He promised her croissant with jam

[Whizzpopbangy]

Been a really full on week with toddler Dd, 12 hour days of teething, crying and not a minute alone. I’d told all this to dp and said I was going nuts as had no sleep and really needed just a minute alone etc. Last night was my turn for bedtime so as I was taking her up, he starts telling her how it’s the weekend tomorrow and he’ll be off and he’ll be there to do her breakfast of croissant and jam for a treat etc etc.
Cue this morning, Dd wakes at 6.45, Dp asleep until around 7.30, then on the toilet for god knows how long. By now she’s getting more upset calling for daddy to come and get her, inevitably I end up getting up with no lie in and taking her down to breakfast...he wasn’t even there. Comes back 45 minutes later saying ‘I was going to do her breakfast!’ 🙄he’d been out to get cigarettes. No I’m sat here moody and he’s moody with me!
Aibu to be pissed off with this crap.

@TheNorthWind

There's something a bit heart breaking about all this. I think ScoobyBlues has explained why. He's just much more interested in his own wants than in her or in keeping his word, isn't he?

Also, extravagant poos are ridiculous and infuriating. If it takes you 30 minutes to have a crap, then you need to do something about your diet. Gross.
(Of course unless medical issues.)

I always thought an extravagant poo was the cover story for masturbation.

@Windchangeface

* My DH is crap first thing on a morning but a fab and attentive DF from 10am onwards.*

What if you were both crap in the morning?

Parenting young children pre 10 is often the most intensive!

Plus - what is he like on school days?

@Windchangeface

When I became a parent my DM gave me this advice:

‘You don’t have to be a great parent every day for them to think you’re amazing. You just have to try your best and always be there plodding along with the basics. Don’t make promises you can’t/won’t keep and accept that they run the show now, their schedule and needs take priority.’

My DH is crap first thing on a morning but a fab and attentive DF from 10am onwards. So I take the 5am-10am shift and he does long walks and special dinners/book reading on an afternoon.

Wow, that's pretty impressive how you've twisted your mum's good advice to make excuses for your lazy husband.

My thoughts exactly

He’s “crap before 10” and yet somehow he’s managed to convince the poster that because he then parents, the situation is fine

It sounds to me as though he has employed all of the delay tactics that there are to avoid following through.
The worse thing is that he promises the world to get her all excited then doesn't do what he's promised.
I'm sick to death of men like this. You can guarantee that if you ever get divorced he will be a disney dad or just not turn up for visits.

The worse thing is that he promises the world to get her all excited then doesn't do what he's promised
it's a passive aggressive way to punish the woman for expecting him to do menial tasks and defer to the needs of others

@Barrantsvidal Fun Song Factory! Forgot that existed...my girls were OBSESSED with that!

I bought some croissants to have with Jam tomorrow because of this thread

Thanks all, so awful afternoon and he’s angry with me and says I’m a horrible person. I did t even get into it as Dd was there and I don’t want to argue in front of her, could already see she sensed an atmosphere and isn’t fair on her. I honestly believe that he believes I’m the awful one and in the wrong. I can imagine in his eyes he probably thinks he just quickly popped out and was on his way back to do the breakfast so I’m being nasty to be sat there in a mood.

So what if the previous poster dosent mind doing mornings and gets a break later?

I can see no issue there

@Whizzpopbangy

Thanks all, so awful afternoon and he’s angry with me and says I’m a horrible person. I did t even get into it as Dd was there and I don’t want to argue in front of her, could already see she sensed an atmosphere and isn’t fair on her. I honestly believe that he believes I’m the awful one and in the wrong. I can imagine in his eyes he probably thinks he just quickly popped out and was on his way back to do the breakfast so I’m being nasty to be sat there in a mood.

Sometimes you just have to have that argument. You said "inevitably" I get up. So don't? If he's arranged to make breakfast ask him to. Take turns to do it.

Sounds like he faffs around and you end up stepping in.

OP,

He's angry because he knows he's wrong.
He's a selfish nasty man.
When he's wrong and you challenge his behaviour, his response is anger to shut you down.
It's what nasty men do.
He's a selfish father.
It is 101 of parenting, don't say you will do something then don't.
He chose not to be reliable.
I bet you have lots of off stories about him.

Please think long and hard about whatvyou want from your future.
I would be very hesitant about having more children with a man whose fags are more important that his child.

You sound like a lovely woman and mother who has chosen poorly.
He's no prize.
Protect that precious little child from a childhood marred by a flaky selfis father.

