To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

I suggest asking the Relationships forum.

You have six months from the day he told you to initiate divorce on the grounds of infidelity, if you decide to end the marriage.

I've just RTFT and I can't get over how manipulative he is. By telling you he was suicidal, he was basically forcing you to accept it for fear of what he'd do. He has been self-serving from the moment he told you and his actions show that he doesn't give a fuck about anyone but himself.

Even if you decide to forgive the cheating, he has told you that he still wants to go out with the lads and you'll be living with a sword over your head, wondering if he has cheated again. Yes, he said he wants to cut back on that but clearly he doesn't have any impulse control. The fact that you said "this is what I need from you" and he said "I won't give you that, and I cheated because of you" tells me all I need to know.

He won't change. He's still lying to you.

It is WAY WAY WAY to soon to make permanent decisions. I really suggest you consider counseling, both for yourself, and as a couple. I have known couples who have survived this and been stronger, but not without help. Even with help, some don't make it, but the decision is a considered decision, not a knee-jerk reaction. Regardless, my heart aches for you and I want the best for you going forward.

sorry for using her - he says he needed to for his mental health and trying to be a good person, he needed closure

@sal1223 It's all about him and his feelings, isn't it? The rise of 'therapy culture' has a lot to answer for in some ways.

If he can justiy this then I think he will justify anything he chooses to get upto in future, by claiming he had some deep emotional needs he had to act on or something.

OP, I am so sorry to read your thread, and about the incredibly difficult time you have gone through. You have been so strong, and I really applaud you for it. This is one of the hardest and most soul shattering times in your life and you have all my sympathy.

I have no right to tell you to either leave or stay, only you can decide that. But I did see you say you hoped you would be in the 16% of couples that make it out the other side.

I am one of those 16% ... now nearly 6 years post discovery... so, I hope that my experience might help you see what that transition looks like and what it takes to do.

I was betrayed by my DH too, involving not only other women, but also prostitutes with whom he was using drugs and on top of that he borrowed extremely large amounts of money to pay for his extracurricular activities. His behaviour carried on for 6 years until I found out in 2015. I told him to leave, and informed him that I would be divorcing him as quickly as I could.

He left, and then returned 3 months later after he had had an extensive amount of counselling (3 sessions a week). He showed me proof of his sessions, and rang his therapist in front of me and told her to tell me anything I wanted to know about what he had been discussing and working on in his therapy. He begged for another chance.

At this point I realised I had two questions to answer; firstly did I still have any love left for him? and secondly, given that I already knew I would never 100% trust him again, would it be possible to live with that fact and still be happy?

For me, surprisingly, the answer to the first was easy as I realised through my own counselling that I did still love him, but I also had to accept that I hated (and would always hate) what he had done, and furthermore I had to accept it is possible to love and hate at the same time.

The second question was harder to answer as I realised that if I didn't trust him, and I couldn't find a way to accept that, then I would either be forced into a life of constantly being on my guard and perpetually anxious, or, even worse, faced with the possibility that I would have to sacrifice my own 'carefree' life and put myself in the very unpleasant role of constantly policing his behaviour in order to maintain my own peace of mind.

I came to the conclusion that living as someone's behaviour police would ultimately end up damaging me, and would dramatically shift the power balance in our relationship in a very unhealthy way.

I then had further therapy (combination of hypnotherapy, EFT and talking therapy) to see if I could reach a point where I could reconcile a lack of trust within the emotional framework of my relationship and still find peace and joy in the other aspects like shared passions and interests, shared goals, communication, fair balance of power and control, family and friends and all the other big and little things that make up a relationship.

I did manage it, thanks in large part to the 2 wonderful therapists I worked with. I am still with him all these years later and we have a good life. I still do not trust him 100%, but I am learning with every day that I can trust him a little more.

It's not always easy. There are days I get triggered by things, but I have found healthy coping strategies.

We did make it out, although it has been a long, hard process ... and to be honest I don't think you ever 'make it out' but you do 'make something new'. Even now, we still hit bumps when I am feeling low or emotional (peri-menopause) or when he forgets to do something I felt was important. But we do keep working at it. At first there was always a large elephant in the room, but over time it has shrunk, and I can now honestly say we can go for months without noticing it or it having any effect on us.

But the main reason we got through were the three things I would advise you to look for in your husband when making your decision ...

1. Genuine remorse and understanding of your pain (without resentment or making excuses, or passing on blame for what he did and causing all this) ...

1. Real, solid and consistent commitment to therapy (joint and solo) so he can truly understand why he failed you and your family and take full responsibility for what he did ...

and ... 3. A sustained effort to remaking the relationship between you into one you can both be proud of which is based on a respectful equal partnership, transparency and mutual support.

I really do think that without those 3 things, which he has to demonstrate consistently and without resentment, then it is very hard to have faith in either him or a possible future together.

