave a ‘woo energy’ but it might very well change how you feel about a place, especially the room it happened in.

This is not OP’s problem to solve.

And talking from experience, revisiting the ‘scene’ doesn’t always give the sort of closure you might hope for.

Fozzleyplum · 21/02/2021 08:26

I'd have said no, for all the reasons already mentioned. The entitled response from Alison confirms that she does not respect your wishes and could well have done or said something that would affect your enjoyment of your new house.

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 08:29

@Bluntness100

The op could easily have said sure she can come for a coffee an have a wander round if it helps her, but make it clear I don’t want to know anything about the bad memories and that’s the condition.

The op and some posters are acting like this woman is going to come in, spill her guts to the op and her kids, perform some mad rituals and forever taint the place with woo energy.

Never heard anything so ridiculous. Typical mumsent hysteria at the thought of having someone in your home.

Give it a rest, Bluntness. Other posters are right, you often come on threads just to be contrary rather than have a valid or balanced point.

'Never heard anything so ridiculous' as not let a near stranger in your house because (and with no evidence) they need to have closure on some bad memories. Even though they've had ample opportunity to do so before now, and the OP has no idea HOW bad these 'memories' are and how the woman may react. What's ridiculous is that there are some on here who are suggesting letting the woman in alone for an undisclosed amount of time - this is someone's home!

What's truly ridiculous is how other posters are genuinely using 'you're being meeeaaann' as a counter argument. It's pathetic behaviour, no wonder women are seen as emotional doormats Hmm.

NoCherryNoDeal · 21/02/2021 08:35

What if she she sets it on fire or something! Your insurance would be void. Very extreme I know.

She went about it very stupidly, she should have asked to come for a cup of tea and a look, with a small housewarming present and then did her ‘putting right’.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 21/02/2021 08:37

That's really weird, if it was that bad, why didn't she ask the previous owner?! It would definitely be a no from me. It's your family home, not an incumbent for her therapy.

Nith · 21/02/2021 08:45

The obvious point here is that if Alison needed to come back that badly she could have knocked on the door when the previous owners were there.. The fact that she didn't demonstrates that, if another stranger had bought the house, it wouldn't have occurred to her that she wanted to go back. If she's disappointed, it sounds like she'll get over it.

Nith · 21/02/2021 08:46

What if she she sets it on fire or something! Your insurance would be void. Very extreme I know.

Why on earth would it void insurance? Not only very extreme, but very untrue.

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2021 08:46

Was there not a thread ages ago about a poster who had someone in their home who refused to leave it and were convinced that technically it was there's as they lived in it as a child?