@Whizzpopbangy

Thanks all, so awful afternoon and he’s angry with me and says I’m a horrible person. I did t even get into it as Dd was there and I don’t want to argue in front of her, could already see she sensed an atmosphere and isn’t fair on her. I honestly believe that he believes I’m the awful one and in the wrong. I can imagine in his eyes he probably thinks he just quickly popped out and was on his way back to do the breakfast so I’m being nasty to be sat there in a mood.

Ffs he is still carrying on about it? I dont know how you haven't snapped at him this is his fault he is the one in the mood he is the one who let his daughter down

Is he like this often? Moody, punishing you for perceived transgressions?

These threads where loads of people come on to tell the OP that if they’d only “explain” the situation in just the right manner, the man would stop being a selfish prick and be a better person ... they exasperate me.

For the most part, if you have to explain to people they are arseholes then the battle is already lost.

I was married to someone who would sit on the toilet for an hour or so, leaving me to do every sodding thing. He’d also tell me to get the kids ready as we were all going out and we’d stand around in the hall with coats and shoes on while he was “almost finished” faffing about with his hobby (or, when I got wise to this and waited till he finally showed up, he’d have a temper fit and refuse to go out at all and then the kids would cry).

I’ve been told repeatedly that if I’d only explained to him, he wouldn’t have done those things, or been verbally abusive to me, drank the food budget, let the kids down, fed himself a proper meal but just made them toast, etc, etc.

It is not the woman’s job to teach men how not to be awful. I hope the OP’s husband can grasp why this is a problem, but if he can’t it’s not down to her lack of explaining skills.

@Whizzpopbangy

Thanks all, so awful afternoon and he’s angry with me and says I’m a horrible person. I did t even get into it as Dd was there and I don’t want to argue in front of her, could already see she sensed an atmosphere and isn’t fair on her. I honestly believe that he believes I’m the awful one and in the wrong. I can imagine in his eyes he probably thinks he just quickly popped out and was on his way back to do the breakfast so I’m being nasty to be sat there in a mood.

So now it's your fault 🤷‍♀️ urgghh my ex was like this, it's so you won't make a fuss next time because you know that it'll ruin the weekend.

When I realised his behaviour wouldn't change I changed the locks, never regretted for a minute

[quote Chewit2022]@Windchangeface

* My DH is crap first thing on a morning but a fab and attentive DF from 10am onwards.*

What if you were both crap in the morning?

Parenting young children pre 10 is often the most intensive!

Plus - what is he like on school days?[/quote]
Yep I was going to say exactly this. Why is he the one who get to choose when he's on duty?

I think @happinessischocolate has a good point.i read a lot about huffy men on here. A lot doing the same thing making it harder to raise an issue than not. So you don't bother next time. It seems especially common when the children are young as parenting small children is hard enough without then having tension with your partner.

How convenient for him that it is, as ever, your fault and your responsibility 🙄
What is the point of him exactly?

I’m wondering if I’m being ott and in the grand scheme of life, nipping to the shop when you think you have time to get back is not that bad 🤷🏻‍♀️I feel like I’m being a bag or always a miserable sod as he’s saying how awful I am

OP, would you ever do what he did? If not, why not?

@Ritascornershop what other response do you expect people to give? If you already know that he's an arsehole then you know what you have to do, why are you still soliciting opinions from other people?

@Whizzpopbangy a huge number of men don't seem to understand the concept of children coming first. This won't be the last time. You;ll need to find a way of drilling it into his head... if he still doesn't get it then you need to decide what to do... shouldn't be like this but no other way round it

When it's dh lie in, I nip to have a shower. That means passing the children sugar enough to keep them quiet (ie croissant and jam) abs an understanding of time. The time I take to shower equals the time it takes to eat a jam croissant.

Regardless, how comfortable you are with dh ruining your lie in, how angry he is at you being angry at losing the lie in, is not normal. You SHOULD be unhappy that he shat on your lie in. He's deflecting by pretending you are petty to be angry at that loss. You are allowing him to deflect by focusing on his other shittiness- ditching his daughter, thinking only of himself, sulking and gas lighting.

@Whizzpopbangy

I’m wondering if I’m being ott and in the grand scheme of life, nipping to the shop when you think you have time to get back is not that bad 🤷🏻‍♀️I feel like I’m being a bag or always a miserable sod as he’s saying how awful I am

He's gaslighting you.

he is angry because someone whom he regards as a subordinate has called him out,
you have committed Lèse-majesté - he is king and he is always right by virtue of his superior status.
Or to put it another way, he does as he pleases, YOU do as you are told