I am sorry this has been such a long post, and I hope you don't feel like I have made it 'all about me' ... I just wanted to give you an idea of some of the things you might need to face if you do try to make it to the other side. Sending you all the support and strength I can.

If it was three years ago, you should try and not dwell on this now. You know about it now, he has told you about it, and has apparently had lots of self suffering and guilt about this issue over all this time.There is no point in crying about this now,as you will only torture yourself because your Husband has let you down some years ago.

1forAll74 that is shit advice, you clearly haven't read the thread. She only found out in February, and he's lied again since. She is still processing what has happened!

@sal1223 I hope you get some respite from everything. Do you really need to commit to a decision either way right now? Would some space help if he could move out for a while? If his parents are in another county that could be a good thing to give you some space to really think about what you'd like for yourself. It's hard to really get perspective when your partner - the cause of all this! - is hanging around. Don't make decisions based on his feelings. Either way, it should be 100% your choice and what you feel is right for YOU.

hes not a good man.he cheated.hid it from you and even when told you has sold you his story with a bug suicide threat,what a c__t actually.

There is no point in crying about this now,as you will only torture yourself because your Husband has let you down some years ago.

@1forAll74 He's lied to OP even since he told her about it though.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it would be the final straw for me though, he has blatantly gone against your wishes and even then has failed to be honest with you.

Sal, I too would be livid that your H has secretly reached out with care to OW. That was a massive breach of your recovery requirement. If he had true empathic remorse and real regard for your needs, he never would have broken NC and contacted her.

The thing is, he already had that conversation with OW three years ago. I recall that he talked with her several times after the ONS. He expressed his guilt, and told her he loved you and wouldn’t leave you. He would have apologized to her at that time, as they were friends. There was no need to say all of that again. The only new information was his recent confession to you. His sharing your private, personal business with OW and then lying by omission are new betrayals. I couldn’t come back from that.

[I still wonder if they were actually having an EA that culminated in sex that night. Otherwise, why did OW expect him to leave you?]

He proved long ago just how selfish and egocentric he is: the repeated hard partying with drink/drugs when you needed him the most after your child’s diagnosis; the cheating and lying; his victimhood, blame shifting, and manipulative demands after confessing. Nothing has changed. His wants and needs are still front and center.

He never suffered any real consequences for his infidelity and disloyalty. In my opinion, he needs to feel the loss of you while you continue processing all of this.

He's gone , bag was packed from the night before's argument . He tired to ring her again last night when I took kids to bed , told me he needed someone to talk to and me and him falling apart , and yeah they prob did love each other and she showed him attention and care that I never did . I said I can't get past it now and he lost his shit , and left .

It's for the best 💐
Sounds like he just kept on pushing you and your boundaries so that he could leave and you be the bad guy.
Sending strength in these awful times

@sal1223
Hi I've been up all night reading this thread. I can't begin to tell you how unbelievably angry and sad I am for you OP.

You have tried everything to keep your marriage together. This is all on him. You have been amazing.

Gather your thoughts, family and friends around you now. I wish you all the best for the future.

This really is ALL on him. Don't let him, for even a moment, try and out this into you, you've tried so hard to get past this but he's been so utterly utterly selfish throughout

Thanks xxx

He said I've always had everything my way and made him feel lesser than me and he's nothing to live for now - Icalled himafter he left and he said he might crash his car and I can go to hell basically. I have no idea where he is or if he's ok , feeling pretty shook up this morning

I don't know what to say to the kids 😔 god I feel sick

If you're worried and he's said he might kill himself then phone the police and let them know. I strongly suspect that he's no intention of doing anything, and he's simply trying to emotionally blackmail you.

He will try and rewrite history to make himself the victim. They all do, but you know the truth and what happened.

All along this has been all about him and how he feels, not in any of your posts have I heard you mention that he's asked what he can do for you, how he can make it better or how you are feeling. It's all been about his wants and needs. He's a selfish man who's losing control of the situation and you're now standing up for yourself and doing things for you. Well done op x

Came in here this morning to check how you are. So sorry to hear this. (While I admit I think it’s for the best). As others have said, get your friends and family round you. The kids, and you, WILL be ok. You will get through this. I am sorry it’s so shit just now. Another Viper thinking of you today x

I thought about calling them but literally have no idea where he is

And when I said that on the phone to him - tell me where you are I can get help I'll call the police - he went off at me and said I was trying to F his life up even more and hung up

It really is all about him isn’t it. Staggering….

Tell the kids he's gone to work early and might be away a few days (give yourself breathing space on that front) and then ring your family and friends and tell them what's happened. You need your friends and family around you at this point. Don't feel you can't tell people, you absolutely can

I’ve just read your thread and yes, this is incredibly selfish of him - it’s all about him.
Can you stall for now with the DC and say he’s working away and give yourself some time to work out how to talk to them about it? Please try to get as much support as you can in real life.