To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I also know the feeling of panic the suicide threats cause, you’re doing all you can OP. Please take care.

I’m glad he’s ok OP. I think this is him acting out because of his frustration. It’s horrible but you know you can hurt the ones you love and you know exactly how to do it. He is trying to manipulate your reactions and make you feel guilty/ unreasonable even if he doesn’t know that’s what he is doing. Either way it’s very unhealthy for both of you and your kids. It’s entirely your decision but I wouldn’t be able to trust him again - he broke your trust once and you gave him a second chance and while you were trying to regain that trust and it was very fragile he broke it again. If you can when you see him next keep your voice moderated and calm no matter how much he shouts and explain that this isn’t the life you want. You understand the consequences hurt him too but that you need to prioritise yourself and the children.

Hugs from me.
Just give yourself a bit of breathing room for a while to clear your head, then have a chat with him. 💐

When he comes home and talks about his mental health, his suffering, his unhappiness, his suicidal threats, take control and say ok let’s get you an assessment and get you sectioned.

Do you have a dog? If so take it for a walk, you will find his sitting in the car not far from home, I don’t know why, but that’s where everyone ends up 😂

He tired to ring her again last night when I took kids to bed , told me he needed someone to talk to

How touching So now you've got yet more confirmation that he'll go running back if things aren't quite going his way or you fail to come to heel - oh, and of course he won't tell you about it because "he wouldn't want to hurt you"
Except he is hurting you and now he's got the satisfaction of dangling you on a panic-stricken string while he plays out his latest stunt

I wonder how long it'll be before you realise the need to remove yourself from this toxicity permanently ...

Well at least you now exactly where things stand.
He loves her, and has actually no real interest in saving the marriage (well unless it is you lying down and accepting anything and everything he is throwing at you)..

He has done you a favour there by leaving.

Not to be cruel but you could have been 3 months into healing by now so take that as a lesson that if you dont stay strong this time then you will go through all this again and be bck at square 1.

And he is obviously pitting you against her to try to make you fight for him. "Oh i think i might have loved her a bit" is designed to make you think "oh shit maybe he will leave, maybe she is better than me, fuck id better cave quickly and be a better wife into the mix". Fuck that.

I just read you latest update Sal, and am so sorry he is continuing to behave so selfishly and so disrespectfully to you. The repeated contact with the OW, and the blame shifting were bad enough, but to now start emotional blackmail games with threats of suicide is beyond the pale. My heart breaks for you and your DCs. If he cannot see that by his leaving and threatening to kill himself he is emotionally abusing you now then there is no way he is genuine about wanting to fix this. I agree with PPs ... report to the police if you feel you need to even though he has at least texted to say he is fine. After that anyone can see you have tried your best to salvage your relationship from this mess, and you have every right to walk away with a clear conscience. Sending you strength and support.

report to the police if you feel you need to even though he has at least texted to say he is fine

Actually, when he does it again - and he will, after the success this time - I'd call the police anyway. They'll see straight through him and give him an absolute roasting for wasting their time, which might be some small satisfaction for OP

You're trying to F his life up even more????? Astonishing, just astonishing, that he is trying to blame you for every uncomfortable feeling that he encounters.

I would assume he has headed off to mess up OW's life as well now. I hope for her sake she tells him where to go.

Can't quite believe how badly uour surely-soon-to-be exh is behaving. But I get that it is terrifying for you. Can you call someone and get some support? I know I wouldn't be able to deal with this by myself.

Op, this is the part where you gather your self respect you and do what's right for you. He doesn't love you. He reached out to the other woman for god sake, while you were trying to make things better.

Your marriage is over. I'm so sorry

He said I've always had everything my way and made him feel lesser than me and he's nothing to live for now - I called him after he left and he said he might crash his car and I can go to hell basically. I have no idea where he is or if he's ok , feeling pretty shook up this morning

You should have phoned the police, to do a well fare check on him take the power away from him., he is emotionally blackmailing you, every time YOU hold HIM accountable for HIS behaviour then he threatens to harm himself and here we are 5 months he still here, he's still manipulating YOU into letting him do what he wants, while at the same time not changing his behaviour in anyway. And expecting YOU to change every thing about you.

@An0n0n0n

Not to be cruel but you could have been 3 months into healing by now so take that as a lesson that if you dont stay strong this time then you will go through all this again and be bck at square 1.

