to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Ours is a new build but if it was an old house and I found out that someone had been sexually abused previously in child I'd think "god that's awful poor child" not "oh no this ruins my decorating plans now"

Nice try, but it’s not about the decorating plans, it’s about the hopes and dreams a parent would have for their own child and their childhood. Why would any parent invite someone in to taint those?

I’ve read all the responses and it’s still definitely not happening

.I don’t think she’d set fire to the house but I still feel uneasy that she’d offload god knows and I’d be left with that. Every house will have its secrets - I’d prefer to keep it that way

Well done from me too. That's exactly why I wouldn't be letting her in.

@Yodeldodeldo

Do you trust Nicola? If so I would dump this problem back on her. Agree that the friend can come, look round, but be accompanied by Nicola, and offload any emotional disclosures to her. You will be out for 1 hour, no more, and stipulate to Nicola that you do not want to know any details under any circumstances.

This way she gets her closure and you come off as looking reasonable. To be fair I've previously lived in a flat which was newly redecorated when I moved in. Turns out it was redecorated after customs and excise raided it and took the place to pieces. Major drug dealers lived there and two unhappy little girls who ended up in care. I was pissed off that the neighbours took delight in telling me this. I guess my point is that unhappy house histories be made aware to you by various means.

Why so determined to force the OP and her husband to change their minds?

They are not being unreasonable at all, they have every right to make the decision they have for whatever reasons they choose - it is their home not a therapy centre.

You think OP and her family should go out for an hour to allow someone free rein to wander around their home amongst all their possessions, invading their privacy, seriously???

@sammylady37 how would anyone visiting their childhood home taint anything? Don't be so melodramatic

I see the full mn school of stage direction has turned up with soap opera plots, instructions on what to say and prophetic dark twists. Accompanied by the handwringing be niiiiiiiiiiiiice simpering mood music

It’s an old house, it will have been the venue for savoury and unsavoury events
None of that is of consequence to op who is under no obligation to Alison.
I’d not let an acquaintance visit my home to obtain closure whatever

@fightingTheFoo

Sorry to hear that your mother denied you, closure, (reflect/space to be able to say goodbye to your childhood private space.

Have you got a photo of your child hood home/or a photo of you for e.g playing with toys in your bedroom?

As you can help to heal,move forward in your life so you do not feel stuck in a rut,
you can light a scented candle a blue or white,Pink,Purple ones,
candles colours symbolic.

You can visualise an image of your childhood private space.
Mediation is beneficial like hypnotherapy,as its works on semi-conscious dream state.

Read a book/look on the internet about guardian Angels such as Angel michael etc.

To ask in a prayer for a healing gaurdian Angel,Come to you,
this will happen in meditation and in your dreams.

You will also sense your guardian Angel around you for e.g seeing white feathers is a sign from Angels and loved ones from family members who have passed over,letting you know they are looking out on the earth plane.

Also Native American guides will come to you in dreams and Native American objects, I sense Native American items and Culture have some kind of past life significance to you/or someone who was close to you in some way,could be a family member/or a friend.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

Personally, I think you're overthinking it and I would have let her come round as I would see it as no skin off my nose. But obviously you have the right to say no if you feel differently, and that is what you done.

@thosetalesofunexpected, well that's quite something you've written there, perhaps OP should pass that on to Alison.

I'd be uncomfortable about letting a virtual stranger (you've not spoken to her in 10 years and prior to that she was a friend of a friend) wander around my home. What if she stole something? You've no idea what she's like now, what her personal situation is. She'd probably ask for space 'to contemplate', and not want you following her around at her shoulder. But then what? You've got no recourse if she does something to your property.

@FightingTheFoo

Oops sorry i ment to say a sign that guardian Angels/spirit guides,family members who have passed over is seeing white feathers.

Also seeing nature wildlife such as birds,and bigger animals such as cats etc, coming to spend time with you often, for e.g when you feel upset or feel life has kicked you down in some way,and then randomly a animal,or bird appears to cheer you up,so you feel more motivated,to do what you need/want in life.

Also I sense herbalism is something that will beneficial to you and your family in some way.

I also sense that you have a natural instinct for herbalism/botany/animal husbandry/handed down from a significant family member.

It something worth you exploring about.

Oh great, moving from be-kind-wankery to woowoo bollocks in one swift move.....

