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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He promised her croissant with jam

188 replies

Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 08:36

Been a really full on week with toddler Dd, 12 hour days of teething, crying and not a minute alone. I’d told all this to dp and said I was going nuts as had no sleep and really needed just a minute alone etc. Last night was my turn for bedtime so as I was taking her up, he starts telling her how it’s the weekend tomorrow and he’ll be off and he’ll be there to do her breakfast of croissant and jam for a treat etc etc.
Cue this morning, Dd wakes at 6.45, Dp asleep until around 7.30, then on the toilet for god knows how long. By now she’s getting more upset calling for daddy to come and get her, inevitably I end up getting up with no lie in and taking her down to breakfast...he wasn’t even there. Comes back 45 minutes later saying ‘I was going to do her breakfast!’ 🙄he’d been out to get cigarettes. No I’m sat here moody and he’s moody with me!
Aibu to be pissed off with this crap.

OP posts:
MichelleofzeResistance · 20/02/2021 10:14

It's the whole 'mental load is not my problem by birthright with a penis' thing isn't it?

He will do things in his time, to his satisfaction, meeting his own needs first, before he gets around to considering anyone else.

The question is whether he would continue to be happy to let a toddler be left to entertain herself and get hungry to the point of crying if he didn't know there was another parent in the house who will always step up and fill in until busy and important daddy is ready to feed and care for his child? I'm not sure if I'd be angrier if he said he would or he said he wouldn't.

It comes down to: you place a value on the needs of others, even the non urgent needs, and will put your own wants aside to meet them as part of your commitment to them. He doesn't.

SionnachGlic · 20/02/2021 10:14

Leave him a note to say you are just popping out for a while (no explanation or estimated time for return) & go & have some time for yourself.... & be all..'oh, I thought you were playing & doing all the stuff you promised yest...'.

Make him feel foisted upon & having to do it on his own for a bit...

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 10:15

@WeAllHaveWings Nope, I was waiting, assuming he was still on the toilet, longer than he usually is, looked out car had gone. The petrol station is only 5 mins away but by that point she was upset and couldn’t wait much longer. By the time he came in, she was sat down eating her breakfast and he was all ‘I was going to do that’ 🙄

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 20/02/2021 10:15

And he knows, that going out when the child is awake and wanting to get up isn't fulfilling his side of bargain to do breakfast. Of course he knows.

So disappointing to hear people behave like this.

Yes, spell it all out calmly....but essentially he is selfish to do this and puts himself first. So disappointing.

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 10:16

@MessAllOver She was upstairs in the bedroom with me, he wouldn’t leave her downstairs, but leaving her with me, he knows she’ll be ok

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 20/02/2021 10:18

@CoronaIsWatching

Why do you let a smoker inside your house in the first place
Probably because she is married to him? Confused
Chewit2022 · 20/02/2021 10:19

Hooray for being a single parent that I don’t ever have mornings like this!!

Suzi888 · 20/02/2021 10:19

YANBU he can make it up to her and to you. Don’t make promises and not keep them.

WombatChocolate · 20/02/2021 10:20

And what's really annoying is this pretending he doesn't know he put you in a position of having to get up, and trying to maintain the moral high ground and saying he was about to do it.......it's just dishonest....and that's the worst part actually.....saying you will do it and then not doing it and being dishonest about it and trying to turn it back on OP and make her feel bad....it's manipulative.

It's why a straightforward talk about timings, going out, and being honest with himself and you about his willingness to actually deliver on giving you a lie in and acknowldgimg in practical terms what is required from him to make that happen, is needed. But he will probably be a bit petulant and sulky about it all...because he doesn't want to do it or to acknowledge it. Men like this....how can people not spot they are like this before the state of having kids is reached? Why do they proceed with these flakey types?

