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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 21/02/2021 00:32

I think it is a really weird request especially as you haven't seen either of them for ten years.
If you were still close I'd maybe think differently but I also think it's weird that it is bad memories she wants to rest.

I'd have loved a look round my childhood home but it's now gone.

Sillysandy · 21/02/2021 00:33

[quote MichelleScarn]**@Sillysandy* the demons are within is a quote from you... How exactly does someone purging demons affect op? Demons are within. She's not going to damage the house. If she was crazy enough to burn the house down i don't think she would be asking permission.*[/quote]
Yes I'm aware of that. I was highlighting that you said 'if' like you are suggesting they might not be within, that Alison might wake them up in OP's house.

To the pp who asked would anyone like to hear that years of abuse took place in your baby's new room, no I don't think anyone would which was my first thought when op said Alison wouldn't give any more info when pressed.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 21/02/2021 00:38

There was time when it was on the market for people to look round. I also would say no.

justilou1 · 21/02/2021 00:55

You bought it to live in, not for her to have therapy! That's ridiculous. If she has issues, she can call the Samaritans or get in touch with her GP

SugarfreeBlitz · 21/02/2021 00:58

I would say no as well. Plain weird.
I also dont think its the house that Alison needs to make peace with, but herself. The girl needs therapy and it's not appropriate for her to visit. You don't know her or if what she says is true. You also don't know her intentions.
Personally, I'd offer photos only but say no to a visit and advise her to get therapy if she has unresolved issues from the past. It's your home now.

Yesmate · 21/02/2021 01:01

I agree with you and I think your message back was perfect. The matter is closed for you and you have made that clear.
Hope you and your family are very happy in your new home.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 01:12

@justilou1

You bought it to live in, not for her to have therapy! That's ridiculous. If she has issues, she can call the Samaritans or get in touch with her GP

This 🌺

starfishmummy · 21/02/2021 01:13

YANBU. Shes the one who has made it weird by saying she wants to put bad memories right. Not sure how she thinks that will happen. Id be slipping her details of a therapist.

Mittens030869 · 21/02/2021 01:45

I feel for Alison, as I went through childhood abuse myself and I can see why she feels that this will be of help to her. Chances are it wouldn’t be, as the memories would still be inside her head! She needs to process them in therapy.

She sounds like my DB, who constantly wants to ‘lay ghosts to rest’. It obviously doesn’t work, as he has to keep doing that.

None of that is your problem to solve, OP. You’re right to say no. As you say, it’s your new home and your family and your future are what you need to focus on now. It isn’t as if Alison is a close friend. Your actual friend really shouldn’t be pressuring you about this.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/02/2021 01:59

My friend's house has a dark history. The stories creep me out and I wish she hadn't told me. I couldn't get her to stop as she insisted on telling me the juicy details.

My parents had the people who built their house and lived in it for 5 years over to visit. They were upset about all the changes and kept making suggestions on how they could have improved things or better arrange furniture. I don't think anyone gained anything from letting them visit.

RatsolutelyFabulous · 21/02/2021 02:06

Let her in once for her to face her bad past, she’s going to expect to be entitled every time. Not a chance I’d let her roam through my home as some sort of therapy for herself.

Plenty of us have had shit childhoods. Mine included, I wouldn’t dare ever ask to go look round my childhood homes as much as I am curious to see how they all look today, to deal with past issues.

As others have said. If she has that many issues from her past and the house. Why didn’t she go speak to the elderly couple, why not view it whilst on the market(and no, you don’t need to prove you’ve sold your home to view a house as others have said).

If she needs help with her past, speak to a therapist. Don’t just dump this crap on you now because you knew her 10-15 years ago!

This is your family’s home now, a place to be happy and make it your own. Don’t let someone from the past try to use the house as a form of counselling for her! Absolute cheek of her! Like I said, let her in once, she’ll be there all the time and will well and truly shit on your parade in your new home.

RatsolutelyFabulous · 21/02/2021 02:08

Apologies to all for my lack of punctuation, I’ve had one too many wines tonight😳

Wooliesandcoles · 21/02/2021 02:14

Before I emigrated I went to visit my childhood town. I parked outside my old house. My next door neighbours son was outside and we got chatting. I told him who I was and that I was born in the house. He said he remembered me and sister playing in the garden. He told me that his parents had passed away and that he now lives in the house. He said I should knock on my old house and introduce myself, so I did. A lovely lady answered the door. She let me in and we chatted for hours about the memories. It was so special for me and I’m forever grateful to her. The house had changed quite a bit too. I’d loved to have had a proper nose about but didn’t go upstairs.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 02:14

Totally agree with you op. And i would also be telling nicola you did not want to be told Anything more about it too.

TrinityWaves · 21/02/2021 02:15

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this at all! You absolutely do not have to allow anyone into your home you don't want to come in.

Someone asking this to begin with would be a red flag for me.

I hope Alison gets whatever professional help she needs, a quick visit to a childhood home isn't going to solve whatever issues she has from her past.

Enjoy your new house OP!

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 02:22

I know this is MN and people are weird about people simply looking at their houses but I'd 100% let her. Think of how much good it could do if it gave her much needed closure about a traumatic experience.

480Widdio · 21/02/2021 02:36

OP has handled this perfectly,she has said no and that she will not be discussing it any further.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 02:39

Thank goodness the OP has said No.... 🌺

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 21/02/2021 02:39

Right let’s be clear. Op isn’t obliged to provide access or closure to her private domestic residence that has significance for Alison
Alison need to find her own resolution that doesn’t impose upon op

BeanieB2020 · 21/02/2021 02:41

I'd say yes if I was asked this, but it's definitely a personal thing.

It would've been better if Alison had said she just wanted to see the home & left the bad memory stuff out of it.

BiscuitSewingTin · 21/02/2021 02:56

I’m a pretty private person so I would have said no too, no matter the circumstances.

As a possible compromise, have you thought about offering to send some photos? That way you have complete control of what she sees and won’t know what happened. Don’t let her request what is photographed though, just send a selection if she wants some.

GrandmaAli · 21/02/2021 03:05

Did she not ask previous owners this? If not, then why? If yes, did they agree?
As DH has never met her you could agree to go for a coffee somewhere neutral first to get a feel of the situation. Tell her you don't want to know any bad stuff, & if you agree to her coming round it's only good stuff you want to hear. And she should bring a shoulder to cry in, if needed!
But, if you really don't feel like you want to do it, then don't!!
You can enquire from neighbours about any history of the place, and possibly find out some history thru inputting your address in Google.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 03:06

@GrandmaAli

Did she not ask previous owners this? If not, then why? If yes, did they agree? As DH has never met her you could agree to go for a coffee somewhere neutral first to get a feel of the situation. Tell her you don't want to know any bad stuff, & if you agree to her coming round it's only good stuff you want to hear. And she should bring a shoulder to cry in, if needed! But, if you really don't feel like you want to do it, then don't!! You can enquire from neighbours about any history of the place, and possibly find out some history thru inputting your address in Google.

Why would you go to ALL that trouble ????

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 03:06

OP and her DH have already said No 🙄

gutful · 21/02/2021 03:09

Wow can’t believe you’re being so uptight & petty. How mean to get your heckles up just because your DH hasn’t met this person that you know. Just have her round for a cup of tea. It seems quite nasty to not permit this.

We had a knock on our door from a random old man who had lived in our house years prior. We let him in & he showed us photos of the house & told us lovely stories about the home’s history.

I really wonder what kind of person would begrudge someone this.