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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
Nith · 21/02/2021 10:55

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

FFS OP she was probably abused and needs closure and a sense of peace, I highly doubt she's going to do anything awful like take a dump in your kitchen.
How on earth would revisiting the place where abuse happened achieve either?
wifterwafter · 21/02/2021 10:57

I'd say no on the basis that if a complete stranger had bought the house she wouldn't be able to visit and she's had plenty of time to do this before now.

I'd just say you're uncomfortable with it and would rather the past be left in the past.

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 11:00

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

FFS OP she was probably abused and needs closure and a sense of peace, I highly doubt she's going to do anything awful like take a dump in your kitchen.
And if she was abused then she needs to access appropriate therapy for that. Not taint the OP’s view of her new home and her DC’s home with that torrid history.
BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 11:01

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

FFS OP she was probably abused and needs closure and a sense of peace, I highly doubt she's going to do anything awful like take a dump in your kitchen.
That's what therapy is for. I'm not sure how revisiting a place of severe abuse would have the person go 'uhu, that's where some of the worst moments of my life happened. Cheers, nice one I'll have a cup of tea and be on my way. All emotional distress dealt with now!'.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 11:03

How on earth would revisiting the place where abuse happened achieve either?

It gives a person closure.

And therapy doesn't always work.

I'm not saying OP is obliged, it would be a nice thing to do, but I'm not sure what she thinks is gonna happen if she does. Unless the acquaintance is Linda Blair unleashing the devil into the house

Nith · 21/02/2021 11:06

It gives a person closure.

But there's no logic in this. Alison is only asking about this because a friend of a friend now lives there. She could apparently manage without if a stranger had bought the house.

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 11:09

It gives a person closure.

No it doesn't. 'Closure' doesn't happen by standing in the place of a bad event for 10 minutes.

I'm not saying OP is obliged, it would be a nice thing to do, but I'm not sure what she thinks is gonna happen if she does.

Oh there's the 'nice thing to do' line again, as if saying 'no' is not nice. There are plenty of thoughts throughout the thread on what may happen, including the op having to deal with a practical stranger spilling her guts about something horrible, or having to comfort her in some sort of distress. As you said, the OP is quite right under no obligation to bring that negativity into her family home.

Mrr3 · 21/02/2021 11:10

That's a day trip then! Maybe she'll need to stay over Shock

TonightMatthew · 21/02/2021 11:15

But there's no logic in this. Alison is only asking about this because a friend of a friend now lives there. She could apparently manage without if a stranger had bought the house

I think it's the opposite, surely?

I'd really love to go back to 123 Hill Street. I feel like just being there again, now that I'm an adult and in a better place in my life would really help me draw a line under what happened. But how could I do that? I can't just approach total strangers! Oh well.

Oh Alison, you remember Letthem? We used to hang out with her in 2011. She's bought your parents' old house!

Do you think she'd let me look round? I'd really appreciate it

Not sure but I could ask!

Et voila

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 11:18

I work in a boarding school that used to be an orphanage after WW2. I showed a lady round who just rocked up one day, she'd lived there as a child after losing her mum in childbirth and her dad in the war. She said physically abused by the nuns who ran it, but showing her round she really found a sense of peace. She said she was in a place where she'd dealt with the abuse, processed the feelings and didn't want to be afraid of her experience anymore. She went away very happy - not exactly relevant to the OP but let's not pretend that every abuse victim shakes with fear when they revisit the scene of their abuse. This is what I meant by giving closure and it depends where you are in the process of overcoming trauma (I'm not just assuming this BTW I also working a volunteer basis with victims of childhood abuse)

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2021 11:19

@SD1978

To those saying OP is unreasonable. If the issue was abuse, you'd be good with being told/ finding out that serious sexual assault (for example) took place for years in the room that now has your kids in it? And that wouldn't affect how you see the house or the safe pace for your family?
For goodness sake why the dramatics? The op could easily have set thr conditions. “Sure she can come round when lockdown is over, I’ll make sure it’s on a day the kids are out. Can you let her know it’s on condition of her not sharing the bad memories with us and keep it to half an hour”

It’s highly unlikely she even wants to tell the op, never mind ignore the request and share all. And if the op is so worried the place will be ruined forever for her. She could say her husband would be there but she’d be out.

Honestly all this hysteria, about what she plans to do and how the op and her children will never be able to enjoy their home again is just batshit

Symbion · 21/02/2021 11:20

The bit I find odd is that you've said she hasn't said what she wants to do there but also your minds are made up and will not change.

I think you could have either asked what she wanted to do, or said she is welcome to come over for a cuppa or whatever you are comfortable with. This blanket "you haven't said what you want to do so you may never come" is bizarre.