Rupertbeartrousers · 20/02/2021 10:20

Just seen your update... so croissants there in the house ready to do? That makes it even worse, that literally takes 2 minutes. Hope your day/weekend gets better OP

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 10:22

Oops sorry @MessAllOver! Just seen it now, I was responding to the part you quoted which now I see wasn’t you, apologies.

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 20/02/2021 10:23

Why is she in your bedroom at all if it's your lie in?

MessAllOver · 20/02/2021 10:24

No problem. I've done that before Grin.

IEat · 20/02/2021 10:24

You dd was crying for 45 min for her dad to get her up and you heard her but didn’t go to her because you wanted a lie in?

Mellonsprite · 20/02/2021 10:25

[quote Whizzpopbangy]@WeAllHaveWings Nope, I was waiting, assuming he was still on the toilet, longer than he usually is, looked out car had gone. The petrol station is only 5 mins away but by that point she was upset and couldn’t wait much longer. By the time he came in, she was sat down eating her breakfast and he was all ‘I was going to do that’ 🙄[/quote]
The simple answer to this is, ‘I know, so why didn’t you?’
He put his own needs first, three times, firstly not waking when dd did, then having a 30 minute poo, then disappearing for his cigarettes. Just a selfish man who did what he wanted, rather than attend to his daughter. It shouldn’t be this hard for him to understand.

Boxerdogmum · 20/02/2021 10:27

ultimately he will miss out on those special moments with her and she will learn she cant rely on her daddy to keep a promise. you should point that out to him and let him have a baby tantrum over it which he probably will because hes a manchild. sorry but seen it before.just get on with things yourself and your dd because you cant rely on him either.

LaMarschallin · 20/02/2021 10:27

Childishly, I found the juxtaposition of these posts very funny:

LongDistanceClaret

Can’t imagine being able to take an extravagant poo when my DC was that age. I think my toddler witnessed every poo I did

AnnLouiseB

That’s shit.

Tbf, AnnLouiseB is absolutely correct.

Sorry Smile

StarrIntheSky · 20/02/2021 10:29

‘I was going to do that’

This is what my teens say. When they are meant to do something like clear the kitchen and don’t - i then end up asking and being ignored then having to do it so can make the next meal etc they then stroll in and say ‘oh I was going to do that/was just about to’ like they think it’s clever.
Not so clever now I’ve linked up pocket money to specific jobs done when I need them done and properly not left or done badly at their own preferred time
Tbh theyve done nothing but I’m better off

Shame it wouldn’t work with husbands OP 🤣

IdesMarchof · 20/02/2021 10:29

My dp is on your side. He says it’s not good enough and he has to get up!

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 10:29

@WombatChocolate This is it, why on earth is he the one angry at me, because I’m being moody and have brought the mood down I presume..but because of his behaviour! How is that my fault.

@Rupertbeartrousers So easy! Jam onto the croissant, drink, in high chair, weekend CBeebies on for a bit..done.
He obviously couldn’t do without his first cigarette of the day.

OP posts:
RowanAlong · 20/02/2021 10:30

How about you just elbow him awake when she wakes? Then he’s on duty straightaway no questions asked.

Lollyneenah · 20/02/2021 10:30

This is the exact sort of thing my ex did that drove me towards divorcing him.
I've had more lie ins after I dumped him than I ever had when I was with him (He has our dd eow)
Yanbu

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 10:31

@IdesMarchof Oh, he was up but on the toilet and then out to the petrol station. Glad you’ve got a good un tho, envious!

OP posts:
LaMarschallin · 20/02/2021 10:31

Why do they proceed with these flakey types?

Croissants?
Because they're tasty.

MichelleofzeResistance · 20/02/2021 10:32

"I was going to do that"

... offs.

Either he means that he has no problem with a toddler crying with hunger until he deigns to get around to feeding her? In which case it's time the Health Visitor had a serious word with him and got him on a parenting course, not to mention gets him a common sense and empathy by pass?

Or he actually means "I wasn't going to do it, and knew if I piddled about long enough you'd get up because you won't let our child suffer".