Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He promised her croissant with jam

188 replies

Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 08:36

Been a really full on week with toddler Dd, 12 hour days of teething, crying and not a minute alone. I’d told all this to dp and said I was going nuts as had no sleep and really needed just a minute alone etc. Last night was my turn for bedtime so as I was taking her up, he starts telling her how it’s the weekend tomorrow and he’ll be off and he’ll be there to do her breakfast of croissant and jam for a treat etc etc.
Cue this morning, Dd wakes at 6.45, Dp asleep until around 7.30, then on the toilet for god knows how long. By now she’s getting more upset calling for daddy to come and get her, inevitably I end up getting up with no lie in and taking her down to breakfast...he wasn’t even there. Comes back 45 minutes later saying ‘I was going to do her breakfast!’ 🙄he’d been out to get cigarettes. No I’m sat here moody and he’s moody with me!
Aibu to be pissed off with this crap.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 20/02/2021 09:26

@ScoobyBlues

Yanbu. Firstly because he should have leapt into action and made the breakfast before he'd done other stuff for himself.

Secondly because he's let her know he's not reliable. I remember when I was about 15 I was in the school play and we were all backstage and my friend was saying that she hoped her dad was going to be there to watch her. I asked her what night he was coming and she said tonight and I remember not understanding why she was worried that he wouldn't be there. He'd said he was coming so why would she think he wasn't coming?

And then I realised how protected and sheltered I'd been with my reliable parents. They would tell me that we could go to the beach at the weekend and we'd go to the beach. That I could have a biscuit after a walk and they would give me a biscuit. Those little things build up the trust and give you the background for the relationship as you her older.

Those little things are big things to a child.

This made me feel quite emotional.
RedcurrantPuff · 20/02/2021 09:28

What an arse

YANBU

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 20/02/2021 09:30

He sounds very very selfish
I'd be having a think about this op
As in get out now!!
Big red flags when cigarettes are more important than his own child

VintageStitchers · 20/02/2021 09:31

To be honest OP, you’re not managing this very well. Acting the martyr might make you feel better in the short term, but your DP isn’t going to change his behaviour, which presumably, you actually want him to do? Training partners uses the same techniques as training kids.

You should have prodded him until he got up, reminding him of his promise to HIS daughter. When you eventually get up after your lie-in, you praise DP over his great parenting and then carry on with the day.

If you always relent and get up and sort out your daughter, the urgency has gone and he can carry on sleeping. He won’t magically become a great parent because you’re complaining and annoyed with him.

LannieDuck · 20/02/2021 09:34

Was she crying and upset upstairs waiting for him? Or just getting a bit restless?

Neither is great, but if she was crying, I'd have been banging on the loo door to tell him he needed to get her and why.

sashh · 20/02/2021 09:36

He lied to his child.

He made a promise and then didn't keep it. I think that is a terrible thing to do to a child.

Ileflottante · 20/02/2021 09:36

@VintageStitchers

To be honest OP, you’re not managing this very well. Acting the martyr might make you feel better in the short term, but your DP isn’t going to change his behaviour, which presumably, you actually want him to do? Training partners uses the same techniques as training kids.

You should have prodded him until he got up, reminding him of his promise to HIS daughter. When you eventually get up after your lie-in, you praise DP over his great parenting and then carry on with the day.

If you always relent and get up and sort out your daughter, the urgency has gone and he can carry on sleeping. He won’t magically become a great parent because you’re complaining and annoyed with him.

So you think it’s up to the OP to train her partner to put his daughter’s needs before his fags? You think it’s her responsibility?
Plutoh · 20/02/2021 09:37

it is impossible even to wee on your own, with a toddler, isn't it!

Of course it's not, see this sort of thing doesn't help at all, should be a balance between being a lazy arse such as the OPs DH, and having the view you cannot even have a wee on your own!

OP it's so annoying isn't it, and I agree with a PP that those little promises are huge to a small child. DH used to be like this, when it was my morning for a lie in he would hear DS was starting to get restless and would roll back over. I just kept poking, prodding, and although I really wanted to go in and do it myself, he now gets up without issue and gets on with it, and I do the same when he is lying in.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/02/2021 09:39

So you think it’s up to the OP to train her partner to put his daughter’s needs before his fags? You think it’s her responsibility?
It isn't her responsibility but at this point the choice is train him or martyr herself or leave and have eow off

Norwester · 20/02/2021 09:42

Women should not 'manage' the shit men in their lives. They should show them the door.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/02/2021 09:44

it is impossible even to wee on your own, with a toddler, isn't it!

It doesn't matter if it's true (and I think that depends on the child), the point is to shake him out of his complacency and get him to recognise that he is the parent in charge who has no choice but to suffer the indignities and inconveniences of parenthood. That 'but I need...' is irrelevant, because the child's needs come first.

