To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

You don't do anything. It's time he stood on his own two feet and took responsibility for himself and his actions.

He's done falling in line with what you want? Like fidelity in your marriage? That ship has rather sailed, hasn't it?!

Bear in mind, OP, that there is in all likelihood a sub-plot going on between him and the other woman that you have absolutely no visibility of. If his flip-flopping is hard to understand, that's probably one missing part of the puzzle - whether she's giving him the green light or not at any given time.

@sal1223 If only one thing comes from posting here make it this: he is behaving in a manner that you have no control over and did not cause.

Whatever he has done, is doing, is his choice, his to sort out. But he might need some help to get that started.

He is trying very hard to hurt you, to make his misery your fault. Don't accept that. If for no other reason than you have kids who need one functioning parent.

You have to contact someone about him. Do his parents know he has disappeared and has expressed a desire to kill himself? You can contact the police. His behaviour is worrying enough to warrant that, no matter what he says.

DO NOT bear all of this alone. You won't succeed.

Personally I would call the police and explain what he has said, his confession, his depression and his repeated claims of wanting to kill himself. He obviously is not well, needs help and you are not equipped to deal with it.

Best of luck, make that call now.

You have done nothing to cause this. You are not responsible for his behaviour or actions. Do not feel guilty.

Ive just read the entire thread, and Im sorry but he seems to have jumped straight back to his initial position of painting himself as the victim here again, and asking to be mothered and told what to do (which no doubt can be used to say you are controlling in the future)

I was glad you seemed to be working through things, but must admit my mind was blown and my jaw hit the ground when I heard that he had contacted her

WTAF

According to him, he hadnt seen her since she left after they did the thing and he didnt take it further - so 3 years ago??? or has he been in regular contact since?

because its really fucking wierd to call someone out of the blue to drag up the past for the sake of saying sorry.

And now all this 'they love each other'

It seems to me that it throws all the original story into doubt, and makes me suspicious that they have been in contact on and off throughout, and he is more invested in her than he made out. And looks like his 'not being able to live with the guilt' could be fronting someone likely to tell on him.

I have a really horrible feeling that the fact that hospitality is opening up again doesnt make this a coincidence in regards his wanting to just be home with you and the kids. I suspect again that he feels he has dealt with the fire, things have calmed down at home, and he thinks he can slip back to life as was - which may, or may not, include seeing this woman.

Im really sorry

Oh OP leave him to it. He's trying to make you feel bad the pig. He is not your responsibility, the children are

@CuriousaboutSamphire yes I've spoken to his parents - I don't think calling the police now will achieve anything

Blah blah blah he's having a classic pity party. Notice when you told him you would call the Police as you were so concerned he flew into a rage and accused you of trying to fuck up his life?

He doesn't want anyone else to witness his pity/guilt party as they will see straight through him, He knows you have a soft spot for this carry on and is playing you into having him back to try again and again and again.

You need to decide when enough is enough for you. Feeling sorry for him surely can't be reason enough to stay married to this cheater?

I really struggle when I hear about something like this. Why is his life better now yours is devistated? To me, if he was genuinely remorseful, he would have found someone to talk to about this instead of you.

He's texting me now saying he's got nowhere to go and no money- I've sent him the mental health helpline and said stay with family

Did he say where he stayed last night?

Good for you! Watch his texts slowly get angrier now and eventually you will be blamed for everything that has happened to him. Classic script they all follow unfortunately.

@SwimBaby

You only have his version of events and you know he’s a liar and a cheat, I really think there’s more to this than the version he’s telling you.

Agree here! I'm sorry op, but he's lied to you again. He said he wouldn't contact then did because he felt bad?! Felt bad for shagfing her behind your back? He didn't feel bad enough for three years to tell you. I think there's more to this and he's phoned to cover his tracks.

I would tell him that he needs to take responsibility for himself now, and not to keep contacting you. He can let you know when he's settled and then you can work out how to co-parent. Nothing else is your problem.

This brings back bad memories, I feel sad for you OP, and hope he starts behaving with some respect for you. 💐

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this.

Wow I’ve just read the whole thread. What a wringer he has put you through.

I’m afraid I have to agree with PP - I would be suspicious that this has been going on behind your back for three years and is only coming out now because someone has threatened to put him (maybe she’s wanting to bring things to a head?)

Why on earth would he contact her in secret, after throwing a grenade into your marriage, just to apologise for something that happened once three years ago?

And why would he call her yesterday if they haven’t spoken in years (apart from when he ‘apologised’)?

It doesn’t make sense unless she’s been in the background the whole time.

All of this suicide nonsense is just deflection. It’s sleight of hand. Designed to have you looking in the wrong direction so that he can keep manoeuvring between you and her undetected.

Where did he stay last night? Do you know for certain she doesn’t live nearby? When is he planning on seeing his children?

I just spoke to him, He said he called her because he's got no one to talk to and she didn't answer anyway and he said he's not going to get any help - after I told him I was scared for his safety and mine last night .

He doesn't want any help from anyone now -he's lost everything so has nothing else to lose , he won't tell me where he is . I know she's not in this country

just leave him to it this is not your mess to fix-hes done this all to himself

stop replying to him

This is not a popular MN view but I'd forgive a ONS. He's obviously eaten up with guilt. Tell him you can see he is genuinely remorseful and you understand no one gets through life without doing things they bitterly regret. What matters now is the present and the future. He is not allowed now to use it as an excuse to wallow in self piteous guilt. He needs to accept your forgiveness and sort himself out and work on rebuilding your trust and love. Make it clear the forgiveness is a one-off. If it ever happens again you will react very differently and both of you will know that he has intentionally jeopardised the marriage.

I know many couples who have come back from a one-off infidelity to have a long happy marriage. It can happen if there is genuine remorse and love.

@Cowbells I tried that and he still contacted her all this time later behind my back

It makes no sense that he tried to contact her after 3 years, I suspect he hasn't told you the full truth about it
But - you have to keep your head together as you are responsible for your children. You can't carry him as well. Help is available, he can contact his doctor or his family. If you are concerned, tell the police and they will do a welfare check.
He has choices, you need to keep yourself and your children safe. Don't let him take them if he turns up

Maybe ask his family to contact him, he might be with them anyway, but he needs to get support from them, you’ve got a lot of your own to process.

@sal1223 please stop speaking to him. He’s a grown man. He’s massively betrayed you. Now he’s playing the woe is me guilt card. Find your anger for you and your dc and stop pandering to him and listening to his act.

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim &
Offender

He is making himself the victim. He is making YOU responsible for him and his actions. Nothing about this is on you, whatever decisions you make centre yourself and your children.

I’m sorry OP what a nightmare