I do feel a bit sorry for her. She wasn't to know that you'd be fine with idle curiosity but reject her because she gave a more substantial reason. She probably didn't want to inconvenience you without giving a decent reason.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 11:22

Really Alison should've just said "I'd love to see my childhood home" maybe the OP would've been more up for it then?

MichelleScarn · 21/02/2021 11:24

But it's her house- she doesn't have to give any reason why she says no. The old MN 'No is a complete sentence' seems to be trumped by some for the 'be kind' and always put others first for some reason.Confused

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 11:24

And totally agree @Bluntness100 imagine hearing "I was sexually abused in this house" and thinking "my God my poor kids, I always thought everywhere we'd ever lived had been harmonious before we had it". Oh the nerve HmmGrin

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 11:34

@MichelleScarn

But it's her house- she doesn't have to give any reason why she says no. The old MN 'No is a complete sentence' seems to be trumped by some for the 'be kind' and always put others first for some reason.Confused
Absolutely this. Luckily the op is actually sensible, has said no and is sticking to it because she's not the typical MN wet lettuce/doormat , but it's amazing on MN how posters go between screaming 'NO AND NO EXPLANATION NEEDED' to this thread and the whiniest 'be kiiinnnnddd, that person is going through sooomeeethinnng, you could heal their entire life with their weird requests! Now remember to be a good host, a have a filling lunch in, and make your children leave their own homes for this stranger to have their mindfulness session'.
sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 11:36

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

And totally agree *@Bluntness100* imagine hearing "I was sexually abused in this house" and thinking "my God my poor kids, I always thought everywhere we'd ever lived had been harmonious before we had it". Oh the nerve HmmGrin
There’s a big difference between kids being sexually abused and a home being totally harmonious, and you know it.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 11:39

@sammylady37 is there? Well colour me shocked Hmm my point wasn't that - it was that it's ridiculous to get upset at the thought of abuse prior to anyone living in a house would ever impact the current family

sammylady37 · 21/02/2021 11:43

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@sammylady37 is there? Well colour me shocked Hmm my point wasn't that - it was that it's ridiculous to get upset at the thought of abuse prior to anyone living in a house would ever impact the current family [/quote]
I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. I’m not a parent but I can’t imagine any parent would lovingly decorate a room for their DC, imagining it to be their place of comfort, sanctuary, happiness etc and then not be bothered to find out that someone else’s DC was regularly raped in that same room. It would certainly taint it for me.

Nobody expects to buy a house that has only ever had a ‘harmonious’ history, people expect it to have had the normal trials and tribulations of life, the highs and the lows, the births and deaths etc. But I don’t think many people want to be confronted with awful abuse having happened in their homes either.

BronwenFrideswide · 21/02/2021 11:50

Well done for saying no, OP, and for sticking to it and closing down any further discussion on it. I wouldn't allow it either and I think it is very rude and presumptuous for her to have asked and just expected you to accommodate her request.

For all those saying the OP should allow it it is not just the OP's home it is also the home of her husband and children. OP's husband is uncomfortable with the idea and also doesn't want to allow it, his opinion counts for nothing does it in a house he jointly owns, pays for and lives in?

Enjoy your new home, OP.

Yodeldodeldo · 21/02/2021 11:53

Do you trust Nicola? If so I would dump this problem back on her. Agree that the friend can come, look round, but be accompanied by Nicola, and offload any emotional disclosures to her. You will be out for 1 hour, no more, and stipulate to Nicola that you do not want to know any details under any circumstances.

This way she gets her closure and you come off as looking reasonable. To be fair I've previously lived in a flat which was newly redecorated when I moved in. Turns out it was redecorated after customs and excise raided it and took the place to pieces. Major drug dealers lived there and two unhappy little girls who ended up in care. I was pissed off that the neighbours took delight in telling me this. I guess my point is that unhappy house histories be made aware to you by various means.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 11:54

Ours is a new build but if it was an old house and I found out that someone had been sexually abused previously in child I'd think "god that's awful poor child" not "oh no this ruins my decorating plans now"

NoCherryNoDeal · 21/02/2021 11:57

@Nith

Do you really believe you can't claim on insurance if someone deliberately causes damage to something you possess?

Do you really feel the need to be condescending?!

I'm not a fire marshall, I made a tongue in cheek comment. You need to lighten up as well!

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 11:59

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Ours is a new build but if it was an old house and I found out that someone had been sexually abused previously in child I'd think "god that's awful poor child" not "oh no this ruins my decorating plans now"
Yes, that's exactly how people like the op think Hmm. You are a super nice person who is empathetic to all horrors in the world, and people like the op are just worried that hearing a nasty history about their family home will ruin the aesthetic of the third bedroom....
WildfirePonie · 21/02/2021 11:59

Big fat no from me. Well done OP.

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