Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He promised her croissant with jam

188 replies

Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 08:36

Been a really full on week with toddler Dd, 12 hour days of teething, crying and not a minute alone. I’d told all this to dp and said I was going nuts as had no sleep and really needed just a minute alone etc. Last night was my turn for bedtime so as I was taking her up, he starts telling her how it’s the weekend tomorrow and he’ll be off and he’ll be there to do her breakfast of croissant and jam for a treat etc etc.
Cue this morning, Dd wakes at 6.45, Dp asleep until around 7.30, then on the toilet for god knows how long. By now she’s getting more upset calling for daddy to come and get her, inevitably I end up getting up with no lie in and taking her down to breakfast...he wasn’t even there. Comes back 45 minutes later saying ‘I was going to do her breakfast!’ 🙄he’d been out to get cigarettes. No I’m sat here moody and he’s moody with me!
Aibu to be pissed off with this crap.

OP posts:
Wheresmyfuckingphone · 20/02/2021 11:44

@VintageStitchers

To be honest OP, you’re not managing this very well. Acting the martyr might make you feel better in the short term, but your DP isn’t going to change his behaviour, which presumably, you actually want him to do? Training partners uses the same techniques as training kids.

You should have prodded him until he got up, reminding him of his promise to HIS daughter. When you eventually get up after your lie-in, you praise DP over his great parenting and then carry on with the day.

If you always relent and get up and sort out your daughter, the urgency has gone and he can carry on sleeping. He won’t magically become a great parent because you’re complaining and annoyed with him.

Of course! I had a clicker for when I trained my dog would you like to borrow it OP?
BeakyWinder · 20/02/2021 11:44

You know that's not what blokes are doing in the bathroom for half an hour don't you?

Theunamedcat · 20/02/2021 11:51

[quote Fiona2020]@Theunamedcat when you are both ready. The child does not make the rules![/quote]
FML a hungry child is a hungry child

oil0W0lio · 20/02/2021 11:55

I don't know why some men agree to have children
I think the 'shirkers' agree because they assume (consciously or unconsciously) that it will be possible to make sure she does the menial work... because that's what women are for
The sole purpose of having a female 'partner' is that she does all the background stuff you don't want to do so you can be the star of The show, they have never seen a relationship as a partnership of equals, the woman is always automatically and inherently subordinate to the man

PrinnyPree · 20/02/2021 12:00

Explain it in a way he'll understand. "You know how you couldn't wait till after DDs breakfast for a cigarette, well DD couldn't wait till after your cigarette for her breakfast" YANBU what a nob.

happinessischocolate · 20/02/2021 12:05

It wasn’t actually really about me wanting a lie in, in this instance, although that would have been nice to! It was the fact this promise of daddy’s breakfast and her calling for daddy to come and get her breakfast.

Slightly different as I had split from my ex when he let the kids down again one Sunday and just didn't come to collect them. To get out the house I took them to a car boot sale for something to do and all the way there my 2 year old dd was screaming "I want my daddy" it was heartbreaking for her and horrific for me and her brother to hear and deal with as it wasnt our fault.

After that I never ever told dc when their dad was coming, I would only say when I knew he was 5 minutes away or outside, he still managed to fuck up and promise them stuff and not deliver.

They're in their late teens now and as much as they love him because he's their dad, they don't believe a word that he says, and they actually feel sorry for his wife and wonder why the hell she puts up with him.

In your shoes OP, whenever he makes a promise in future, I would say straight away "don't make promises if youre not going to do it" or "really, are you really going get DD her breakfast before you do anything else" and laugh. Every single time. Or sit down tonight and read him some of the responses on this thread and ask him if he really wants to be THAT dad.

Backtoschool101 · 20/02/2021 12:05

My dh used to do the promise thing. Then was absolutley stunned when said child remembered and was upset because he didn't do it or forgot. This happened 3 times until he got the picture. I didn't step in to 'fix it'. I painted out to him you promised. Now they are upset. Its your fault. He had to consider said child and fix it. Its happened 3 times and he gets it now. That and the crying is painful for his was so he will avoid it at all costs. We had a chat about it and it opened his eyes a bit and he is much more considerate. Still has one hour long shits though Envy

Clymene · 20/02/2021 12:15

He simply doesn't care. He doesn't care that he let his daughter down. He doesn't care that you had to get up when you're exhausted. He doesn't care that his child was going hungry.

He doesn't care about either of you.

Plutoh · 20/02/2021 12:16

@Clymene

He simply doesn't care. He doesn't care that he let his daughter down. He doesn't care that you had to get up when you're exhausted. He doesn't care that his child was going hungry.

He doesn't care about either of you.

Sadly I think this is the case.
Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 12:40

@Clymene Do you really think that’s it? Not that he doesn’t think? Just plain doesn’t care about us...