And he is obviously pitting you against her to try to make you fight for him. "Oh i think i might have loved her a bit" is designed to make you think "oh shit maybe he will leave, maybe she is better than me, fuck id better cave quickly and be a better wife into the mix". Fuck that.

How the hell is that helpful??

I'm so angry for you OP, please tell friends and family what has happened, take whatever support they can give for you and the DC. Try to have something to eat and rest as much as you can, you and the DC are the priority now, he can take care of himself.

They all seem to follow the same routine, when my dp cheated and was caught the second time ( other woman came to the house) he said he was suicidal too, so I sat him down and talked through how he could do it successfully with a couple of different methods, I told him that it was unfair to fail in his attempt as his elderly parents would have to care for an incapacitated adult child as I was leaving and obviously wouldn't be around. He went white as a sheet when he realised what I was saying, that I would no longer be manipulated by a man who deliberately did things he knew would hurt me. Long story short, he is still alive and still a prick. He also claimed to have cheated as I was sexually abused as a child and that is all he could see when with me. A real prince among men.

Yes, I'm 50/50 as to whether he knows now that if he threatens suicide again you'll just call the police and so he won't try it again, or whether he thinks it worked pretty well to get you running after him and keeping himself at the centre of your thoughts and he'll wheel it out again.

If the latter, don't warn him you're going to ask police to do a welfare check (give them licence plates if you don't know where he is), just do it. I predict that will be the last time you hear anything about suicide from him.

He really is making it all about him isn't he - pathetic!

Doesn't seem to be in the slightest bit concerned about the op in any of this. He's made a very good job of putting himself in the victim role even though it was HIM that cheated

he wont kill himself op its manipulative to try and get you to take him back

just leave him he'll get used to the fact he cant get his own way

You poor woman.

What a selfish waster.

I think calling the police to do a welfare check will hand over responsibility.

He has children but is utterly wrapped up in himself.

You poor woman.

He isn't worthy of you.

Protect yourself against him.

I am so sorry.

I've spoken to him now and he's said he doesn't care what happen to him now , he's sorry he lost his shit but he's now lost everything he held dear - and he's the most selfish person in the world etc etc , I told him he scared me and has emotionally abused me . He said he wants me to hate him now and he's done falling in line to what I want and after I told him to get help he said I'm not doing anything you tell me ever again. Then called me back and said what shall I do now 😤 I've said this is far too upsetting he needs to take responsibility for himself and remember he has a responsibility towards his children . I don't know what to do.

@aliensprig do you actually disagree with anything ive written? Or are you just angry about how i wrote it?

please stop trying to help him-hes twisiting everything to make you feel bad

just say let me know when you find someomwhere to live and we can arrange access for the children-if he says no just leave it

@HalzTangz

All these people with wild theories, are you script writers for the soaps.

The guy made a mistake, and couldn't live with that mistake so admitted the truth.
His alternative was to not say anything and eventually jump from the bridge.
He hasn't pressurised the OP at all

Op, my initial advice, as from reading your posts it reads you would like to make the marriage work, start counselling and talk through this issue, and other issues there may be.

Only you know your husband,no one on this thread does, yet they all act like judge and jury.
If you believe what he says, that is what matters,not what some random tells you you should think.

Do your husband not have a mate he could stay with for a few days, or could he stay with your parents, to give you some space. This is allowed during covid restrictions.

If you do want to try and fix this, don't listen to all the conspiracy theories from the soap writers on here, listen to your heart, your head, and what he says

If you believe he is being truthful, then it's up to you to decide if you can forgive him. It is possible to forgive him and continue with a happy marriage.
If you can't forgive him, then end things, amicably if you can, it would be better for the kids if the parents that split were friends rather than enemies.

I would do counselling together as this will help you make a decision

So based on this "advice " you haven't read the hundreds of post between the OP and your own 🙄

I suggest you read them all before you accuse us all of being script writers for the soaps.

The OP has been given good, kind and compassionate advice.

Good god! I’m so sorry OP

He’s trying to make you the bad guy here and you are not!! He still won’t take responsibility for his actions. He just wants to ti be his mum and say “there there all is forgiven”. He’s not even trying to sort things out

I mean this gently but I think he’s trying to force you to be the person who calls time on tje marriage so he can yet again avoid responsibility

He says he wants things to work but every action he takes sabotages it. Look at what he does not what he says