Rupertbeartrousers · 20/02/2021 09:44

I think I’d be saying to him - “please don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep, I’m a bit annoyed about the lie in but dd was very upset about the croissant. It sounds like a small thing, but it isn’t to a toddler. We need to be consistent and do what we say we’re going to do.”

Could he still turn it around, say that breakfast is cereal and daddy will get croissants for brunch/snack (and you get lie in tomorrow)?

Hankunamatata · 20/02/2021 09:45

Why on earth did he go out when dd was already awake. He could have easily got her and took her with him.

peak2021 · 20/02/2021 09:45

YANBU to be upset at someone who is unreliable and lets down their (and your) DD.

Sad you chose to be with a smoker, hope he has some redeeming qualities and starts to improve.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/02/2021 09:45

Needing a poo doesnt absolve you from being a parent. Why can't he do what everyone else does and either take the toddler with him or set them up with breakfast and pop to the loo while they are eating. I'd send the toddler down to hassle him as soon as they were up and go back to bed

teamdebbievssorelosers · 20/02/2021 09:48

set them up with breakfast and pop to the loo while they are eating.

ahem, no, normal people do NOT do that! It's the worst advice I read on here.

Leave your child in front of the tv, give him your tablet, toys, whatever you want. You don't leave a toddler eating alone when you disappear in the toilets!

CoronaIsWatching · 20/02/2021 09:52

Why do you let a smoker inside your house in the first place

RickiTarr · 20/02/2021 09:53

Completely agree with @ScoobyBlues you only promise children what you can deliver. If you intend to do something but it’s contingent you n weather or something, you say so. Really shot parenting to teach your DC that your word is worthless.

Also, extravagant poos are ridiculous and infuriating. If it takes you 30 minutes to have a crap, then you need to do something about your diet. Gross.
(Of course unless medical issues.)

OTOH, what is this Mumsnet mania about pooing “correctly”? Angry

WTF even IS “an extravagant poo”? If your digestive tract is okay, it’s not possible to eek out a bowel motion. Confused

If someone has strange bowel habits, then there is a medical problem, which your GP will probably dismiss as IBS for years (or hand put FODMAP sheets these days apparently) before referring you. In the meantime you still have to shit and spousal disapproval of what you intestines are doing won’t make one whit of difference. Also, your OH will NOT discuss it with you if you’re timing their loo visits and getting cross about it, and men have an allergy to doctors anyway half the time.

I have ulcerative colitis. For eleven years it was treated as IBS. Where do all you people live that hot and cold private healthcare is on tap and nobody ever misses a diagnosis?!

LongDistanceClaret · 20/02/2021 09:53

Can’t imagine being able to take an extravagant poo when my DC was that age. I think my toddler witnessed every poo I did Blush

AnnLouiseB · 20/02/2021 09:54

That’s shit. These things are important to a child and it’s just crap of him to let her down like that.

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 09:54

In the past if I’ve heard him up and about making a coffee etc, I’ve brought Dd down and gone back up to bed, even whilst he’s been on the downstairs loo. I hate doing that to her though and like a previous pp says, that’s not even a lie in as by then I’m awake anyway and can’t get back to sleep.

The croissants and jam were ready there for him to do as I’d got them in the big shop. Just the fact he made such a fuss about it and how daddy is off all weekend go play with her and make her a special breakfast (it obviously isn’t a special breakfast 🤣but she rarely has jam) I think if he hadn’t said all that, it wouldn’t really be a big deal.

He’s now taken her to get some wood and mince, he’s made a big deal of this, this will be my time for me which will be a bout an hour but I’m guessing I’m expected to be grateful for!

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 20/02/2021 09:56

I think you should break a promise/expectation to him to remind him how it feels to be let down. So if you've agreed to do something or usually do something for him, don't do it this weekend.

Some men can really be a bit oblivious about this sort of thing and I find talking at them doesn't really help much as they just put it down as 'moaning'. Unless you want to LTB (which may be disproportionate and not always practical in the short-term), the best course of action imo is to do something that irritates them hugely and tell them to shut up and stop moaning when they complain. If they protest, point out to them that that's how they treat you.

Barrantsvidal · 20/02/2021 09:56

*set them up with breakfast and pop to the loo while they are eating.

ahem, no, normal people do NOT do that! It's the worst advice I read on here.

Leave your child in front of the tv, give him your tablet, toys, whatever you want. You don't leave a toddler eating alone when you disappear in the toilets!*

Crikey, my DD was at Nursery by age 3 (6 months older than OPs child). Never left her unattended with a packet of peanuts, but certainly able to pop to the loo quickly whilst she had a plain biscuit and some juice in front of fun Song Factory.

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 09:57

@Rupertbeartrousers I’d already done her the croissant, he was out and she was hungry so I took her down and made it for her, she can’t wait around for him to back before she eats, he doesn’t seem to understand that clearly.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 20/02/2021 09:57

I just don’t get all the drama with this kind of thing you read on here tbh, why does it have to be a huge farce - the whole ‘it’s your turn’, ‘it’s my lie in day’ etc etc.