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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
MrsBrunch · 18/02/2021 23:25

You could easily break this habit by choosing yourself to have a bath or shower much earlier in the evening and then settling down with your book.

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 23:29

He would never admit to it being about sex, not in a million years.

It is though. He has been quite touchy feely today so I knew it was coming.

Don't get me wrong I like sex and I like baths, but I want them when I want them and don't like feeling as though it's expected of me. It won't come as a surprise to any of you for me to say he has a higher sex drive.

I've just had a lightbulb moment. His children are coming to stay tomorrow so he knows it won't be possible then (paper thin walls and they are in the next room) so he was eager to schedule it in tonight so he didn't have to wait a couple of days.

OP posts:
AlrightTreacle · 18/02/2021 23:29

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

Wait, he tells you he's running you a bath every evening he's off work?

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

I would find being told when to get a bath annoying enough to tell him to cut it the fuck out now and never tell me again. My boyfriend sometimes asks me if I want a bath (usually when I'm upset or there's an important football match on that he wants to watch in peace Grin). But he never announces that he's going to run me one there and then, it seems a bit controlling.

Velvian · 18/02/2021 23:30

It is 100% about him getting sex. I have noticed it just recently with DH. If I do XY&Z it means we have sex. Like he has finally found the magic formula.

Trust me, he hasn't. As soon as I cottoned on, it turned me off so much. With DH and I, he uses sex to relax, whereas I have to be super relaxed to have sex. Sex is actually highly stressful for me at times, due to past trauma. If I feel I'm being played all sorts of walls go up and doors close.

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 23:32

Trust me, he hasn't. As soon as I cottoned on, it turned me off so much. With DH and I, he uses sex to relax, whereas I have to be super relaxed to have sex. Sex is actually highly stressful for me at times, due to past trauma. If I feel I'm being played all sorts of walls go up and doors close.

I could have wrote your post, it's the same for me.

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 18/02/2021 23:34

Another woman who took up with some guy who has kids and is a sexpest. There's a reason why these men became single. Initiates every night? Nah.

MrsBrunch · 18/02/2021 23:34

What happen when you tell him you don't want sex?

Magnificentmug12 · 18/02/2021 23:35

His politely telling you you might be a bit wiffy.

Maybe change your deodorant or wear perfume on top.

I do this to my DH as I love him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings- he does shower every morning though but keeps putting on the same jumper/hoodie day after day and it stinks!!

Why shower if you won’t put deodorant on or change your jumper??

It might not be in your case though- but maybe you can’t smell it because it’s you.

RepulsedofRedbridge · 18/02/2021 23:37

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex? So he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude and he tries to get you in the mood by helping you to relax and offering to run you a bath because he still desires you what an absolute bastard.

rawalpindithelabrador · 18/02/2021 23:37

@Magnificentmug12

His politely telling you you might be a bit wiffy.

Maybe change your deodorant or wear perfume on top.

I do this to my DH as I love him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings- he does shower every morning though but keeps putting on the same jumper/hoodie day after day and it stinks!!

Why shower if you won’t put deodorant on or change your jumper??

It might not be in your case though- but maybe you can’t smell it because it’s you.

FFS, RTFT
diamondpony80 · 18/02/2021 23:37

Strange, and I’d hate it. Not a big fan of baths anyway as I prefer the shower, but I’d be really annoyed if someone expected me to take one at a time of their choosing and not mine.

Coconuttts · 18/02/2021 23:38

My DH likes to watch his crappy TV programmes which I hate when I'm in the bath. I'm fine with that: it's what we do to live peacefully, especially during lock down. Could he want you out of the way for an hour to do something you'd moan about usually??

rawalpindithelabrador · 18/02/2021 23:39

@RepulsedofRedbridge

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex? So he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude and he tries to get you in the mood by helping you to relax and offering to run you a bath because he still desires you what an absolute bastard.
He's not doing it to help her relax. Nor is he offering. He's telling her. Pretty sad that you think a person has to be crude to bring it up or that it's some precious medal of honour that your own partner still fancies you after 4 years. Hmm What a low bar.
MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 18/02/2021 23:39

That would actually make me angry, especially if I felt he was trying to manipulate me into it.

Next time he "offered", I'd tell him that you don't like it when he suggests running a bath for you. Tell him it annoys you and irritates you and actually makes you less interested in intimacy. I wouldn't be rude, but I'd be blunt, as he may not pick up on subtlety.

GreenSlide · 18/02/2021 23:40

I would announce that you've realised what a waste of water it is to wash twice daily and will no longer be having regular evening baths and only sporadic evening showers. Then go on a long, boring rant about the water bill and the environment when he tries to object.

AlrightTreacle · 18/02/2021 23:42

@RepulsedofRedbridge

But he's not offering, he's telling.

"Do you fancy a bath?" is different to "I'll run your bath now".

The former is usually said to children, rather than adult partners.

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 18/02/2021 23:42

This makes me think of men who can't give a hug without trying to make it sexual or gropy, or those men who only offer to give a shoulder rub because they think it will lead to sex.

Candyfloss99 · 18/02/2021 23:43

@RepulsedofRedbridge

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex? So he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude and he tries to get you in the mood by helping you to relax and offering to run you a bath because he still desires you what an absolute bastard.
Jeez I'd hope most people's partners still fancied them after four years or they'd leave. Please up your standards!!
AlrightTreacle · 18/02/2021 23:43

*latter, not former 🙈

@Magnificentmug12

Why not just tell your husband his hoodie smells? Better coming from you than someone else

MrsBrunch · 18/02/2021 23:43

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex?

And your partner doesn't?

Monty27 · 18/02/2021 23:44

@Coconuttts you're lucky. I'm sure OP would like that too if it were so simple

Nith · 18/02/2021 23:46

@Icenii

My DH will say 'shall I run you a bath?' to be caring. I'll just say I don't fancy one if don't want one. And that's that.
Would he if you were blatantly in the middle of working or happily engrossed in a book?
RepulsedofRedbridge · 18/02/2021 23:46

He has accepted you don't fancy it so he is not being controlling or demanding or telling anyone what to do he is just approaching it in a way you are not keen on so just bloody tell him non issue

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 23:47

@RepulsedofRedbridge

Wait your partner has been with you 4 years and he still wants sex? So he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude and he tries to get you in the mood by helping you to relax and offering to run you a bath because he still desires you what an absolute bastard.
We have sex often, we had it last night

Am I really being unreasonable to not want it every night? Especially when I have PMS.

he tries to gently encourage you instead of being upfront and crude

That's not entirely true, he gropes me throughout the day which is him letting me know he's in the mood.

After several bouts of that in the lead up to the declaration of running the bath it's no wonder I cba sometimes.

OP posts:
RepulsedofRedbridge · 18/02/2021 23:47

"irony" Google it

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