To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

This is so upsetting and so worrying - I might entry calling him again , I don't know what to do

How on You possibly at he was never going to jump, do you know him personally? Do you know men suffer with MH and do commit suicide? I have a friend who made a similar mistake in his relationship, the only difference he did actually kill himself

@HelloDulling

a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her

This sounds unlikely.

Why? It sounds very likely,lots o men do the same when so drunk they don't think straight

Why was he trying to call her again ?? What the hell. Does he have her on speed dial the whole three years? Op never look back now.
He sounds so self centred that I’m sure he will be fine. Contact his family and let them track him down.

All these people with wild theories, are you script writers for the soaps.

The guy made a mistake, and couldn't live with that mistake so admitted the truth.
His alternative was to not say anything and eventually jump from the bridge.
He hasn't pressurised the OP at all

Op, my initial advice, as from reading your posts it reads you would like to make the marriage work, start counselling and talk through this issue, and other issues there may be.

Only you know your husband,no one on this thread does, yet they all act like judge and jury.
If you believe what he says, that is what matters,not what some random tells you you should think.

Do your husband not have a mate he could stay with for a few days, or could he stay with your parents, to give you some space. This is allowed during covid restrictions.

If you do want to try and fix this, don't listen to all the conspiracy theories from the soap writers on here, listen to your heart, your head, and what he says

If you believe he is being truthful, then it's up to you to decide if you can forgive him. It is possible to forgive him and continue with a happy marriage.
If you can't forgive him, then end things, amicably if you can, it would be better for the kids if the parents that split were friends rather than enemies.

I would do counselling together as this will help you make a decision

A drunken mistake isn't them loving each other. That's changed a bit hasn't it?

You'll be okay OP

Obviously you don’t want him to commit suicide but if he does that’s on him, he has fucked his life up, not you.

It’s more likely he won’t do it though. His gone now, ignore him, he wants you to be making a fuss over him so he has the upper hand again.

Today is a new day with a clean start, enjoy your new life.

@HalzTangz

All these people with wild theories, are you script writers for the soaps.

The guy made a mistake, and couldn't live with that mistake so admitted the truth.
His alternative was to not say anything and eventually jump from the bridge.
He hasn't pressurised the OP at all

Op, my initial advice, as from reading your posts it reads you would like to make the marriage work, start counselling and talk through this issue, and other issues there may be.

Only you know your husband,no one on this thread does, yet they all act like judge and jury.
If you believe what he says, that is what matters,not what some random tells you you should think.

Do your husband not have a mate he could stay with for a few days, or could he stay with your parents, to give you some space. This is allowed during covid restrictions.

If you do want to try and fix this, don't listen to all the conspiracy theories from the soap writers on here, listen to your heart, your head, and what he says

If you believe he is being truthful, then it's up to you to decide if you can forgive him. It is possible to forgive him and continue with a happy marriage.
If you can't forgive him, then end things, amicably if you can, it would be better for the kids if the parents that split were friends rather than enemies.

I would do counselling together as this will help you make a decision

Have you read the latest where he’s trying to contact ow repeatedly? Not ok

Why did he call her again last night? Thought he was finished with her and she is getting married, or is she a mate too now?

He is such a idiot and just can’t leave her alone can he.

OP he is an adult responsible for himself. He has disappeared leaving you solely responsible for your children.

Please put worry for him aside and focus on yourself and your children. Whatever he may or may not do is on him. Save your energy for yourself.

(I think he's a manipulative bastard who would never actually harm himself, btw.)

You could call the police, give them the vehicle details and tell them that he threatened to crash the car to kill himself. That way they will look out for him and pull him over if they find him to check he’s alright, and then you’ve done all you can.

Whether conscious or not, he knows that this will punish you for daring to call him out. Previous posters are right that he has always focused on what works best for him, not you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the threat seriously, but ultimately he was always going to do what he wanted, and the consequences to you are secondary.

He’s been given three months to prove himself and he’s shown that he can’t be trusted. He’s already changed things so that OW is the victim, not you, and that is a step towards her and away from you. He’s lining up his options and that is not the sign of a man who is trying to fix things.

I hope he’s okay, and I hope he’s out of your life. You will be okay, but today is a bad day. Do what you need to to get through it. Call your friends and mum and get support. Don’t be alone in this.

Sorry you’re going through this. I hope he’s ok but whatever happens it’s 100% on him.

At the start of the thread I was thinking I’d forgive if no other details were revealed but the way you’ve described him acting is so manipulative and frankly irritating. You can’t pour so much pity on yourself and then lash out with accusations.

I had previously avoided even looking at this thread as it was too painful a reminder. And what I thought and had
to say would not be helpful.
My husband of 30 years has cheated on me too. And my thoughts were that if it was a stupid drunken one off time and he confessed , we might have been able to repair our marriage. We even went to intensive counselling and I did come away resolving to work on forgiveness and going forward. Unfortunately , my DH is a weak cowardly man and there was more to it . His dishonesty, continued cheating makes it impossible for me to ever want to be with him. But horribly , he is still here ,which is another story.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you both , even for him . And mostly for your family and kids. I do believe that men are the weaker beings . While most women would do anything requested of them by a partner in similar circumstances , I don't think men can change that much. Being a drinker at social events is who he IS and he probably can't imagine life that does not allow that. I am the teetotal now and can't cope being around drinkers for too long, if it was part of my industry , I don't know what I would do. And I am astonished at the amount of people who tell me that if they couldn't drink , they wouldn't want to attend events.