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 20/02/2021 13:36

I would say it's more that he doesn't think it's his problem rather than he doesn't care....he thinks anything to do do with the child is your problem
furthermore he knows that if the child is upset it makes you feel unhappy and so upsetting the child is a way to punish you for expecting him to attend to the child

IDontLikeZombies · 20/02/2021 13:51

I'd say he cares about you both and probably very deeply. Its just he cares about himself more.

Plutoh · 20/02/2021 13:54

he knows that if the child is upset it makes you feel unhappy and so upsetting the child is a way to punish you for expecting him to attend to the child

Would you have that thought process toward people you care deeply for? Probably not.

SheCannaeTakeNoMoreCapt · 20/02/2021 13:54

ahem, no, normal people do NOT do that! It's the worst advice I read on here

Seriously? Nothing wrong with going to the bog while a child is having breakfast. The things people get upset about!

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 14:05

@oil0W0lio No, I don’t think it’s that 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 20/02/2021 14:43

@SheCannaeTakeNoMoreCapt

ahem, no, normal people do NOT do that! It's the worst advice I read on here

Seriously? Nothing wrong with going to the bog while a child is having breakfast. The things people get upset about!

Point is the child was not having breakfast
SheCannaeTakeNoMoreCapt · 20/02/2021 14:44

no, that wasn't the point

Candyfloss99 · 20/02/2021 14:46

@Clymene

He simply doesn't care. He doesn't care that he let his daughter down. He doesn't care that you had to get up when you're exhausted. He doesn't care that his child was going hungry.

He doesn't care about either of you.

Sounds like it I'm afraid.
MyLittleOrangutan · 20/02/2021 14:48

@Clymene

He simply doesn't care. He doesn't care that he let his daughter down. He doesn't care that you had to get up when you're exhausted. He doesn't care that his child was going hungry.

He doesn't care about either of you.

Yeah I agree with this I'm afraid. Why else would he behave that way? He chose to take away your lie in. And chose to ignore his child and make her wait, hungry and upset because he wanted cigarettes more than he wanted to follow through on his promise. Because he doesn't care that you're tired, doesn't care that his daughter is hungry.
CherieBabySpliffUp · 20/02/2021 14:54

I've only read the OP's posts so don't know if this has been asked already but why did he not take her downstairs as soon as she woke up rather than allowing her to play in bed for 45 minutes? How does that help your lie in?
Do you normally take her down straight away when she wakes up? If you don't and it disturbs his sleep then could this have been a passive aggressive payback?

sadie9 · 20/02/2021 15:09

I'd just watch that you aren't using your DD to convey 'messages' to your DP because you are too angry to actually discuss this normally when you are both calm.
All it might take to improve things is a conversation had in a non-threatening 'can I discuss something with you' sort of way, instead of dramatic gestures and leaving toddlers outside bathroom doors to make a point.
You are letting it fester.
Also you are a bit pissed off that Dad is providing your DD with a nice treat for breakfast while you have to be Mrs boring old middle of the night mother counting hours on her fingers since the last dose of Calpol.
It hurts. And wouldn't you love someone to say 'you stay in bed love, I'll bring you up a lovely croissant (with jam) and coffee because you deserve it'.
But some men are too oblivious to notice. They don't live in our heads like we live in their heads. We have to ask for what we need.

Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 17:12

@sadie9 No I’m not using it to convey any messages, plus I generally do lots of nice treats myself, I plan and buy the breakfasts and Dd and I chose it together when shopping. I’d like him to do special things, my attempt is to push that idea more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whizzpopbangy · 20/02/2021 17:13

@CherieBabySpliffUp Because Dp was downstairs in the toilet, I wait for him to come up, I’m not keen on plonking her outside the loo and have only brought her down once out of pure anger after he was faffing about one morning

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/02/2021 17:14

[quote Whizzpopbangy]@Clymene Do you really think that’s it? Not that he doesn’t think? Just plain doesn’t care about us...[/quote]
Yes I do, sorry.

I think a lot of men are quite good at going through the motions to get themselves a wife /partner because they like the idea of having sex on tap and someone to do the shopping and cleaning.

But he doesn't see you or your daughter as human beings who are worthy of respect or of having your needs met.

This morning, he behaved exactly as he would have done if neither of you had been there at all. You may as well not have been.

Windchangeface · 20/02/2021 17:36

When I became a parent my DM gave me this advice:

‘You don’t have to be a great parent every day for them to think you’re amazing. You just have to try your best and always be there plodding along with the basics. Don’t make promises you can’t/won’t keep and accept that they run the show now, their schedule and needs take priority.’

My DH is crap first thing on a morning but a fab and attentive DF from 10am onwards. So I take the 5am-10am shift and he does long walks and special dinners/book reading on an afternoon.

Swipe left for the next trending thread