@BrumBoo

Oh great, moving from be-kind-wankery to woowoo bollocks in one swift move.....

My flabber is beyond ghasted Brum, it's incredible that one could sense so much from one short post made by someone on page one of a thread on an anonymous internet forum, amazing, truly amazing.

Its definitely an interesting turn of the thread..

I'm not that determined. Makes no odds to me what OP decides to do. Just suggesting an alternative that might be a compromise. By getting Nicola to do the work and take responsibility you'd see if it was really that important or if Alison just wants a nosey.

Is there a reason why you couldn’t put “my new house” in the thread title?

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@sammylady37 how would anyone visiting their childhood home taint anything? Don't be so melodramatic [/quote]
Because you’re leaving out the pertinent details. This woman has said she had bad memories of the place, and wants to visit, but what say what she wants to do while there. You’re the one who said she was probably sexually abused as a kid, IIRC. So, who’s to say she won’t turn up, and get upset in her childhood bedroom? This isn’t a happy, nostalgic trip down memory lane for her, it’s a revisiting of a place where she experienced trauma. It’s not going to be a half hour filled with laughter and joy, is it?

@Yodeldodeldo

I'm not that determined. Makes no odds to me what OP decides to do. Just suggesting an alternative that might be a compromise. By getting Nicola to do the work and take responsibility you'd see if it was really that important or if Alison just wants a nosey.

Your compromise involves the OP and her family going out and allowing two people free access to their home and all their things therein to do whatever they want. It's all on the OP and her family to give in, give up their privacy, their time and their home for someone else's convenience at their inconvenience with no thought or respect for them and their wants or wishes, hardly a compromise.

@BronwenFrideswide in all honesty, 'let the sad person into your house' to 'hello, have you considered animal husbandry and talking to angels, I sense you're a herbalist (??)', is a bit of a nonsensical jump even for such an... emotive thread.

[quote BrumBoo]@BronwenFrideswide in all honesty, 'let the sad person into your house' to 'hello, have you considered animal husbandry and talking to angels, I sense you're a herbalist (??)', is a bit of a nonsensical jump even for such an... emotive thread.[/quote]
It was certainly one great leap, Brum talk about coming out of left field.

The emotive nature of this thread is just ridiculous all it is is a chance for some MN posters to show off how terribly, terribly nice and what all round good eggs they are, virtue signalling on acid. I would bet that most of them beating the OP with cries of be nice fall into that category of MN posters who never open the door or answer the phone unless advance notification has been given in triplicate, signed in blood and would never, ever, ever allow a tradesman to darken the door of the toilet in their house let alone use it.

OP and her husband have considered the request and made a perfectly reasonable decision.

Why aren't the pious and sanctimonious taking their kindness on board, putting their money where their mouths are and starting a group to advertise their homes are open to strangers who used to live there and need closure by wandering round it now? Sounds like a great opportunity to walk the walk.

Don't give this another thought, OP. Nicola's got a cheek even asking you, Alison even more (and sounds weirdy AF) and the pair of those chancers for then getting upset you're not on board with it.

Very thought provoking/and highly quiky Thread Post Thread op.😕

@thosetalesofunexpected

Very thought provoking/and highly quiky Thread Post Thread op.😕

Could you try again and phrase that in an understandable format, thanks.

Are you only thinking that now tales after all your previous comments?

@thosetalesofunexpected

Very thought provoking/and highly quiky Thread Post Thread op.😕

not really 🤔

@TonightMatthew

But there's no logic in this. Alison is only asking about this because a friend of a friend now lives there. She could apparently manage without if a stranger had bought the house

I think it's the opposite, surely?

I'd really love to go back to 123 Hill Street. I feel like just being there again, now that I'm an adult and in a better place in my life would really help me draw a line under what happened. But how could I do that? I can't just approach total strangers! Oh well.

Oh Alison, you remember Letthem? We used to hang out with her in 2011. She's bought your parents' old house!

Do you think she'd let me look round? I'd really appreciate it

Not sure but I could ask!

Et voila

Well, no, it isn't the opposite. It's more or less exactly in accord with what I said: if the conversation went like that, it was all very casual and she has no burning need to go back there. The issue only arose because OP was there, and she'd have carried on living her life regardless if no-one had ever mentioned that OP was there.