I am so sad for you that you can't forgive and get past this . I don't blame you at all and I always thought that I would be the same. I wish I could forgive my DH as my life is now shattered. My adult DCs are devastated and it has completely changed my expected future , not to even mention the awful financial situation I am now in.

I have been ranting and arguing about all of this daily for two years. After the initial remorse and total effort , my DH is numb to it all . Men seem to want to resolve it , end any discussion , never speak of it again and totally move on. Your DH seems to have wanted this . And when you couldn't let it go , he started to feel like a victim. Went to someone that he knew would give him sympathy , an ego boost and tell him how great he is.
Because he is a weak cowardly pathetic man. And you are the total opposite. I hope you get the help and support you need to be able to navigate your future.

Forgot to mention the new contact with the OW just goes against what’d he claimed to want before.

My wife cheated on me. A drunken one night stand. They were caught by his wife. The guy's wife told my wife "if you don't tell him, then I will". So my wife confessed to me.

I was gutted, particularly for our children, and forgave her.

Two years later I caught her having an affair. We are now divorced.

I feel for you, totally get the mixed emotions you must feel, and suggest that only you can decide what is best for you and your children. It's horrible. Perhaps a bit of time, and friends' advice will help you decide what to do.

You can't be held to ransom by emotional blackmail with him threatening to kill himself. If he feels suicidal he needs to seek help and if he is threatening it I absolutely would call the police, then you have done all you can.

Give them his registration, place of work and any address he might turn up at and when they find him, if he is a danger to himself they can request for him to be sectioned.

He's got a lot more feelings for this woman than he's admitted to. Why on earth couldn't he just cut contact with her?
Sorry OP, you tried your best. He was never going to be straight with you. You would have been driven mad wondering what he was up to all the time.

Oh OP, he's ridiculous.

They loved each other, did they? Well there's a change of tune now that he has nothing left to gain by lying.

Based on this thread, I don't buy for a minute that he'd try to kill himself over this - then he really would lose the love of his life - but if you're worried, do as others have said and call the police with his licence plate and then forget about it and go and look after your children. That's any responsibility you have to him (and I'd argue you don't have any) well and truly fulfilled.

There is nothing else you can or should do or have done. In the extremely unlikely circumstance that he kills himself or tries to, it has most certainly not been brought on by your behaviour. What were you supposed to do, do you think? Say, "oh well, darling, never mind. Why don't you give her a ring to see how she's doing?" Just 'get over it'?

What would he have done if this was all the other way around? Would he agree that you were the victim if you'd shagged another man and then continued to contact him while supposedly trying to save your marriage (and then heaped self-pity upon yourself and threatened to kill yourself repeatedly)? Would he be beating himself up for not forgiving you more quickly or reacting in a particular way? Would he fuck.

Sending a big bolster your way. Talk to some trusted people in your real life about this.

And to add - I'm very angry for you that, having failed to get hold of this other woman on the phone and have her running after him, he's got you doing it instead, worrying and desperately trying to contact him to 'check up on him'. I bet he's getting all sorts of satisfaction from that.

If there is LOVE between you and it does sound that there is, I feel that there is a chance of you having a good marriage ahead of you. The thing is, if you were to throw him out, consider what your life will be like then. Financially, emotionally, children's pain and distress. My parents divorced after my Dad had an affair. It was the grimmest time of all our lives and as a child, boy it hurts and stays with you for ever. I have two close friends whose DHs' had affairs. One was a 2 year one and one was a dalliance. They both had a short break from the men and then both took them back because they loved them and for the sake of the family unit. Both of them have never been HAPPIER with their DHs' and their own life.

Maybe your DH did feel that he needed complete CLOSURE by making that last call to the OW? He has been an utter fool and a b**tard in hurting you all, but it seems to me that he is desperately trying to heal things with you. Btw, my parents re-married after 25 years of being unhappily married to other people. Maybe a trial separation? Or couples therapy? Or a healing therapy? My heart goes out to you during this time, but please think about the long term picture my dear. Good luck xx

@COPPER3 I wish people would read the posts. He has tried to contact the OW a third time while op was putting kids to bed and said they probably did love each other ( so not a ons) and blamed op for everything

Oh sorry, I have just read the other threads here.

I hadn't realised he has repeatedly been in contact with the OW. I thought it was just the once!
Hmm.. I have to say I hate people playing the VICTIM. It is controlling and manipulative.

No words actually. If he is continuing to stay in contact with her, it's a massive RED FLAG isn't it. Sorry no advice to give now. Good luck my love xx

I txt him and said if I don't hear back from him that he's safe I'll call the police - and he txt back 'I'm fine' no one knows where he is though he hasn't gone to family

Apologies! I didn't read the whole thing.

Yep! I'm afraid he has to DO ONE here and give you space.
xx

I personally don’t think he was trying to get closure with the 2 phone calls the OP knows about, but instead he was seeing if the OW was up for more. I also think his confessions to OP were for his ego, thinking was a great catch he is because the OP was so upset. Calling the OW his friend is a massive insult to the OP. If he really cared about the OP he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place and he especially wouldn’t have then rubbed her nose in it 3 years later, assuming the details weren’t another lie. OP, please start individual therapy again and/or read the chumplady.com site. I was helped most by reading chump lady’s articles and the comments of others that were betrayed. I’m sorry you’ve been put into the position you’re in by someone you had honest feelings for.